Sane Inside Insanity

Prologue

My only love, sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
Prodigious birth of love it is to me
That I must love a loathed enemy.

-Juliet, Romeo and Juliet

You know that feeling you get when your heart has been wrenched from your chest? The hollowed-out feeling, as if your body and mind have separated, forming equally powerful, equally hurtful memories hanging forever above. Mocking you. The foreboding rain cloud haloing your meaningless existence. The kind of pain that doesn't go away. Him, the cursed organ beating rythmatically in my body, it was all the same. For he was my heart, my heart was he, both had abandoned me. Left me to wither away like a glass doll in the furthest, dustiest corner of a child's shelf.

It was like head-on collision, I just cant breathe.

My time was up. Death would've been merciful, a choice I have often considered in the furthest, darkest nook at the back of my conscience. Curiosity was my downfall; it lulled my mind into a pondering state, forced me to wonder what it would feel like. What death would feel like. Was I that bent on destruction- no, saving, myself? To look that one last look, to breathe the final breath.. So sweet it seems to me now.

1. The Harsh Toll of Heartbreak

O serpent heart, hid with a flow'ring face!
Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?
Beautiful tyrant! fiend angelical!
Dove-feathered raven! wolvish-ravening lamb!
Despised substance of divinest show!
Just opposite to what thou justly seem'st-
A damned saint, an honorable villain!
O nature, what hadst thou to do in hell
When thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend
In mortal paradise of such sweet flesh?
Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous place!

-Juliet, Romeo and Juliet

What to do, what to do? Crimson-coated nails, my nails, drummed against a rather boring textbook titled something so insignificant I hadn't even bothered to learn the name. The book's cover was routinely distressed, evidence at the crime scene where my nails had run rampant. Sharp, weren't they? Every single one of my school reading material had fallen to this level of damage. My life was to shit, might as well screw myself up further. It was a one-way spiral, and honey, all I could go was down.

My gaze met the eyes of a girl, relatively the same height, black hair, brown eyes. Her lips, pressed firmly together in a tight grimace, were painted red as blood. And where to start on her clothes?! A tight black zip-up sweater had ensnared the stormy stripes of her Playgirl top, having met dark jeans at the hip. Talk about a striking contrast between the pale flesh that occupied the shadowy attire!

A sick smile parted my full lips. I was looking at a mirror, staring at the tragedy of a girl that dared to call herself Bella. I was no beauty. He was beauty. And beauty, along with my heart and a few other of my more desirable qualities, had abandoned me.

"Well. Aren't you the prettiest little disaster?" I muttered in shame, growing increasingly angry with the girl glaring back at me.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I shouldn't have ended up this way, but I did. Everything happens for a reason, and consequence is a bitch. Me and Edward had everything going for us, excluding the near encounters with death, and the fact that he refused to change me. Sure, people wanted to kill us. But we were happy. And thats all I really wanted.

Edward had left with the hopes I would be safer in his absence, but he was only the beginning of my problems. First off, there was that little catatonic stage I went through, which had stimulated the night of his departure. His departure was like a hurricane; it doesn't leave you in the best of shape. My mind and my sanity hadn't been spared. I lost everything. Everything. I lost my mind, my friends, my temper, my life.. It had sifted like sand through my outstretched fingers, and when you let go of your handful, you'll never get the same pieces back, no matter how hard you try. Only I dont try. I never try. Trying meant pain, and I'm already knee-deep in it.

The girl's eyes flashed, flames of rage boiling deep within each pupil. Her teeth ground together, her knuckles clenched. So this was the reflection of what I had become. My eyes fell to the countertop, the bare marble surface silently poking fun at my torture. I had dropped my books carelessly on the floor. A wave of peace washed over me, pouring water on my flame, reducing it to burning ashes. I couldn't help but wonder if they had returned. They, as in the family that had ruined my very existence. Ruined my life. My blood boiled; I had a deliciously furious temper bubbling up and he had to go and rain on my parade! But then again, I was nearly always eerily calm, so it might be leftover from this morning, when Lauren tried to trip me and I sucker punched her with a content smile on my face. You know, calm. The usual. Each fist balled up at my side, draining the colour from my fingers and pushing each nail into my skin.

I was tired of looking at me. A fist to my right shot out, pounding the glass bearing my horrid expression, shattering the mirror into a million little pieces. Mimicking the result of the agony inflicted on my heart. I felt nothing. No pain, no remorse or regret at smashing the mirror in the girl's lavatory. Even as I drew my hand up, inspecting the damage: there was blood, and a few chunks of glass imbedded in my skin. I didn't bother to glance around me for witnesses, it didn't matter anyway, everyone expected this from me. There wasn't anyone in the bathroom besides myself, but there would be, so I didn't hesitate as I scooped up my books. Slowly, with grace only a broken teenager could own, I glided from the bathroom, veering to the left and heading straight for my locker. I hadn't bothered to hide my wounded hand, since it wasn't like anyone would look directly at it for any length of time. Everyone but a few had gotten used to the new me, and I wasn't going to cry off my black eyeliner because of it.

