A/N: My longest one-shot yet. 13 pages and The ending is such a fail, I know. But… well, you can't blame someone who wrote angst/tragedy fic for the first time *shrug*. So much for being an angst-lover ¬.¬
I tried to keep them IC… tell me if I failed.
DISCLAIMER: Monochrome Factor is not mine
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From a widely opened window, the cheerful autumn morning sunlight is streaming in with the wind that carried along the bird's songs into a small yellow-walled kitchen. Placing his chin on top of his intertwined fingers, Shirogane admired how the sunlight highlighted the teal colored eyes and how the slight wind played with the soft brown hair, making it sway along with the inaudible rhythm of nature.
"Shirogane?" The deep, calm voice he already came to love snapped the older man from his own little world and he gazed at how his younger lover tying on the dark blue apron on his back.
"What is it, Akira-kun?" he asked sweetly with the gentle smile still intact. Akira turned his back on him, facing the stove and grabbed a pan from where it hung against the white wall and placed it on the stove.
"What do you want for breakfast?" He asked without even a glance to the silver-haired man behind him. Titling his head for the question, Shirogane hummed slightly.
"I want some scrambled egg. Make it salty, will you?" he replied smoothly. Then, Akira snatched a can of butter from where it sat innocently on the cabinet and placed it on the counter along with cheese and bread.
"For today… I'll just make some grilled cheese." Akira decided on his own. After blinking in surprise, Shirogane shook his head in amusement with a light chuckle while Akira grated the cheese on top of the bread.
"Akira-kun, you're such a spoiled brat." He commented airily without meeting any replies from the boy but a slight grumble. As Akira started grilling the bread and cheese on the pan a little clumsily, Shirogane spent his time wondering if he would ever be able to make breakfast for Akira again now that he already an all-grown up.
Outside, the golden leafs are falling from where they sat on the branches, marking the coming of autumn. Shirogane enjoyed the chill that came with his favorite season—the season in which his most beloved was born in and named from-, which ironically came after the season he hated the most, summer. Summer is too hot for his taste, that's why he always wondered what Akira found so fun in that cursed season.
For him, summer is a pointlessly torturing season. Usually, he would stay indoor, eating ice cream and tons of ice cubes while turning on the electric fan and barely wearing anything. He was also easily getting sunburn, which would explain his constant curses to the heat.
But then again the accursed blazing heat is bearable, so very bearable, when he saw how happy his lover is with the coming of that season.
The silver-haired man was lost in his own thoughts and memories until a plateful of slightly burnt grilled cheese are shoved in front of him. After the shock passed, his expression melted into a warm smile that always made home on his face whenever the boy was around.
"Thank you, Akira-kun. You know you don't have to do this." But Akira didn't even bother to answer him as he was busy wolfing down his breakfast like a starved baby tiger. However, Shirogane noticed how those gray eyes would flicker to his plate now and then as if expecting something, and Shirogane could only feel amusement filled him up.
"You know you could have mine too, Akira-kun." He cooed lovingly. Akira hesitated for a moment before he sighed loudly, took Shirogane's share and quickly ate it with face downcast.
"That's right, Akira-kun." Shirogane said gently "Eat a lot, be healthy and grow up fast, so you wouldn't be irritated of our height difference, okay?" As if ignoring what he just said, Akira took both empty plates and put them on the sink to be cleaned later when he feel like it, probably he would wash them tomorrow when there's no plates left for eat.
Chuckling at the thought, Shirogane moved out of the small yet homely kitchen to a highly decorated living room which is not actually much bigger than the kitchen. He remembered his argument with Akira to put what and where in this room. While Akira is fond for warm color like red and brown, Shirogane preferred the cold color like white and pale blue. In the end, they sorted out the furniture to make the room that officially became their second favorite after their bedroom.
On one wall, a flat elegant black television was hanging on the wall with a soft red couch facing it. Beside the television was a glass bookshelf with golden rim, filled with many kinds of books, ranging from Shakespeare to manga with stacks of movies on the lowest level. Against the far side of the wall is a slightly out-of-place black grandfather clock that was placed beside the door leading outside which Akira received from his father who received from his father who received it from his grandfather. To sum it up, the clock was a generation-after-generation thing.
One side of the wall is made from glass, letting in the bright morning light and giving a perfect view of the apartment's backyard where leaves are falling endlessly to the ground. He loved to go out on the balcony at morning just staring at the large yard while sipping black coffee until Akira woke up and start their day.
The last side of the wall there was a door leading to their bedroom and was filled with many pictures and painting. The paintings were created by Shirogane on his free time while the photographs are taken by Akira—which explain why the majority of the picture's object of focus are Shirogane.
