"Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg!
The Batmobile lost a wheel,
And the Joker got awaaay!"
The Joker punctuated his joyful carol with a frantic laugh, filled with a special kind of festive energy. Driving down the snow-strewn road in his latest hijacked vehicle - a carpet delivery van - the clown prince of crime searched for a special place to spend Christmas with his new friends.
"Ah, an oldie but a goodie!" Joker turned to the dashboard and saw Carl the Cockroach Wizard sitting there, scribbling down things on scraps of paper. "But my new carols are destined to become holiday classics!" Joker gave a slight snarl at the bug. "Now, what rhymes with 'disembowling'?" As Carl tapped his chin with his miniature pencil, he ended up being flicked to the back of the van. As Carl picked himself up and began to search for his writing implement, he noticed the other villains coming on this trip glaring at him. Dr. Robotnik, the moustached, obese egomaniac. Caractacus P Doom, the bloated creature with gravestone-grey skin. Evil Edna, the anthropomorphic television set. All of them seemed to be inwardly mocking him.
"I know you belittle me now," growled Carl, waving his written songs in the villains' faces, "but when these become number one hits, you'll all be sorry!" Robotnik, Doom and Edna all quietly giggled at the tiny creature.
"Hey, come on!" called out the Joker, "Leave Carl alone! He can't help it if he has mommy issues, and he has his ass kicked by bunnies, of all things!"
"Yes," said Doom, "At least he has more dignity then Edna." Edna's eyes narrowed. "At least Carl doesn't have to worry about a fat fairy and her woodland friends!" As Doom let loose a mighty laugh, he found himself instantly transformed into a giant sausage.
"Oh, I do love the holidays!" said the Joker, "The stress, the hassle, the hunger for money; it all brings out the very worst in people!" The villain-carrying van slowed down a little as it entered a neighborhood, so the Joker could get a good look at the many arguments and disagreements. As the van passed an elaborately-decorated house, cries of 'My house is better decorated than your house, therefore my dick is bigger than your dick!' rang through the night.
"This is how Christmas should be," said Dr. Robotnik, "Laughing at the shortcomings of others, not having to worry about that miserable hedgehog or your moronic sidekicks!"
"Speaking of sidekicks," said Doom, "Where's that hottie you usually run around with?"
"Oh," groaned the Joker, "She's spending Christmas at Ivy's..."
At Ivy's hideout, Harley engaged herself while Ivy was out getting revenge for Christmas trees by making a macaroni picture of the Joker for her 'pudding's' Christmas present. As she was finishing off the smile, she became distracted by a knock at the door. When she answered, she found a robot chicken, a smaller robot with a drill for a nose and a small reptilian creature.
"Who are you guys?"
"I'm Scratch," said the chicken, "this is Grounder, and this is...um..."
"Harry Slime," said the disgruntled reptile.
"Right," said Scratch, "anyway, our masters are off with your master, and I think this will be the best time to plan a revolution!"
"We're fed up of being pushed around!" cried Grounder, pulling out blueprints and weapons, "It's payback time!"
"But I can't revolt against my Mistah Jay!"
Harry Slime grinned lustfully at Harley. "Oh, forget that zero and get with a hero!"
Meanwhile, at the Griffin household, Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and Brian all sat languidly in their living room, bathed in the light of their fireplace and the bulbs wrapped around the Christmas tree.
"This is what Christmas Eve should be like," said Lois to her family, "All of us together as a family. No worries, no stress, no wild schemes..." Peter gave a quick frown of shame. "...no propaganda..."
"Oh, come on," moaned Brian, "Give it a rest already!"
"Oh, calm down, dog!" said Stewie, "Just forget what a miserable cesspool the world is, and embrace a saccharine moment with the family unit."
"I hope Santa brings me a pony!" said Peter.
"Peter!" Lois narrowed her eyes. "Remember the last time you had a pony?" Images of a miserable equine made quadrilplegic flooded Peter's brain.
"I want a chocolate egg," said Chris. With that, a few more moments of lazy silence ensued, until it was broken by the sound of manic laughter.
"Oh boy," cried Peter, hopping off his chair and clapping his hands, "Santa!" What marched into the living room, however, was not the jolly man in the red suit, but the jolly man in the purple suit.
"Alright, kiddies!" The Joker pulled out a gun from his jacket pocket. "Stay right where you are!" The Griffin family froze in place, making no sound but frightened gibbers. "Ha! I didn't say Simon Says!" The smile returned to Peter's face, only to vanish when he felt the gun against his ear. As the Griffins continued their frightened gibbering, Doom, who had transformed back to his old self, Robotnik, Carl and Edna all ran into the room. "Okay, boys, what shall we do with our guests?"
"Roast them!" snarled Robotnik.
"Fry them!" laughed Doom.
