Prologue
"I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons." -Christopher Poindexter
There were days when Starsky would feel like he were slipping away from reality. Like nothing was real, and his whole life up until this point was just a dream. Like maybe he could just disappear, and it would be as if he never existed.
Starsky was good enough at hiding it. Most people wouldn't even notice, but not Hutch. Hutch always noticed.
Those were the days when Starsky found himself reaching out to Hutch, even if it was unconsciously. A touch here, grabbing the back of his shoulder, leaning into him a little more heavily than necessary, or sitting on the arm of his chair.
The blonde man's calm presence providing Starsky a mixture of comfort and strength.
Then there were days when Starsky wouldn't reach out. When he felt he couldn't reach out, and he would retreat so inside himself he wasn't sure he would ever get back out. Hutch always seemed to know about those days too.
Those were the days when Hutch would reach out to Starsky. He'd cup his neck or arm. A quick bend in posture to force eye contact which served to anchor Starsky to reality.
These moments communicated a simple message. A phrase that was always left unspoken, but one that Starsky could still hear clearly. I am here. Let me bring you back. Hold on to me.
It's funny how the simplest moments in life can break us. The ordinary everyday things that make everything too much to handle.
For Starsky, that moment of realization had come suddenly. A lost perp serving as the perfect catalyst for his impending meltdown.
The sense of frustration and failure was overwhelming, and before Starsky knew what he was doing, he had taken his defeat out on a concrete wall. Knuckles afire with stinging pain, it was then Starsky realized the truth he had been trying so desperately to run from.
Knees on the ground, forehead resting against the concrete wall, tears had welled in his eyes, and it was then it occurred to him that he actually was still very much alive. A thought that terrified him, because it would be so much easier just to be dead.
Starsky was sobbing in earnest by the time Hutch caught up to him. He hadn't heard Hutch approach, and he remained totally unaware of the other man until he was pulled from the ground and gathered into strong, supporting arms.
"It's ok," Hutch whispered into his ear, just for the two of them to hear. His words providing Starsky with momentary solace. "It isn't always going to be like this."
It was then that Starsky chose to believe Hutch. His Hutch. A man that was always so willing to silence his demons, even if it was only for a moment.