"I'm going to marry you some day!" I promise her. Katniss giggles at me, spinning around on her toes at the edge of the creek that runs through my backyard. Bits of mud and grass stick to her scrawny legs; her tanned face an ashy brown from the mask of mud she applied while scratching an itch.
"Look, Peeta! A frog!" Katniss jumps into the creek, her duck boots filling with water. All she could think about was the frog that was hopping towards me. I bent down and picked it up, holding it between my hands as its legs went slack, accepting its fate. "I'm going to kiss it! Maybe it'll turn into a prince!" I scrunch my face as she abandons her water-logged boots and rushes over, feet covered in pebbles. She kisses the frog on the lips and frowns. "Oh…" she sighs and then grins. "Maybe I can turn YOU into a frog!" She gets on her toes and kisses me with her frog slime covered lips.
In shock, I throw the frog back into the water and spit. "Ew! Katniss! Gross!" I don't know what grossed me out more, being kissed by a girl or the frog slime.
She makes a fish pout and tries to do it again, but I take off running. "Get back here, Peeta Mellark! If you're going to marry me, you're going to have to get used to kissing me!" I run back to my house, the two of us giggling like fiends.
"Ribbit!" I call back to her.
I didn't know that what I felt back then was called a crush. I still thought that girls had cooties; all of them but Katniss, though. We grew up next to each other and have been inseparable since we could walk. We didn't even know what marriage was back then.
"Just sex, no feelings," I confirm for the hundredth time.
"Feelings make things messy," she says with a smile.
I grab her by the waist, stroking the inch of bare skin on the small of her back. She shivers, even though it's late summer.
Katniss was right, feelings would ruin what we had, which is why I would never tell her about mine.
"Katniss, you're running late! Seriously, the one train that's on time in this city and you're going to miss it again!" Actually, anything SEPTA controlled was perpetually two minutes late which is the only reason why Katniss was on time for anything.
She bolts down the stairs, slipping a little before pulling on her grass green Wellies. She opens her mouth like a baby bird and I shove my last piece of toast in her mouth. "Thanks! And good luck today! I'll be listening at work!"
She pulls on her rain coat and shoves her work shoes into her bag before running out the door into the rain.
"Five, four, three, two…" the door opens and she grabs her keys.
"Every morning…" our roommate, Finnick Odair, grumbles. "Ever since she started with that asshole… Actually…she started running late around the time you two started fucking."
"At least she stopped cleaning at five. And don't tell her you know… please?"
"Finnick Odair's vault is harder to crack than Fort Knox. Your secret is safe with me!" He pretends to zip his lips while coming down the stairs. "Annie's though…"
"Morning, Annie! Is that why you work at City Hall?"
"Want to know who the comptroller is fucking?"
"Morning, Peeta!" she giggles, poking her head out of his bedroom, the only one you can see from the bottom of the stairs.
"First, what is a comptroller?" I ask.
Finnick strolls into the kitchen in nothing but his boxers whistling. "Does accounting, and his secretary…" Wonderful.
Katniss and I have kept our little 'agreement' going for four years, since our junior year at the University of Pennsylvania. At twenty four, we've gone through more condoms and packs of Plan-B than normal people should.
If everything was working as it should, we'd have a perfect agreement. Whenever one of us gets into a relationship, the sex abruptly stops. Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, we have shit luck with relationships. Katniss is attracted to piercings, tattoos, and deadbeats. Ever since Finnick moved in with us at age nineteen, he and I started placing bets on how long her relationships would last. I made fifty bucks on 'Neck Tattoo.' I never knew his name, but Katniss kicked him to the curb when she caught him with a crack pipe.
Finnick called it hypocritical since Katniss and I had a pretty expensive chronic habit.
"Potheads just chill and eat too much Taco Bell, or have meltdowns in Reading Terminal because Peeta only brought twenty dollars!" she snapped, already seeing the humor in the situation. "Crackheads shamble around outside and make me wonder whether or not they're walkers or high."
"Also offering blowjobs," I add.
After Neck Tattoo, we had a good six months of just her and I. Then two months ago, along came Cato. He was two years younger than us, living just off Temple's campus. Katniss never brings him around anymore, not since Finnick and Annie accused her of robbing the cradle.
Finnick bet he would last six months, I bet four.
I work at a local radio station, DJ'ing through rush hour. It's a pretty mindless job, talk to pissed off suburban commuters for a few hours, take their requests, and let my co-DJ bounce slightly inappropriate jokes off me.
"No, seriously, have you heard it?"
Caesar rolls his eyes. "I'm sorry, I prefer to ignore songs that are so heavily synthesized it sounds like the singer is breathing helium."
"Aw, come on… my roommate's girlfriend's ringtone is Call Me Maybe, and her text tone, and her alarm…"
I look up to watch our producer shaking his head. "What about her vibrator? Does her vibrator app sing it, too?"
I cringe, "They don't really…"
Caesar grins and nods. "And the number one review is about water damage!" Caesar looks down at the phone in front of him. "Hello, you're on the air with Peeta and Caesar."
"This is Andrew from South Philly. Guys, I actually want to see a woman with the guts to try this."
"You want a girl to come up to you, hand you her phone number and say-"
"Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number. So call me maybe?"
Caesar leans into the table on his elbows. "Now, the real question is… would you call her back?"
