THE VAMPIRE [TXTING] DIARIES
Rated T (for teens!)
Disclaimer: Katie and Dee do not own any Vampire Diaries copyrights. At least not yet. We're working on harassing Julie Plec. ;)
A/N: This bit o' crazy fic is a collaborative effort between WrecklessRighter (Dee) and PixieKindofCrazy (Katie). Two fangirls decided to get together and write emails to each other as Klaus and Stefan in order to satisfy their unusual need for what could be called 'Klefan feels'. But, as time went on, the crazy took over and this crackfic was born. In each chapter we'll let you know who was who, although at some points it got a little hectic with character changes. Either way. Hope you enjoy!
**For this chapter, Dee wrote as Klaus and Katie wrote as Stefan.**
CHAPTER ONE:
FROM: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)
TO: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
SUBJECT: Hello Stefan ;)
For the very last time, one voicemail is sufficient in getting my attention. I understand the importance of uncovering this cure for your doppleganger sweetheart, but the time wasted in having to sit through all seven of your brooding meaningless threats could have had us that much closer. Not to mention I find it the slightest bit offensive that all this time I've been gone, not once have you asked how I was. My temporary leave of absence doesn't put our friendship on the backburner, does it, Rippah? ;)
I got word that your current residency is with a certain Ms. Forbes. I'll keep that bit of information in mind for my return...
-Klaus
[3:17PM]
FROM: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
TO: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)
SUBJECT: Threesomes and Ponies
And I'll tell YOU for the very last time, a threesome with me and my best friend is not on the list of things I'd like to do this week. For one - thinking about Caroline like that makes me feel very guilty and...no. "Miss Forbes", which is not what she prefers to be called actually and frankly it makes you sound a bit like a pedophile which technically is true. You can quit with the petty little jealousy thing; the big bad hybrid act doesn't really work as well when you leave Caroline romantic notes every other day. And people say I'M weird for writing down my feelings. AND IT IS NOT A DIARY. Sorry, I had season one Damon flashbacks for a second there. But what, no note for me? Am I not "full of light" enough for you? Yeah, I know about that. I'm not sure whether to be jealous or amused, but regardless, I still refuse to use emoticons to express that. So use the imagination you use for your "art".
- The Salvatore you like.
P.S. - Nice ponies.
[3:59PM]
FROM: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)
TO: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
SUBJECT: Strange Bedfellows...
...was a figure of speech, mate! I would never subject Caroline to such a blasphemous idea, but that you've even thought of it at all is telling. ;)
Remind me to speak to Caroline about educating her in the ways of 'privacy'.
I've found your blog, by the way, (not much better than a diary, mate) and I don't appreciate you putting those pictures into the world wide web. Do I have to give you a lesson in privacy too?
The Big Bad Hybrid
P.S. - They are STALLIONS, damn it!
[5:02PM]
FROM: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
TO: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)
SUBJECT: Re: Strange Bedfellows...
You're anger in emphasizing what your drawings for Caroline are actually of is a bit worrying, not to mention disturbing; who put's that much work into horses? I know she likes them and all, because her father bought her one when she was little, but sadly it sort of...died after her dad realized he was...homosexual and left her and her mom. So I don't think that's the best reminder for her...And denying the fact that you've thought about it, figure of speech or not, is not going to make those dreams you have go away. Yeah, Nik, you're not the only who can see dreams. And I should warn you before you try to talk to Caroline about any of this; 'educating' Caroline Forbes, or attempting to, is never and will never be a good idea in any way shape or form. You will end up scolded, confused, or frustrated. She doesn't take well to being given explicit directions. AND I THOUGHT I PUT A BLOCK ON MY BLOG, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO FIND IT...sorry, there's my temper that Elena used to force me to hide. So glad that leech has stopped sucking at my life. And please, you were perfectly aware that those pictures were being taken. Your the one that posed for me ;)
-Ripper (...yeah, I've decided to embrace it.)
