A little while ago, I crossed the threshold of 300 followers on tumblr and held a one shot give away. The winner was cowboy-and-city-girl , who requested a story where after the now infamous scene in the season 3 promo, Riley breaks down and tells Lucas everything. There were a few other requests as well, but I don't want to spoil it for you.
Riley isn't sure how any of this happened. One minute they're all congregating in the hallway between classes, chatting about how the first part of their day has gone, the next minute she and Lucas are fighting. What starts as a simple conversation evolves into a near shouting match, with Zay and Maya dragging them to the pit in the middle of the school in the hopes of keeping it from becoming a public spectacle.
She just can't understand why he wants to play football. Another dangerous sport. Why does Lucas want to put himself at risk like that? He's always been athletic, excelling in nearly every sport he tries, and she's known that that would continue in high school. But it's always been sports like baseball and basketball and golf and everything else that's arguably safer and less barbaric than football.
Riley can't figure out why he wants to play something so violent. She's seen games with horrific injuries, has watched the news pieces outlining the sad, debilitating, permanent effects that so many football players seem to experience. The toll that the sport takes on their bodies. The thought of Lucas putting himself through any of that, just to prove to those stupid seniors that he has a place in the school, terrifies her.
What's worse is no one else seems to understand why she's trying to stop him. Zay is, of course, planning on trying out with him and naturally agrees with his position, but Farkle and Smackle both seem to think it's okay as well. Even Maya, who fought so hard to prevent him from riding Tombstone seems to think that this is okay and is willing to just sit back and let it happen. Why don't they see that this is dangerous? Why can't they understand it will only end in bad things?
"I just don't get why you're doing this, Riley." Lucas says. "You believed in me and supported me more than anyone else when I was riding Tombstone. Why can't you believe in me now?"
Riley crosses her arms over her chest, fighting the urge to glare. "That was different." She replies. "Riding Tombstone was something you had to do. That you needed to do to prove something to yourself. This isn't anything like that. You don't need to play football. You just want to."
Lucas shakes his head, chuckling bitterly. "If you think that's what this is about then you don't know me at all, Riley. This has nothing to do with me wanting to play football and everything to do with what I have to prove."
"You don't need to prove anything. We all know who you are, Lucas. We all like you the way that you are."
"I'm not trying to prove anything to any of you. I'm trying to prove it to me." He stops and sighs. His eyes soften and Riley feels her own frustration and ire tamp back down. "This is something that I need to do." After he finishes, he stands there just waiting.
For a moment it's almost like it's just them, down in the pit, and they're close to having some sort of a breakthrough. Riley knows exactly what he's saying now. This isn't about playing big man on campus because of the way those seniors treated them, or falling back on his reputation as the student athlete; it's about proving to himself that there's something hard that he can do. Just like in Texas at the rodeo. Lucas has been left feeling like the helpless kid who got thrown for too long and he's trying to get back up and master the bull. Then it was because of Judy the Sheep. Now it's because of her and Maya.
And Riley gets it. It's not a fun ride to be a passenger on. She's been left reeling for months now, so she understands the need and drive to do anything you can to try and take control of the wheel, if only for a few small moments to prove that you still can. As she realizes that's what Lucas is trying to do, Riley's struck by the urge to back down and take everything back. She needs to let him know that she understands him, just like she always has and she needs to be there to support him.
This could be one of their important moments. Only…
Everyone else is still there waiting too. Riley can see Zay, Farkle, and Smackle all watching the scene with rapt gazes. She can feel Maya standing to the side waiting to see what happens next. Can only imagine what will happen next if this is one of her important moments with Lucas.
She can't do that. The only reason things have been comfortable and bearable at all with Maya is their unspoken rules about this whole mess, with unspoken rule number one being that when they're together as a group nobody gets to act like any one else is the only other person in the room. Just as quickly as the rush of understanding and hope flooded her system, Riley realizes she can't just smile, say she understands, and tell him to go ace the tryouts; that's not how this works anymore.