"If she was cute, yeah…"
I get an idea because we'll actually have to play some music at some point. "Thanks for your call," I start, then disconnect him. "He brings up a good topic, Caesar. What's either the strangest pick-up line you used, or the strangest way a woman's tried to pick you up?"
"Well, I think the strangest was right before MMRBQ last year. This girl, and I'm not using the term loosely, she came up to me and I wanted to ask where her parents were."
"Because sixteen will get you twenty?"
"Yeah, let's leave it at that. And she recognizes me at one of our ticket stops… She looks me dead in the eye, and says, 'I will give you a lap dance for pit tickets!'"
"And?"
"Did we not just…? Listen, I'd ask yours…but with those eyes, I'm sure they're throwing panties at you." I snort in reply. My latest relationship was a two month 'fling' with an intern who told me she didn't want to sleep with someone who's hung up on someone else. She quit the station two weeks ago.
"Yeah… let's go with that…" I smirk.
"So listeners, tell us the strangest way you've either tried to get laid, or what someone's used on you to get laid. Call us, 215-263-WMMR."
"Or text us at 39333. Now, here's some Godsmack."
I take my headphones off, letting my ears get some air. "You went for the lap dance…"
"Yup…" Caesar grins as I Stand Alone plays in the background. My pocket vibrates.
Katniss: FUCK EVERYONE FROM CAMDEN!
The first thing I think is that maybe she almost got hit by a Jersey driver. There's a running joke in Philly that we identify our bad drivers by putting yellow tags on the front and back of their cars that say 'New Jersey'.
I text back: I'm sure there are good people in the city. You like the aquarium, right?
Less than a minute later my phone lights up.
I went over to Cato's. And he's with some guidette slore! And he called her Glimmer… WHO CALLS THEMSELF THAT!?
"Peeta… Peeta?" I realize the song's over and our call board is fully lit up. If they ever make talking on your phone while driving in Pennsylvania illegal, my job will get boring.
"Sorry, sorry!" I put my headphones back on.
"Girl drama?" Caesar asks.
"Always…"
I've become an expert at quelling a Katniss Everdeen break up.
"What do you want to listen to?" She never cries after a break-up. Rather, it's more like she goes quiet for a day or so. "Not so much water!" Katniss narrows her eyes and dumps out the pipe.
"We're using ice!" she snaps. "And Voodoo! You were supposed to play it today. It's our song!"
"It's our smoking song. I didn't know we were smoking today." She rolls her eyes at me while gingerly dropping ice cubes into her bong, or 'water pipe', if you were at a head shop.
"We smoke every day. Can we go to Sitar?"
"That's all the way in University City… Let's just get delivery," I suggest. She sighs and pouts. God dammit…
"No. Last time we navigated the Market-Frankford, you almost got in a fight with a guy."
She starts pouring just enough water in the bong and I hand her the stem. "Ladies first?"
"Such a gentleman…" she teases, pulling out her favorite lighter and putting her mouth up to the top. I watch her out of the corner of my eye while searching for Indian restaurants that deliver to our house. She pulls the stem out and inhales the rest of the smoke before setting the bong down and exhaling after a second.
"Better?" I ask, feeling her chest on my back. Katniss gets cuddly when she's high, cuddly and hungry.
"Mhm…" She starts running her fingers through my hair. "Voodoo… voodoo…" she sings, but way ahead of the song.
"You won't be singing Godsmack in a round in my house…" I take my own hit, blowing my smoke in her face.
"I'll smack you until you see God," she snorts.
"I'd like to see you try with those porn star hands…"
Katniss also loses her mental filter when she's high. "You don't seem to mind my porn star hands when they're wrapped around your dick…"
I lean into her. "Not at all…"
She steps behind me and starts running her fingers through my hair again. "Hit me…"
"Katniss, I'm not smacking you. Last guy who tried that ended up with a black eye."
She scratches at my scalp with her nails, knowing this hypnotizes me. "No, I mean… I'm already standing behind you… just…"
I hold the bong over my shoulder like a soldier might handle a gun. "Just pull away when you're done… Or start hacking, whatever you want to do."
"Face me…" There's something oddly sexual about her pressing her lips to a tube of glass I'm holding in my hand. It's awkward at first when I touch the flame to the bowl. She starts inhaling and the smoke rises. I pull out the stem and it all goes into her lungs. It stays there for a second before she exhales, letting the white smoke billow out of her mouth.
"I missed you…" she giggles. "You didn't like Cato…"
"No, I didn't… I'm sorry he cheated on you with some chick named Glitter."
"Glimmer…" she spits. "Even worse!"
I set the pipe on the counter and pull her into my lap. "Why do you date guys like that?"
"Let's not get philosophical…" she says, resting her head on my shoulder, "Plus, they're the kind of guys I attract. Guys like you don't like girls like me."
"Girls like you?"
"Twenty-four year old stoner lab technicians." This would be the perfect time to just tell her how I really feel.
Just get it over with…'Katniss, I love you.' No… she just got out of a relationship.
"We have types, you and I. For me, it's the losers. For you, it's the blonde haired, blue eyed blondes to help you perpetuate the Aryan race…"
I don't know how it started and really can't be bothered to remember the beginning of each and every one of our little trysts. I think she kissed me first, her lips soft and the taste of marijuana thick on her tongue. I didn't mind, as I'm sure she's getting the same from me. At some point, we move up to my bedroom, quickly disrobing along the way. There's little to no foreplay, other than Katniss taking my cock in her mouth long enough to make it wet.
