I Need You
I do not own The Outsiders. S.E. Hinton does :)
I guess all teenage brothers get to that age where they don't want to hang out with their 'annoying kid brothers' any longer. Of course, I had witnessed Darry do it to Soda and I, but I never expected Soda to do it to me; he didn't seem that type of big brother.
It was different now of course; Darry was mine and Soda's guardian, so he couldn't just disown us to hang out with his friends anymore. Unfortunately for me, Soda still could disown me, though I never thought he would.
He was fifteen when it happened. It was going to be his sixteenth in a week, and he was real excited. I was stuck at thirteen which annoyed me a lot, but at least I was a teenager.
Somehow, I thought that me being a teenager would make Soda appreciate me around his friends. He was nice at home, but whenever he was with his friends it seemed like he didn't want to know me. I pretended it didn't bother me, but of course it did.
I knew Steve Randle didn't like me; according to him I tagged along too much. I'd heard Soda tell him to knock it off whenever he heard Steve utter an insult to me, but now he seemed to just ignore it. Thinking that this was because Soda was simply sick of fighting my own battles for me, I did tell Steve to knock it off, though I used some language that I knew Darry would have grounded me for life for if he had heard me using it.
My thoughts were that because Steve had been insulting me, Soda wouldn't really care if I insulted him back or even swore at him; Darry didn't tolerate swearing from either of us but I'd heard Soda use some real foul cuss words from time to time. Unfortunately for me, my theory was wrong.
"Don't talk to Steve like that!" my brother snapped after I had finished giving Steve my true opinion of him. "Get lost; why are you even here?"
"You asked me to join you," I frowned; glancing at Soda's other friends who were giving him funny looks.
"You invited your kid brother?"
"He doesn't look old enough to be here. Why'd you let him tag along?"
"Yeah; we won't pick up any girls with that kid hangin' around."
Soda just glared at me, but I shrugged at him; he had invited me after all. Steve just stood there with his hands in his pockets, giving me the same glare Soda had on his face.
"As if Soda would invite you," he sneered.
"But he did," I insisted. "You can't deny it, Soda."
Honestly, I thought Soda was gonna tell the truth. But he didn't, and I thought he was better than that. I looked up to him, and he just disowned me.
"I can if it's true, Ponyboy. Why do you have to follow me around everywhere? Seriously, just go home and play with your toys or something." Wow that hurt.
I felt myself turning red as Soda's 'friends' started laughing at me. My big brother and his best friend were smirking at me. Not a hint of remorse could be found on Soda's face, not even his chocolate brown eyes that were usually filled with love and joy.
Pouting, I stormed off. Darry wouldn't be home for another hour, so I headed to Two-Bit's house. When I knocked on the door his mom answered, her face as cheery and delightful as her son's.
"Hello, Ponyboy," she greeted. "Would you like to come in? Keith's in his bedroom."
"Thank you, Mrs Mathews." I said, following her inside, making sure to shut the door behind me.
Two-Bit's house was a lot messier than mine; there were clothes all over the floor, forgotten bills all over the dining table, and the walls needed a paint job. I'm not saying our walls weren't in need of some paint, but the paint on the Mathews' living room walls were so faded that the house itself looked depressed.
I found that funny actually; the Mathews were one of the happiest families I knew, yet they had a real depressing-looking house. This little fact however made me realize, that if somebody looks real happy on the outside, it's the inside that counts; their true happiness may have faded away a long time ago.
My friend was drinking beer when I opened his bedroom door. He had obviously been drinking a lot of beer through the day; cans were scattered all over the floor. Or maybe they had been there since they day before – I would never know; I never thought to ask.
"Hey, what's up?" Two-Bit asked me, patting the spot next to him. I took a seat on his bed next to him, and shook my head when he offered me some beer.
"How much have you been drinkin'?" I asked, trying to ignore the strong smell of alcohol. Maybe coming to Two-Bit's wasn't such a good idea; the strong smell of alcohol made bile rise in my throat, and it was disgusting.