Riley shakes her head and searches for every ounce of courage she can muster to sell what she has to say. Just like Texas. "Well you know what I don't need, Lucas? I don't need to see you get hurt. I don't want to and I don't need to and I think it's ridiculous that you're willing to risk something like that just play some stupid game."
"You are just too much for me Riley."
It's all Riley can do to stand there and take his words. She's known Lucas for over two years now, has had feelings for him nearly as long. He's seen her be goofy and earnest and enthusiastic and every other part of her personality that everyone seems to get tired with sometimes and not once as he ever treated her like she's stupid or impossible. He's never made her feel small before. Even her parents haven't managed that. It might have been hopelessly naive of her but there's a part of her, the small part that believes Pluto can still be a planet no matter what the scientific community says, that had thought maybe, just maybe, it was because Lucas and her were meant to be what her parents were for each other—people who accept each and every one of each other's quirks and love and care for each other because of them.
That part shrinks back, falling behind a choking cloud of darkness.
Riley is vaguely aware of Lucas leaving the pit, heading up the stairs to the main hallway of the school. Zay offers a tiny, awkward pat on the shoulder before going after his friend. The world slowly drifts back into focus and she finds everyone else waiting for her reaction. Just like she couldn't give into the moment, she can't give in to the urge to crumble now. Deep breath, shake it off, let them know it's all OK.
"What are you guys staring at?" She forces a small, albeit shaky, smile. "It's fine."
"Even I can tell that was a lie." Smackle's comment in Farkle's ear is less whispered than she probably intends.
Maya rolls her eyes, but instead of adding to the conversation, takes a step toward Riley. "Riles, Lucas just-,"
"He was just making his feelings known." Riley shakes her head, cutting Maya off. She doesn't need to hear the words again. It hurts enough to say this much. "Just what we've been asking him to do all summer. It's fine. I'm fine." The warning bell rings, a welcome escape. "We have to get to class."
There are a few more token protests from her friends but Riley fights her way through dismissing all of them and is the first to head upstairs to get to class. As she hurries to her locker, in a separate bank from everyone else, she tells herself that it's better this way. She's not betraying Maya, she knows what Lucas really thinks now...somehow, this is the way things are supposed to be. Maybe it will all come together now and make sense. Maybe this fight is for the best.
She manages to keep this mindset until the first class she has without her friends, when it feels safe to finally breathe again. Only breathing leads to thinking leads to crumbling.
Lucas finds her crying on a bench in an alcove near the language wing of the school. He's walking around during his study hall, trying to get the lay of the land, enjoying not being obligated to sit in a classroom and work, and feeling incredibly guilty over losing his temper earlier.
At first, he thinks it can't possibly be her. She's facing the other direction so all he can really see is shaking shoulders and brown hair but he knows that he's never seen her cry. Not like this. She's been upset, maybe even a little weepy like most of the girls he's known get sometimes, but he's never seen her actually cry.
Yet he hears a little whimpering gasp, and Lucas knows. It's Riley crying on the bench. Crying when she's supposed to be in class and if he wasn't feeling bad enough about what he had said down in the pit before, finding out that she's upset enough to skip class on the first day of is like a knife to his gut.
"Riley?"
She jumps and turns in her seat, automatically reaching up to wipe at her eyes. It does little to hide her puffy eyes and the wet streaks on her face. "Lucas! Of course you'd be the one...what are you doing here?"
Her voice is thick and it hurts Lucas to hear. How many times has he heard that tone in her voice since Texas and thought nothing of it? How many times has he seen this same thin smile, so obvious now in its lack of authenticity, and thought she was the same happy Riley?
"I have study hall." Lucas sits next to her. He knows he has to apologize to her. Because even if she was frustrating him he had no right to talk to her like he had, or humiliate her in front of their friends. And maybe if she forgives him they can have a real conversation and he can make sense of the picture that's starting to come together in his head. "But I'm glad I found you out here. I owe you an-,"
"I need to get back to class." Riley stands, almost as quickly as he sits, wiping at her face again since the tears haven't really stopped. "I can't do this right now."