[5:44PM]
FROM: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)
TO: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
SUBJECT: Horses are cool.
"So glad that leech has stopped sucking at my life." - I'll just tuck that one away for safekeeping when you two are back in good graces. ;)
Let me be the judge of how to properly handle Caroline. She's a spitfire, that's for certain, but don't forget who you're talking to my little Ripper. I'm as bad as it gets. ;)
You really think a simple thing as a virtual 'block' will keep me from discovering your deepest darkest secrets? I'm really beginning to get annoyed by how much you underestimate me, Stefan. How long have we known one another? Oh, that's right. You only just got your memory back a short time ago. Whoopsie.
YOU WILL TAKE THOSE PICTURES DOWN, STEFAN OR I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER MET!
- K
[11:28PM]
Stefan said:
It shouldn't take THAT long to
respond to an email, Klaus.
11:30pm
Klaus said:
Don't sass me.
I'm still working on
grasping technology.
11:31pm
Stefan said:
I can see that. Admit it.
You like my sass. Better
than boring perfect Stefan.
11:32pm
Klaus said:
It's true. :) So much more
fun when you're not brooding
with the squirrels.
11:33pm
Stefan said:
Yeah it's not as satisfying
complaining when the listener
can't respond interestingly. I
hated those blank stares.
11:34pm
And I mean Elena,
not the squirrels.
11:34pm
FROM: Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)
TO: Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster )
SUBJECT: Even Originals BS
Take that quote and have another one- "My days with Miss Gilbert were a cruel kind of mind numbing torture."- because we both know I won't be within her good graces again for...well ever. I know she's going to continue chasing after my brother like a puppy even after he broke the sire bond and commanded her away. I think he's hiding in San Francisco right now or that's what I got from his last postcard.
And please, I don't want to know how you "handle" Caroline; I've already told you-thinking about my friend in that context, for lack of any better phrase, gives me the creeps. I will give you one thing though- last week when you calmed her down from her tantrum about Matt and Bekah...how did you manage that, Nik? You know what, I think it's best for all if I don't know just what tricks you used.
I didn't believe the blocks would succeed, but I can hope, can't I? I still don't understand your amusement with perpetually bringing up how YOU WIPED OUR FRIENDSHIP FROM MY MEMORY. Which is why I say- I will not take those pictures down and you will stop threatening me with murders I know you won't commit ("Miss Forbes" does look down on mass murder you know) or I will give Caroline that letter you almost sent her. You know, the one I found in the trash can by your bed that you never intended for her to read.
After all, I did learn SOMETHING from being your friend all that time, Big Bad.
-The one calling your bullshit.
[12:15AM]
Stefan said:
Responded to your email, Nik.
12:32am
Klaus said:
Quck. I like it. ;)
12:33am
Stefan said:
...I can't respond to that without
being rude or inappropriate, or both.
12:34am
Klaus said:
Don't be fresh, Stefan.
12:33am
Stefan said:
You're not.
12:34am
Klaus said:
Not what?
12:42am
Stefan said:
Quick enough.
12:43am
Klaus said:
There are other matters currently
taking precedence. But I can appreciate
your impatience to hear from me. ;)
12:44am
Stefan said:
Don't flatter yourself, Klaus.
It's incredibly one sided at this point.
Unless you want to enlist Caroline
to start stroking your ego.
12:46am
And if you were busy you wouldn't
have been able to answer the text.
12:47am
Klaus said:
Not my ego, mate. ;)
12:48am
Perhaps I just like seeing you wait.
12:49am
Stefan said:
See, I knew you'd say that. But I sorta
like setting you up to make gross jokes.
Kind of like I have the control.
12:53
And for the last time, stop denying your
love of my sass. Also, where the hell did
you pick up slang like 'fresh' from, Grandpa?
12:54am
Klaus said:
I never denied it.
I welcome it with open arms.
Reminds me of the good ol days...
12:56am
Oh don't mock my speech.