She goes to climb on top of me after pressing me into the mattress. "Put your feet over my shoulders," I tell her.
She straddles me. God, she's so close I can feel the heat coming off her. "I'll crush you!"
"Just put your feet over my shoulders after you get on me and hold yourself up with your arms," I command. She's hesitant, but after guiding me in her warm wet core, she awkwardly moves her legs over my shoulders. Her weight eases off me a bit and I pound into her with reckless abandon. Her moans start softly, little mews until I slow my upward thrusts, almost withdrawing before slamming into her. The loud slaps from our sweaty skin meeting ring clearly throughout the room, as well as her less than quiet moans.
"Fuck…" she groans, "Peeta, stop… or start…" I oblige because I know she needs to forget, or at least get lost in something besides the confusing self-pity I know she's pushing to the side. I try to hold off my own climax until I feel her clamp around me and her whole body tenses. I spill everything I have into her, trying not to feel anything as she climbs off me. Her body is covered in sweat, the product of our liaison already running down her leg. She flops down onto the bed.
Normal couples would cuddle, talk, and enjoy each other's company. That isn't us, no matter how much I wish it was. "Why don't you wash up and we'll go to Sitar?" I ask, noticing the tears she's likely probably been fighting all day beginning to well up in the corners of her eyes.
"But it's all the way across town…"
"Shut up and accept my good mood." The house is silent with only us here, so she leaves my room completely naked. The second the door closes, I exhale all the tension stored in my body. She turns the water on and I press my face into my pillow and scream.
Katniss has a thing for all you can eat buffets. Since moving to Philadelphia, her first love has become Sitar India, right off campus. Unfortunately, the only quick way to get from our apartment to University City is on the Market-Frankford line. At any given time, it is usually filled with a menagerie of entertaining human beings. Whether it's irresponsible mothers or someone that might be high with that little bit of crazy mixed in, you'll find them on anything with the name SEPTA printed on the side. I imagine, however, that's probably the same in any major city.
Katniss rests her head on my shoulder, already exhausted, and I let her. If we were a couple, I'd wrap my arm around her.
"What month is it?" she yawns.
"September?"
"So… the Phillies are almost done, then comes…" she groans.
"Eagles, then the Flyers and the Sixers somewhere in there, but I think we're still ignoring them."
The Eagles turn most bars in Philadelphia into potential riots, every establishment one spilled drink away from a proper Irish fistfight. Since most of the Irish have moved from West Philadelphia and only a few good 'Irish themed' bars actually exist, it's more like one spilled Guinness or Yuengling away from a knife fight.
At the last stop before we cross the Schuylkill River, an older woman gets on with a push cart. It's not an uncommon sight; it's one of those thin ones full of groceries. "Ah, young love," she sighs, her old eyes twinkling, maybe reminiscing about her own first love.
Katniss sits up, taking her head off my shoulder and moving as far away from me on the bench as possible. "We're not together," she says quickly to the woman.
At Sitar, she eats like she'll never see food again. I'm not sure why, as she's always been well off. Katniss plows through a plate of Chicken Curry and Samosas before I can blink. "Is it wrong to have rice pudding between each plate?" she asks.
"No, do it. Then let's hit up a bar so you can puke in an alley again."
She rolls her eyes. "You weren't supposed to mention that," she tells me, licking her plate.
Two Months Later
"Come on…. Come on…" we chant as we watch the Flyers expertly lose their first home game of the season. Normally, Finnick and I would be at the bar, but not tonight.
Katniss has a date. Oh, joy.
She rushes around getting ready while Finnick and I continue watching the Flyers game.
"So, what exactly is the logo? Like… a beakless bird head and a wing?"
"It's a puck," I tell Finnick, "You've lived here your whole damn life and-"
"I don't care about the Eagles, and I have no idea what a Phillie is… Wait, it's a horse, right? 1776 is plastered everywhere in Old City, I've been propositioned for sexual favors three times taking the train up to Annie's, and this is just in the last six months!" Most of this is a lie. Finnick moved here from California when he was ten or so, but he was all about Philly Sports. Either that, or at least he knows enough to bullshit through a conversation at work.
"What about the train home?"
He doesn't answer because Katniss comes into the room in a huff. "Annie says this is okay. Is this okay?"
"No, put a jacket on," I tell Katniss without looking. She'll be in her first date dress – a red halter that goes to just above the knee, good for the summer and oh so easy to get her out of. I should know. Unfortunately, it's October.
"Annie!" she huffs again, walking out.
"Two months," Finnick tells me, rudely taking my last Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale.
"Three weeks," I state. We shake on it just as an easy goal is scored against the Flyers. We can already tell it's going to be one of those seasons.
The buzzer goes off. "I got it, I got it!" Katniss tears down the hall to the front door, her heels announcing her usually quiet approach. "Hi, I'm glad you found the place," she greets her date.
"Are you ready to go?" he asks with a deep voice. I want to look, but don't want to seem tooconcerned. Instead, Finnick uses the front camera of his iPhone to spy.