Lucas just manages to catch her hand in his to stop her from walking away when he jumps to his feet. "But I need to. Riley, class is almost over anyways. Just stay and listen? Please?"
"I can't." Even through her quiet protest, Riley starts to crumble. She shakes her head as she speaks, valiantly trying to keep herself from dissolving back into sobs. "I can't sit here and listen to you apologize and fall even harder for you when I know I don't stand a chance. I'm sure you regret what you said and you're sorry so that needs to be the end of it, because I can't do this anymore, Lucas. I can't keep having these feelings for you that I know you can't possibly return. I've been letting myself hold on to this sliver of hope that somehow it's going to work out but it's killing me. If you felt the same you would have found some way to tell me, but all you've told me is that, just like everyone else, you're just putting up with me. So I can't sit here and let you build yourself back up to the guy that I care so much about when caring about you is just one of the things that's killing me. I need to be able to hate you a little if I'm ever gonna move on."
The last time Lucas felt this lost, Riley was telling him that he was her brother. What is she talking about, saying that he couldn't possibly return her feelings? Or thinking that they're all just putting up with her? None of this makes any sense. Yes, he hasn't been as forthcoming with how he feels as he should have been but he has to be careful about hurting them; Riley would be nearly as hurt by him choosing her and leaving Maya to pick up the pieces as she would if the reverse were what he happened so it's felt impossible to speak up, even if he has figured out exactly what it is he wants. He had thought for sure though that Riley understood that. How can she think that he doesn't care? "What do you mean, if you're going to move on?"
"I have to stop holding onto these dreams, Lucas. I need to get ready for when everything changes because I know it's coming. You and Maya and Farkle and everyone else are all talented at practically everything you try or geniuses or know exactly where you're going and I couldn't even figure out what electives to take. You're all gonna rise up and be kings of this school too and I can't even find a hobby that people will let me do without tacking on that it's really cute that I'm trying. Six months from now you'll all have your place and a ton of new friends and you'll decide that Maya's perfect for you and I'm just gonna be the weird girl with no plans that you guys used to hang out with.
"I spent all summer telling myself that it wasn't going to happen, but here we are. You and Zay are trying out for football, Farkle and Zay are already being singled out as examples in class...I'm sure it won't be long before Maya's art is on display or she gets a solo in choir and I'm...I'm just the girl who's 'too much' for all of you." Riley hiccups and sniffles and wipes at her eyes once more before taking a long shuddering breath. She stands a little straighter before she speaks again. "So I need you to stop. I need you to stop making it seem like everything is gonna work out and stop being so wonderful and making me feel like I matter because at the rate things are going when it all comes down it's gonna kill me."
The bell rings before Lucas can respond. The hall floods with students, and while he and Riley stare at each other for a moment in the chaos, a second later she blinks and turns away, half jogging down the hall.
Just like that, Riley's gone, and Lucas isn't even sure if it's possible to get her back.
"Talking to the coach about taking your name off of the try-out list?"
The confident, decidedly feminine voice that comes from the side of the room is surprising to Lucas for a few reasons, mostly because they're in the boys' locker room and she seems to know exactly what he was doing, even though he hasn't told anyone about his plans. He'd spent his last class period completely tuning out his new science teacher's lab safety lecture, obsessing instead over everything that Riley had confessed out in the hall, and wondering how he could fix any part of it.
He can't lose Riley. He can't believe he hadn't really realized that it was a possibility. Or that Riley thinks it's an inevitability. How could he not notice how much his silence was affecting her? How could he not see her unhappiness and fear underneath the brave face? How could he be so stupid, to let things get this far?
Lucas knows he needs to find a way to reassure her, but it seems impossible. He still can't speak up about his feelings and risk hurting Maya and destroying that friendship. He can't make promises about how high school is going to go for any of them. He can't even just go hold her hand and talk to her because apparently, she doesn't want that anymore. The only gesture he can even come up with is to do what she asked, and pass on playing football. So to the coach he went.
But the girl talking to him now probably shouldn't know that, so when he turns to face her, Lucas is careful to school his expression and not react to her comment at all. "You're not supposed to be in here."
