Chapter One: Hogwarts
"Hum-dee-dum-dum." Professor Dumbledore was in a very good mood as he flipped through the latest issue of The Portkey, a magazine similar to the muggle National Geographic. An add in the corner of the page caught his eye, and he proceeded to examine it closely.
A slight cough interrupted his concentration.
Dumbledore sighed impatiently, and bookmarked the page. He flipped the magazine shut and slammed it down on his desk. He would have to catch up with Barney Markhoove's adventure in Djibouti while on the Chamber Pot that night.
"What is it now Cornelius?" he peered petulantly over his half-moon spectacles at the wizard who stood nervously before his desk.
"Professor Dumbledore sir," Cornelius stammered nervously, twisting his bowler hat in his hands.
"My dear minister, you must stop stammering. People can't understand you." Dumbledore interrupted.
"Ye-yes sir. I mean, no. Sir. I mean—"
"Oh for Gods sake Fudge just spit it out." Dumbledore said crossly, his mind traveling back to Barney in The Portkey.
"Well, you see sir, there have been rumors that the Dark Lord is trying to kill a certain boy…again."
"You don't say." Dumbledore said dryly.
"Yes, and well, we at the Ministry think that it would be safest for him to leave and go abroad—for a short time of course."
"I see." Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. A knock came at the door.
"Intrude!" He bellowed, and the door flew open revealing a very intimidating silhouette of a certain Severus Snape.
"Owl post sir," Snape sneered, holding out the limp body of an owl.
"Sparkles!" Dumbledore exclaimed, leaping from his seat and snatching the bird. "What happened?"
"I found him in my personal quarters. Again. Damn thing was eating my collection of antique lacewing flies. Again." Snape said.
"Severus, how many times must I tell you that the value of a living creature is much higher than that of a dead one?" Dumbledore said severely.
"I believe it choked on one of them." Snape lied smoothly, brushing a feather off of his sleeve.
"It looks like it was strangle—el—el—d." Snape stomped discreetly on Cornelius's foot.
"Stop stammering please." Dumbledore said immaturely, pulling the letter from Sparkles beak and throwing the bird into the fireplace. It went up in a puff of green smoke.
"Oops," Dumbledore said, absentmindedly as the bird vanished.
"Was it still alive?" Cornelius asked excitedly.
"No. I believe I just flooed Sparkles to the Dursley Residence." Dumbledore sighed. He opened the letter and his silvery eyebrows disappeared into his purple tasseled hat.
"Severus, fetch the Potter boy. And his friends. NOW!" he bellowed, tucking the letter into the belt of his robes.
Snape rolled his eyes, turned on his heels and left, the door swinging shut behind him dramatically, his black cloak whipping through the doorframe for extra effect.
"Wow." Cornelius sighed wistfully. "He sure knows how to make an exit."
"Get out of my face and my office. And my life." Dumbledore said snidely, and the minister shot him a look of loathing before stepping through the fireplace and vanishing in a puff of green smoke.
Dumbledore grinned to himself, and plopped down on his chair, reopening The Portkey and had just reached the part where Barney had conjured a flock of flying bananas when –
BAM
The door flew open again revealing Snape behind a multitude of fifth-years.
"Thank you Severus. Please stay for a bit, you'll want to hear this. Ah, students." Dumbledore smiled brightly at the group.
Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were busy trying to hold back Ron Weasley who kept lunging at Draco Malfoy, who was also being restrained by Neville Longbottom and Ginny Weasley. Blaise Zabini was picking at a hangnail absentmindedly, and Luna Lovegood kept humming the song "I'm a Barbie Girl".
"Dear children." Dumbledore said, walking towards them. He stopped, turned sideways, and looked out the window, pretending to leave them hanging on his every word.
"I'll get you! You foul and loathsome evil little cockr—"
"Oh please Weasel, that was so third year!"
"Weasel? Yeah, that's original. Never heard that one before, you greasy git!"
"Shut-up both of you!" Shouted Snape, who had perhaps had a flashback going back to his school years at the term "greasy git." He ran a hand nervously through his greasy hair, which his hair stylist had repeatedly assured him, was "silky, not greasy."
"…you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere…" Luna sang lightly in the brief silence. "Ooh, look. A nargle." She pointed to Blaise Zabini. Snape gave her a look that said very clearly exactly how disturbed he thought she was.
Dumbledore examined his purple fingernails.
"As I was say, children," he continued, "I have a mission for you that would destroy the greatest lord of all time—Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Zabini…what are you doing here? I specifically asked for Mr. Potter and his friends."
"They were all playing strip poker in the Room of Requirement sir, I brought them all." Snape said.
"I see. Whatever. Anyways, I have a mission. There is a spell that must be cast to bring down Lord Moldeshorts, but the caster must first drink a potion with several special ingredients. I need you to find these ingredients for me." Dumbledore said.
