WARNING: shonen-ai and swearing

Well, it's been nearly a month since I lasted posted anything so I think it's about time xD BUT I won't be posting stories very often since I got a new puppy and nearly all of my time and energy is consumed by that adorable little furry ball of limitless hyperactivity. I've also been quite sleep deprived lately, since she needs to stay in my room at night and she wakes me up at about 6:00 each morning to go outside. I've also been spending a lot of time putting together my cosplay outfits for a Con coming up later this month (my first one! :D). And I've been working my butt off to raise my grade in biology, which I've finally done. Yay! I'm getting a little off topic here. Conclusion, I don't have much time to write and post stories in my current situation, but I will whenever I can. Now, without further ado…

"You fall in love with a person, not a gender."

Mello

I lie flaccidly on the scorched earth, lost in a sea of debris and asphyxiating ash hovering in the air over my head, blocking my vision and threatening to suffocate me. Weakly, I turned my head to the side, staring out over the vast destruction; the endless piles of rubble that had once been my hideout were now only meaningless pieces of stone and brick. My sight began to falter, going in and out of focus as I stared off into the distance, wishing I was anywhere but here – lying on the heated terrain; completely helpless, miserable and terrified.

For the first time in my life, I couldn't save myself, and I hated that feeling; what hurt even worse than the pain was the realization that I was going to die here – alone – if no one came. And even then, would that person want me to live? Everyone that had broken into my hideout had wanted nothing more than to kill me with their own hands, so why the hell would any of them find it necessary to help me? I couldn't put my faith in that; either way, I was going to die, so what was the use of worrying?

I looked down at myself, letting my eyes wander over the torn and tattered clothing that hung loosely off my frame. Blood was dripping down my arm and falling onto the ground from a wound on my shoulder; even though my body was almost completely numb, I could feel the sharp, burning sting of my injury descending from my face and down part of my arm. The severity of it was nothing I was unaware of; I knew that if I didn't get out of here soon, it would easily kill me, but I could hardly gather the strength to keep on breathing – much less stand up and walk out of here. But I couldn't just lie here and let the life slowly drain out of me; what a pointless way to die.

Drawing together every last bit of strength I could muster, I pushed myself up off the ground with my arms – growing even more frail by the second – into a sitting position. A rigorous wave of pain washed through me, momentarily engulfing me in the austere agony of its constricted grasp; a fresh spurt of blood worked its way out of my wound, falling to the crimson-stained ground beneath me. I couldn't help but let out an aggrieved whimper, willing the pain to cease just long enough for me to stand and get a hold of myself. For a moment, I sat in anguish as the sharp stinging began to diminish, before I once again tried to raise myself up off the blood-soaked earth.

With a considerable amount of difficulty, I managed to stagger to my feet and use an upright piece of the wall for support, trying in vain to forget about the excruciating pain long enough to find my balance. When I could stand, I reached into my back pocket to retrieve my phone; I needed help, and there was only one person I felt I could trust at a time like this. My best friend, whom I'd grown up with during most of my childhood years, and…fallen in love with somewhere along the way. I left him behind at Wammy's after hearing the news of L's death; I hardly even gave him a warning, and I haven't talked to him since. It's been over four years; would he even still care enough to come and get me out of here? Would he be mad at me?

But I had to try.

My unsteady fingers capered over the keys, typing in the numbers I'd committed to memory years ago. Pressing the 'call' button, I drew in a deep, shaky breath and brought the phone up to my ear as I waited for him to pick up. It rang three times…four…five…six…

Just as I was about to give up and presume I was as good as dead anyway, a hesitant voice answered from the other end of the line. "H—hello?"

"M—Matt?" I asked, my voice sounding drained and miserable as I fought to keep myself conscious.

"Mello…" he replied, sounding relieved and completely stunned all the while. "We haven't spoken to each other in years…you…you don't sound good, Mel. A—are you okay?"

Just then, the tears that I'd been fighting to hold back were released, spilling over my scarred, bloodied face and dripping off the point of my chin to the sodden ground below. This was the reason I had never called him; I had known all along that if I'd heard his voice again, I would realize exactly how much I missed him. Now, I could hardly handle it. But I couldn't let my emotions get the better of me now; I needed his help.

"Matt," I choked out, fighting to regain my composure – or what was left of it. "Help…me…"

I heard an anxious gasp from the speaker. "Mello? What's wrong? Where are you?"