"Just a second. Guys?" Katniss asks as Finnick and I pretend to be watching the game. I get a good look at him. He's tall with black hair, grey eyes and zero tattoos. He doesn't even fall into any of Katniss's 'ideals' or 'preferences'. "Peeta, Finnick, for shit's sake, they're going to crap out in three weeks before they get good at the end, wild card into the playoffs and roll over on their backs while the Rangers, the Penguins or the Bruins rub their bellies!" That gets our attention.
"That is blasphemy!" Finnick gasps, feigning interest. Unfortunately, Katniss is right, but I'll never admit it.
"And this is Gale. We're leaving now. Remember to lock the door, and I have my keys," she sing-songs, jingling her busted up Phillies keychain.
"Stay safe and use protection!" Finnick teases on their way out. We hear the door slam and he slaps his knees, "Alright, let's hit the bar."
It's pretty easy to locate a bar anywhere in any city, though 90% of them are shit. Finnick has dragged me everywhere from dive bars to the few velvet rope clubs in our fine city. Today, he's dragging me and his girlfriend to Finnigan's.
"He only comes here because when he's drunk he can remember both the bar's name and his own," Annie teases, hopping up on a bar stool.
"That's not it! Best happy hour in the city," he grins, "Which we missed because Peeta had to give the stink eye to Katniss' new boy toy!"
"Actually, we didn't. Happy hour starts at nine," the bartender announces as he sets down my pint. "Two dollar Yuenglings until eleven!"
Annie swivels on her stool, "You're pathetic," she smiles.
"Seconded." Finnick agrees.
"Shut up, both of you."
"No, you shut up," he scolds. "First of all, don't you tell my girlfriend to shut up when she's giving you real life advice. Peeta Mellark, you're one pathetic asshole. You love this girl, you two have been banging for as long as I've known you, yet you still watch her go out with losers and get hurt. Damn, man, grow a set!"
"Why? What good will it do? I tell her how I feel, she gets weirded out or mad, or better yet 'Katniss mad', which we all know is about two degrees under thermonuclear. Then my best friend of damn near eighteen years sees me as the biggest mistake of her life and…" I stop, downing my pint before I can make myself feel shittier about this whole thing.
"What if you both are playing the longest game of sexual chicken? You've banged already, but don't want to chase each other off," Annie finishes as Finnick blinks and leans back in his chair.
"Yes! Oh God, baby, you're a genius!" They high five each other behind my back. "Can I get another round up in this jawn?"
"And that's how I lost all respect for Finnick Odair," Annie groans, rolling her eyes. Here in Philadelphia, jawn can be used for any noun. It's not as common as it used to be, but still so annoying.
Though I have to be up for work at six, we don't leave until last call. It's 2:30 by the time we get back to the apartment and Katniss still isn't home. In fact, she finally stumbles in the door wearing a sports coat after I get home from work at three. "I-um… It's not what it looks like?"
She goes to take off her black heels, while I take out my phone to immortalize this 'Walk of Shame'. "Peeta, you're an ass!"
"What? Finnick requested photographic evidence of you returning home safe!" I go to send it to him and she chases after me.
"You're an ass, Mellark!" she hisses as I run to my bedroom, closing the door. She's right on my heels, though, tackling me. Somehow, in the struggle to keep my phone away from her, we end up so she's straddling me.
"Oh, Katniss, you know the deal. I'm off limits now." She narrows her eyes and reaches up to untie the top of her halter, the strings falling and exposing her breasts. "Yeah, those are nice. But like I said, off limits. Now, do you want to-"
"Whoa! Dude, at least close the fucking door!" I sit up a little so I can look around Katniss, who is covering her chest with her arms.
"Don't you work?" Katniss snaps.
"Didn't anyone ever teach you to have the decency to ring if you're not coming home? Poor Peeta and I were up all night worried sick!"
Katniss reties her top and that's that. The last form of sexual contact we'll have until Gale and Katniss break up.
My original guess of three weeks comes and goes, as does Finnick's of two months. In fact, six months goes by and Katniss starts packing her things. "Are you sure about this?" I ask as she tapes the last box closed. For the first time since we were kids, I'll be living away from her.
"I'm positive, Peeta. I love him. You should really try to like Gale, he's a nice guy."
"That's what you said about Neck-Tattoo, and Cato and…"
Katniss snorts. "What was your bet on him?"
"Two weeks…" I answer sheepishly.
"Well…" she lifts one of the boxes, stacking it on another. "It's going to be a lot longer than two weeks."
"Oh?" I ask skeptically. We aren't filling Katniss' room. Annie decided to move in, since her rent was skyrocketing. She'd share Finnick's room with him, leaving the empty void at the end of the hall.
No more five am cleaning sessions or her charging down the stairs. No more singing in the shower or us waking each other up for sex. "You really…should try to be civil with Gale. You know, talk to him? I know you can do it, you talk for four hours straight every Monday through Friday."
I shrug and she sighs. "Listen, I have to get to work. Be safe. I'm here if you need me…" I hug her tightly, trying to memorize the feeling of her body against mine, her smell, everything.
"You've been here with me every step of the way since we were kids, Peeta. It's time for me to spread my wings and fly…"
And fly she does.