"I don't want to!" Draco snapped, wrenching himself from Neville's grip at last.
"What if I took off two hours of the community service time required to graduate?" Dumbledore asked.
"Deal." Draco replied.
"There isn't a community service requirement to graduate sir, I thought—"
"HACK*COUGH*COUGH*HAAAAAACK."
Dumbledore interrupted Hermione.
"ANYWAYS you pubescent little morons. Here is the list of items that you must fetch me…" Dumbledore grabbed his magazine off his desk and proceeded to his study, where sounds of a Xerox machine could be heard making copies.
"Blast it! I told those house elves to stop making butt prints on the copy machine…oh, never mind, those are mine." Dumbledore proceeded to make a few copies of his face smooshed up against the glass.
"Haha, pig nose." he grinned, passing it around when he reentered his office.
"Looks like Dudley." Harry commented.
"Why are you people sidetracking me again?" Dumbledore roared, ripping the page from Malfoy, who had turned it upside down and was looking highly traumatized.
"Here, take this." He waved his wand and each person in the room including Snape received a copy of the list.
"You can accompany the children Severus, and chaperone." Dumbledore said gaily, as Snape peeled the paper from his face, with a look that could not be mistaken for anything other than pure disgust.
"Now get out of my office. I must use the loo." Dumbledore said, shoving them out the door, and stroking his magazine affectionately.
Back in the corridor, Snape emotionlessly set his paper on fire and stalked away, leaving the group of youth in slight confusion.
Hermione cleared her throat.
"The Harknarble-Wackness-Conjoobermitachallicalit Potion." She began, reading the title scrawled across the top in Dumbledore's handwriting.
"Rule Number One: The ingredients must be collected without the aid of magic, or with anything magic aiding."
"That's a lame rule." Harry said lamely.
"NO MAGIC!?" Draco looked pale green.
"Rule Number Two: In order to…" Hermione squinted at the original text which looked like it said "win the prize" but looked like it had been crossed out and replaced with "find the ingredients" in messy handwriting.
"…to find the ingredients, you have to take a picture in each of the following locations of yourself with a Polaroid camera."
"What the monkey-fur is a Polaroid?" Blaise asked, examining his other hand now.
"It's a type of muggle camera," Neville said. Draco turned a solid greenish purple and was reduced to making gargled noises.
"You shall receive further instruction for each specific place. Rule Number Three: (I think Dumbledore added this last minute. He really needs a secretary, though, if you ask me). I have provided you with twenty billion galleons worth of muggle money on this credit card, which will morph into whatever currency you need it to be," Hermione waved a Visa card that appeared with a big poof, along with a Polaroid camera, "But don't ask me if I forged it because I DIDN'T, OKAY."
"Right." Harry said, while Ron turned a bright red at the mention of so much money.
Draco just gurgled again, and Luna was now staring into Neville's ear intently. Neville looked a bit uncomfortable.
"Let's get our stuff together and meet back here in say, ten minutes?" Hermione asked, after examing the list of places.
They agreed. Well, Harry and Ron agreed.
"I dunno about this, Hermione. It sounds a bit dodgy to me." Ron said, as they climbed the staircase.
"I trust Dumbledore." Hermione said stubbornly.
"He trusts Snape though. I think you have a point Ron." Harry agreed. They reached the common room, and opened the portrait hole to find Ginny snogging some random first-year.
"GINERVA WEASLEY." Ron began to shout at the top of his lungs.
"Not now Ron, let's not get overdramatic again please." Hermione sighed, and pushed past him to her dormitory room.
"Where are you guys going?" Ginny asked.
"On a top secret mission to save the world," Harry said.
"Sounds boring, can I come?" Ginny asked.
"NO YOU MAY NOT!" Ron shouted, spraying everyone with spit.
"Get lost RON!" Ginny screamed. They proceeded to have a chaotic sibling fight, and screamed all the way back down to the Great Hall.
"Where's Neville?" Luna asked, noticing he hadn't shown up. They waited for two hours, and finally decided to leave without him.
"Let's just go. He can catch up." Ron said, in a hoarse voice. Ginny tossed her hair and followed them out the door into the courtyard.
"The first place on the list is…" Hermione said, unrolling the list.
"My Lord, I have news of good and bad." said an oily voice, the cloaked figure to which it belonged to kneeling in front of a man who looked like a snake.
"Ssssseverusssss Ssssnape." hissed the man.
"Look, my Lord, I know you have a lisp and everything, but could you please not say my name like that? It's rather disconcerting." the man said in his oily voice.
"Sssssilencssssssse!" the snake man hissed. He paused, and pulled out a dictionary.
"What are you doing?" Snape asked, standing up.
