Love is a Two Way Street
By: Ian K.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Yes-For the series up to the present.
Disclaimer: I did not create Farscape, the universe of Farscape, or its characters. I merely borrowed them for this story, for which I will receive no monetary compensation. No infringement of copyright intended.
Summary: John and Aeryn have a conversation about why he can't trust her with his heart at the moment.
Timeframe: Between Natural Election and John Quixote.
***********************
John Crichton sat at one of the tables in the maintenance bay, adjusting one of the components for his module. He was finally close to getting the ship back into working order, and had decided to put in a couple of arns of work into it before going to bed.
As he worked, John hear footsteps come into the room. They came in confidently, then froze. After a few moments, John heard the footsteps start to move away slowly. He recognized who it was.
"Aeryn," said John, without turning around. The departing footsteps stopped. "Was there something you needed?"
"Um, yes," said Aeryn, coming into the room. "I left a micro driver in here. I'm doing some maintenance on my pulse pistol. But, I didn't...want to disturb you."
"Its alright," said John, still not turning around. "Go ahead."
Aeryn nodded her head and walked over to a table to retrieve the tool. She was about to turn to walk out, when she decided to speak.
"Frell!" she said with a frustrated tone.
John turned around. "Something the matter?" he asked.
"Yes, of course there is!" said Aeryn. "This...distance, between us. You and me. We've been avoiding one another for a weeken now, and when we are around each other, we don't talk! I can't stand it anymore, John. We need to talk about this."
John put down the component and tool he was working on, then looked back at Aeryn. "Fine," he said. "Are you ready to tell me everything? The no bull shit story about where you went, what happened, what you were doing. Are you going to talk to me?"
Aeryn put her hands on her head in frustration, then let them drop back down to her side, her hands slapping her pants. "I CAN'T! I can't tell you. I promised someone I wouldn't! Why can't you understand that?"
John turned and went back to working on his component. "Then we have nothing more to discuss for now."
Aeryn, not ready to give up, walked over to the table. She grabbed the component and tool out of Crichton's hands and slammed them on the table. "John, if I can't keep my word to someone, then how could you trust me!? Yet, you say the only way that you can trust me with your heart is if I divulge a secret I swore to keep! I gave my word!"
"Yes, you did!" said John with a frustrated tone, getting up from the table. "You gave your word to me, and you broke it!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Aeryn.
John was about to explode into a tirade, but let out a deep breath and calmed down. He had to make her understand, but he had to do it in just the right way. He wasn't really angry with Aeryn, just frustrated and hurt, and he had express that in the right tone.
"I remember..." began John, "what we said to one another, not long before you died on that ice planet. I said that 'I would be lost without you.' Remember what you said?"
Aeryn was silent for a few moments, remembering that painful day that seems so long ago now. And so much happened in the space between then and now. But, she did remember. "I said that 'you would never be lost.'"
"Right," said John. "Then, you end up leaving me. You broke your word to me. Twice. Once, when you left on Talyn. And on that occasion, you ran off without another man."
"I ran off with you, John Crichton," said Aeryn. "The one and the same man."
John shook his head. "You may not see a difference between me and the other now, but I still do. I wasn't on Talyn, with you, as your lover. I missed that dance, remember. I was here...on Moya, without you. And I was lost."
He turned around, and put his hands on the work bench. Aeryn just stared at him with a dumbstruck expression. Without looking at her, John continued. "You know how it felt, for me to be here, knowing that you were with him. Another me, but not me. I knew...in my heart, I knew you were with him. I knew the two of you were....together. Do you know how much that hurt me? Have you even considered it?"
There was no venom in his voice, only sadness. Aeryn continued to stand silently, realizing that she hadn't really given this much thought. She hadn't considered this John's point of view on the whole thing.
John turned around and looked at her again. "I remember," he said, "after you came back to life, the miracle that brought you back to me, but cost Zhaan her life. You said that we couldn't act on our love for one another, that it would put us all at risk to let our emotions distract us from the job of survival. But then, you run off with him, and you act on it. So, there was another time when you didn't keep your word."
"John, I..." began Aeryn.
"When you were with him, did you even think about the fact that there was another John Crichton here on Moya, who loved you just as much, who you declared your love to before I was twinned? How do I know you are not just settling for me, because I am your second choice, while the other was your first choice? And what if the other John had survived? What...you would have thrown me out like the leftover trash?"
Tears began streaming from Aeryn's eyes and down her cheek. Then, with a sob, she said. "I...I didn't even think about it."
"That's the problem, Aeryn," said John, but still with no animosity towards Aeryn. He spoke in an understanding tone. "You...have learned so much about love, Aeryn. You have learned what it feels like for you to be in love, to be with someone as a lover. You have even learned what it feels like to loose people you love. Zhaan, the other me. But, you haven't learned one thing that is so important when you love someone. You haven't learned to consider the feelings of the other person you love, to see things from their point of view. Its still all about you in your mind, and real love can't work like that. It has to be a two way street, each person considering not only themselves, but the other."
John stepped closer to her, as Aeryn began to cry more openly.