"I'm not supposed to do a lot of things, Huckleberry." Maya's leaning against a bank of lockers, arms crossed over her chest although she starts to gesture with her hand as she speaks. "Blow off my homework, sneak into R-rated movies, make my best friend think she has to give up the guy she's crazy about..." She drops off with an awkward glance away, but looks back just as quickly. "When you think about it, sneaking into the boys' locker room ranks pretty low on the list."
Lucas can hear the mostly familiar, bittersweet note gracing her voice, and wishes it could tell him where this encounter is going because he just doesn't have a clue. All he knows for sure is that he's not ready for any more big confessions, reveals, or twists in the game; he doesn't have the energy left. He sighs and makes the decision to cut to the chase. "And why, exactly, are you in here?"
"Because. We need to talk." Maya says. "I figured it would be easier to do it on our own and this place would be nice and quiet since the rest of the meat heads will be tackling each other out on the field right about now."
Oversimplified and slightly insulting description of football aside, Lucas agrees with the premise. "What do we need to talk about?"
"About what you're going to do to fix things with Riley."
He sighs again and starts to pace a little. Why do both of these girls insist on making things harder by always putting the other first? "I know I screwed up and was out of line. I already tried to apologize but..." He trails off, unsure if he should tell Maya about everything that had transpired in the hall. "I'm working on it."
"OK, but I'm not talking about you being a jerk earlier. I'm talking about fixing things between you two."
"What?" Once again...not where he's expecting the conversation to go.
"I know Riley, and that fight wasn't about you playing football, it was about what this mess is doing to her. To all of us." Maya sits down on one of the benches, pulling her feet up and crossing her ankles underneath her knees. "And I know you well enough to know that you've been careful about giving us the whole picture because you don't want to hurt anyone, but...that needs to stop. The silence and half truths are hurting her. So this is me. Telling you to man up and throw me out of the equation so you can go to her and fix this."
Maybe it's just been too many twists and surprising moments in one day, or maybe he's just been overwhelmed by the reality of starting high school meaning he actually has to start dealing with his problems, but for whatever reason, Lucas just doesn't process what Maya says. He sits next to her on the bench, but he has no response, because he still can't understand why she's saying it or where she's really going with this.
"Look." Maya touches his knee briefly. "You don't have to feel guilty about this. I might have some kind of feelings for you but I have no idea what they really are. Sometimes it feels like maybe we should kiss, but most of the time it just feels like...like you're important and I like having you around. And I think it's really obvious that Riley does know her feelings and you know yours, and you're both just hurting yourselves trying to protect me. You're idiots."
"That's not what we're-,"
Maya cuts him off. She doesn't roll her eyes or scoff, so Lucas gets the feeling she's less annoyed, just being totally serious, a feeling that gets confirmed when she uses his actual name. "Lucas, it's exactly what you're doing. You and I might be a little confused about each other but you've never been confused about Riley. When the three of us are together, I'm the afterthought, not the priority. That's her. You care what she thinks. She helps you make the right choices and lets you be the best possible Huckleberry you can be. And Riley…
"When you and Riley were sort of together, she was so different. She was happier and braver and...she was never better at being herself and being OK with who that was than when it was just you two. You both make each other happy and better and I can't stand in the way of that. Even if I was 100% sure that I was in love with you, and I am so, so far from that, I couldn't stand between you guys anymore, not knowing what it's doing."
Oh.
When she lays it all out like that, it seems so clear. So black and white. For him it's always been Riley. Everything that Maya has just said is true. In his head, Riley always comes first. How much time has he wasted, how much has he hurt things by letting this messy thing with her and Maya go on when he could have ended it?
"You're right." He nods, swallowing thickly around the emotion and the realization that's gathered in his throat. "I'm sorry, but you're right. For me it's Riley. That's who it's always gonna be."
"I know." Maya stands. "So you better do a real good job making her realize that."
He's already thinking back to the half-formed plans he had dismissed during science as going way too far; now they don't quite seem like they go far enough. "Are you gonna be OK?"