Akira quickly crossed the black-and-white checkered floor, making a straight walk to the door with Shirogane contently following him from behind.
"You know," Akira suddenly said up as he walked "Hiryuu asked me to return to her company. She said no one could take portraits for the magazine better than I do." He sighed loudly "Actually, I want to reject… but I thought you might like it if I get a job, so I accepted."
"Really? That's a good new to hear, Akira-kun." Shirogane laughed light heartedly as they descended the stairs. "You shouldn't have let me weight you down." He said almost in a whisper and wasn't surprised when Akira didn't hear what he just said.
Along the way, Shirogane isn't oblivious to the pity-filled eyes that followed them as they moved down, but he did his best to smile at everyone that sent those looks on them, knowing that they cared about their well-being.
Finally reaching the ground, Akira practically made a beeline to the backyard of the four-story building with Shirogane chuckling behind him. They were presented with a beautiful sight at the backyard—the golden leaves made an impression of falling straight from the sky and what leafs that already reached the ground were already blanketing the brown grasses beneath it.
Shirogane watched in a barely contained amusement as the boy plopped himself down to the ground beneath their favorite tree—it always made a perfect spot for afternoon naps.
The silver-haired man's hands were itching to grab a brush and a canvas to immortalize the beautiful sight before him, but he threw away any thoughts of leaving when he heard his name passed though the boy's lips.
Chuckling softly, he sat down beside his precious and covered those smaller lips with his own before he settled down for a nap himself.
If only he could continue to live like this, he could be the happiest man alive.
But, all good things have to coma to an end.
He closed his blue eyes.
The night's curtains have fallen across the sky when Shirogane came into his room. He loves the familiarity this room always wafting off, with the white walls and soft red carpet beneath his feet. On the middle of the room, pressed to the wall, was a double-sized bed with many pillows. Beside it was a dark brown wooden wardrobe while on the other side was a blue-silver stereo. A small table was pushed against the side of the bed; on it were a golden table lamp and a small white marble vase with two fake roses in it.
Shirogane immediately spotted Akira, sitting on the white sill of the window, curling into himself with a large black coat draped over his lithe body. His gray eyes was staring into the frame on his hand that held the picture of both of them, but those eyes looks faraway, as if there was no soul inside that body.
"Akira-kun?" Shirogane called out as he approached the young boy slowly. There was no response though, and it hurt his heart. The fact that Akira's gray colored eyes rarely even met his blue ones anymore hurts a lot.
"I still remember, you know." Akira said after a moment of silence. Lifting his face, Shirogane's only response was a small,
"Huh…?"
"…Our first meeting. I still remember that day clearly."
A sad yet happy small smile bloomed on Shirogane's red lips when he reminisced that day.
"Yeah…" Shirogane closed his eyes, lowering his face. "It was a rainy autumn night like this, wasn't it? I was on my way to my studio when I saw you, drenched in the middle of the rain with such lonely face and lost eyes…"
"…you gave your umbrella to me to shield me from the rain and your coat to shield me from the cold…" Akira gripped the large black coat draped over his body and curled even tighter, pulling the coat closer to his lithe body "And then you take me to your home… if that could even be called an home at all."
Shirogane smiled bitterly when he remembered his old apartment. It was very small and he didn't spend much time in it, so it was unkempt. The paint was already faded, the air was cold, the lightning was already blinking and the only food in the refrigerator was instant noodle, cupped noodle and some (most likely already rotten) eggs.
He like this new apartment he bought with Akira a lot better. There were a lot of windows that always opened when they're home at daylight making it looks cheerful, it was always warm, full of memories and love and laughter. At night, though, it became a very different place, so full of peace and calming tranquility.
He loved his life.
"And just like that, we met again, at winter…" Akira mumbled as he observed the picture in his hand "I was taking photographs for a Christmas magazine, and you're just there, painting the same scenery I want to immortalize." He sighed
"It was beautiful, though…" Shirogane's eyes became softer "I still loved both the picture and the painting… I didn't even have the heart to sell them."
"And we met again… again and again and again… And when I realize it, I was already falling for you… It might sound cliché… but that time… that was the first time I ever believed in 'fate'…" he whispered the last part, caressing the picture with his thumb.
"Fate, eh, Akira-kun?" Shirogane chuckled softly "Yes, it is cliché." He decided with a small, soft smile.
"And then…" Akira lowered his eyes, staring at the photograph "This… this just has to happen to us… when we start trusting each other… when we start loving each other…"
"Akira-kun…"
"It wasn't fair…"
"Akira-kun, no…"
"It's not fair…!"