"Matt…" I sobbed, the phone slowly beginning to slip out of my fingers. "I…" my voice faltered and faded into the air.

"Tell me where you are!"

I fought to keep my breathing even. "The explosion…I…I can't—" I stopped abruptly, unable to continue as my vision filled with stars. I didn't know whether it was the fear or the blood loss that got to me first, but consciousness was slowly draining out of me.

"What explosion? What happened? Mello!" Matt's voice was growing even more and more frantic by the second. Gradually, my hearing began to fade as I started sinking back down to the ground.

"Matt…" I whispered.

"Mello!"

Suddenly, I lost my footing and was sent tumbling back down to the ground. I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head, before the world around me became faint and distorted, slowly slipping away from me. Everything went black.

._-:*~*~*~*:-_.

I heard a faint rustling sound beside me, the sudden noise piercing my eardrums and causing me to flinch. I waited a moment for the constant ringing in my ears to die down, before I noticed the footsteps drawing nearer and nearer to me. Someone pulled over a chair and took a seat. It was then that I began to wonder where the hell I was and what I was doing here; I was lying underneath a blanket on a bed, and that was all I could decipher at the moment. It couldn't have been the hospital…it was far too comfortable, and it obviously wasn't my own.

Unexpectedly, something cold touched the left side of my face, followed by an excruciatingly painful sting. A strained gasp escaped my mouth and my eyes flew open; I was surprised to only be greeted by darkness. Why on earth were all the lights turned off?

The pressure was lifted off my cheek that had now become almost completely numb. "Mello! You're awake!" came a relieved voice from above me.

"Who…?" I said weakly, my voice dying on my lips.

"It's Matt…"

"Are you sure?"

"I…what? I think I'd know who I am, Mihael. Do you not recognize me?"

So it really was him…Matt was the only one who knew my real name

"Are you okay, Mello?"

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, and when I opened them again, it was still completely dark. "W…why did you turn off all the lights? Where am I?"

There was a long pause, and I heard an agitated sigh come from the boy at my bedside. "The lights are on, Mel. And you're in my apartment."

"What do you mean the lights are on?" I asked, dumbfounded. Surely I'd be able to discern light from dark, right? Either Matt was just trying to play some kind of imprudent joke on me, or I really had—

Then it hit me.

"…I'm blind?" my voice came out in a shallow whimper. I hoped it was all just a trick, or that I was dreaming and would be waking up at any moment, but Matt's all-too-serious reply denied that small hope.

"Shit, Mells," he whispered. "I didn't realize you'd hit your head that hard. Can you see anything? At all? Or is it just black?"

I squinted hard, trying to see if I could make out any other colors or perceive any objects in the room around me. Hopelessly, I blinked a few times, then sighed desolately. "It's just black."

"Y—you don't have to worry about it, alright? I'm sure it's only temporary…"

For a few seconds, I stayed silent, just trying to let all of this sink in. I was badly injured. Matt was here trying to help me. I was blind and…I wanted to see him. "How temporary is 'temporary'?"

"Well…it can last anywhere from a few hours to a few months. It all depends on how badly you got hit. It…doesn't look too bad, but I'm no doctor. I'm only speaking from personal experience…" his voice wavered. The uncertainty in his tone only made everything worse for me, but I tried to toughen up and avoid making myself appear too weak in front of him. I haven't seen him in over four years, and I'd missed him terribly; to be honest, I was fighting back the almost unbearable urge to throw myself at him and never let go. I could hardly speak past the lump forming in my throat. He couldn't be here when I started crying; I needed to get him out of here somehow.

"M—months?" I asked, my voice hardly above a whisper. "But…what if it never goes away?"

He sighed. "It will, okay?" I could tell he was just pretending to sound more hopeful about it to make me feel a little better, but I didn't bother to point that out. "But worrying about it won't change what happens. I have to finish cleaning off your wound now or it'll get infected. I'm almost done, alright?"

"Mm…" came my mumbled response.

I heard him move, and felt the bed sink down on one side as he leaned over me to grab the supplies. When he sat back, he paused for a moment, then lightly rested his fingers on my arm. "Now…this is going to sting. A lot. So I suggest you take a moment to compose yourself."

I swallowed hard, hoping I wasn't blushing. "The anticipation of it is just as bad. Get it over with…"

He started to say something, but cut himself off abruptly, lifting his hand from my arm. I heard him take in a deep breath, then exhale noisily. "Alright, then. Um…I apologize in advance for this. I'm almost finished. I promise."

