Two Mothers
Prologue
Today is one of those days that I feel especially lucky to be alive. I remember all too well what Arvin and I were planning just a few months ago. I would have had to leave everything and everyone I knew, perhaps forever.
Then, Arvin hadn't been offered the seat on the Alliance council as he'd hoped. He was bitterly disappointed and angry. As for myself, I was relieved. The contingency plan we'd come up with to protect me in the event of Arvin's appointment was unnecessary. I would have gone through with it, if needed. For my own safety, and because I love my husband.
I'm still here at home, though, and thanks to today's events I'm once again sure this is where I should be. Sydney came to see me this evening. Fortunately, Arvin was out while she was here. I know it's hard enough for her to see him at work every day. He makes her so uncomfortable. I'm not a fool, I know why that is. I'm just amazed she's still a part of my life, in spite of the fact that I'm married to a man who has tried so hard to ruin her own.
We were able to talk freely today, but it certainly didn't feel like old times. Sydney gave me some very shocking news. Her mother turned herself in to the CIA yesterday afternoon. She's already told me about what happened when they first saw each other again. I see the confusion and fear in Sydney's eyes, and I only wish I could do more to help. The one thing she asked of me was that I say nothing of this to Arvin, for very obvious reasons. It's a risk for her to even come here and talk about this. But her father is in no shape to discuss it, apparently, and I'm the only other person she felt comfortable going to. She says she usually shares everything with the man who helps her at the CIA, but that they rarely discuss her mother. She says that is a complicated issue... one I must wait for her to explain.
I gave Sydney what comfort I could, but I was confused myself. I kept wanting to refer to Sydney's mother as Laura... but I knew that wasn't who we were talking about. Maybe that person was entirely an act for all those years, but I couldn't convince myself she never had any love for Sydney. We were friends when Sydney was small, I could look in her eyes and see the motherly love for myself. Something like that is very difficult to fake, and I truly believe what I saw in her eyes so many times back then was genuine love. My own eyes mirrored that feeling then, and now. Because I love Sydney, too.
It has been very hard for me, as I sit here thinking all this through, to reconcile thoughts of the person I used to know with the knowledge that she has very recently shot her own child. I've rarely seen Sydney frightened, but today she was. She has a very strong feeling that her mother will be asking to see her as soon as possible. Her words were all to the effect that that is the last thing she wants to happen. But underneath the words, there was something else. Her eyes told me that deep down, a part of her wants desperately to connect with her mother. She's torn about that, and so am I. It worries me to think what may happen to Sydney, more emotionally than anything else. Still, I told her I thought she should try to see her again, when she felt ready. That she deserved a chance to finally get to know her own mother.
She smiled at me then, very sadly. She doesn't see how that can possibly happen. Then she took me completely by surprise, saying she'd always felt I was more of a mother to her than anyone. It brought tears of happiness to my eyes. At the same time, I've never forgotten who Sydney's rightful mother is. However I feel about Sydney, her mother is back now. I cannot fathom what would have driven her to shoot Sydney, but all I can do is pray that there is some ember of the person that was Laura left inside. The person that loved Sydney more than anything.
I've asked about going to see her for myself. Sydney got very pale and utterly refused. I suppose she thinks I'm under the impression that the person I'd be going to see would be Laura. But I know better than that. Sydney was never afraid of Laura... but whoever she met just lately she is afraid of.
She calls her "Mom," but the meaning of that word doesn't travel all the way to her eyes. She feels little else but the fear, I think. She cannot think of loving her yet... but how can she love someone she doesn't know? Especially considering what happened between them when Sydney first saw her again.
Sydney tells me she desires no explanation for why she was shot by her own mother. But I do. I wll figure out a way to see her, sooner rather than later. I keep wondering just who I will meet. Will it be someone who looks and sounds like Laura, but isn't? Or will it be a woman who seems totally different at first glance, but who's waiting for someone who can see the vestiges of her old life? Hidden, but perhaps crying to be let out....
Either way, I think I will know which I'm dealing with once I see her. For Sydney's sake, I really hope I will be meeting someone who has the same heart Laura had. I hope she'll be as happy to see me as I will be to see her, if that's the case. That way I will know we still hold something in common.... Love for a child. Today and many days, I have felt as if Sydney were my daughter. She's so hurt and confused. If she won't go looking for answers to her questions, I will.
