What is Real? Or 'There is no Fandom'

by kalurien

A challenge ficlet where worlds collide. AU. Elrond meets some fangirls.

This is a challenge ficlet where one was required to incorporate a list of certain words, namely:

Potato
Hammerhead Shark
Fountain pen
Purple nail polish
Lotion
Refrigerator magnet
Grapes
Paper cut
Squeegee
Extendable Hard Drive

And smut of course, can't forget that ;)

So, some things may seem a bit . . . odd  ;)

With thanks to Insomniac Luddite.  :D

Warning! Some slash-bashing, just kidding, hahahah.

What is Real?  Or 'There is no fandom.'
By kalurien
Elrond/Celebrían
Rated R

She flicked the stray lock of purple-tinted hair out of her eyes with an impatient gesture and snapped her bubblegum noisily.  Where in the heck was she, anyway?  The last thing she remembered, she was ogling a really cool picture of Legolas held up with refrigerator magnets as her fingers tapped busily away at the keyboard, adding the final words to her latest Frodo/Elrond romance.  She really would have to do Legolas/Elrond next; they were all so hot and horny, these characters. 

So what had happened?  Had the computer monitor sucked her into another dimension?  That would be so awesome.  Maybe this was even Middle-earth.  The building she had landed next to didn't look like anything from the movie though, darn it.  She picked herself up out of the bushes and adjusted her backpack as she approached a nearby window.

The ledge of the casement was wide enough to stand on and she hefted herself up onto it, attempting to peer through the thick leaded pane.  Crap.  She examined a purple nail polish tipped finger.  Chipped it all ready, so much for that manicure.

She made an annoying snorting sound and spit on the nubilous glass using her hand like a squeegee, with no apparent result, since it was designed to let in light, but keep prying eyes out.  Unwilling to accept this, she squinted and leaned her considerable weight against the tall window . . .

                                     v    v   v   v

Celebrían arched her back with pleasure at the touch of his tongue, hotter than she was herself, if at all possible.  Her soft moans encouraged him to delve even deeper, stroking her flesh with the aid of his long fingers.  His very long fingers.   She managed to have a semi-coherent thought.  "And if someone should happen to enter, Melethron?  What then, hmm?"

He did not even look up.  "The possibility of discovery adds a certain excitement, does it not?"

"You are indeed very naughty."

Elrond smiled.  "I am, yes."

"Oh . . ." Her faced flushed as her blood suddenly seemed to boil over.  She grasped his hair and pushed herself against him as all control left her.  She opened her eyes a minute later as her pounding breath subsided and received the pleasant sight of her husband and lover divesting himself of his breeches. She tipped the bottle of warm lotion into her palm and reached out a hand to stroke him into even greater rigidity.

Elrond's eyes narrowed and he let out a hiss of pleasure as she also used her tongue, moving her hand lower to fondle other parts of him.  "Enough, Melethril, unless you wish for my immediate undoing."

Celebrían paused long enough to grin at him.  "Whichever method pleases you, Hîr Nín, the choice is yours; you have but to voice it."

He parted her legs once more and pushed her back against the cushions as he lowered his body against hers, his lips discovering her breast.  "I have chosen then, will you abide by my wishes?"

She gasped as he sheathed himself with one hard stroke.  "I always endeavor to please Thee."

"Indeed you do," he murmured as he molded his pelvis to hers.  At that precise inopportune moment all hell broke loose as the window shattered into a thousand pieces.

                                    v    v   v   v

Elrond raised his head in alarm at the sight that greeted him on the other side of the sofa.  His jaw dropped and he simply stared with open-mouthed astonishment for a long moment, completely forgetting his present occupation and state of undress.

The purple-haired girl recovered herself quickly, standing up and shaking the shards of glass from her clothing.  She squealed with delight at the semi-naked peredhel whom she could only see from the shoulders up anyway.  "Oh my god, this is so totally kewl!  I am in Middle-earth and you're Elrond!"  She smirked knowingly.  "Having a bit of a shag there?  With who, Frodo?  Or Legolas?  Please, please let it be Legolas."

Elrond remained speechless as Celebrían lifted her head as well, wondering what in the name of Mandos was going on.  She stayed remarkably calm under the circumstances.  "Pray tell me just who is this 'Legolas'?  And for that matter, who in all of Arda are you?"

The girl scratched her rather thick head in puzzlement.  "Oh this can't be right . . . it's a woman.  Everybody knows all the elves are gay."

Elrond found his voice.  "What could merriment possibly have to do with anything at this moment?"  He glanced down and quickly buttoned up his breeches.

She frowned.  "No no, not merry.  You know, gay."  They all froze as a second crashing noise assaulted their ears and their heads swiveled as one as another of the great windows shattered before their eyes.  Somehow Elrond was becoming accustomed to the sight of human females entering his library in this fashion.

The newcomer adjusted her glasses and looked around.  "Wow, elves.  This is great.  Where am I, Formenos . . . Lindon?"  She nodded at Elrond.  "Which one are you, anyway?  Fëanor?  Oh please, please let it be Fëanor."

The purple-haired girl clicked her tongue in annoyance.  "Don't you know anything?  This is Elrond of course, but I haven't found out yet about this little bitch, though.  Who is she?"

Elrond growled.  "Are you referring to my wife?"

The purple-haired girl snorted.  "What is this, AU?  I saw the movie, you don't have a wife, she's dead or something."

"Of course he did," interjected the newcomer.  "But this can't be her; he never loved her so I hardly think he'd be messing around on a couch with her."  She grabbed some grapes from a bowl on the table and chewed them thoughtfully.  "Besides, all the elves are gay anyway; they only had marriages of convenience to produce heirs.  Everybody knows that Elrond's true bond was with Gil-galad."