"Akira…!"
"It will never be fair!"
Shirogane jumped when a loud crash resonated through the room. Akira was breathing hard; the framed picture was on the floor, the glass shattered. The white haired man could feel his heart breaking when he saw his beloved kneeled on the ground, picking back the broken frame and caressed the picture.
"In the end… we have to let go of even this…" Akira whispered sorrowfully.
Kneeling down in front of the boy while being careful of the glass shard, Shirogane extended his hand to Akira's face… but he curled it before it could touch the tan skin and he dropped it to the floor.
"Akira-kun…" he tried again after a moment of silence "It's already so late… go to sleep, okay? Okay, Akira-kun?" he half pleaded to the boy. For a split second, those gray eyes met him before they turned away again. Sighing loudly, Akira picked up the picture and went to the bed.
Standing up, Shirogane could only watch as Akira put down the broken photograph on the bedside table and stared at it for a long time.
"I love you…" Akira finally said in a whisper. "Even that couldn't be said anymore…" Trying his hardest to keep his heart from breaking, Shirogane went to Akira's side and whispered into his ear,
"I love you too… now go to sleep, okay?"
Akira was silent for a moment before he drew back the blanket and settled in for the night. Shirogane sat down on the small wooden chair that was placed beside the bed and watched as the boy slowly drifted into the dreamland.
Standing up, Shirogane went closer and brushed his lips against the boy's forehead lovingly. If he noticed the tracks of tears on the boy's cheek, he didn't mention it.
"I love you Akira-kun. I love you so much… My heaven…" he whispered softly. Straightening up, he threw one last glance at the sleeping young man and went out of the room and into the dark living room. The shine of the full moon filtered in from the beyond the glass wall, and he watched as the stars glimmered in the sky... and how all of them seems lonely up there. Sliding open the glass door to the balcony, he stood in the midnight wind and shivered.
"Akira… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"
The sun was already setting when Shirogane stepped back into his house after stalking his manager slash older brother, Sawaki. The first thing he saw was the calendar—24 December, Christmas Eve, with red marking over it. Sighing, he proceeded forward into the living room to see Akira, standing in front of the wall filled with pictures and painting, staring at all of them. Unlike the other days, Akira wore black today, and in his arms is a bouquet of white lilies.
"Akira-kun… it's today, isn't it?" Shirogane half-whispered to the boy who had his eyes downcast. Stretching out his hand, Akira touched a picture of Shirogane with a sad face. His touch lingered there before he went out of the apartment, passing Shirogane without even a glance. Sighing, Shirogane closed the door behind him and walked behind his lover.
The snow is already at least an inch thick outside, and Shirogane couldn't help but admire how easily the boy walked through it as if the snow wasn't there at all. Shaking his head, the white-haired man increased his pace so that he wouldn't be left behind.
"Akira-kun," he called out "Slow down, you know that monsters won't bite you if you're a little late!" he said as the distance between them got even farther. Akira stopped but don't look back, taking this time to close the distance between them, Shirogane came close enough to hear Akira said,
"It's cold… isn't it…?" it was spoken in a small whisper to the point Shirogane almost unable to hear it. "I always dislike it…. The chill… the snow… the season… I always do before I met you, Shirogane… but after I met you, it all changed. Suddenly, I just like winter and the snow, more than I like summer, just because it reminds me of you…"
Shocked, Shirogane stared at Akira who had his eyes closed until the boy opened his gray eyes and start walking again and he was left staring blankly at his back. Staring at the snow beneath his feet for a moment, the man followed the boy into the taxi he ordered the day before numbly.
When they were already settled in the comfortable back seat of the warm taxi, the driver glanced at them with a raised eyebrow, his golden eyes pierced into Shirogane, making the white-haired man a little uncomfortable. It's been a long time since someone gazed at him like that.
"So…" he drawled as a grin slowly made their way to the man's face "Where to?"
Eying him suspiciously, Akira gave the man a slip of paper with an address written on it. The driver simply smiled like a creep as the taxi start moving toward their destination.
"So… what kind of ordeal did you and your lover is going through, boy?" the driver suddenly stroked up a conversation after many minutes of silence. Akira snapped his head to the direction of the man from where he was staring out of the window and gave him the deadliest glare Shirogane ever saw the boy gave to anyone.
"What is it to you?" he practically growled his question, which only served as amusement to the driver who laughed.
"Nothing, I guess. It's going to be a long ride, and maybe I just want to know my passenger." He said a little teasingly and Shirogane joined Akira to glare at the man.