Silently, I braced myself for what was to come, squeezing my eyes shut and clenching my hands into tight fists. When the cloth soaked in rubbing alcohol made contact with the burn, I almost lost it, but instead I bit onto my lip to keep from crying out. Matt's hand was shaking, and I could tell he was a little nervous; he'd probably never done something like this, at least not with anything this severe. He was evidently trying to be as gentle as possible, and I knew that, but the pain was still beyond anything I'd ever had to deal with before. Regardless, he was trying his best for me, since he knew I couldn't go into the hospital, so I had to give him that.

His hand faltered for a moment, pressing down harder on the burnt flesh and causing a pained grunt to escape my throat, my head involuntary pulling away from him.

"Gah! I'm so fucking sorry, Mel! Man, this would be so much easier if you were still unconscious…" I heard him add, muttering mostly to himself. "I'm sorry. Almost done."

He placed his index finger below my chin and turned me back to face him. "Ready?" he asked.

"Mhm…" I muttered, though my mind was completely elsewhere at the moment. This time, I was ready for the pain, and I hardly flinched. Once again, I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes, on the verge of spilling over. I couldn't let that happen; not in front of Matt.

"Um…Matt?" I asked, before clenching my teeth and breathing in sharply as he hit my injury too hard again.

"I'm sorry!" he apologized, before continuing once again, even more carefully than before. "What is it?" he answered.

"Do you have any chocolate?"

He paused a second, momentarily lifting the cloth from my marred skin. "I see your eating habits still haven't changed. You know I don't eat chocolate though, so no. Do you want some right now? I can go out and buy you some in a bit if you like…"

I swallowed, and nodded. "Yeah…" Maybe that'll give me some time to think…

He set something down on the table next to the bed. "I just need to bandage you up and you'll be good to go for now. Can you sit up?"

"Uh…I…I think so…"

I heard him moving forward as he leaned on the bed. "Here, let me help you," he offered, lightly grabbing me underneath the arms and pulling upwards. I tried to help by using my good arm to push myself, but I couldn't do much in my current condition. When I was upright, he released me and took a step back. "Hold on a sec. I have to go grab the gauze."

"M'kay," I replied, listening to his footsteps fade as he wandered into another room.

Sighing, I let my head fall back, resting against the wall behind me as I closed my eyes. Even now, I didn't understand why Matt was doing so much to help me; after all, the last time he'd seen me before today was the night I left him behind at Wammy's without any kind of warning. I hardly knew why I did it anymore; I guess it was just to avenge L's death and try and solve this case on my own. I had no choice but to leave Matt behind because I didn't want him to get hurt. For some reason that was far beyond me, he hardly even seemed to recall the incident, or he'd already forgiven me for it. The reason I'd never called him or visited him, even just to say hi, was because I knew I would begin to miss him far too much if I did. I couldn't let that kind of emotional interference impede on my ability or my will to solve this case. But this time, I was desperate, and I knew nearly everyone else would have turned on me…

"Alright, Mells," Matt said, making his way back over to me and taking his seat beside the bed once again. "This shouldn't take too long…"

He unrolled the gauze and carefully began wrapping it around my arm, working his way upwards.

Matt…I didn't understand him. I didn't understand how he could still be so kind to me after I left him without warning and refrained from talking to him for over four years. He still doesn't treat me any differently…but I guess it was his kindness that ultimately made me fall for him. That was something that couldn't be helped.

"Matt?" I questioned.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to thank you for all of this. Really, I would have been a goner if it weren't for you."

He chuckled lightly. "It's nothing. That's what friends are for."

I jumped slightly, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. Friends…just friends…and that's all we'll ever be, I assume…

"And…" I continued weakly, "and I was so terrible to you before. I'm surprised you'd even want to help me out now…"

"What do you—oh. It's all a part of the past now, Mello. There's nothing either one of us can do about it, so what point is there in dwelling upon it?" I could hear the hint of uncertainty in his voice, and I knew he was hiding something from me. "Besides, I couldn't just abandon you, could I?"

"Well…" I trailed off. "You could've…"

His soft laughter momentarily filled the room. "But I didn't. That's what matters." He cut the gauze and tucked it in to hold it in place. "There we go. You're all set." I felt his hand smooth down my hair, and I stiffened at the touch. "Does it hurt much?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Not much."