"Bella?" A cautious voice had aroused to my left. My black hair concealed a smirk so acidic it might literally burn that frown right off his lips. Amusing, how everyone at this pathetic place within a six-meter radius treaded with caution. They were right to be careful; wouldn't want to make a wrong move while in the danger zone.

"What do you want, Jacob?" An annoyed look tugged the corners of my lips down, the smirk now vanished into oblivion. I slammed the locker door shut, a metallic echo reverberating down the halls, now silent. I swear, you can hear a pin drop when that happens. Go on. Try it.

"Uh. Nevermind." He was afraid of me. I could tell by the way he turned, starting to quietly inch away. As if I'd let him go just yet.

"You've already wasted my time, lets not make the number count larger. What is it?" My reply was sharp, forcing him to halt in his tracks.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to, maybe.. Hang out?" Each word was spoken carefully, as if he had thought through this or practiced it in front of a mirror. Pathetic. Well, I had nothing on my agenda, and he was already my plaything. I could make him do whatever I wanted. Even with his werewolf powers, I was the master and he my slave. Not that I let him know, his confidence might decrease. Wouldn't want my little canine to mope around, now would I?

"Fine." My feet started to walk, and I didn't need to weave around my other classmates; they had parted to let me go.

"You want to hang?" Jacob's voice was incredulous, doubtful, that such a pretty thing like myself wanted to hang out with a rascal like him. Liar he was, treating me as if I was like some godlike creature. As if I were like him.

"No," His near-smile fell into a disappointed frown at my words. "But I dont have anything else to do." He was already close behind as I pushed open the school's double doors, walking into the embrace of a stormy sky. Another perfect day. It was close to raining, so I'd be sure to stand at the street corner, allowing myself to get drenched. Soaked to the bone, but I would enjoy it. Nothing like the numbing feeling of freezing water, momentarily relieving me of my pain.

"Aren't you going to get your homework?" An arm clasped firmly around my wrist. I ripped myself from Jacob's grasp.

"I don't do homework." A red truck waved to me from his parking spot; my truck, which I proceded to bee-line for. Jake followed close behind, rubbing where my nails had struck skin. Had I done that? Slinging myself into the driver's seat, I beckoned with my eyes to the passenger's side. He really needed to pick up the pace, or else I might just leave him there. Jerking the vehicle in reverse, I backed up, driving out of the parking lot to who knows where. Maybe to the cliffs were the LaPush kids hung out? Jake could tell me where it was, as directions and me weren't very compatible. We were driving in silence, for at least a half an hour or so. Onward bound!

"Bella.. You really need to get over him." Jacob had betrayed my emotions the moment those words left his lips. The truck screamed to a stop.

"What?" My jaw clenched, eyes aflame, tuning the angry shouts from fellow drivers out; they could maneuver around me. Edward was a touchy subject, not many had brought him up. He continued, undeterred, oblivious to the fury in my voice.

"The bloodsucker left you for good. Hes not coming back. Quit screwing yourself up because of what he did. I mean come on! Its not like he cares for you as much as I do. I was always there for you. And another thing!" Jacob babbled on with the conversation, but it was I who stopped listening. Even after I said the 'What', I had collapsed into myself. Crawled inside my shell.

"He doesn't deserve you." I couldn't take it anymore. My heartache was painful enough without him doing this. Saying these awful things. Bringing my truck to a stop by the curb, I gave him a pained smile.

"Jake? Could you open the door for me?" He would have to be brain dead to fall for this one.

"An unusual request, but sure." And the moment he had pulled back the handle, and pried the door loose, I snapped.

"You're wrong, Jacob. I don't deserve him." In one swift, fluid movement, my hand met his shoulder, shoving him out of the vehicle and onto the pavement. He must've realized by now that he should've kept his mouth shut. And the last thing I saw was his face, regretful as it may be, watching me leave him there.

The trip home was torture. I had nearly broken down behind the wheel, and the little voice inside my head urging me to visit that unforgiving place wasn't helping. I just wish I could shut out all the noises, make the pain go away. No, I take that back. I deserved pain. It was my fault he left, and pain was my redemption. My punishment. And as the car drove on, I reminisced, remembering faintly the time where I was carefree. I was happy, and I was in love. Oh, Edward.. I gripped the steering wheel, digging each nail into the black leather. Oh that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous place! Romeo was the number one man in my life now, even Charlie had ceased to be important. He blamed himself, mostly Edward, but still, he had nothing to do with it besides annoying the hell out of me. All I wanted was to be alone. To crawl up in a ball somewhere and be left alone.

