Author's Note:

First time writing for Glee. This is very AU, but I was kind of obsessed after I watched Skyfall and I couldn't resist the idea of Blaine in a tux with a British Accent. Enjoy.

Kurt,

I don't know exactly when you'll find this letter, but this is going to be the first and only thing you'll find when you start looking for me. (So if you wont' bother looking for me, then you won't be reading this letter at all, and as much as that pains me, I can't say I blame you. However, since you are reading this, let me just say how moved I am that you cared enough to look).

Right now, it's just past New Years, 2013 if you aren't sure which one I'm talking about. I won't be heading back to McKinley, (or Ohio, for that matter) in the Spring; I doubt you'll ever see me again. This is my goodbye. I was going to explain the entire thing to you over Christmas, but I was so happy with you and you were so happy with your dad, and I really didn't want to spoil it. So this letter will have to make-do.

I feel like you deserve to know the truth, and I want to you to know so you'd understand. I'm not expecting forgiveness based on just this. In fact, after you read this, you might have even better reasons to hate me. I just want you to understand so even if you hate me, I want it to be for the right reasons, because you deserve to be in the right, Kurt, and you deserve the truth.

Have you ever noticed that somethings in Lima didn't make sense? The Cheerio's extravagant equipment, the blind eye turned to bullying and drug dealing, slushie machine in a school, my absent parents? Did you ever wonder who I was before I met you, Kurt?

I guess I'll start with easy questions – you've never met my parents because my father is in England and my mother died when I was four. She died in a plane crash and my father shut himself up in his work. He never really treated me like a child after her death, much less like his son. The only time he ever tried was to build that car with me after I came out to him. I never talked about Mum's death because I honestly don't remember that much about her, and it would be hard to avoid talking about Father if I bring my family up.

I was living alone in America. Technically, Cooper was my guardian, but you saw how often he came around. I have a house to myself, but I didn't stay there much when I was boarding at Dalton.

That was the only question with an relatively easy answer to. Everything else is... let's see if I could say it simply without breaking too many protocols.

Lima is messed up because that town is really a base to a top-secret CIA operation years in the running. Yes, I'm serious. The CIA chose Lima because it was small enough that most people would never think to look there, and the CIA believed Lima was geographically close to the HQ of the crime cartel it is fighting.

When McKinley was renovated a few years ago, someone shoved a lot of the communication hardware into the school, the slushie machine is just one of many dummies used to explain away the ridiculous power bill McKinley is racking up, and I bet the machine itself actually has some other use.

I think at least both Figgins and Sylvester are involved with the CIA operation; they worked hard to keep things under wraps. The Cheerios, jock cliques, and bullying in the school created a lot of tension in the student body, and distracted everyone from noticing things like how we have three times the normal amount of sprinkles and smoke detectors in the building, and that most of those are CCTV and infra-red cameras. Figgins wanted to squash the Glee Club because combined with the Cheerios, its competition records might bring a bit too much attention to the school. The CIA poured the support for an entire operation into Lima because it was small, obscure place, and Figgins wanted to keep it that way. I'm also pretty sure Shelby Cochran was one of them, too; she came and went at some interesting times.

Sandy Ryerson's little drug business on the side is not a secret. No one touched him because he was getting his stuff from the big guys – the group the CIA is after. Ryerson himself probably has no idea, though, but he is the CIA's only lead.

Anyways, as it turns out, the CIA's hunch was right all long. The cartel is based in Lima. Now, how do I know and why am I telling you this? And here's the answer to the hardest question: who was I before you met me?

Unfortunately, there's too much legal and national security issues at stake for me answer that directly, but I think I gave you enough for you to start guessing. (Hint 1: England. Hint 2: CIA) Let's just say I used to be in the same career track, on the side of the law, of course.

I was in a special program. I had been in training since I was seven, back home in England. We dealt with a similar case, and it turned out badly. Our team leader and one of my teammates died. That was about three years ago. I couldn't bear to stay afterwards, and begged my Father to let me go on a "long vacation" away from it all. He has quite a bit of influence with my bosses, and since people actually died, I guilted him into thinking that it was for my safety, and he went along with it. I was promised a break from all that at least until college, so I was pretty relaxed Dalton - I found out I could sing and I joined the Warblers.