"That's good," he replied. "Now let's hope it heals fast." His hand dropped to the back of my neck, pulling me forward so his cheek was resting against mine in some sort of comforting gesture. My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat as I felt him breathing against my ear. As awkward as this contact was, it felt nice, and if only for a moment, I completely forgot about how much pain I was in. After no more than a few seconds, he pulled back, lightly ruffling my hair with his hand.

"I'll be right back, then. I'm going to get your chocolate," he told me.

"I—uh…okay…"

"If you get cold, there are a few extra blankets to your left. I'll be back in fifteen minutes tops, alright?"

I nodded – the only thing I was really capable of doing at the moment; I was in too much of a daze to form a coherent sentence. Moments later, I heard the front door open and close, his footsteps slowly fading down the hallway.

._-:*~*~*~*:-_.

Matt

I almost couldn't believe what had just happened; after four years of no contact, Mello suddenly calls me out of the blue and asks me to come help him. At first, I hadn't known what to think about it; part of me knew I should be mad at him for leaving me behind to fend for myself at that orphanage four years ago, but another part of me knew it was best to forgive him, which was exactly what I'd done. I attempted not to bring it up to him because I didn't want him to know how much that had really hurt me, but he'd brought up the subject anyway, if only for a second. Not wanting to bring forth the tribulations that lingered in our past, I just brushed off the topic and moved on. Mello had obviously been confused that I could let go of something that important so easily; but it was then that I had been thankful he couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes.

The truth is, when I heard of his absence, my entire world came to an end; shattered around me in billions and billions of incompetent pieces that no one but him could put back together. My heart broke too; I was thrown into an inexorable bout of depression that lasted for months. He was and still is my only friend; when he left me all those years ago, I all but lost the ability to do anything for myself. I hardly ate, I never left our room, I almost never slept, and thoughts of Mello clouded my head each second I was awake; I called several times a day, but he would never answer. In a certain sense of the word, I was already dead. My life had already stopped. The four years between then and now had been hell for me; I had no one, and I had thought about ending it myself countless times. Even though I should be mad, I couldn't possibly force myself to push him away again; I needed to stay with him, especially now.

But there was still one burning question in the back of my mind: once he's feeling better, will he leave me again?

I'd only just now been reunited with him after too many miserable years; there was no way I'd be able to let him go now that I'd finally found him again. My heart just couldn't handle watching him leave a second time; I would lose myself to my own despair once again, drowning under the inevitable regret of every word I'd left unsaid. Ultimately, that was what had nearly killed me once before; I've known for years exactly where my heart lies, but I always decided it would be better to keep my feelings to myself. There was no need to put any unnecessary burdens on anyone, especially Mello…which made me wonder: would I only be acting as an inconvenience to him by staying longer than he saw fit?

My mind was having an internal battle with itself. I love him too much to watch him leave me behind again, and just enough to let him go if that was what would make him happy.

What the hell was I supposed to do?

._-:*~*~*~*:-_.

Mello

I sat up in Matt's bed, my head buried in my arms that were wrapped feebly around my knees as I let myself cry almost soundlessly. To be honest, I wasn't completely sure why I was crying; I guess I was just overcome with too many different emotions at once, some of which I hadn't known I was ever capable of feeling. More than anything, I felt an imminent sense of remorse. Deep down, I wished I hadn't left Matt all those years ago, but at the time, it had seemed like my only option; worst of all, I hadn't even said goodbye to him. As much as I regretted that every single day of my life since then, I had done it for a reason. If I'd said my goodbyes, I probably would have ended up staying; it would have been too much for me to handle.

The same logic was behind the reason I'd never answered the phone when he called me, or even bothered to contact him in any way. If I had heard his voice, I knew it wouldn't take much more to send me right back to him, and I knew that kind of move would distract me too much from the case I had committed myself to. But now I was doing just that, and I would evidently pull Matt into this huge mess I'd gotten myself into. If anything, I needed to avoid that at all costs. The reason I'd left without him was because I didn't want him to get hurt, so letting him get involved now would only defy my original plan. In that case, it wouldn't make a difference whether or not I had taken him with me. I didn't want to think about that.

Matt was here to clean up after my reckless mistake and help me until I could take care of myself again. At least…that was what I'd planned. I hadn't thought everything through before I'd called him, but now there was no going back for either of us. I couldn't just walk out on him again; what kind of awful excuse for a friend would I be then? Besides, now that he was here, wouldn't it be nice to have a friend – someone I could trust – by my side once again? Just like back in our childhood years?