She smiles, just as bittersweet as her voice. "I'm Maya Penelope Hart. I can handle anything. As long as we get Riley back."
Three quick knocks on her bedroom door interrupt Riley's time moping in the bay window. She'd hurried home after school, shooting off a quick text to everyone with a lie about being swamped with homework for her French class because she'd misunderstood the summer reading assignment to keep them away, and changed into her sweats and an NYU hoodie Uncle Josh had gifted her. She's fairly cried out after the disaster that was her first day at Abigail Adams and the conversations with Lucas (and what had she been thinking, losing it like that and telling him so much? She's supposed to fade into the background, not go out in big implosion of embarrassing feelings…) and all she wants to do is sit around for a while, resting and feeling sorry for herself until she absolutely has to go back out and face the real world again. But she doesn't even get the chance to tell whoever is knocking that she doesn't want them to come in.
There's almost no delay between the knocks and the door swinging open. Auggie, carrying a basket wrapped in purple cellophane walks right over and places it in her lap. "Someone just dropped this off for you and said it was very important that you open it and read the note."
"Who would send me something like this?" Riley frowns, turning the wrapped basket around in her hands trying to divine the answer through the blurred look at it's contents. The mystery of a present, and one that appears so thoughtful at that, is enough to push back a small bit of her sorrow over the day. Even without knowing what it is, that someone cared enough to send it makes her feel like less of the extra, unusual friend that's too much for everyone and more like someone special.
"I can't tell you that." Auggie shrugs.
"Why not?"
"They made me promise."
"Auggie, I'm your sister. Your loyalty should be to me."
"Well, they gave me five dollars to give it to you, and another ten not to tell you who they are" He explains. "So unless you want to up the ante and give me a twenty, my loyalty for this lies with the guy who paid for it."
Riley can't contain her disapproval. "Auggie!"
"Sorry Riley, but Ava's birthday is coming up and she expects big things from me, and my options for cash are limited. If I get to earn a little money and do a little work on the side of true love, I'm doing it." He starts to back out of the room and leaves, but not before giving her one last cheerful reminder. "Don't forget to read the note!"
Once she's alone again, Riley can't contain her sigh and confusion. She doesn't have a clue who would send her a gift like this, not after how ridiculous she was at school today, picking fights and losing all composure and control…confessing every ugly thought and secret to the one person she needed to be normal in front of just so she could feel sure in pushing him away...Who would want to be nice to a disaster like that?
And then there's Auggie's comment about being on the side of true love…
Riley stares for a few moments longer, just holding the basket in her hands before she realizes that the answer isn't going to just come to her by looking at. She undoes the ribbon that's tying the cellophane, sets it to the side, and peels the purple material down. Without the wrapping she can see some of what's been packed inside the basket, but no mysterious note.
"I guess it must be under all this stuff." She starts to unload the gift, placing things next to her on the bench.
There's a lilac blanket that just might be made of the softest fleece she's ever felt, a bag of white chocolate truffles, a white teddy bear, a DVD of Legally Blonde, a gift card to her favorite little book shop, and then finally...a folded up note.
Riley,
I wish I could rewind things and start over, because there's no good reason that everything happened the way it did. Other than the fact that we're all idiots. Mostly me. I'm the biggest idiot in the world for thinking that I was doing the right thing by anyone by refusing to make my choice clear. If I had just spoken up when you guys first asked me to, we could all be over this by now and instead we're all crumbling…
You've been hurt by my inaction and that's the last thing I ever wanted. Because the first, and only thing I've wanted for a really long time, is you. I can give up a lot of things, and a lot of people, but I could never give up you.
By now you've probably realized who wrote this and either you're really mad and crumpling up this note, or you're willing to listen to what I have to tell you.
I really hope it's the second one.
If it's not, just throw the balled up note at my head. I'm a few steps down the fire escape, waiting for you to finish reading.
If it is, maybe let me in so we can talk? I really miss talking with you.
Yours only,
Lucas
She's not as cried out as she thought. Riley's got tears falling by the time she's halfway through the note; she can't even tell what kind of tears they are. She's not sure if she's happy and hopeful over what she's just read, angry that Lucas can't leave well enough alone and do what actually makes sense, or just plain overwhelmed by everything.