I was with them for almost a year before you came over. When I met you, I was really happy that I could help someone without using skills I learned from them. I did go to school before, Kurt, and the stories I told you about my old school were real, even though until I met you, I never considered that sharing those experiences could be as helpful to people as the other things I did.

I was so happy to have been with you, Kurt. Before you came along, I was pretending that I left the past behind, but with you, I really couldn't care less about what happened. I was living in the moment again, and they were good moments. I have always known that I couldn't have a future with you, because I'd have to go back eventually. In a way, I suppose I was leading you on – especially after we got together. I have to apologize for that. But I couldn't resist. I wanted it to be real so much. It hurt like hell every night after you leave and I have to confront the fact that what we were had an expiration date to it.

I know we weren't together for the most of the time when we were both at Dalton, but that was when I realized you helped me moved on. I was scared to fall in love with you, because I knew it wouldn't last – because Blaine Anderson, the boy you know, won't last. The life I had in Ohio was temporary, and you were just good enough to make me wish and pretend that it wasn't.

Remember Jeremiah from The Gap? He looked almost exactly like my team leader Chris. If there ever was a reminder of my worst memories, it was Jeremiah. Chris was two years older and he was obsessed with Gap clothing, but I crushed hard on him when I was fourteen. It kind of ended at a bad place with his death. I know the Gap Attack really upset you (and most of the Warblers, actually – apparently they all thought I was going to sing to you.) But I thought if I was with Jeremiah, I would forget you, and better yet, I wouldn't forget the future I have waiting for me.

I meant what I said when I told you I cared about you that Valentine's Day. I didn't want to have something special with you, then leave you hanging one day, like I am doing now. I dated Rachel hoping to drive you away; I thought it would be easier if our relationship becomes one-sided. Then I put a stop to it, because I saw that it was hurting you, and it was hurting me too.

I suppose in a way, telling you about my feelings was the most selfish thing I had ever done. I knew I couldn't make good of my promises of "forever" and "honesty," but I was too wrapped up in the moment. I told you, with you, I pretend that moment we shared was all there is. I thought even if it was for a few years, it would be better if we were both happy during that time, then it would be worth it, right? People always said it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I hope you think they are right, Kurt. Because if you don't, then... well, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. There's nothing else I can say that this point.

And then, I'm sorry our relationship couldn't be just normal. I thought we could be, because you were the first and only person who made me feel like the present was more significant, by far, than my past. But ironically, actually dating you and following you to Lima was a roundabout way of rushing head first back into the same debacle that made me leave England in the first place.

Funny, close as I was in Westerville, I never realized there was so much going wrong two hours away in Lima. I had a few hunches when I first went over to McKinley to help you confront Karofsky, but I knew something was wrong for sure when I saw... well, do you remember Abby Crofton, one of the Cheerio who isn't on the pyramid? Remember she "transferred out of state" a few weeks after Christmas Break during your senior year? Yeah, well, after everything else I just told you, you can guess why I brought her up and what happened to her.

Her name was Macy Wesley; we used the work together a lot. When I saw her (that was before you transferred back to McKinley), I realized that my last case was never closed, and was related to what was happening in Lima. I thought about the dangers lurking around in Lima, and that was a huge part of why I transferred to McKinley – I wanted to protect you; I wanted to keep you safe. I thought you would be better off if you had me. My dad was kind of worried about the transfer, but my old boss liked the move because he thought it would be a good transition to help me back into the action.

That was good timing on my part, apparently. It was a pretty eventful year. Let's just say the congressman who had the office before your dad didn't die of natural causes. It was a mess. Even the Mafia didn't dare to take that cartel head-on; remember how Al Motta found an excuse to bring in Shelby Cochran? The Mafia had to cooperate with the CIA after they found out the Cartel dared to kill a congressman.

Cochran was replaced by someone else rather quickly – I knew she wanted to leave and get Beth away before any potential confrontation happened. She had a really good cover: an artist and a mother; if Macy didn't tell me, I wouldn't have guessed. Artists being spies isn't uncommon, but you don't want a family member involved. I don't think she wanted to be there in the first place, but it was really tense during those days. I was so glad your dad had a pro-arts platform rather than anything law-enforcement related, or else he might have gone the same way as his predecessor.