Before I know it, May arrives, along with the most important day for my radio station, a massive outdoor concert we call MMRBQ. Of course, every DJ is in attendance, giving their own little plugs in shifts. Once mine's over, I head backstage. A small blonde follows me. She's curvy and the light rain that fell a half hour before has made her cream-colored Shinedown t-shirt see through. "I'm Delly," she tells me while I sip on a beer. I'm not on the air anymore today. Hell, I could leave now if I want, but I can't stop staring at her breasts. Maybe that's why she's wearing a lace bra, and why my damp jeans are tightening.
She's a really nice girl, but I still fuck her with no empathy in a dark, secluded corner backstage while Godsmack performs Katniss' and my go-to 'get high' song. It adds to the emptiness, I guess.
I bring Delly home with me. She's nice, bringing a light into the apartment. But every time I take her on the bed, I could only try and replace her with Katniss. That soon fades away as our pseudo-relationship evolves until we go our separate ways.
Apparently, she felt like I was with her but not with her. Finnick and Annie try to pull me out of my stink because apparently I've been miserable to be around this last year. Just after Halloween, I get a call from Katniss. "Can I come over?" she asks quietly, her cellphone crackling a little. I guess her signal is a little dodgy in Center City.
"Sure. I have to leave for work in three hours…"
"Oh, it won't be long."
I hate to admit it, but our slow separation has done wonders for Katniss. Or maybe it's because I haven't seen her in a while. My brain still thinks of her as the quirky little stoner slash lab tech. She's wearing tight jeans and an argyle sweater.
Gale has turned my Katniss into a yuppie.
She hugs me tightly, the usual bit of give her skin had from her healthy layer of fat has been replaced by hard corners and cold fingers. I pretend to be happy; I couldn't let Katniss know how much this is destroying me, this last hellish year.
"You've lost weight!" I exclaim as she spins around.
"Yeah, that's what happens when I go running and stop smoking weed morning, noon and night. Speaking of which… wow, this place smells clean."
"Yeah, Annie…" I look around. "Annie's great. Finnick's lucky to have her, but please don't change the subject." Running would give her muscle like when she was a teen, but this is from just plain not eating.
"I'm getting married, right before Christmas," she blurts out, covering her mouth with her hands. I can see her engagement ring; an innocent, clear little clear that shatters my life.
The girl I love, the girl I've been too coward to tell for fear of losing her is marrying another man.
Fuck.
"Peeta… say… something?"
"I don't know what to say," I snap, though not meaning to. "It's a little soon, don't you think?"
"Peeta!" She balls her fist, shaking a little. "For fuck's sake! You spent all of our time in college betting on how long my relationships would last. Now I have something good and you're pissy!?" There are tears welling in her eyes. Oh no…
"I thought you would be happy for me!" she hisses, heading for the door. She opens it and holds on to the edge, standing half inside the house and half out, though we've never been so far apart in our lives. "Gale's not a cheater, he doesn't do drugs, he has a good job, and I-I love him." There's a small crack in her voice, uncertainty she's hiding behind her pride. "I have to go. I have a dress fitting in forty-five minutes."
"You're… you're not wearing your mother's dress?"
She grips the door and looks away, but not before I can see a flash of pain. "No. Figured new Katniss, new dress. Mom won't know either way…" she snaps before leaving, slamming the door behind her.
Chase after her. Stop this… you know it's wrong. You heard her, you saw the look in her eyes.Instead, I just stand there and let her slip through my fingers.
That wasn't Katniss, that wasn't my Katniss. I stare at the door, her uneasy posture burned in my mind when I brought up her mother's wedding dress. Since we were young, Katniss has always wanted a piece of her late mother at the ceremony. She wanted to marry someone in the same dress that her mother wore when she married her father. What happened to you, Katniss?
Two weeks later, just to rub salt in the wounds, a pretty little wedding invitation arrives; all white with a silver border.
Katniss Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne request your presence to share in the celebration of their marriage on… I toss it on the kitchen table. Finnick and Annie can go and have a good time. I don't need to go see two strangers get married, even if one of them is my childhood best friend turned fuck buddy that I've quietly loved, which got me in this terrible fucking situation.
"Dude, slow down! You'll drink yourself dead…"
I feel dead… God, just forget her. Move on, you idiot, she's gone. You waited too long and she slipped through your fingers…
I glare at Finnick and down another pint. "You should go. She's your best friend," he tells me.
"She's my best friend, who moved out and I barely saw. I didn't hear from until she showed up at our house to tell me she's engaged," I slam down my drained glass, "You and Annie can go. I want no part of that. You should have seen her… she… it was just off."
I buy another beer, and another and another until I can't feel anything. I guess this is what heartbreak feels like, a whole damn year of it.
Poor Finnick had to drag me home that night, long after I blacked out.
I wake up with a pounding headache and a new found rage. Maybe towards the end I wasn't her best friend, just someone she had sex with since she didn't have the decency to introduce me properly to her fiancé.
Next thing I know, it's right before her wedding. Tomorrow night is the rehearsal dinner that I'm skipping. Even though I hurt, I still love Katniss. But no matter how selfish it sounds, I'm just not strong enough to watch her marry another man.
There's a soft knock at the door right after I get home from work, and Katniss barges in a second later. "Peeta!" she calls out, wandering into the living room where I'm trying to take off my boots.