Elrond began to sputter.  "My true WHAT?"

"No way!" shouted the other.  "Elrond loves Legolas the best and maybe Frodo second.  Who the heck is Gil-galad, anyway?"

"SILENCE!"  Elrond looked askance at both of them.  "You have to be spies of Sauron, there is no other explanation.  Tell me your names at once!"

The purple-haired girl pouted.  "Cripes, you don't have to have a cow, man, chill.  I'm Amber in real-life, but my screen-name is Elberethiniel."

The newcomer laughed out loud.  "Typical, really.  Stupid Leggy fan-girls."

"Oh and you are so perfect, I'll bet.  What's your name, like I really want to know?"

She adjusted her glasses.  "My real name is Anna.  My screen name is Thuringwethil."

"Thuring what?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not surprised that you don't know."

"I knew it."  Elrond gritted his teeth.  "Spies of Sauron, without a doubt."

Anna sighed.  "Well not the real Thuringwethil, naturally."

Elrond let go of her collar and narrowed his eyes.  "There are two of that loathsome creature?  What is this devilry?"

She rolled her eyes.  "No, of course not.  It's just an alias, on the internet.  I thought you were supposed to be a smart elf?"

Elrond looked peeved.  "Apparently even the wise cannot decipher your gibberish."

Amber opened her backpack.  "Look, here is my laptop, I'll show you."  She opened it up on the table.

Anna snorted.  "Like there's going to be an internet connection in Middle-earth."  She paused and looked envious.  "That's a nice one, though.  Pentium 4?"

Amber nodded.  "2.4GHz, extendable hard drive."

Celebrían looked at the flashing lights with fascination.  "What is the purpose of this thing?"

"Well, I use it to do research, homework and stuff, but mostly I like to write slash fanfic."

Anna pressed a couple of buttons.  "I never write on the computer, I'm too addicted to pretty journals and fountain pens."

Amber shuddered.  "Why risk paper cuts?"

Celebrían looked up.  "Slash fanfic?  Whatever is that?"

Amber had the grace to blush a little.  "Gay sex stuff.  Mostly about him."  She nodded towards Elrond who looked puzzled once more.  "Well the act of intercourse is certainly pleasant," he said.  "Gay is not a term I would apply to it, however."

Anna shook her head.  "Gay means homosexual, you know, two males doing the nasty. Like you and Gil-galad."

Elrond blinked.  Celebrían laid a hand on his arm.  "Melethron?  Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"By all the Valar, NO!  I am bound to one being only and she is standing right here by my side.  How can you spout such drivel?"

The door opened.  "Adar?  Is that you shouting?  What is happening?"

Elrond sighed and passed his hand across his face.  "I truly wish that I knew."

Elladan entered the room followed by his brother.  They both came to an abrupt halt and stared at the fangirls who in turn stared right back at them.

Amber almost drooled.  "Oohhhh, my god they're gorgeous."  She nudged Anna.  "Ever write twincest?"

"No . . . although Elrond/Elros could have a lot of angst possibilities."

"Elrond/who?" 

"You really are hopeless.  Grow a brain, potato-head, why don't you and maybe you'll be able to read the books."

"Anal Tolkein snot."

"You probably can't even spell Tolkien, you cow."

"Bitch!"

"Whale!"

"Hammerhead shark!"

Anna paused.  "Hammerhead shark?"

Amber shrugged.  "Well they are ugly, all bug-eyed out the sides of their heads."

"True."

Elrohir whispered in Elrond's ear.  "Ada?  What is 'twincest'?"

Amber overheard and sighed longingly.  "That would be you and your beautiful brother, buck-naked and shagging each other silly."

Elrohir looked confused.  "What?"

Elladan paled.  "I believe I got the gist of that, what a repulsive thought."  He looked at his brother.  "She would like to observe us bonding together."

Elrohir was speechless.

So was Elrond.

And Celebrían as well.

Elrond took a deep breath.  "That is the final straw, whoever and whatever you are.  You have trespassed on my hospitality too long, vile creatures."  He held his hand aloft and with a blinding flash of light; the fangirls vanished in a clap of deafening thunder.  His family continued to stare, awestruck.

Celebrían looked at her husband with wide eyes.  "I had no idea Vilya could do that."

Elrond shrugged.  "Neither did I, not until that very moment, but it was certainly worth trying."

Elladan nodded.  "Indeed."  He poked his brother.  "Come dearest, let us retire to my chamber and bind ourselves to one another."

Elrohir snickered and choked as they left the room.

Elrond turned back to his lady with a sigh.  "That sounds like the best idea I have heard in an age."

Celebrían raised her eyebrows.  "That our sons should be bound together?"

"Nay, that you and I should reinforce our own by remembering where we were an hour ago."

"I seem to recall we prefaced that incident with talk of perhaps adding to our family, but now the thought of having a daughter fills me with dread, for some reason."

Elrond grimaced.  "I will soon drive all of that reluctance straight from your mind, come."  He led her back to the sofa and made good his promise.

"Do you think we will wake to find it all a nasty dream?"

"That is a distinct possibility," he murmured, his lips finding her breast once more.

Over on the table, the laptop flashed its little green lights and chuckled evilly.

                                    v    v   v   v

Melethron- lover. m

Melethril- lover. f

Hîr Nín- my Lord.

Elberethiniel- a really dumb name.

Thuringwethil- woman of secret shadow, the messenger of Sauron from Tol-in-Gaurhoth who took the form of a great bat, and in whose shape Lúthien entered Angband.