Honestly, I didn't know if I'd be able to go off on my own again after being reminded of how it felt having Matt with me. Even if he gave me the option, would I be able to do it?

…no. I couldn't. It was as simple as that.

My previously neglected feelings for him were brought to light once more, overshadowing my desire to continue with this case. I loved Matt more than L, or my aspiration to surpass Near and prove myself to him once and for all. I didn't need that. I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that Near would solve the case; I guess, regrettably, I would just have to trust him. But…was I really willing to give all of this up just to keep Matt safely by my side?

…yes.

There was so much I needed to talk to him about. I had to explain myself to him.

._-:*~*~*~*:-_.

Minutes later, I heard the door push open, and Matt's voice suddenly filled the room.

"I got your chocolate," he said, obviously attempting to sound cheerful to try and lighten the mood. "Do you want some now or should I put it away?"

I wiped my good eye carefully, then nodded my head. "I'll have one now."

"Alright," he said, his answer followed by the crinkling of a plastic bag. Footsteps drew closer to the bed, and I listened quietly as the wrapping was torn.

Even now, I could feel that something in the room just wasn't right; the atmosphere was dark and gloomy, just as it had been before Matt had left. As I suspected earlier, I was sure he was going through more than he was letting me know. Was he just worried about something that he didn't see fit to inform me about? Was he hiding something? …I wanted to ask, but would he get mad at me if it was something personal?

"Here you go," his voice interrupted me from my thoughts, and he prodded the candy bar into my hand, which I accepted gratefully.

"Thank you." I paused a moment, before bringing it up to my mouth and biting into it, the accustomed flavor staining my taste buds.

"No problem. I'm gonna go put these away; be right back," he told me, before stepping back and walking towards what I assumed would have been the kitchen.

I could plainly understand the feelings he was hiding behind those seemingly untroubled words; in fact, I was hardly listening to what he was saying at all. My mind was too preoccupied with the fact that Matt's distress might have been entirely my fault. Was it because…he really didn't want to help me? Was I only bothering him? I'd like to think not, since I was sure he would have told me somehow, or wouldn't have rescued me at all to begin with. Maybe he just did it to avoid having to carry the guilt on his shoulders; he didn't want to go through his life knowing he had blatantly let someone die after he was given the opportunity to help them.

I sighed. Was he really only doing this out of guilt?

"Matt," I called out. He stopped.

"Yeah, Mells?" his gentle voice drifted from across the room.

Now would be as good of a time as any to talk to him. Before giving myself even a moment to regret my words, I spoke up. "What's wrong?" I asked him, my voice sounding dreadfully irresolute. The lump in my throat was already forming once again.

The room was dead silent for a moment, and I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. While I was deliberating over whether or not I should have actually asked him, he responded, all but laughing it off. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." I could plainly hear his voice break near the end, and he promptly covered it up with a cough.

I sighed, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my chin against them, my eyes shut in a weak attempt to try and stop my tears from falling. "No, Matt. You're not. I'm not that shallow," I informed him, fighting to keep my voice even. "I guess being blind can have its advantages. All of my other senses have been heightened. I don't have to rely on my sight to tell me what's going on around me. I can only listen and feel…and I know there's something you're not telling me," I finished.

A prolonged silence fell over us once again, and instead of saying anything else, I waited patiently for Matt's reply. His quietness only told me one thing: my inference was spot on.

After what seemed like hours but couldn't have been any longer than a couple minutes, I heard the plastic bag he had been carrying drop noisily to the floor. Matt sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled lengthily, pausing a moment before walking back over to where I was. My face heated up, and I quickly turned away from him so he couldn't see it.

What was he doing? Why wasn't he saying anything? My mind was racing, clouding over with so many different emotions that I could hardly even process at the moment. Above them all was concern, overshadowed by my own repentance. For a moment, my first thought was that I had made Matt angry by intruding on something that could have been completely personal, but the atmosphere didn't feel ireful at all. It felt…sad.

Just when the quiet was being drawn out far too long, Matt spoke up. "What's with this all of a sudden?" I could hear the evident hurt in his voice; now that I knew, he had no reason to try and keep up his resilient façade.