"Uh…how's Soda and Superman?" he questioned, completely ignoring my question. I sighed in annoyance, but nevertheless answered him.
I told him about how Soda had been acting lately, and how he had been disowning me whenever he met up with any of his other friends. It was all going fine until he met up with that group of boys; now he just hangs out with them and tries to ignore me as much as possible.
"He's nice to me at home, but as soon as we're around his other friends, he acts as if he doesn't know me," I sighed, leaning my hand against my forehead. I had gotten a headache all of a sudden, and it as really painful.
"He'll soon realize that he's just being stupid. Hell, there'll come a time and a place when you don't want people to know that you've got two big brothers who watch you like a hawk; big brothers are a turn off to some people," Two-Bit laughed, gulping down more beer.
Two-Bit had never gone through that phase; sure, he and his little sister had disagreements on things, but they never ignored each other or acted like they didn't know one another.
"I hope he realizes he's being stupid. You comin' over for dinner?"
"Nah; think I'll stay here. Tell Darry I'll be over later though, okay?" he said, scratching his neck. I nodded.
"Alright, see ya."
"See ya, kid."
How I would have killed for a big brother like Two-Bit at that moment.
XXX
Things just seemed to get worse between me and Soda after he attained a steady girlfriend. Funnily enough, they had met on Soda's birthday; he was out with Steve that night.
I was real upset when he went out with Steve and didn't invite me. Only because he had promised me that I could go with him, but when the night of his birthday came, he went back to not wanting to know me. Darry told me it was just because he was growing up and I'd do it too, but I didn't have any little brothers to disown, and I don't think I could be that mean.
Also, when he decided to hang out with his new friends during the day of his birthday, I decided to give him his present in-front of all of his friends. As I walked towards him, he gave me a look which read: "Just turn around and keep walking." But me being me ignored his stern look and followed through with giving him his present.
"I hope you like it," I grinned, watching as he opened it slowly. I tried to ignore the eager eyes that his friends had on the present; they were probably hoping that it was something expensive.
The present was a scrapbook of me, Soda, Darry, mom, dad and the gang. A lot were from when we were all younger, though there were some recent ones that had been taken after mom and dad's death in there. I had asked Johnny to help me make it, and we had spent forever making it – well not forever, but it took us the whole weekend to make it absolutely perfect.
I think even Steve pitied me when Soda barely gave the scrapbook a second glance before thrusting it back in my arms. I wanted to cry but decided against it; Soda would probably just turn pinker than he already was.
"Thanks," he mumbled quickly, turning back to his friends, his back to me.
Noticing Steve looking at me, I turned around and bolted back to the house. Darry scolded me for slamming the door, but I honestly didn't care. I just locked myself in mine and Soda's shared room and cried; it was a childish thing to do, but he looked at the scrapbook as if it was a piece of junk, as if I was a piece of junk.
Then when he left without me that was it. I went to bed early that night, ignoring Darry's pleas for me to come out. It felt as if Soda didn't want me anymore; he was growing up. It was like I was a childhood toy that he had loved for so long, but now that he was older: he didn't need me anymore.
XXX
"I don't think we should share a bed anymore."
My chest tightened when my big brother said those words to me. Maybe a sixteen-year old boy and a thirteen-year old boy shouldn't share a bed, but in my opinion there was nothing wrong with it. It made me feel better when Soda was next to me; he helped chase my nightmares away by simply holding me.
"Why?" I asked, trying to not sound childish.
"Well, it's wrong," he stated, crossing his arms. "Do you know how much I'll get teased if people find out that I share a bed with my kid brother? My friends might even disown me!"
Oh please; Soda didn't know what it felt like to be disowned. His friends weren't even his friends; I doubt he'd feel much if they left him.
"If they can't accept it then why are you friends with them? Johnny, Two-Bit, Dally and even Steve don't care!" True, I didn't like Steve Randle that much, but I knew he was loyal to Soda.