"Breaking and entering… that's a new one…"
"Peeta Mellark!" she hisses, "I've known you since… since my Mom and Dad died. You're my best friend and…" she hugs herself, the cold wind blowing through the house. "We've done everything together since we were four. We even went to the same fucking college because we don't know how to be without each other. I can't get married without you there…" she pauses, looking down at her feet. "I always dreamed you would be there… and that you would be happy…" she mumbles.
I snort, here we go. "I want you to be there when I get married, too. I dream about it, you'd be in your mother's dress. It doesn't matter anymore."
Her head snaps up and she studies me for a minute. "You… but… when we were younger, we were just joking…"
"Sure, when we were younger. But Katniss, I've loved you since we were teenagers…"
She slaps me, hard. "Don't do this! Don't guilt me because you can't stand to see me happy!"
"I'm not guilting you, and congratulations on being happy. Now get the fuck out of my house…" It kills me to say this to her. "Or I will. I can't be in the same room with you. I can't look at you knowing…" I take a deep breath, "Just leave. Now. Goodbye, Katniss. Have a good life…"
She stares at me for a minute, clutching her coat around her before running from the house and leaving the door ajar. I watch her run away into the frigid December rain and quietly close the door.
I pull out my phone and delete her number so my soon-to-be obliterated mind doesn't drunk dial her. Next, I call Finnick. "Well, I told her," I say, after he answers.
"And…"
"She slapped me and I told her if she didn't leave the house, I would. I told her goodbye and to have a good life."
Finnick sighs. "Want us to come and keep you company?"
"No," I tell him bluntly, "I'll see you tomorrow." I hang up and head upstairs. I turn my radio on just as 'Voodoo' comes on. I rip the radio out of the wall and throw it into the corner. I hear glass shatter but I just can't care. I'll buy another bong, maybe.
I let go of all previous notions of machoism and actually cry. I've spent years hiding how I felt for Katniss in order to protect our friendship… Maybe if I told her, she'd be here… Maybe if I fought harder… Maybe if I didn't… My mind finally gives way to exhaustion as I'm lulled to sleep by the sound of rain beating against the window.
Finnick and Annie are home in the morning, quietly buzzing around the house. I don't have to work today. I should, but I called out knowing I'd be a snarky asshole for my four hours, which isn't good for ratings. They don't talk to me until right before they leave for the rehearsal dinner.
"Are you sure you don't want to pop in? It could be a nice little olive branch…" Finnick offers.
I'm lying on the couch, my face pressed up against the back. "Finnick, if you ask one more time, I'm changing the locks…"
I listen to the evening news, two episodes of The Simpsons and whatever Fringe was on before I hear pounding at the door. It hasn't stopped raining since Katniss ran out last night; one of those annoying, freezing rains that coats the electricity wires with ice. The power would definitely going out soon.
I open the door and there stands Katniss, wearing only a long sleeved black dress and heels, soaked to the core. "Katniss, I can't fight anymore… I ca-"
She presses an icy finger to my lips. God, no body heat comes off her. I look at the V-neck of her dress, her bones clearly visible. Oh, Katniss… My Katniss… "The wedding is off," she tells me. I lean on the door, not ready to let her inside, even in this weather. I want her to feel as cold as I do.
"I'm sorry?" I ask.
"A marriage can't be successful if someone's in love with someone else…" Her eyes are red around the edges. She's so wet that I can't tell if they are fresh tears or just the aftermath of old ones.
"I'm sorry. It's not fair that another guy hurt you…"
"I'm not… hurt, that is. At least, I don't think so…" The lights inside the house are bright for a second before they cut out completely. Great… just great. Katniss rests one of her icy cold hands on my chest. "Peeta, I've been in love with you since we were making mud pies in your backyard. I was just too afraid you didn't…"
I pull her to me, her dress quickly soaking through my sweatshirt and undershirt. I close the door behind us and clutch her shivering body to me. I stroke her hair and realize it's separated into frozen clumps. "Let's get you some dry clothes…" I murmur. She kicks off her heels and bends to place them in the corner like she would if she still lived here.
"Did you walk the whole way here?"
"Ran…" she says and shivers violently. I scoop her up into my arms, not trusting her to navigate up the stairs on her frozen legs.
Her dress peels off like a second skin, showing just how underfed she is. "Katniss… why this?" I ask, stroking her ribs.
"I felt so… so lost that I couldn't eat…" she whispers as I dig around for a smaller pair of sweats. She strips naked and covers herself with her arms. "Can we talk once I'm dressed?"
"Do you want Pink Floyd or Flyers?"
She grabs the bright orange 'Guess what? We don't like you either!' shirt and pulls it over her head. It would be tight on me, but looks like a sack on her. She tugs up the sweats I give her and has to keep doing so after every couple of steps.
I work on lighting every single candle we have while Katniss sits at the kitchen table, looking like a lost puppy. We don't have a fireplace, so we settle for bringing blankets down and chugging tea. Thankfully, this place does have a gas stove. "Talk," I say after setting her mug in front of her.
"I went for every guy that didn't remind me of you… because if you saw that I could be happy with someone, you would be happy, or you wouldn't think that I was hung up on you. I wanted you to think that you weren't my 'type.'" She stops to take a loud sip of her tea. "It made things easier when we came back if you thought I didn't really want you…"
I sigh and look up from my own mug. I can only see her in the dim candlelight, "Sounds familiar…"
"So… after Cato, I saw how you bent over backwards to make me happy again. It consumed your life and I couldn't do that… so I decided I needed something more long term. Someone who wasn't a cokehead or an asshole, but still didn't remind me of you…"
"Gale?"
