Title: The Fruits of His Labour
Rating: FRK
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or situations that are familiar to you.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Oneshot. If she wanted to give him her special man enhancing smoothie, that was fine. The least he could do was repay the favour.
Four days.
96 hours.
5760 minutes.
Four freaking days and he could still taste that horrific smoothie; it hung in the back of his throat, coated his tongue and attached itself to his esophagus like a tentacled beast refusing to be swallowed.
Living in L.A. and surrounded by every kind of eatery imaginable, he'd had his fair share of awful concoctions and unpalatable entrees, but that green sludge of Kensi's was just repulsive. It probably wouldn't have been that bad had she realized that when it said 'Add the whole fruit' it didn't mean stems, pits and seeds. It might have been half decent - might - but the fact remained that it tasted all kinds of unpleasant and he was still tasting it days later.
No amount of alcohol, spicy dishes, or deep, robust coffee seemed to extinguish the taste, and each time he tasted it, he thought about what it was that he actually drank.
The Woody.
"This delicious blend will enhance every aspect of your life and help you stand tall, day and night."
Viagra in a glass.
As if he needed that.
He knew what her plan was; something she tried to do at least once a day. Make him seem like less of man. It was her running gag. If there was some way she could lightly emasculate him, she'd do it, all good natured and in relatively good taste. Sometime she succeeded, sometime she failed.
That day, especially with the help of Callen and Sam, she succeeded.
But was he one to dwell? Nope. She got her comeuppance when she accidentally let it slip that she believed herself to be his type. (Is she? Regretfully so. Does she have to find out? No sirree.)
Regardless, he was a big boy. If she wanted to give him her special man enhancing smoothie, that was fine. The least he could do was repay the favour.
Two can play this game.
As what has somehow become routine, they get together one night after work. Thankfully, they were at his place this time, which meant he got control of the remote and horrendous reality shows were not allowed. Instead, the L.A. Kings were down 2-0 with eight left in the third period and Vancouver had a man advantage. The Kings have been in a bit of a slump, and if Vancouver plans to continue their mastery of the power play and gets a third unanswered goal, the game's kaputs, and his team is once again out of playoff contention.
Kensi was curled up on the far side of his couch, sock feet tucked underneath her, nearly-finished beer in hand, looking far more at home than she should be. He'll let it slide. Tonight wasn't about her comfort level around him; tonight was about revenge, his pride and that damn smoothie.
Dinner was cold cut subs from some mom and pop shop Kensi had stopped at on the way over. Dessert was next.
Stepping over Monty on his way to the kitchen, he took out two more beers from the fridge and returned to the couch with a snack that Kensi wouldn't be able to resist. She sat up instantly, thrilled that he'd provided dessert, and took the pro-offered spoon and tall-glassed parfait.
"I haven't had one of these in probably a year," she said, eying the yogurt-fruit mix and it's many layers.
"Thought you'd like that."
"You not having one?" Kensi asked, noticing her partner was parfait-less and opening another beer.
Deeks shook his head, "I'm good."
Murmuring her thanks, Kensi tried a spoonful. "Deeks, this is delicious."
"You like? I read about it in some magazine. Instantly thought of you..."
Kensi swallowed another spoonful, "What's in it?"
Scratching his jaw, Deeks pondered, "Uh, let's see: bananas, raspberries, strawberry soy yogurt, finely diced avocados, honey oats mixed with crushed pumpkin seeds and almonds, and garnished with small chunks of dark chocolate."
Kensi picked out a raspberry with her fingers, "That's an unusual mix."
Deeks waved his hand around in a blasé manner, "Obstetricians say it can help."
"Obstetricians?" Kensi choked out.
"The magazine was full of them," Deeks stated matter-of-factly, watching Kensi's eyes widen.
Half-way done the parfait, Kensi eyed her partner and the snack suspiciously. "What... magazine did you find it in?" She asked cautiously.
"Fertility Magazine." He smiled smugly when Kensi coughed.
Plowing through her protests of 'What?', he continued, "Under the heading 'Your Parfait Brings all the Boys to the Yard'."
"You-!"
Again, Deeks prattled on. "It's supposed to get you in the mood," he winked.
"What-!"
"Bananas being high in B vitamins such as riboflavin and potassium, which convert carbs into energy and help manufacture sex hormones."
"I-!"
"The raspberry seeds are full of zinc, and zinc, apparently, prepares the body for sex."
"I don't-!"
"As do strawberries, thus the yogurt, which is soy based and binds estrogen receptors."
"Deeks, I don't-!"
"It keeps everything... moist."
"Ew! Stop-!"
"The avocados contain folic acid and B6, that help regulate the thyroid gland, and of course, that has the essential role of maintaining hormones..." He paused briefly, allowing Kensi to speak. When all she did was cock an incredulous head at him, he continued. "In medieval times, honey was drank in the form of mead, a fermented wine-like substance. It helped promote sexual desire, while pumpkins seeds are a rich source of omega-3's that are vital for overall sexual well-being. And almonds have long been thought of as a symbol of fertility because the scent, it's said, helps arouse the female libido."
Rubbing her forehead, Kensi looked between him and her now undesirable parfait. "And the chocolate?", she lamented.
"Well, don't most woman say chocolate is better than sex? And besides giving off endorphins, it also contains phenylethylamine, which when ingested in mass quantities, causes pleasure and sexual enhancement."
Grappling with his little scheme and the information procured from it, Kensi opened her mouth, then shut it, then opened it again, apparently struggling with what to say. "Are... are you trying to get me pregnant?" she asked, instantly wishing she hadn't. Among many other things she'd said to him recently, she hadn't meant it like that. She really hadn't meant it like that. "Not like-!"
"Gonna take more than a parfait to do that," Deeks smirked, eyes dazzling with laughter.
Kensi rubbed her forehead, "I... God."
Taking another pull of his beer, Deeks alternated between watching Vancouver's Kesler celebrate a third goal, and Kensi blinking wide eyes in disbelief.
He was good. So, so good.
Finally, Kensi sighed and ran her index and middle finger up the bridge of her nose, "This is pay back, isn't it?"
"Damn straight."
Slumping down on the couch, Kensi held the parfait in her hand. "Guess I deserve that, huh?"
"While I was moved beyond belief that my equipment means that much to you," he carried on through her snort, "I don't need a smoothie or any help in that area." Kensi scrunched up her nose, and he concluded with, "If you need a demonstration, I'd be happy to show you."
Shaking her head at the absurdity of their hockey night turning into the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson, Kensi smiled, "Just in case I need a good laugh, huh?"
"Ah ah ah, you gave me that smoothie, remember?" Deeks pointed out. "I'm all ready."
Kensi rubbed her face, "Oh ew."
"This is your fault, you know," Deeks said, gesturing to her with his beer, "You wanted me to 'stand tall'."
"I did not." Kensi denied.
"Next time," Deeks winked, "All you have to do is ask."
Author's Note: The above ingredients, while scientifically accurate after extensive research, probably don't aid your libido as much as nutritionists claim they do. Just so you know ;) And I wouldn't recommend mixing these things. I honestly have no idea how they taste together :P ~ This was written before Vancouver/LA became playoff matchups, hence why Nucks are kicking King's butt. No, the Canucks aren't my team, but they are conference rivals with the Kings, so I thought they'd work nicely.