"The way you stroke up a conversation don't give a good impression, you old man." He hissed.
"Hey, how could you call me old? I'm still young and handsome!" he countered back and Shirogane's hand suddenly felt very itchy to give the man a good smack on the head. What did he want, digging on their wounds like this?
"Just drive." Akira growled "Mind your own business and just drive. Don't nosing around where you don't belong."
"Alright, alright." The man smiled, clearly amused, but Shirogane could distinctly saw something akin to sadness in those golden eyes that never actually left him. Frowning when he realized that this person was gifted, Shirogane gazed down at his shoes when they suddenly look very interesting.
They stayed like that for what feels like an eternity until the taxi slowed down until Shirogane was presented with familiar scenery and he sighed.
The very second the taxi stopped, Akira was already jumping out of the vehicles and start making his way to climb the small snow-covered hill that was illuminated by the silver moonlight. Shirogane himself moved out slowly and could only gaze at Akira's back, disappearing into the darkness of night. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.
What can to take you pain away, Akira-kun? Because I will do anything….
"Maybe you can start with coming with him." The calm voice shocked the white-haired man and he whirled his head to stare at the driver, smoking away his lungs with his eyes undoubtedly trained on Akira too. He wondered if he has voiced his thought out loud, but he pushed the feeling aside.
"What will coming with him change? The least thing I want to do now is to disturb his privacy." Shirogane replied back bitterly, deciding that he did not like this man, not even his looks appear appealing to him.
"You're right, it won't make any difference." He puffed out his breath "But at least it will lighten your burden." He said this with a pointed gaze to the white haired man who let out a laugh that lack of any humor or amusement.
"Lighten my burned? What burned?" The blue-eyed man played his innocent card with his eyes downcast.
"The fact that you're still here let me know that you still have a heavy burden on those shoulders of yours." He took another drag of his cigarette and puffed out his white breath "But that burden will only be heavy if you make it to be."
Before he could stop his reflexes, Shirogane already found himself glaring daggers at the golden-eyed man.
"What do you know about us anyway? Don't go interfering with other's problems when you don't know anything just because you can!" after his small outburst, Shirogane gritted his teeth even harder and wrapped his arms around himself as if trying to protect his body from the falling snow.
"I know…" The man spoke up with sadness tinting his voice "I experienced it before, you know? I love him so much and yet…" he trailed off, a smile adorning his feature "…We already said our goodbyes to each other… for both of our sakes…"
"I can't… I can't do that, not yet…" Shirogane's throat felt as if it was blocked by something when he imagined how he have to part with his most precious person "I just… can't…"
"You love him, I know that." He sighed as he let his hand drop to his side "And I'm sure he really loves you too… That kind of love… It's very hard to break free from."
"I know that." Shirogane whispered to himself as he rocked on his heel "I know that…"
"You know…" The man sighed and the warm air from him fogged up into a thick white mist "Whether you like it or not, someday you will have to let go." He dropped the butt of his cigarette and crunched it under his shoe "if he doesn't start moving on he would be forgotten… left behind… Because world won't wait for him."
"The world, yes." Shirogane let out a small, dry laugh "It is a place so cruel and ridiculous… but don't you think it is also very beautiful?" he smiled sadly to himself "I wonder… why I only notice all these little things now? These beauties… I would like to paint them… but I will never be able to do so anymore…"
"Yeah…" The man agreed with a light smile "This old world isn't very bad once you get a good look on it, after all. It was a beautiful place."
Silence reigns as the man lit up another cigarette and took a drag from it.
"Love is the very thing that makes everything beautiful… But all era will have to end, just like mine, just like yours." His gaze was straight into Shirogane's eyes. It wasn't, by any means, overpowering. But it was offering something, persuading "And when it's time to let go… we have to let go… for the sake of those we loved-we love."
Akira…
"You're right…"
Akira…
"I'm glad you understand. Many tried to attack me for saying the same thing."
Akira…
"Guess that how you got that scar on you face?"
Akira, I—
"Exactly."
A laugh was shared between them and suddenly, Shirogane felt so light he felt like he would be able to float off of the snow-covered ground.
"Thank you." Shirogane said with a serene smile graced his pale lips "I feel much better now."
"Hey, no problem there." He grinned and inhaled his cigarette "After all, this is why I was gifted."
"That might be right." Shirogane chuckled softly. He let his arms spread and he closed his eyes as he lifted it toward the dark sky, enjoying the cold of the snow or the lack thereof.
"Wow…" He could hear the man said breathlessly "I could just see why that boy loves you so much. You're so beautiful, especially in this snow."