Time passed. The rain tapped every so gently at my window, with the fingers of a small child. I drove by memory, unaware that some unseen force, perhaps my own, was dragging me back to the past. I was floating, my hands held the wheel, but I couldn't control them. My eyes shot to the passenger side, and a sugar-sweet face smiled his special smile. And in that moment, I lost control. The car screamed across the pavement. I couldn't see anything but Edward, and it sickened me. What the hell was he doing here, smiling like nothing was wrong? He just had to rub it in, how stupid and insignificant I was? But, oh.. Dull lust crackled in my eyes, burned in my gut. To think that I still desired his lips after these long months.. I reached out to touch him, swiping my fingers through thin air and recoiling as my truck careened through the bush. Pain jolted me to reality, my head had slammed against the windshield, however the wound wasn't deep, only little blood trickled down my forehead. I unbuckled my seatbelt. My beloved truck had smashed into a tree, well, hit it is more the right term. Smoke, or perhaps steam, hissed out from underneath the hood. I could live without it. A normal mind might undergo shock, don't you think? Do remember that I've experianced much worse, and my mind isn't normal. I still have the scars on my arm from the incident with Jasper, and whenever I touch them, I can remember the pain I felt that day. What I couldn't get over was my hallucination of Edward, bright as day, sitting next do me. Holding my hand just like when we went to our meadow. I pinched my arm, wincing, glancing around as if expecting someone to leap out at me. A wreck like me didn't deserve to call this brilliant, godlike place mine. I shared nothing with him, I was out of his league. Everyone was out of his league.

My hands fumbled for the door, unlatching it, and I tumbled from the vehicle, slapping my hand to my forehead with the hopes of making the pain go away. Just this once, would I have liked to feel somewhat sane. With great difficulty, I stood, legs wobbly, steadying myself by pushing my hand against the smushed door.

"Where.. Where am I?" I surprised myself by finding voice, softly touching two fingers to my head, and bringing them back to stare stupidly at the blood. Come on feet, move damn it, move! It was like teaching me how to walk again. A hard process I could do without. A moan escaped my lips, as I began my descent towards the ground. Two sturdy arms held me upright.

"Bella.. You really should be more careful. Totalling your truck isn't going to make things better." Came his gently scolding voice, his hands rubbing my back and helping me to my feet. I snarled, shoving myself away from Edward.

"This is all your FAULT Edward!" I screamed at him, staggering backwards. Another glance about told me all I needed to know; I was shrieking at no one. Edward wasn't here with me, nobody was. It was me all by my lonesome, shouting angrily to myself. This head of mine would be my downfall someday. Collecting myself as much as my conscience would allow, I wrapped my coat securely around myself. The rain came down softly, hesitantly, but it wouldn't be long before a downpour. I had to hurry. There was something I had to do. With my hand still glued to my head, I stumbled along, through the trees and brambles that seemed to claw at me with their twig-like fingernails.

"Please.. Just let me make it there." I sounded exhausted, breaking my steady pace into a run, fast as a human could through the forest. Over fallen logs, around mud puddles, weaving throughout the trees to make it. I was going to make it, I vowed that I would. Time ceased to become an importance, I didn't know how long I was running, nor did I care. I ran until my legs were sore, my hands raw. And finally I broke through the trees, falling over myself into our, his, meadow. It looked just like it always had, yet for some reason more sorrowful than the last time I had visited. The branches were still mighty, the trees still stood tall, the grass still grew green, and the flowers still sparkled prettily with the rain drops.

Edward was there waiting for me, his arms outstretched, beckoning me with soothing reassurings. I longed to be cradled within his embrace, and I greedily reached my fingers out. To touch him. To feel him beside me. Yet again, my fingers met air, and I drew them back with failing security. What was wrong with me was that I was hallucinating, seeing things that weren't really there.. Watching Edward call to me. It was all smoke and mirrors, a mirage, sent to destroy me from the inside out. Why did he still make me feel this way? My head snapped up, glaring hatefully at the sky. I fisted my hands at my sides, and let the rain beat down upon my cold face. The downpour had begun.

"You said you loved me Edward! You said you'd always be there for me!" I screamed to the heavens, throwing my fists down and pumping up the volume, scoring three octaves. My legs buckled, and I collapsed, falling on my knees.

"This is all your fault." I shakily spoke under my breath, tears welling up in my eyes. I could no longer feel my body anymore, everything was edging on the blurry side. My hair was soaked, my fingers numb.

"You said you loved me." Was my last, breathy whisper, before everything faded into a great, black oblivion. I had lain out, a troubled expression frozen on my face. The harsh beads of water had faded into gentle drops, caressing hair, washing away the blood. The tears. I was down for the count, and nobody was there to help me up.

A pair of sorrowful golden eyes continued to watch me, unnoticed, from the shadows of the trees.