All she knows is she has to open the window and that she's not going to throw the note at him.
Lucas doesn't waste any time in coming up. He climbs in through the window, gets himself situated next to her and, after a moment, reaches over to thumb away one of her tears. "Please don't cry, Riley. I can't stand to see you upset."
"I'm not..." She lets her protest fall off because it's not true. Or might not be. She's still not sure what she is. She holds up the note, still clutching it tightly in her hand. "Why did you write this, Lucas?"
"It's something I needed to tell you and I wasn't sure if you'd be willing to listen to me."
"But...why? Why now? Why me? Just...why?"
""The now is because I'm an idiot. I should have fought for you when you started to push me away but I didn't know how. And when I found out at New Years that you still had feelings for me I just… took it for granted that things would work themselves out. I thought that saying something would hurt Maya which I thought would hurt you; I couldn't make myself come between you two and thought for sure that it would be OK. What we had between us was so special...I thought with enough time Maya would figure things out and we'd be together. I never realized you thought I was staying quiet to spare your feelings. I never thought being patient and waiting for something that felt inevitable to me was hurting you. And if I had known I swear, I would have spoken up sooner. Believe me, knowing that I was the one hurting you...kills me. The moment I found out I knew I had to fix it.
"As for why you…The first time I saw you I knew you were special and beautiful. And then I actually met you and got to know you and I was just...so blown away. By how much you care, how much you believe in me...how much you light up the world...just by being yourself. I fell hard and fast for you Riley Matthews. The only reason I ever even thought about anyone else is because you told me it couldn't be you and even then...you are the only person I wanted. I said you were too much for me today because I was angry and frustrated but you could never be too much for me. You could never be too much for me because I could never have enough of you. It has always been you for me. And I know I've done a really bad job of showing you that, especially these last few months, but if there's any chance...any chance at all that you believe me now, I needed to try.
"Maya knows I'm here and what I'm doing. She gave her blessing. The only people involved in this now are you and me. And this is where I stand. I care so deeply for you Riley. I want us to be together. I want us to be official and to go on dates and I want your dad to start chasing me out of this room again. I want you and me to be an us. So the only question is...what do you want?"
It's everything she's been waiting for, hoping and dreaming of for months, but now that it's happening, Riley can't quite believe it. She has to remind herself to breathe, and after pinching the skin on the back of her hand and realizing that she is, in fact, awake and not dreaming, Riley has to force herself to think back. She's been sure for so long that waiting for Lucas to pick her is just hanging on to a fantasy, and yet here is. Picking her. How could she have been so wrong?
How can this moment be real?
Riley stops focusing on the boy standing directly in front of her and starts thinking about him instead. She thinks about their trips to the movies, when he was so attentive and considerate. She thinks about the long nights that they used to spend talking, and telling him things that she'd barely considered telling anyone else. She thinks about Texas, and how even when Maya threatened to never speak to him again, all he did was ask her to stay and watch.
She thinks about the heart shattering moment of stepping back and realizes he wasn't just asking questions because she had surprised him; he had been trying to let her know that he didn't want her to step back. She thinks about his reaction to Charlie, all of his snappy comments and his involvement in the Couples Game, and realizes that even though that was when he was meant to be with Maya, he was jealous. About her.
She thinks about everything that's happened after New Years when her true feelings came out. The awkward silences and crowded moments and every little instance where it somehow felt like there was both too much and too little going on at the same time. She thinks about the times where everything felt endless and hopeless, but then there would just be some small connection with him—a shared glance or a smile because even through all the tension and changes, they were somehow still on the same wavelength.
She thinks about all of this.
And then suddenly she's back in the bay window and Lucas is in front of her and before she even realizes what she's doing, Riley's taking his face in her hands and pressing her lips against his.
She pulls back a couple of seconds later, smiling and crying once more, but this time she knows without question that the tears are happy. "I want you and me to be an us too."
This time Lucas kisses her.