Shirogane opened his eyes and gazed at the man, a small smile playing on his pink lips.
"My name is Shirogane." he said "And you are?"
"Oh, the name's Kou." He said without taking his eyes off of the white-haired man "Oh, god. Under any other circumstances, I would have loved to flirt my head off on you." The statement actually drew a laugh from the ice-eyed man as he start moving toward the hill.
"Hey, Kou? I have a confession to make."
"Yeah? What is it?"
"Ever since I first saw you in that taxi…"
"What? You fell in love with this handsome prince?"
"On the contrary, I already hate you the first time I laid my eyes on you."
They laughed warmly and when they stop, there was a smile on Shirogane's lips.
"Once again, thank you. I might be stranded down hopelessly if you didn't help me sort this out." He chuckled "Really, thank you."
"I've told you, no problem." He smiled "By the way? I hate you too."
"The feeling is mutual then. I'm glad."
They were silent for a moment until Shirogane start moving up the small hill, his back to Kou when the golden-eyed man shouted to him.
"Hey! If you ever meet a cute Japanese blond named Kengo, tell him I'm managing my best here!"
"Certainly!" was the last word that passed between them as Shirogane kept climbing onward with only one destination in mind.
Akira….
He found the boy on the top of the hill, his back toward the silver-haired man and the bouquet in his hands. Shirogane couldn't see his face, but he was sure it would be pained.
"It's been three years…" Akira mumbled into the cold air, loud enough for Shirogane to hear "I can't believe how the time passes like torture. It felt like both three eternities and three days at the same time."
"I feel the same too, Akira-kun." Shirogane said wistfully without approaching the boy. "Those time… Those memories… they were just as painful as it was joyful.
"It was beautiful, though." Akira sighed "Everything is when I'm with you….
"But I just don't understand… why…?"
"Because I love you." Shirogane replied with a genuine, gentle smile "I love you, and I still do."
Silence fell between them, and when Akira finally spoke up, his voice was choked. Hoarse. It was as if he was fighting back some stubborn teardrops that refuse to let his vision clear against the darkness.
"If… If I wasn't so reckless… Will everything be different?" Akira closed his gray eyes and he could feel his voice become smaller, weaker "Will I still be your heaven…?" he clutched to where his heart are, and it took everything from Shirogane to stop himself from closing his own on that broken hand
"Don't be stupid, Akira-kun." Shirogane reprimanded gently as he start walking toward the younger boy "It might be changing many things, but you should not wrap yourself around the past too much." He remembered his conversation with Kou, and he could feel the burn on the back of his eyelids "you have to move on, even if it's hard…" it came out as a mere whisper and he doesn't know if it will be enough.
"I…" Akira choked slightly.
"And you don't ever have to worry." Shirogane wrapped his arms around the boy loosely as the auburn-haired boy fell on his knees to the ground, knowing that his touch would be no more than a passing breeze on his beloved's skin. "Whatever might happen, you will always be my precious. My love. My heaven…"
"I love you…" He finally got it out; along with the tears he could feel rolling down his face "I love you, Shirogane."
"I love you too, Akira-kun." He buried his face in the auburn hair beneath him and smiled "I love you…"
"Are you happy there, Shirogane?" He whispered to himself as he put down the bouquet of lilies to the small patch of concrete in front of him that he cleared earlier. "Because I will do anything to just see your smile once again…"
"Of course I'm happy, Akira-kun." Shirogane said, trying not to choke on his own tears "I'm always happy when I am by your side…"
We sat still in silence, watching the snow fell.
It was at day like this we met. And at a day like this we part. Shirogane closed his eyes when he heard Akira's voice, clear and strong.
"I will be alright from now on." he caressed the grave before him, tracing every dips and carvings on the stone, a few tears found their way when he read the name engraved on it "I love you. More than anything. That's why… please, rest in peace…"
Shirogane smiled and he could feel the tears that found their way down his cheek, too.
"For me, heaven is not that place beyond the sky. It is here, by your side, where I can love you without any boundaries between us…." He whispered into Akira's ears, and maybe, maybe it reached his love because a smile appeared in that face he knew so much.
"Happy birthday, Shirogane." he closed his eyes against the world and dropped his hand from the cold stone and Shirogane felt how he slowly dissipate into the cold air, into the snow, into the world and he closed his eyes as they shared their last word to each other….
"Goodnight..."
.
.
.
"You will always be the one I love the most, Shirogane. Until I'm able to be your heaven again… no… even beyond that, I will love you."
.
.
.
"My Heaven…"
.
.
.
the end
-REvya