Call me a sinner, call me a saint;
There's something wrong. With me. I can feel it. I can't help it. Maybe there is a "murder gene" in my system, despite what Grissom may think. I thought getting away from my past would be enough to get rid of it. I was wrong. I thought choosing Grissom over my past would be enough to cure me. I was wrong. Now, sitting on the kitchen floor, I realize I'm usually wrong in my decisions outside of the lab. And that's okay, because as I slowly pull myself up to my feet, I realize I'm not at work, and there's something I know I'll be right about; getting intoxicated beyond belief will make me feel better. I grin as I pull my favorite brand out of the fridge. Feeling rebellious,I pull on the tab and hear the can open with a pop, and then chug down half the can. I grin even wider as I know the alcohol will work its magic soon.
I'm not sure what the time is now. All I know is, is that I'm surrounded by beer cans in my living room, and lying on the couch.
"What happened?" I murmur as I sit up slowly, wondering what could have possibly woken me up out of my hangover.
Then I hear furious pounding on the front door. And I realize what had finally woken me up.
"Is the door unlocked?" I shout loud enough to whoever was at the door, and quietenough to not trigger my headache.
"Yes, Sara." A voice answers, and it sounds so familiar, but I am still completely out of it.
"Then come in, if you want." I lay back down onto the couch.
I can barely make out footsteps; they are so light, and it sounds like the caller is being very considerate to not make my head hurt no more than it should. I pull my jacket on tighter, and try very hard to ignore my caller. Especially when the strong, yet extremely soft, hands start to nudge my shoulder to wake me up. That makes me kind of mad. And I intend to tell this person exactly that.
And to my horror, although physically I couldn't really express any emotion; I grumble incoherently. Lovely.
"What did you say, Sara?" He -I could decipher that much by now- asks me.
And I repeat myself. It seems as though I was only being clear to myself. Damn.
"Sara… It's Grissom. You do know who you're talking to, right?" He asks softly, breaking through the fog in my head.
Oh. Crap. I had no idea. And now I do. Perfect timing. I sit up slowly, hoping he won't think I am having a hangover. I scoot over to let him sit on the couch with me.
"Sara," He was examining me carefully, "Were you drinking?" He asks me accusingly with hurt so obvious in his voice.
"Are you going to call me a sinner, Gil? Or did you think I was some sort of saint?" I ask bitterly; sarcastically.
Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same;
"Neither Sara. But I need to ask. Why? What hurt you so badly to resort to this?" He inquires.
I swallow hard. I never expected this from him. And I have no intentions to answer him. So, how exactly was I going to answer him? The ignorant route.
"I have no idea what you're talking about Grissom!" I shout as loud as I can without hurting my own head. I slump down into the pillows so he couldn't tell I was lying flat out to him and ripping my own heart out.
"Sara. Don't lie to me." He pleads in that voice he knew I can't resist. Damn him.
"Maybe I am…" I groan with reluctance. Something bad is coming. I know it is.
"Sara… I don't know if we can do this anymore." He whispers with pain.
"What?" I ask, because I refuse to even process what Grissom just said.
"I said, I don't know if we can be in a relationship right now." He says a tad bit louder.
And it finally sinks in. And I break down. Swift and sharp.
My lungs burn because I can't get enough air. I don't feel warm, shards of ice attack my body from every direction. I'm trying to talk, to hide my pain, but I can't. My shields are gone. Out of nowhere, a pair of strong arms wrap around me, holding me together. I welcome it, and I find every comfort I can with it.
"Sara… It's over." He murmurs. And through all of this, I can feel a different cold sliding down my back. He's crying. He's crying over this.
"I still love you, Grissom." I cry into his shoulder. But he refuses to hear it.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst;
I can't tell if time is passing anymore. I don't care. All I know, is that the only way I can still semi-breathe is being curled into a ball, pressing the gaping hole together so it won't hurt as much. But it doesn't help me much.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
I hear my phone ringing, somewhere close by. But I don't want to answer. So of course my body betrays me. And I flip it open. Preparing for the worst.
"Hello." My voice croaks so horribly. I hope whoever this is, will know it's me.
"Sara? Where are you? It's been six days since we last saw you. What happened?" I still can't tell who this is.
"Who is this?" I ask.
"Sara? It's Gil…" He answers softly, preparing himself for yelling from me.
"Oh God. Can't someone cover my shift?" I plead, hoping he would understand, but knowing full hope with him isn't existent.
"We all have for the past six days. We're exhausted. Do you want me to come pick you up? I'll drive you home too." He offers with such sweetness, that I can almost ignore the hole in my heart.
"Sure!" I exclaim.
I hang up without saying goodbye, and run through my apartment to my bedroom. And stop instantly. I knew there was a reason why I had been residing in the living room. My room isn't decorated; white walls, plain bedding, and no personality… Except for the multiple photographs still taped to the walls. His smiles are surrounding me with warmth and love. I'm suffocating. I quickly grab a black blouse, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. And run out of the room without another glance. I yank my old clothes off, and quickly put on the new ones. After that, I rush out of my apartment, and lock the door, just to sit out in the hall to wait for Grissom.
Minutes later, I suppose, I hear him walking up the hall towards me. And I start crying. I don't want him to know, but he keeps coming closer. I'm gasping, and I can't stop it. He kneels next to me, and tilts my chin up, forcing me to look into his eyes.
"Sara? What happened?" He asks, confused.
"Nothing." I whisper. It's a lie. He's what happened. And I still love him. And I shouldn't.