"Now, I'm not claiming perfection on this point, but...at least I understand the pain you endured when the other one died, and the confusion you felt when you came back to Moya, and saw me waiting for you. I didn't like the way you acted towards me, but I understood it, or at least I tried to. That's why I tried to give you time to work things out in your own way. But, then you run off again. You broke your word to me again, not to leave me. And now, you won't tell me where you were, or what you were doing while you were gone. Yet, now that you are back, you want everything to be alright between us, you want us to be together. You tell me you're ready. But I'm not. I won't be able to trust you...to be with you, until you start showing me you understand, that you can consider my feelings. And I can't know that...until you open up to me, and not keep secrets from me. Do you understand?"
Aeryn eyes were overflowing with tears now, and her face was filled with grief and confusion. She couldn't believe that she had been so...heartless, so uncaring about what John was going through.
"John, I'm...I'm so sorry, for...hurting you," said Aeryn, her voice wracked with sobs. "I thought....I thought I had changed! I thought I was a better person, but now I learn that...that...I'm really not. That I really don't know or understand love, that I am this cold, heartless..."
"No, Aeryn," said John, putting his arms on Aeryn's shoulders. "Baby, I'm not trying to make you feel like you are a horrible person. You're not. Its just...you still have a lot to learn about love. I wish I could take you as you are, and let you learn as we are together. But...I've been burned already, and I don't know if my heart can take much more pain. So, I need a sign from you that you can do it. I need reassurance that you can reach that point of trying to understand and empathize with my feelings as I have with yours. I need to know that I can trust you with my heart. You need to open up to me, tell me everything I need to know. Are you ready to do that?"
Aeryn looked at John with sad eyes, not saying anything at first. Finally, she reached up her hand, and touched his face. "Please, John...try to understand. I gave my oath that I would keep a secret. I can't break that oath. I'm sorry."
John reached up, and slowly grasp Aeryn's hand that was cupping his cheek. He lowered it slowly, until it was away from his face. Then, John backed away from Aeryn.
"I'm sorry, too," said John.
Then, he turned and went back to work on the component. Aeryn stood there in the center of the room for several moments, breathing heavily and crying openly. Then, she slowly turned and walked out of the room, tears streaming down her face.
"Aeryn," said John, without turning around. "When you are ready to talk, I will be here, and I will listen. I do love you, Aeryn. I wish...that was enough for me, for both of us."
Aeryn was silent for a few moments. Then, softly, with a sob filled voice, she said, "I love you, too."
Aeryn swiftly left the room, continuing to cry. John turned and saw her just as she rounded the corner in the corridor outside of the maintenance bay. As he looked, a tear began rolling down his left cheek.
The End
By: Ian K.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Yes-For the series up to the present.
Disclaimer: I did not create Farscape, the universe of Farscape, or its characters. I merely borrowed them for this story, for which I will receive no monetary compensation. No infringement of copyright intended.
Summary: John and Aeryn have a conversation about why he can't trust her with his heart at the moment.
Timeframe: Between Natural Election and John Quixote.
***********************
John Crichton sat at one of the tables in the maintenance bay, adjusting one of the components for his module. He was finally close to getting the ship back into working order, and had decided to put in a couple of arns of work into it before going to bed.
As he worked, John hear footsteps come into the room. They came in confidently, then froze. After a few moments, John heard the footsteps start to move away slowly. He recognized who it was.
"Aeryn," said John, without turning around. The departing footsteps stopped. "Was there something you needed?"
"Um, yes," said Aeryn, coming into the room. "I left a micro driver in here. I'm doing some maintenance on my pulse pistol. But, I didn't...want to disturb you."
"Its alright," said John, still not turning around. "Go ahead."
Aeryn nodded her head and walked over to a table to retrieve the tool. She was about to turn to walk out, when she decided to speak.
"Frell!" she said with a frustrated tone.
John turned around. "Something the matter?" he asked.
"Yes, of course there is!" said Aeryn. "This...distance, between us. You and me. We've been avoiding one another for a weeken now, and when we are around each other, we don't talk! I can't stand it anymore, John. We need to talk about this."
John put down the component and tool he was working on, then looked back at Aeryn. "Fine," he said. "Are you ready to tell me everything? The no bull shit story about where you went, what happened, what you were doing. Are you going to talk to me?"
Aeryn put her hands on her head in frustration, then let them drop back down to her side, her hands slapping her pants. "I CAN'T! I can't tell you. I promised someone I wouldn't! Why can't you understand that?"
John turned and went back to working on his component. "Then we have nothing more to discuss for now."
Aeryn, not ready to give up, walked over to the table. She grabbed the component and tool out of Crichton's hands and slammed them on the table. "John, if I can't keep my word to someone, then how could you trust me!? Yet, you say the only way that you can trust me with your heart is if I divulge a secret I swore to keep! I gave my word!"
"Yes, you did!" said John with a frustrated tone, getting up from the table. "You gave your word to me, and you broke it!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Aeryn.
John was about to explode into a tirade, but let out a deep breath and calmed down. He had to make her understand, but he had to do it in just the right way. He wasn't really angry with Aeryn, just frustrated and hurt, and he had express that in the right tone.