"You and he are night and day. I probably moved things along faster than I should have. He said 'move in' and I jumped at the chance. He proposed and I pushed for a fast wedding… but I didn't know. Peeta, I never wanted to hurt you… I'm so sorry…" I reach across the table and take her hand, lacing my fingers with hers.
"It doesn't matter now…"
"Can you trust me?" she asks, sniffing a little.
I feel myself smile. "How could I not? How did he take it when you left him?"
"He pulled the plug. When I came home after telling you about the engagement, he knew something was off… I was depressed, confused, and alone. I don't know how to survive without you, Peeta. Last night, I came home and cried on the couch until morning. Gale told me that true love comes along once in a lifetime and he couldn't be the one to steal someone else's. I handed him my engagement ring and ran here… Well, I took a bus, but I got on the wrong one…" She starts rambling about not being able to navigate the city anymore, so I lean across the table and silence her with my lips.
"Katniss… I love you, but you ramble when you're nervous."
She stiffens and just when I'm afraid I've lost her again, she smiles. "I love you, too…"
We wrap ourselves in blankets and lay on the couch, her on top of me. I cautiously wrap my arms around her when she nuzzles into my chest. I take it as a good sign and start drawing lines up and down her back. We sit in comfortable silence until she rests her chin on my sternum. I can't discern the look on her face until she sits up, lifting up her shirt and tossing it to the side. She still has the lines in her skin from her bra and underwear, deep red grooves from the elastic digging into her thin skin and ribs.
She stands. "Sit up…" she tells me as she drops her pants.
"Katniss, no. I'm not doing that anymore. I want you to want me. I want you to have sex with me because you need me, not to forget."
Here's the love of my life, completely naked in front of me and I'm telling her no. She presses a cold finger to my lips. "I don't want to forget, Peeta. I want to remember what it's like. I want to feel…" she whispers. "So please, sit up…" She's so confusing sometimes, so absolutely absurd, I couldn't help but listen.
She kneels in front of me and pulls at the elastic waist of my pants. I lift myself up a little so she can slide my pants off. Unfortunately, due to the stress, I don't immediately 'rise to the occasion'. I try not to show my embarrassment, but this has never happened before. Katniss reaches her hands up, placing them on my shoulder before traveling down to my abdomen, sending shivers through my body. She grips my flaccid cock and kisses the head before taking it in her mouth.
Oh God, I've missed this. Warmth quickly spreads through me and I feel myself grow hard in her mouth. She looks up at me, proud. "You look so cute when you blush…" she whispers and climbs on top of me.
I hold her hips against my better judgment, keeping myself from entering her. "Katniss, are you sure?"
She gives me a dead serious look before her lips tug up into a shy smile. "We've done this so many times… but it feels so… new…" She's right. This would be the first time where we're being honest with each other. I want to savor every moment, knowing that she could very well change her mind again.
She relaxes her legs and I help her onto me. The only noises in the silent house are our moans, which become muffled by our mouths. Her tongue rubs against mine as her nails gently scratch at the back of my head while we both take in the feeling of each other.
She begins to move, slowly at first, grinding her hips into me while I map the soft skin on her back with the tips of my fingers. She never picks up the pace; every kiss, every brush of the hand is deliberate and oh-so-tender. There are very few moments when we're not kissing.
She digs her nails into my shoulders and breaks the kiss only to moan as she rides out her orgasm. It's beautiful how her eyes squeeze shut and her lips form a perfect 'O' as she presses her torso into me. The sensation of her sends me over the edge.
We lay back down, wrapping our now sweaty bodies in layers of sheets. She rests her head against my chest and I play with her hair. Neither of us says a word, unable to say everything we need to, but perhaps we already have. I continue playing with her hair until all I hear is her quiet, even breathing and the occasional snore. I fall asleep soon after she does, only to be woken up by Finnick and Annie coming home an hour later.
They're quiet, as if they know what to expect. I crack an eye as Annie peeks over the couch. "Is she asleep?" Annie whispers.
"Yeah…" I stroke Katniss' hair a little, which is now almost dry.
"We were worried. She ran into the freezing rain just before the power cut out. SEPTA's shut down, so we had to call a cab. We tried to text you." To be honest, I had no idea where my cellphone was. "You two are good?"
I nod. "Can I go back to sleep now?"
"Yeah… I'll bring a quilt down. It's going to get colder…" I'm out again before Annie can bring down the comforter from my bed.
The power is still out in the morning and just as I expected, Katniss is distant as well. "We should go get coffee, since they have power a few streets over. Wawa?" Finnick suggests.
"I don't have anything to wear…" Katniss sighs. "I'll just stay here," she mumbles, pulling the blanket around her more and continuing to stare at a spot on the wall. We all exchange looks as Katniss gets up from the table and quietly heads upstairs. The floor creaks as she makes her way to her old room. It's dark and bare, the last place she should be alone.
"I'll go try and shake her out of it…" I sigh.
"Yeah, with your dick." Finnick jokes. I don't even acknowledge him.
Upon entering the room, she's wrapped up on the bare mattress. The only things poking out of the sheets are her nose and tear stained eyes. I hear the front door open and close and lay down in front of her so we're facing each other. "Are you going to share?"