I bit my lip. "I…I'm…if I'm really that much of a bother to you, you don't have to stick around. Um…I can just go—"

"No," Matt interrupted me before I could even finish what I was saying. "That's not—" his voice stopped abruptly, and he sighed. "That's not it at all, Mello. I've only just now found you again and I couldn't possibly—" he cut himself off once again, drawing in a quick breath. "I've said too much…"

I gasped, my head shooting up and turning towards him, until I remembered I couldn't see. For a moment, I just let those words sink in; earlier, he'd merely brushed off the topic of me leaving him at Wammy's…was that really what had been troubling after all? Had it hurt him more than he felt necessary to let me know?

My head sunk down again, burying itself in my arms wrapped firmly around my knees. So I had done this to him…it was my fault, like I had feared. Thinking back to it now, I couldn't even imagine how I could go and do something so heartless; we were all each other had back then, and I left him behind without a second thought. How must that have made him feel?

"Matt…" I whispered. "I'm sorry…"

"You're—no, Mells. I shouldn't have brought it up. Just forget about it."

As the tears stung in my eyes, I wanted nothing more than to pull him into my arms and hold him at that moment. But I couldn't. "Stop doing that," I demanded. "I know I hurt you. I know that, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever left; that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If I could take that back, I would, but I can't. I just hope that you—"

"Mello?" he questioned, stopping me before I could continue. "Where is this coming from? This doesn't sound like the Mello I used to know…"

I squeezed my eyes shut, the tears threatening to spill over at any moment. I'm not the Mello he used to know…

Matt

Muddled, I stared at the wounded blonde huddled up on my bed, wishing there was something I could do to ease his anxiety. Back when I had attended Wammy's with him, he'd always been so impassive when it came to feeling; he kept everything bottled up inside, and that was the reason he'd always been so short tempered. The only time he ever showed these kinds of emotions was when L had died; he'd been curled up in bed sobbing for hours on end. Sadly enough, that was really the last time I'd seen him before he left the orphanage.

To be honest, I missed the old Mello. I missed the irritable, quick tempered, rebellious, and often vehement blonde teenager that I had somehow grown to love so much. Not that these feelings have been altered in the slightest, even over all these years, I just wondered why he was like this. Well…maybe it could be the fact that he had nearly died earlier, but he wasn't bringing that up at all; if it were bothering him that much, he would at least talk about it, I assumed. Whatever it was that was upsetting him, I was determined to find out; I could save my own problems for later.

Why did he keep apologizing for leaving me behind at Wammy's though? Surely, that couldn't be what was bothering him. He would have never left in the first place if he knew he would regret it…right? Or…maybe he thought it was a good idea at the time?

I sighed. Why was it bothering him so much? It wasn't like someone else had made the decision for him; he had done it entirely of his own accord. It was his choice, and as much as his departure had shattered me then – and even hurt me now – I couldn't let him know that. It would only make things worse for him. But I'd already let my words slip by mistake; he knew what I was thinking, so it couldn't hurt by this point to talk about it…could it?

Hesitantly, I reached forward and rested a gentle hand on Mello's shoulder, feeling him stiffen at the sudden contact. "Mells, I'm not entirely sure where this came from all of a sudden, but I think you should just—" I cut myself off suddenly, and drew in a quick gasp as I felt him start trembling underneath my hand. For a moment, I just stared at him, trying to understand what was wrong. When I spoke next, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Mello?" I forced out. "Are you crying?"

He drew his arms tighter around himself, leaning away from me slightly. "Shut up," he whispered. "I'm not crying. I don't fucking cry."

"Mells…" I muttered. "Everyone cries at some point or another." As I was speaking and trying to keep my voice steady, I could feel the lump forming in my throat; I could feel my heart shattering just watching him like this. "Now it's my turn to ask. What's wrong?"

He shook his head, still refusing to look up at me. "I shouldn't have ever left the orphanage without you. You even said it just now. You admitted that I hurt you—" his voice cracked, and he sniffed, before continuing. "I…I don't understand why I did it…I thought it was my only option at the time. But…I shouldn't have done it. I should have stayed."

"…you know I would have gone with you if you'd asked," I offered, stroking his back comfortingly.

"That's just the thing, Matt!" came his sudden outburst. "I couldn't tell you I was leaving because I knew you'd ask to come along! I—" he paused, lowering his voice. "I didn't want you to come. I mean—I did, but…I knew you would get hurt if you came with me. I didn't want to risk your life." His tone dropped just above a whisper as he muttered the last words.