I'm sure he can tell. But he won't acknowledge it, because, despite the cold exterior, he's quite warm and caring and hurt just as much as me. Silently, he offers his hands to help me off of the ground and I take them. Slipping into denial, I pretend everything is normal between us. He lets go of my hands, but I can remember…
He's holding my hand and smiling into my eyes. He has this hallway so memorized that he no longer needs to have his eyes focused forward to get out of it. And it just proves how good we belong together. I grin back at him, hopping with excitement. He outright laughs at me, and I feel the need to join in with him; so I do. We reach the end of the hallway, and he presses the down button. And I can't hold back my overwhelming love much longer; so I stand on the tips of my toes and press my lips to his. He melts beneath my lips like ice and gives in with me. We know we won't be able to last through work today now that we've ignited our chemistry, but we continue to risk it. His tongue opens my mouth and gains dominance quickly. Ding! We break apart, gasping for air. We smirk at each other, knowing how the other is affected. I go over to him, and lean my head against his shoulder, smiling. Nothing could be more perfect.
'Sara? Sara!" Grissom yells through my memory. I blink, and realize we're already inside the elevator.
"Grissom, I'm fine." I struggle for air, which has been taken away by the past.
"Right." He answers sarcastically, still knowing the small details about me.
And when the elevator "dings" once again on the lobby floor, we walk out of the building to his Denali. He doesn't offer to open the door like a perfect gentleman; like when we were dating, for obvious reasons. And to be honest, I miss it so much. Not the actions every man should possess, but his love for me. I start to cry again. But this time, it isn't the kind of sobs where I'm fighting for my breath, but light tears acknowledging the loss of his love.
His hands are suddenly rubbing comforting circles along my back, helping me as best he can. And I cry a little bit harder, just because it feels so good to have his touch on me.
"What are we doing?" I ask through my tears.
I guess we've been driving this whole time, because we're in the parking lot of the lab.
"Going to work?" He asks back because it's the obvious thing.
I laugh involuntary through the small sobs coming through my throat.
"I meant about us. I still love you." I admit painfully.
"Sara, I love you too. And you're my favorite person in my life." He whispers. Oh no. I can feel a "but" coming here. I need to know, though.
"But what, Gil?" I question, because he wants me to ask him; to pressure him into being truthful.
"But you have the worst ways to deal with your pain." He tells me while facing the window.
"So you call me your favorite and then call me the worst?" I struggle to understand and continue to sob. I'm escalating to the chest-wracking sobs, and I'm losing all sense of comprehension and common sense. I lean back into his front seat and let unconsciousness over power me.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt;
"Sara…" Someone said from above me.
To be honest, I really don't care right now. The world has finally just stopped hurting, and I don't want to come back to it. So, even though I should be responding to the person above me, I won't. I'll stay here in the comforting black for as long as I can, ignoring the world.
"Doc, how long is she going to be unconscious?" Someone asks worriedly, breaking through my peaceful sleep. I don't dare try to make my memory useful. Because if I do, then I'll remember why I blacked out, and… Nothing. I'm just relaxing in my peaceful world.
"Not for much longer, Gil," Someone else answers calmly.
Why does "Gil" sound so familiar? Oh. Right. And then a sharp pain breaks through the peace. It's that memory I refuse to relive here. So I'll just continue to act asleep and listen in on their conversation.
"What happened, Gil?" The second voice asks Grissom.
"I picked Sara up at her place to take her to work. We, we weren't getting along that well. She's been dealing with… Well. I don't want to explain that. But, we had just pulled up here and she wanted to deal with the problem… And I just wasn't thinking, so I said something that hurt her badly. Then she just leaned back into the seat. I tried to wake her up, but I couldn't." Grissom sounds like he's crying as he explains to Doc.
"Gil, you can't blame yourself for her blacking out. If she went through all that in a few days, she hadn't truly gotten over the initial shock she received. This is what Sara needs to heal her mind." Doc is consoling Grissom? What? This isn't happening. And, once again, I drift off into my perfect haven of darkness.
This time, when I find my way back towards consciousness, someone's holding my hand. It's such a relief to feel human contact after so long without it. I feel so happy right now. So I spring up, keeping a good grip on the hand in my grasp. Oh, wait. Too much light; the room is spinning. I lay back down just as fast, closing my eyes along the way.
And the person next to me, is chuckling.
My response is a long groan.
"Sara. You should've known better!" Whoever this is, keeps laughing at me.
"Should've. Obviously didn't." I murmur through my dizziness.
A soft hand lightly touches my cheek and unknowingly I lean into it, pretending that nothing had happened. "You know you've been unconscious for at least three hours. Right?" The sweet, familiar voice whispers to me. I flinch immediately away from the hand knowing full well who it is now. I can't help it; I start to cry because my hurt is too overwhelming at this moment. I open my eyes while crying to see Grissom in just as much pain as I am. But I'm the only one who could see that. I smile sadly at Gil, my beloved, and know what has to happen now.
"Gil, just tell me it's over. I don't want you to hurt." I whisper to him, as I close my eyes.
I open my eyes to see Gil staring at me, with his mouth open. He's shocked. I can tell. My heart is breaking in two, and the last six days suddenly seem like child's play compared to this. And now my heart, and mind, are now begging me to go home and pull out the alcohol to compensate for the heartbreak residing in my chest.
"Sara…" He pauses, to search for something, anything to say. But we both know that there is nothing left for either of us to say.
It's all that I can say. So I'll be on my way;
"I love you." It's all that I can say to him. "I'll be on my way." I say, while getting off of the couch I've been lying on. I give him one last look, and see the tears start to form in his eyes. But I can't let my heart win, it's already much too broken for him to even consider fixing.
But I love him and I walk out of Doc's office, out of the hallway… Out of Gil Grissom's life. And it's killing me. But the minute I get home, I'll drown my sorrows with alcohol.
A/N: Very first fanfic & songfic right here. I like it. I dunno if any of you do, but I can hope. :) Lemme know what you think!