"Hmmm." The Joker raised his finger to his chin. "Killing them would be putting an end to their humdrum lives, and thus wouldn't be villainous enough. Let's just tie them up and throw them in the basement! Then, if the party gets slow, their trying to defeat us will surely spice things up!"
With the Griffins still frozen, Evil Edna blasted them with her magical rays, wrapping them rightly in rope. As Doom began to lock all the doors and windows, Robotnik lifted each Griffin and threw them in the basement separately, chuckling in sadistic glee as each member tumbled down the stairs. Until he got to Peter that is.
"Hey, aren't you Dr. Robotnik?"
"Of course? Who else could have this much magnificence?"
"Say it."
"What?"
"Say it."
"Say wha...oh, that. Well, you can just forget it."
"Come on. Come on. Snoo..."
"I'm a world-dominating megalomaniac, not a clown! Now get in the basement with your fruitless family!"
During all this, Carl sat in the Griffin's Christmas tree, looking at his reflection in a bauble. "Huh. Could these decorations be more tacky? There is no love here. No craft."
"Oh stop yer moaning!" growled the Joker, giving Carl a close look at his rotting yellow teeth, "We're here to have fun! Now, Doom, did you cut off every phone line?"
"Yes!"
"And, Egg-Guy, did you confiscate every mobile phone?"
Robotnik entered with a collection of mobiles. "Indeed."
Joker instantly snatched one of the mobiles and held it to his ear. "Hello? Why yes, this is the Ultimate Party Dude speaking, how can I help?"
"Now that we have disposed with that caustic clan, let us commence the festivities!" cried Robotnik, pulling out a party popper. In response to this, Evil Edna used her magic to create a giant boombox, which Joker hooked his iPod up to. Robotnik, Carl and Edna were ready to dance, but all that came from the speakers was calliope music mixed with horrific screams and bloodcurdling laughter. All Edna, Robotnik and Carl did was stand and stare, while Joker got his groove on. Eventually, the other three just shrugged and danced along with Joker.
"Hey! 'Botnik!" cried Doom from the kitchen. "Come over here!" Robotnik strolled on over to the kitchen, where Doom had opened the refridgerator. "Look, fellow fattie. What better time to pig out then Christmas?" In response to this, Robotnik grabbed all the eggs in the fridge and threw them down his gullet. "Eggs are all well and good," said Doom, pulling out a six pack of Pawtucket Patriot beer, "but nothing can beat a good booze up!"
"Indeed," said Robotnik, as the two tubby villains guzzled down the beverages.
"What the?" cried Peter from down in the basement, hearing the joviality of Doom and Robotnik, "Hey! Those bad guys are drinking my beer! That's...that's bad!" Enraged at his property being treated like this, Peter found the strength to break free from his ropes.
"Peter!" Brain still struggled. "Untie us!"
"No, Brian. This is something I have to do alone." Peter marched out of the basement and kicked open the door, while his family watched and struggled. Ten minutes after Peter made his vow, Brian had managed to slip out of his ropes, and walked quietly up the basement steps in an attempt to get a closer look at what the villains were doing.
"Oh yes, Brian," called Stewie, "Leave us tied up!"
"I'll be back for you in a sec, just as soon as I've found a way out!" Creeping out of the basement door, Brian took a peek into the kitchen, and saw Robotnik, Doom and Peter performing a drunken rendition of the can-can. When Brian rolled his eyes and shook his head, he heard the wicked voice of the Joker.
"Movie time!" The three fatsoes ran from the kitchen into the living room, where Joker held two DVDs in his gloved hand. "OK, boys, we have a choice between Sid the Sociopath Snowman or Wally the Wallet's Depressing Christmas!"
"Wally the Wallet! Wally the Wallet!" Peter shouted, clapping his hands frantically.
"Good choice, my obsese friend!" said the Joker, "Who can resist the antics of a wallet, miserable that he never has enough money in him?" Joker popped in the DVD, while Brian gave a slight smile. Now that the villains were distracted by the cartoon, he could be able to get his family to safety, but how? He could try breaking the windows, but that would arouse too much attention. It didn't help that the sounds of Wally the Wallet was beginning to distract him as well.
"The fucking recession's still going on, and it's Christmas," Brian heard Wally complain, "Crap upon crap! As if I didn't have enough to make me drink extensively and cry myself to sleep at night!" This moment made Joker laugh uncontrollably, and that laugh was so bone-chilling, that any thoughts of escape plans were delayed yet again. Brian crept over to a bathroom and put his paws over his ears so he could think better, and suddenly remembered the escape pod in Stewie's bedroom. Stewie didn't use it that much - he seemed to have built it just to show that he could - and that was probably why Brian didn't remember it. Still, he began to creep back to the basement, so he could release his family, creep past the villains while they were distracted and...
"HARK!" Joker cried, putting his hand to his ear, "I think I hear carolers!"