I sighed, my vision blurring over with the tears I was trying so desperately to hold back. "But you had no problem putting your own life on the line…"

"I had to avenge L…" he muttered. "I had to beat Near…and prove that I was number one. I—that was all that mattered to me then…"

My hand paused on his back as I listened to him speak. Each word just broke my heart more and more; I'd never seen him acting so helplessly – that wasn't like Mello at all. What had happened during the four years that I hadn't spoken to him? Where was the tough, loudmouthed Mello I had grown up with?

"But now there's something more important to me…" he whispered, pulling me back into reality. "He—it means more to me than this case, or beating Near. I want to give that all up, but I don't want to be perceived as a quitter…"

I'd caught his slip-up. Who was he?

"What are you talking about?" I asked, my hand falling from his back. "I know you're no quitter, Mells. You have the right to do whatever makes you happy. Does it really matter what anyone else thinks? Since when did you ever take that to heart?"

His shoulders slumped, and his voice was frail and depleted when he spoke up next. "…I know. Now tell me, are you upset because I left?"

I gasped, frozen to the spot. How was I supposed to answer that? If I told him the truth, I already knew it would just make everything worse for him, as if he didn't already feel bad enough. But I felt no need to lie to him, either. Besides, that wasn't the only thing causing my uneasiness; it was partially the fact that he never bothered to contact me until now, and partially because of my hidden – and most likely unrequited – feelings for him. I was also terrified that he would leave me once again after this is all over. But how could I tell him all of that?

I swallowed hard, folding my hands in my lap. He was being entirely honest with me, so what reason did I have not to do the same?

After I took a moment to prepare myself and put my words together, I began. "It's…it's not just the fact that you left…" I paused. "I just wish you'd talked to me at least once during those four years. I'll be honest, that was hell for me, Mello. Now I'm just worried you'll leave again. I don't want you to. You're still the only real friend I've ever had…I was just tired of being lonely all the time." I tried to keep it short to avoid revealing too much, but I made sure to stay completely honest.

Mello sniffed. "I'm sorry," he apologized again. "I couldn't call you…"

My head shot up, and I stared at him, confusion written across my face. "Why not?"

He pulled his knees in closer to his chest, tilting his head further away from me. "If I talked to you…I knew I would want to go back. I guess I hoped that by trying to forget about you, it would be easier to deal with life on my own…but it wasn't. I still missed you…"

"Mello…"

His entire body tensed noticeably. "I still missed you…" he repeated, his voice raising. "Even though I tried to let it go, I still couldn't! Why was that so hard? It's not like I could just go back after I'd committed myself entirely to this case! That isn't me, either. I just wish things weren't so damn complicated for me! I wanted to go back! Even after all these years, Matt, I still lo—" he drew in a quick breath, stopping himself mid-sentence. "I still…I…forget it…"

"What?" I asked, perplexed. "You still what?"

"Never mind."

I wasn't quite sure what came over me next; my body moved before I even had time to process everything that was going on. Swiftly, I pushed myself out of the chair and put one knee on the edge of the bed, leaning over and pulling him into a tight embrace, making sure to be careful of his wound. It was then that my tears finally escaped; I loved this man, and I didn't want to hide it anymore.

"It's okay," I whispered, burying my head in his shoulder.

Mello

My entire body froze; I've been waiting so many years for him to hold me like this, and now he finally had. As happy as I should have been right then, it hurt when I remembered that he was only doing it to try and comfort me. These harbored feelings would never be returned.

Slowly, I reached up and lightly grabbed one of his arms, leaning into him ever-so-slightly. I was already well aware that the way I was acting was completely out of character for me. I shouldn't have been crying, but after being reunited with the person you love after four miserable years, along with the fact that they don't feel the same way for you because he is obviously the same gender as you, it's going to be a bit emotional.

"Matt…" I muttered almost inaudibly.

His arms – wrapped securely around my waist – tightened as he pulled himself closer to me. "Why are you crying?" he asked weakly.

I squeezed my eyes shut, then turned myself around in his arms to return his embrace and bury my head in his shoulder.

He gasped, and I felt him retract ever-so-slightly. "Be careful, Mells," he warned.

I ignored him, tightening my hold on him and leaning forward. "I missed you," I murmured, my voice breaking near the end. This very moment seemed to make up for every year I had to go without speaking to him, it outshone the regret I still held in the enclosed depths of my mind. Suddenly, none of that mattered. He was here with me right now, wrapped securely in my arms, and that was all I found to be important. I wasn't ever going to leave him again.

