Sympathetic stares and sorrowful glances. I don't need them. They make me feel worse. Along with, 'sorry for your loss'. My heart sinks deeper into my chest as I wonder if Matt was getting the same torture. Probably not. He wasn't as attached to dad like I was. Then again, I wasn't as attached to mom as he was when she died. "Hey Jeff, sorry for your loss. You gonna be okay? You can come stay with me if you want" it was Jason, trying to cheer me up but it won't work.
"Nah man, ah'll be fine. Matt and ah are gonna crash at Shan's for the night" Jay nods, saying something along the lines of 'if you need me I'm here for you' before leaving me to find my way in a jumble of thoughts and crushed hopes. I make it to health class in one piece, sitting down and doing our warm-up. Coach bounds in, peppy as usual, and starts the lesson. Soon I realise the point of this. Suicide. Boy doesn't that make me feel great. Dad committed suicide and every one in my family (except Matt) thinks it's my fault because I'm openly queer and a disgrace to the Hardy family. They just don't understand how close dad and I were.
"How many of you have thought about suicide" that question jars me from my thoughts and into the real world. I instinctively raise my hand. Coach looks over at my, shocked that my hand is up. "Jeff? You've thought about suicide?" I nod. Bunches of times I have, actually. I never did anything though. Mostly because my dad needed me and I needed him. Coach nods and quickly moves on, not thinking twice about my declaration.
The rest of the school day rides smoothly and soon I end up at Shannon's house. Matt and Shan are playing video games while I stare blankly at the TV. They played until dinner, ate, then played some more. I always thought they were video game junkies but not this bad. I roll my eyes and look out the window in Shan's small bedroom. The sky outside is dark and dreary. The rain is pouring down on the roof and sidewalk. Matt knows I hate storms and is usually the one to comfort me, either him or my dad, but Matt's sleeping in the guest room an I'll be in here with Shan. I shiver as a especially loud clap of thunder shakes the house. Another loud BOOM and I'm hidden under the covers on Shan's bed, trembling. BOOM! Tears come to my eyes and I start to cry. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss the life I had come to know. Soft sobs are wracking my body and I'm quivering uncontrollably.
"Jeff?" Shan's soft voice calls and I feel his caressing touch on my shoulder. I slowly move out from under the covers to see him staring at me with worried eyes. "You okay?" he asks, and I shake my head no.
"I don't like storms" I mutter and he nods, bringing me into a hug holding me against his chest. I finally stop crying and curl up in his arms. This was probably a sight because out of the two of us, I'm the biggest. He doesn't mind though because he keeps holding me, rocking me back in forth. He calms me down and I fall asleep there in his arms. He holds me through the night, and I wake up in his arms in the morning. He smiles at me and I smile back at him. "Morning Jeffrey, you gonna be okay today?" he asks me, brushing purple and blue bangs out of my eyes. I nod and scoot closer to him, and he kisses the top of my head. Warmth explodes in my stomach and I look up at him. A soft, warm smile is spread out on his lips and I lean up and kiss them. He kisses me back and holds me tighter. The warmth in my stomach spreads through out my body and warms the cold of a shell of used-to-be's and makes me new. It warms the dead corpse of me. I feel loved.
This probably suck sucks sucks... but I don't care