She squirms a little before offering me some of her many blankets and pressing her body against mine. "I have nothing… all of my clothes are at Gale's, and my other stuff is in a storage unit in his name," she chuckles. "But strangely, I feel okay. Just… I should be at the salon right now…"
I stroke her cheek with my thumb. "You can still make it… if you want…" the words tumble out.
"I don't. My toes are numb, I haven't eaten or showered yet, but this is where I want to be…" She leans in, but I close the gap between our lips. It's sweet at first, chaste and innocent. As she presses her body against mine and breaks the kiss, her shell suddenly cracks causing her chest to heave with a desperate sob.
All I can do is hold her close as she cries over a break up for the first time since I met her. Yet I know these tears aren't for only Gale; they're for Neck Tattoo, How Does He Have Two Gauges in His Ear, Cato, Tribal Armband, Yankees Hat, and all the others she's tried to distract herself with.
God, how have we been so stupid?
"Shhh… Katniss, it's okay. Let it all out."
The storm quits in the afternoon and by some miracle, PECO has the power on before the sun goes down. Two days later, everything Katniss owns shows up on the doorstep along with a letter from Gale wishing her well and threatening my life if I hurt her. He would be leaving for Denver after the New Year.
New Year's Eve arrives and Finnick talks us all into going out to the bar. Katniss and I manage to hide away from the rest of the group until midnight. The whole bar counts down from thirty and when we reach the New Year, I kiss her as if no one's watching.
"Come on, he's going to choke," Finnick taunts. As we snap apart, he hands us each a beer. "To new beginnings," he toasts.
The four of us tap the bases of our bottles together. Katniss gives me a sheepish smile before taking a sip.
Two Years Later
I can't hear a thing, as my mind is too focused on the closed doors. Any second now, any second…My eyes go to my family. My mother is holding on to my father's hand for dear life, while my two brothers and Finnick are at my side. The first one to come through the door is Annie, followed by Katniss' younger sister, Prim. Finally I see her, dressed in the same white gown her mother wore when she married her father. Her uncle, Haymitch Abernathy, holds onto her like she's going to float away.
When she finally reaches the altar, Katniss hands Prim her bouquet. "You kept your promise…" she tells me quietly.
"To show up on time?"
She shakes her head. "No. When we were kids, you told me you were going to marry me one day… and here we are…" We're talking through the opening prayer, not that either of us really mind.
"Amen…" we say with the rest of our witnesses.
I take her hand and wink before kissing her engagement ring. She blushes a little and smiles, "Ribbit."
Her musical laughter echoes off the walls of the church, disrupting our wedding ceremony.
It took us about five minutes to become friends, a handful of years to fall in love, though we were too young to know. Sixteen years to start sleeping together, the easiest and most logical alternative to telling someone how you feel. Almost six years for our agreement to fall apart, and only a few short weeks to put the puzzle that was our friendship back together.
I finally had Katniss in my arms. Once we felt what it was like to be together without restraint, we knew there was no turning back. It took eight months for me to find the courage to propose to her. She needed a few days to think it over, having left someone practically at the altar less than a year earlier. She showed up at the radio station two days after my initial proposal, worming her way through security, still wearing her lab coat from work. When she told me 'yes', I almost interrupted 'Bulls On Parade' by Rage Against the Machine to tell all of Greater Philadelphia.
It took a year and a half to get Katniss to walk down the aisle. I know there's been pain and confusion in our past. I know everything would have been much more simple if we had been brave enough to tell each other how we felt years ago. But truthfully, I wouldn't change a damn thing if it meant not ending up right here.
Notes:
Remember you can leave your complaints in your head or in my askbox or at Falafelwaffelfics
SEPTA: South Eastern Pennsylvania Transport Authority. They're how we get from point A to point b in Philadelphia and the greater Philadelphia region. Taxi's exist but you can't really hail them too well.
Reading Terminal Market: It's pronounced red-ing. I could write an entire essay on this. Reading Terminal Market is the greatest thing in Philadelphia. I mean the historical landmarks are nice, and the Mütter Museum, and the Franklin Institute but you can get any food you could ever want at Reading. Like any food. Ever. EVER!
WMMR: 93.3. Amazing radio station. This is Peeta's work.
MMRBQ: Gigantic kickass one day music fest. Last year I got amazing weed from a guy there, but that's not the story.
Camden: Don't go there. Seriously, don't go there unless you're going to the Aquarium, the Susquehanna Bank Center, or the USS New Jersey.
Jersey Driver: Fuck them.
Sitar India: Amazing Indian restaurant right near the campus of U Penn. Best buffet I've ever been to, except the woman got angry at me once for drinking too much soup.
Market-Frankford (MFL): Part of SEPTA, a little sketchy at times but then again most of SEPTA gets sketchy at times.
Phillies: GODS
Eagles: Who?
Flyers: My personal Jesuses
The 6ers: Don't exist
Finnigan's Wake: Pretty good Irish Pub themed bar, gets a little loud and clubby though, good drink specials.
Yuengling: We Pennsylvanians love this beer. Not sure why, it's just kind of beer.
Wawa: It has everything, and it's amazing. Best hoagies ever. Cheep and delicious.
PECO: Pa electric company. They will leave you in the dark for days.