Then there's Sebastian, who was sent in around the same time as Cochran. He was sent by my boss. To be honest, they sent him to recruit me back into the field; they thought we could be partners and work together. He threw that slushie to hurt you for professional purposes as much as personal spite. He knew you were the biggest thing keeping me on my "vacation," and he thought if you were out of the picture long enough for him to show me how bad things were getting with the CIA and the Cartel, I would be compelled to go back for "the greater good". Oh I knew he never wanted to hurt me - I'm no good in the field if I was blind. But I find him pretty unforgivable for thinking I would just leave with him and not care that he tried to blind to you. I never bothered to press charges because I knew he had the power to just make it disappear later. He is a jerk though, I have no doubt, but I heard that he was one of the best guys on the field.

Rory came from the same organization and Sebastian and me. The CIA was getting desperate those few months, but Rory's placement was not subtle at all. A last-minute exchange student was too conspicuous. He was in a lot of danger, and they came up with a ruse to pull him out quickly after Macy died. After that though, there was sort of a forced calm because neither sides dared to do anything, because any move to follow up that mess would have raised hell.

Cooper (who really is my brother, by the way) only came in to check up on things. Yes, he works for my old boss, too. Now is also a good place to clarify that we didn't use our real names.

My favorite part about your being in New York was your being away from Lima. Yes, I hated the distance between us, but the situation is deteriorating fast and I think the cartel is not even pretending to be inactive anymore.

You asked who I was with when I cheated on you. He called himself Eli. I knew he worked for the other side. I was lonely, and with you gone I had nothing to distract me from the mess in Lima. After Macy died, I was contacted a lot, and I did help out here and there. I chatted Eli up because I knew that he knew things, and he never suspected me. Unlike Sebastian and Rory, I had been in the area long before the Cartel was too active in Lima and caused that influx of agents. I'm so, so, sorry. I knew you probably don't want to hear anymore, but he left a lot of stuff lying around in his house, good clues that really helped.

I reported that in later. My boss had been pressuring me to return ever since Macy's death, and when I went to them with the stuff I got from Eli, they pretty much didn't let me leave until I sign a contract. Sebastian asked Hunter to recruit me to the Warblers so I had an excuse to work in Ohio. He thought I would have wanted to stay where I met you and see this case to the end there. I do want to see this case to the end - I lost all my teammates to it, but I realized I couldn't stay because it hurt so much to stay so close to where we were together.

I thought I was never going to hear from you again, when I heard you weren't coming back for Christmas. Do you have any idea how happy I was when you dad asked me to go to New York to see you? I'm sorry about that line about NYADA. I just wanted to see one last time if we have a chance. When you looked so uncertain about it, like you were trying to hide your shock and disappointment, I knew it's time for me to leave. I'm so, so sorry that I led you on for so long.

I'm also sorry about leaving our goodbyes to a letter. This isn't me trying to justify anything (but keep in mind that I did write this, so it is biased). You were my first love, Kurt, and I will always remember you with the same fondness I had the day you first walked down the stairs at Dalton, the day you sang for Pavarotti, the day West Side Story opened in your senior year...

I'm writing this because I think being (more) honest with you about myself will give you the knowledge you needed to have closure. I'm sorry I can't be there in person.

I also want to let you understand some of the dangers that are relevant to your and your family's life, so you can protect yourselves (please be discrete, though – I'm technically not allowed to share any information). Come up with a clever of protecting yourself, Kurt. Please be safe.

I am a part of your past, but I want to reassure you that for as long as our relationship lasted, I truly, completely, and passionately loved you. I hope despite the heartache I caused you in the end, the rest of our relationship will be something you can look upon with fond memory, because that is certainly how I will look at it.

Live a long and happy life, Kurt.

Amaze the world.

Be the greatest success that you can be, whatever that might mean for you.

And don't ever give up on you dreams.

Love, and farewell,

Blaine

Hope you enjoyed this piece! I wish I could have written something a bit more comedic, but this was sort of inspired by Skyfall... So, what do you think? Leave a review and let know!