Doom sighed. "When I hear carolers, I feed them to my Lovecraftian monstrosity." Peter laughed at that for some reason.
Brian began to feel worried, but then got worried for a whole other reason when he actually heard the carols being sung:
Here we come a murdering,
Among the streets so dark,
Here we come a torturing,
Because that is our lark!
Death and pain come to you,
And to your family too,
We'll distress and send you,
A terrible fear!
And we'll send you a terrible fear!
Approaching the Griffin residence were a selection of sinister, anthropomorphic beings, a good number of them ducks. A lanky duck in a jester outfit, a rat in a yellow jumpsuit, a mutated green duckn with purple hair, a duck in a yellow coat, a walrus in a top hat and tails.
"Lookie!" The Joker pointed to the window. "It's the St. Canard gang!"
The St. Canard villains waved to the Joker and began another carol:
Deck the halls with vital organs!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Be more ruthless than a gorgon!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Rip off your worst enemy's face!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Then put above the fireplace!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Time for a massive killing spree!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Make your victims scream like banshees!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
Drag their corpses to your domain!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
It's real fun being criminally insane!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la!
After unlocking the door, Joker called to the carolers. "Hey! Come in and join our party!" Thus, the five villains made their way in, and Brian retreated back to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar so he could observe the evil crew.
As the jester duck entered, he and the Joker pinched each other on the noses, making honking noises while doing so, followed up by giving each other a high five.
"What was that?" asked Doom.
Joker laughed once more. "It's the official greeting of the Society for Psycho Clowns Whose Real Identities are Unknown and Who Like to Torture Caped Vigilantes, which me and Quackerjack here are card-carrying members of."
"Yeah," said Quackerjack, "and aren't you and Robotnik members of the Society for Evil but Tubby and Somewhat Comical Scientists With Loads of Diabolical Machines and Idiot Henchmen Who Fight Speed-Loving, Sassy Talking Animals in a Cartoon So Surreal It's A Legal Way to Get High?"
"No," said Doom, "because you just made it up."
"I didn't make it up, Mister Banana Brain did!" Quackerjack pulled out a doll made to resemble a banana with a face. "Stop telling porkies!"
Doom rolled his eyes. "And they called me mad."
"Anyway," said Quackerjack, "let's have some fun, shall we?"
"Now, hold on here!" moaned Carl, "We have more guests? I just put down where everyone's going to sleep!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Quackerjack, "we won't stay long! Negs over there..." He pointed to the duck with the yellow coat and black cape. "..is going to blow up City Hall at midnight for the ultimate Christmas present!" Quackerjack giggled.
"OK then, Mister..."
"Quackerjack! That's..." He pointed to the rat. "Sparky..."
"Don't call me that!"
"...the green guy's Bushroot and the walrus' Tuskerninni. We were going to bring Liquidator, but he hates this weather!"
"Wait!" The Joker sprung up. "I think we're being watched!"
Hearing this, Brain tried to retreat back to the basement, but Bushroot made a vine rise from the ground to trap the dog.
"Well, well," growled Negaduck, pulling out a chainsaw from his cape, "Looks like we have a cute little doggy spying on us!"
"I so do detest adorable canines invading my privacy," said Doom.
"What do you think we should do with our little intruder, my friends?" The Joker's grin grew wider.
Quackerjack pulled out Mr Banana Brain again. "Put him in our show, Mo!" Quackerjack said in a high pitched voice, then added, resuming his 'normal' identity. "Hey, yeah! Do you write much, dog?"
"Well," said Brian, fidgetting, "I don't like to brag, but..."
"Well, then, how'd you like to perform in our Christmas open mic night?"
"Now that you mention it, I do have some poems I'd like to read out."
Evil Edna used her magic to conjure up a stage and a microphone in the middle of the living room. The first to come up to the stage was Negaduck. "Here is my little homeage to Clement Clark Moore." After clearing his throat, he began:
Twas the night before Christmas,
And within my lair,
I was getting ready,
To jump start a nightmare!
While dear Ma and Pa,
Rested in their beds,
Visions of destruction,
Danced in my head!
I got out loads of bullets
And put them in my gun,
Pretty soon I was ready
For some seasonal fun
I patiently waited
For that jingly bell sound,
It would herald the coming,
Of the nub fat and round!
On the roof he landed,
That ugly old troll,
Ready to give me
That big lump of coal!
As Negaduck sang that verse, Tuskerninni came onto the stage, dressed as Santa Claus. "Ho ho ho! Negaduck, I do say you have been quite the rapscallion! No toys for you!"
I leapt up on the roof,
And startled the old fart,
And in a few seconds,
I shot him right in the heart!
With that, Negaduck pretended to shoot Tuskerninni. "Oh me, oh my!" Tuskerninni cried, "I have been shot! Me, the symbol of joy and spirit! How could this happen? Is there no justice in this bleak world of ours!"