Prologue
Today is one of those days that I feel especially lucky to be alive. I remember all too well what Arvin and I were planning just a few months ago. I would have had to leave everything and everyone I knew, perhaps forever.
Then, Arvin hadn't been offered the seat on the Alliance council as he'd hoped. He was bitterly disappointed and angry. As for myself, I was relieved. The contingency plan we'd come up with to protect me in the event of Arvin's appointment was unnecessary. I would have gone through with it, if needed. For my own safety, and because I love my husband.
I'm still here at home, though, and thanks to today's events I'm once again sure this is where I should be. Sydney came to see me this evening. Fortunately, Arvin was out while she was here. I know it's hard enough for her to see him at work every day. He makes her so uncomfortable. I'm not a fool, I know why that is. I'm just amazed she's still a part of my life, in spite of the fact that I'm married to a man who has tried so hard to ruin her own.
We were able to talk freely today, but it certainly didn't feel like old times. Sydney gave me some very shocking news. Her mother turned herself in to the CIA yesterday afternoon. She's already told me about what happened when they first saw each other again. I see the confusion and fear in Sydney's eyes, and I only wish I could do more to help. The one thing she asked of me was that I say nothing of this to Arvin, for very obvious reasons. It's a risk for her to even come here and talk about this. But her father is in no shape to discuss it, apparently, and I'm the only other person she felt comfortable going to. She says she usually shares everything with the man who helps her at the CIA, but that they rarely discuss her mother. She says that is a complicated issue... one I must wait for her to explain.
I gave Sydney what comfort I could, but I was confused myself. I kept wanting to refer to Sydney's mother as Laura... but I knew that wasn't who we were talking about. Maybe that person was entirely an act for all those years, but I couldn't convince myself she never had any love for Sydney. We were friends when Sydney was small, I could look in her eyes and see the motherly love for myself. Something like that is very difficult to fake, and I truly believe what I saw in her eyes so many times back then was genuine love. My own eyes mirrored that feeling then, and now. Because I love Sydney, too.
It has been very hard for me, as I sit here thinking all this through, to reconcile thoughts of the person I used to know with the knowledge that she has very recently shot her own child. I've rarely seen Sydney frightened, but today she was. She has a very strong feeling that her mother will be asking to see her as soon as possible. Her words were all to the effect that that is the last thing she wants to happen. But underneath the words, there was something else. Her eyes told me that deep down, a part of her wants desperately to connect with her mother. She's torn about that, and so am I. It worries me to think what may happen to Sydney, more emotionally than anything else. Still, I told her I thought she should try to see her again, when she felt ready. That she deserved a chance to finally get to know her own mother.
She smiled at me then, very sadly. She doesn't see how that can possibly happen. Then she took me completely by surprise, saying she'd always felt I was more of a mother to her than anyone. It brought tears of happiness to my eyes. At the same time, I've never forgotten who Sydney's rightful mother is. However I feel about Sydney, her mother is back now. I cannot fathom what would have driven her to shoot Sydney, but all I can do is pray that there is some ember of the person that was Laura left inside. The person that loved Sydney more than anything.
I've asked about going to see her for myself. Sydney got very pale and utterly refused. I suppose she thinks I'm under the impression that the person I'd be going to see would be Laura. But I know better than that. Sydney was never afraid of Laura... but whoever she met just lately she is afraid of.
She calls her "Mom," but the meaning of that word doesn't travel all the way to her eyes. She feels little else but the fear, I think. She cannot think of loving her yet... but how can she love someone she doesn't know? Especially considering what happened between them when Sydney first saw her again.
Sydney tells me she desires no explanation for why she was shot by her own mother. But I do. I wll figure out a way to see her, sooner rather than later. I keep wondering just who I will meet. Will it be someone who looks and sounds like Laura, but isn't? Or will it be a woman who seems totally different at first glance, but who's waiting for someone who can see the vestiges of her old life? Hidden, but perhaps crying to be let out....
Either way, I think I will know which I'm dealing with once I see her. For Sydney's sake, I really hope I will be meeting someone who has the same heart Laura had. I hope she'll be as happy to see me as I will be to see her, if that's the case. That way I will know we still hold something in common.... Love for a child. Today and many days, I have felt as if Sydney were my daughter. She's so hurt and confused. If she won't go looking for answers to her questions, I will.