I don't pick at your grammatical
inadequacy in your emails.
12:57am
Stefan said:
Which you kindly didn't let ME remember.
12:58am
Klaus said:
Are you going to hold that
against me for the rest of eternity?
You're worse than Kol.
12:59am
Stefan said:
Are you implying you're gonna keep me around
for the rest of eternity?
1:03am
And, yeah you do point out my grammatical
errors. And any other errors you can find.
Wouldn't expect you to understand most
of them are caused by this idiotic feature
called 'autocorrect'.
1:04am
Klaus said:
I'm going to drive now and I'd prefer
not to dent the vintage because I had
to hear more of your sass. Try not to
rip anyone out of impatience. ;)
1:06am
Stefan said:
The vintage in this case being you.
1:06am
Klaus said:
Stefan...
1:07am
Stefan said:
Yes buddy?
1:07
Klaus said:
Thin line, my friend. Tip: Don't walk it.
1:10am
Rebekah, sweetheart...
I know you took my car out again.
You left your Taylor Swift CD in the player.
1:19am
..Sorry that was meant to go to my sister.
1:20am
Stefan said:
Yeah somehow I puzzled that one out.
And that CD's not Rebekah's. It's Caroline's.
I may have snuck your keys and 'lent' them to her.
But with your incubation with my friend,
I didn't think you'd mind?
1:21am
Klaus said:
Wonderful. Gives me a valid reason to
say hello when I get back to town. :)
1:22am
My...incubation?
1:23am
Stefan said:
Infatuation. I really need to get
Caroline to turn autocorrect off.
It's starting to make me want to
rip into someone's throat again.
1:26am
Klaus said:
Why not find someone else?
Or figure it out for yourself?
She's your friend, not your "fix-it" girl.
1:27am
Stefan said:
I put up with a lot from you Klaus,
but don't assume you know anything
about my friendship with Caroline.
I'd fall on a stake for her and hopefully
her for me. So if we ask each other favors
now and the it's not a big deal.
1:30am
Besides, no one else in this town seems to
understand this century's technology better.
1:30am
Klaus said:
So defensive... :)
1:31am
Stefan said:
Yes.
1:34am
I'm assuming you have a point.
You usually have a point.
1:36am
Klaus said:
Let's just say I'm glad to see
that Caroline is in good hands
in my absence...
1:37am
And we'll leave it at that.
1:37am
Stefan said:
...I don't say this often but I'm going
to go modern to get this across:
"Dude, no. Just no."
You don't get to assume Caroline is yours
or that I would dutifully watch over her
because YOU told me to. I watch out for her
because she's my friend not because she's
your crush, you arrogant prick.
1:38am
Klaus said:
Oh Stefan, you thoroughly amuse me.
1:40am
I meant nothing by it. I was simply
congratulating you on your loyalty.
I take comfort in knowing someone
will look after her when I cannot, not
implying you're doing so in my place.
1:44am
Go feed, mate.
You're a little too defensive
tonight and I'm about at my
limit with your attitude.
1:45am
Stefan said:
Did you ever think I was being
defensive on purpose because I'm
aware that my attitude messes with
you? I knew you meant nothing by it.
I was just playing the game. When are
you going to realize that I learned this
from you?
1:52am
Klaus said:
Even through text messaging you're as
readable as a book.
1:54am
Stefan said:
Yes, reading IS generally what you do
with the texts.
1:56am
Klaus said:
You can play the game, Stefan.
But don't be so naïve as to think
you could actually win.
2:00am
I'm always at least three steps ahead.
Remember that.
2:00am
Stefan said:
Wasn't trying to win. I'm merely the
distraction tonight.
2:01am
Klaus said:
WHAT did you do now, Stefan?
2:04am
Don't toy with me Stefan!
2:06am
Stefan said:
You'll find out by morning.
2:07am
Goodnight Nik.
2:07am
Caroline would say the same,
but she's...out right now. ;)
2:07am