Leaping on stage, Joker pushed off the two animals. "Now for my holiday poem, dedicated to someone very special!" Thus, Joker began singing to the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman':
Batsy the hero Batsy the hero
Was a moody, grumpy soul
With big pointy ears and a dumb old frown
And a cape as black as coal!
Is a big nuisance I say
He's a buzzkill but I bet I will
Blow his head off someday!
There isn't all that much laughter
From that old grouchy boob
But I'll have him in my clutches
Oh what fun things I'll do!
Oh, Batsy, you moron,
I'll defeat you yet
The kids think you're cool,
But I know you're a fool,
Soon you'll be all wet!
The other villains and Peter cheered wildly, while Brian made his way up on the stage to deliver his poetry.
A black space lies before my eyes,
A void stands right before me,
I stare into the big black space,
And myself is all I see.
When Brian finished his poem, the villains all began to laugh wildly. "Hey!" said Brian, "It wasn't that bad, was it?" The villains, and even Peter, still giggled. "Yeah, I guess it was a bit crap..."
"Have a beer!" Doom shoved a Pawtucket Patriot in Brian's mouth, and the dog happily drunk.
Back in the basement, the family were still struggling, but Meg had managed to get out of her ropes. "Hey, I got out!"
"Oh, good, you want a medal?" groaned Stewie.
"Hey, what's this?" Meg noticed a strange yellow glow behind a stack of cardboard boxes, went to investigate and saw a strange glowing portal in the wall. "What the heck?" Surprised at first, Meg then thought that this could be used as a mode of escape, and entered the portal to see if it was a safe place to escape to. After stepping through, Meg found herself in what looked like a burning house. "Oh, fuck." A growl echoed through the house, and Meg saw a dragon with a furnace in its stomach.
"You've kept me waiting, Alice...wait, have you gained weight? I know you ate buckets of ice cream after the death of your parents that you caused, but really!"
"Um, I'm not Alice."
"Well, whoever you are, you interrupted my viewing of It's A Wonderful Life, so die!" The dragon blasted purple beams from his eyes, causing Meg to run from the portal back into the basement, only for the dragon to rise from the portal as well. The beast still on her trail, Meg ran from the basement into the living room, where the villains' party was in full swing. Meg would have run away where she not frozen by the sight of Robotnik and Doom, having drunk even more beer, dancing with their shirts off.
"Hey!" cried Peter, "Come join us, Meg!"
"Oh look!" said the Joker, "It's the Jabberwock! What brings you from the scary evil Wonderland?"
Turning around, Meg saw the cyborg dragon that had been persuing her. The Jabberwock didn't answer, as he too was shocked by the sight of a shirtless Robotnik and Doom, and it had even made his eyes fall out. These eyes caught Meg's attention, as she remembered how they shot out those purple beams. Taking one of the eyes and sticking it onto a broom, Meg had created a weapon to use on the invaders. She first fired the weapon on Doom and Robotnik, causing them to explode in a fountain of oddly-coloured entrails. Then, she reduced Carl to a pile of bug guts, smashed Evil Edna's screen to pieces, roasted the St Canard gang, and turned the Joker into clown pizza.
"OK," cried Scratch as he, Grounder, Harry and Harley Quinn burst through the front door. "We're fed up of..." They too ended up victims of Meg.
"Yes," Meg danced around the corpses of the criminal monsters, "I saved the day!"
"Meg!" Peter looked disgusted, "How could you?"
"What? They were holding us hostage!"
"They were really great guys! They knew how to throw a party!"
"Yeah," said the Joker, getting off the floor, "Have some courtesy!"
"Wait, didn't I just kill you?"
Joker pulled out a small device from a jacket pocket. "DC gives all its marketable characters a Resurrection Machine in case of such a situation like this!" Pushing a button on the device, Joker brought all the defeated villains back to life, but not the sidekicks.
"You gonna bring your hot henchwoman, those robots and that frog back to life," asked Peter.
"Nah!" said the Joker.
"Aw great," moaned Bushroot, "Now the only chick we have is a fricking television set!" This comment got him turned into a giant salamander.
Peter laughed. "You guys are great! In fact, I like you lot so much, I have an idea..."
So after Christmas, Peter converted his house into a nightclub for villains only, and bad guys from far and wide came to drink and dance the night away. The Jabberwock had even been hired as a bouncer.
"Sorry, Sideshow Bob, you can't come in wearing Doc Martins. Next!"
"Peter," growled Lois, "I still can't believe you made our house a haven for some of the lowest scum in the world!"
"Hey, come on!" said Peter, brushing dust off his fur coat and playing with his gold chains, "They're real party dudes! And I'm making loads of dough!"
"They're villains, Peter! The money was most likely stolen!"
"Yeah, this was the best Christmas ever!"