"Looking up disssssconcsssserting." Lord Voldemort hissed.
Snape looked as if he was fighting an internal battle not to bash his head repeatedly against a brick wall.
"Hey!" Voldemort cried, reaching the meaning of the word.
"Good news first!" Snape interrupted, "The Potter boy has left Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts."
"The bad news?" Voldemort asked, his red eyes glinting redder.
"He's looking for ingredients to a potion that could…destroy you."
"Stupid fool." Voldemort clucked.
"Me?" Snape asked.
"NO! Well, yes, but also the Potter boy. What was his name again? Henry? Heimlich? Hector? Habib? No, no, it wasn't that. Oh yes…no wait. Um. No, don't tell me Severus, I've got it!" Voldemort paused for dramatic effect, "Harisha!" He scratched his head like a monkey, chortling.
"Um, no Sir."
"Really? I always wanted to name my son – if I ever had one – Harisha."
"It's not Harisha."
"No?"
"No." Snape said.
"No?"
"No…" Snape said again.
Voldemort looked disconcerted. "Then what is it?"
"Harry, sir. Harry."
"Ah yes, how could I forget? Harrrrrrrrrrrrry. Haha, when you drag the "r" out it sounds so funny. Say it, Sev, Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry."
Voldemort giggled. Snape looked like he wanted to throw up, at being addressed as "Sev", and the way that Voldemort was now prancing around the room singing "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-pop, lolli-POP! bing, doo-doo-doo-doo."
"Bad news?" Voldemort plopped down on a yellow sofa covered in light green flower print. "Oh, wait, you told me that. Well, we'll see about that!" Voldemort sprung like a cat from the couch, and grabbed a red roman cloak from a coat rack. He swung it about his shoulders and grabbed a big ladle which he smacked against a giant frying pan hanging on the wall.
"Wormtail!" He screeched as a watery-eyed man slouched into the room.
"My Chariot Wormtail, and this time, harness only the fastest white stallions. Last time you used that old mare "Bossie" and we where going much to slow."
"Not that slow," Wormtail said defensivly.
"Wormtail, there were butterflies passing us. Now get to it." Voldemort dropped his red cloak revealing a Roman Toga.
Snape cried out in pain and fell to the floor writhing and screaming "My eyes! They burrrrrrrrrn!"
"Oh, just tell us already!" Draco sighed, running a hand through his impeccably slicked back hair.
"Rome." Hermione said.
"I say we ditch the whole plan and…well, Rome's not that bad." Ginny said, thinking of the hot Italian guys.
"Agreed." Blaise said, thinking of the hot Italian girls.
"Double agreed," said Ron, thinking of the pizza, although everyone knows the best place for pizza in Italy is Naples.
"Triple agreed," said Hermione, thinking of the Coliseum.
"How are we going to get there?" Draco asked.
"The Knight Bus, of course." Harry said, rolling his eyes. The group made their way down the grounds towards the main road.
Draco looked scandalized. "We're taking public transportation?" he shrieked.
"No, we're taking a taxi." Hermione said.
"We're taking MUGGLE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?" shrieked Draco in an even louder voice.
"How are we supposed to find a taxi?" Ginny asked.
"I don't know, why does everyone always expect me to have the answer?" Draco cried, whimpering again. "It's just, you know—" he hiccupped "so hard to be me."
"Clearly. Malfoy, have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?" Hermione asked disdainfully.
"I've seen three. They're all in St. Mungo's now. Don't know why, something about purple donkeys and prunes…"
"Taxi!" cried Ron, running out into the middle of the street and throwing up his arm, just like the muggles he had seen on TV in Muggle Studies.
"I think there has to be a taxi for you to be able to do that," said Blaise, who had also been in Muggle Studies, noting the empty street.
"Let's hitchhike to the nearest airport. I've always wanted to hitchhike." Luna said dreamily, and began to cross and uncross her eyes repeatedly singing "…for he's a jolly good fellow…"
"How in the name of Sprout's Honking Daffodils do you hitchhike?" Draco asked.
"You stick your hand out like this," said Harry, who had watched many movies on hippies who hitchhiked across America.
They walked along the road for a while, with their hands stuck out.
"Pssst…Granger." Draco hissed, walking beside Hermione.
"What?" Hermione asked.
"It isn't working."
"What?" Hermione asked again.
"This hitchhiking thing…it's not working. Are we doing it wrong?"
"Malfoy, there has to be cars on the road to make it work."
"Oh."
There was a short silence, during which everyone continued walking.
"Pssst…Potter."
"What Malfoy?"
"I don't think we're doing it right. This hitchhiking I mean."
"Probably," said Harry distantly, clearly not paying any attention.
"..for he's a jolly good fellllllooooooowwww! Which nobody can dee-ny."
"ARGH! I can't take it anymore!"