Carefully, Matt pulled himself away from me, unlinking my arms from behind his neck and slowly bringing them down to rest in my lap. "…I missed you, too…" he whispered. "Mihael…"

Suddenly, I felt a hand gently but firmly pressing against my chest, slowly lowering me down to the bed. The first thought that crossed my mind was panic, although I wasn't sure why; I knew I could trust him…

"Matt…" I muttered. His other hand found its way to my back, delicately guiding me down until I lay flat against the mattress. "What are you—"

"I'm sorry, Mello," his voice cut me off.

Before I had time to reply or ask any of the hundred questions floating around in my mind, I felt something warm pressing against my mouth, and all of my senses dropped. Every coherent thought immediately left my mind, leaving me in a state of total confusion as I lied there beneath him, completely mystified. This was almost too good to be true; I really feared that I was going to wake up at any moment, and I was idyllically reassured when I never did.

Matt was kissing me. At the moment, that was all that I could put through my mind, until reality came crashing down on me once again. Almost without thinking, I yanked my head away from him, instantly regretting it. But I wanted to know why he had done it; if he wasn't going to kiss me out of love, then I'd rather him not kiss me at all, no matter how great it felt.

For a moment, I didn't move, just trying to let everything sink in. Matt stayed still as well; the only sound in the room was our elevated breathing, until I spoke up. "What…what was that for?" I asked, my voice sounding dazed.

"I love you, Mello," he responded, resting a hand gently against my forearm that laid limply over my chest.

I jumped at those words, my mind frantically trying to process everything that I was hearing and feeling. I was too new to this; I'd never been loved before – at least, I'd never been told. But how did he mean it? Did he love me as a friend or did he mean it differently…? But…he kissed me. That had to mean something, right?

I love you, too… I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't even put my thoughts into words right now. "Matt…you're a guy…and I'm a guy…"

"I don't care," he whispered, his voice cracking harshly. I could already tell he was crying. "I know what we are…I just don't care…"

That had been the only thing coming in between me and telling him how I felt. I didn't know how he would handle the fact that I was a guy. Of course, that had never stopped me from loving him, and now that I knew he felt the same…I couldn't be happier.

"If you don't…" I trailed off, raising my hand up and spreading it out between us. Matt seemed to understand and carefully took a hold of it, our fingers interlocking. "Then I don't either," I finished, gently pulling him down.

His lips collided with mine again, sending my mind whirling and my heart beating out of my chest once more. I could plainly sense Matt's uncertainty, so I reached up with one hand and laid it delicately across his back, drawing him closer to me as some sign of reassurance. He used his elbow to hold himself above me as his fingers found my cheek, carefully caressing the skin that remained unscathed. I pushed my chin forward slightly, pressing our lips closer together as I gently trailed my hand up his spine to rest on the back of his head, burying my fingers in his soft hair.

Just then, I felt a warm drop fall onto my cheek and I froze for a moment. He's still crying…

I brought my hand down to cup his face, and pulled away from the kiss, still holding him close enough to feel his tepid breath lingering on my chin. For the longest time, both of us stayed completely still; I took a few moments just to try take ahold of all these emotions I'd never felt before. Feelings that were only just now becoming apparent to me. Even though I'd never really been loved before, and probably hardly had a grasp on what it was, I knew this was the real thing. If this wasn't love, then what else could it have been?

"Matt?" I whispered, stroking his cheek lightly with my thumb.

"Hm?" he muttered in reply, swiftly kissing the tip of my nose.

"I…I love you, too." My voice trembled slightly, as if even now, I was almost too embarrassed to say it. I guess it was just the unfamiliarity of the phrase; that was the first time I'd ever said something like that to anyone.

His answer came in the form of another kiss; just a feather-like touching of our lips that was hardly felt by the touch, but felt by the heart. It was no longer the overly poignant and hurried kiss of two covertly enamored best friends reuniting after years apart; instead, it was the tender, amorous kiss of two people in love. I never wanted it to end.

For the rest of the night, we lied beside each other in silence, wrapped in each other's arms and immersed in the virtuous spectacle of our newfound love.

So that was a little different from what I usually write xD I wrote it specifically to try and capture the more sentimental side of their relationship, so I hope it wasn't a miserable fail :S but PLEEEEEASE review and tell me what you did or did not like about it :D there will be a part two posted within the next couple weeks here about when Mello gets his sight back, though it won't be nearly this long. I didn't even mean for this one to come out this long, but whatever xD

~Akina-chan :3