"I remember..." began John, "what we said to one another, not long before you died on that ice planet. I said that 'I would be lost without you.' Remember what you said?"
Aeryn was silent for a few moments, remembering that painful day that seems so long ago now. And so much happened in the space between then and now. But, she did remember. "I said that 'you would never be lost.'"
"Right," said John. "Then, you end up leaving me. You broke your word to me. Twice. Once, when you left on Talyn. And on that occasion, you ran off without another man."
"I ran off with you, John Crichton," said Aeryn. "The one and the same man."
John shook his head. "You may not see a difference between me and the other now, but I still do. I wasn't on Talyn, with you, as your lover. I missed that dance, remember. I was here...on Moya, without you. And I was lost."
He turned around, and put his hands on the work bench. Aeryn just stared at him with a dumbstruck expression. Without looking at her, John continued. "You know how it felt, for me to be here, knowing that you were with him. Another me, but not me. I knew...in my heart, I knew you were with him. I knew the two of you were....together. Do you know how much that hurt me? Have you even considered it?"
There was no venom in his voice, only sadness. Aeryn continued to stand silently, realizing that she hadn't really given this much thought. She hadn't considered this John's point of view on the whole thing.
John turned around and looked at her again. "I remember," he said, "after you came back to life, the miracle that brought you back to me, but cost Zhaan her life. You said that we couldn't act on our love for one another, that it would put us all at risk to let our emotions distract us from the job of survival. But then, you run off with him, and you act on it. So, there was another time when you didn't keep your word."
"John, I..." began Aeryn.
"When you were with him, did you even think about the fact that there was another John Crichton here on Moya, who loved you just as much, who you declared your love to before I was twinned? How do I know you are not just settling for me, because I am your second choice, while the other was your first choice? And what if the other John had survived? What...you would have thrown me out like the leftover trash?"
Tears began streaming from Aeryn's eyes and down her cheek. Then, with a sob, she said. "I...I didn't even think about it."
"That's the problem, Aeryn," said John, but still with no animosity towards Aeryn. He spoke in an understanding tone. "You...have learned so much about love, Aeryn. You have learned what it feels like for you to be in love, to be with someone as a lover. You have even learned what it feels like to loose people you love. Zhaan, the other me. But, you haven't learned one thing that is so important when you love someone. You haven't learned to consider the feelings of the other person you love, to see things from their point of view. Its still all about you in your mind, and real love can't work like that. It has to be a two way street, each person considering not only themselves, but the other."
John stepped closer to her, as Aeryn began to cry more openly.
"Now, I'm not claiming perfection on this point, but...at least I understand the pain you endured when the other one died, and the confusion you felt when you came back to Moya, and saw me waiting for you. I didn't like the way you acted towards me, but I understood it, or at least I tried to. That's why I tried to give you time to work things out in your own way. But, then you run off again. You broke your word to me again, not to leave me. And now, you won't tell me where you were, or what you were doing while you were gone. Yet, now that you are back, you want everything to be alright between us, you want us to be together. You tell me you're ready. But I'm not. I won't be able to trust you...to be with you, until you start showing me you understand, that you can consider my feelings. And I can't know that...until you open up to me, and not keep secrets from me. Do you understand?"
Aeryn eyes were overflowing with tears now, and her face was filled with grief and confusion. She couldn't believe that she had been so...heartless, so uncaring about what John was going through.
"John, I'm...I'm so sorry, for...hurting you," said Aeryn, her voice wracked with sobs. "I thought....I thought I had changed! I thought I was a better person, but now I learn that...that...I'm really not. That I really don't know or understand love, that I am this cold, heartless..."
"No, Aeryn," said John, putting his arms on Aeryn's shoulders. "Baby, I'm not trying to make you feel like you are a horrible person. You're not. Its just...you still have a lot to learn about love. I wish I could take you as you are, and let you learn as we are together. But...I've been burned already, and I don't know if my heart can take much more pain. So, I need a sign from you that you can do it. I need reassurance that you can reach that point of trying to understand and empathize with my feelings as I have with yours. I need to know that I can trust you with my heart. You need to open up to me, tell me everything I need to know. Are you ready to do that?"
Aeryn looked at John with sad eyes, not saying anything at first. Finally, she reached up her hand, and touched his face. "Please, John...try to understand. I gave my oath that I would keep a secret. I can't break that oath. I'm sorry."
John reached up, and slowly grasp Aeryn's hand that was cupping his cheek. He lowered it slowly, until it was away from his face. Then, John backed away from Aeryn.
"I'm sorry, too," said John.
Then, he turned and went back to work on the component. Aeryn stood there in the center of the room for several moments, breathing heavily and crying openly. Then, she slowly turned and walked out of the room, tears streaming down her face.
"Aeryn," said John, without turning around. "When you are ready to talk, I will be here, and I will listen. I do love you, Aeryn. I wish...that was enough for me, for both of us."
Aeryn was silent for a few moments. Then, softly, with a sob filled voice, she said, "I love you, too."
Aeryn swiftly left the room, continuing to cry. John turned and saw her just as she rounded the corner in the corridor outside of the maintenance bay. As he looked, a tear began rolling down his left cheek.
The End