"Look Ponyboy, maybe I don't want to share a bed with you. You're not a baby anymore; you don't need me." Oh, but I needed him so much.
He wouldn't let me answer him; my big brother just left me standing in his room. It wasn't mine anymore; he'd made that clear.
Dinner was quiet that night, as it had been every other night of that week. Soda didn't babble as much as he used to; tonight he was actually completely silent.
"So, wanna tell me what's happened between you two? Why aren't ya sharin' a bed?" Darry asked, trying to make conversation.
I just stared at my food, waiting for Soda to answer. I wasn't about to explain that Soda didn't want to share a bed with me because of his 'friends'.
"Pony and I both decided it was time for a change," he answered. I dropped my fork and glared up at him, but he just shrugged. Playing innocent as always.
"No actually; Soda doesn't want to share because he's afraid that his reputation will get ruined," I hissed, hearing the venom in my own voice. I don't know why I got so annoyed; I guess I was just so annoyed that Soda really didn't need me anymore.
Darry asked Soda if my statement was true, and surprisingly, he agreed. He didn't say anything else after that, and I think that made me feel worse. I don't think Darry was on anyone's side, because he just smiled at me and then sipped his coffee slowly.
My old room felt so cold and lonely. I wrapped the blankets tighter around me, but this just made me shiver more. Knowing that I was scared (it had been a while since I had slept by myself) I made my way to Darry's room, since Soda's room was out of the question.
My oldest brother was still awake when I crept into his room. I think he was waiting for me, because he pulled back the covers without saying anything, signalling for me to climb in next to him. I did, and he immediately wrapped his arms around me.
"I wish I knew what was going on with him," he whispered, referring to Soda. "He's not himself anymore – I don't know what's happened."
"Me neither," I sighed, pulling the sheets over me some more. The more quietly, I added, "I don't know where the real Soda's gone."
Even though he didn't respond, I think my big brother heard me.
XXX
"Just get over it, Ponyboy; nobody wants you here," Sodapop hissed, warning me to leave. I didn't feel afraid though; I was ready to teach him a lesson.
"I really don't know what's gotten into you lately, Sodapop, but you should just stop it; everyone will eventually know that you're nothing more than a fake," I affirmed, shaking my head at him.
The gang that Soda had met almost two months ago were there with us, along with Sandy and Steve who were standing away from the gang. For once in his life, Steve wasn't defending Soda.
"I don't know who you think you are, Ponyboy, but you should just leave right now before I knock some sense into you," he growled.
I noticed Steve was ready to move, in case Soda did decide to hurt me. But I wasn't scared; Soda would never hurt me. Well, I convinced myself that he wouldn't.
"Your brother's such a runt, Sodapop. And he's a brat; why don't you teach him a lesson; it'd be pretty easy with the size that he is."
Soda gives me look that tells me that I should just leave, but he doesn't. It was quite sad really; I didn't know who my big brother was anymore, and I usually understood everything about him. It wasn't because his whole personality had changed, it was just because he was being mean to me; he was never mean to me. So I decided that I had to break him, and I knew how.
"What would mom and dad say if they were alive?" I asked him calmly, and his expression went blank for a moment.
Darry always said that whenever me or Soda had done something bad. It made us behave instantly, but me saying it seemed to have an opposite effect on Soda.
He had punched me before I had chance to blink.
I wasn't sad because he'd punched me. I was sad because he wasn't sorry about hurting me. So sad that I started bawling, and I bawled even more when he didn't even seem to care.
"Your brother's such a baby," one of the boys said. Meanwhile, Steve had my face in his hands and was inspected where I had been hit.
"Damn, Soda! Look what you've done! What were you thinkin'?" he yelled at my big brother. Soda just shrugged and left, saying something about going to a bar. Sandy joined him of course.
I just pulled out of Steve's grasp and slowly walked home; I guess Soda had made up his mind now – he really didn't love me, he just wanted to be with his friends.
Darry almost had a fit when he saw the state of me. I just strolled past me and into my bedroom, or at least tried to. My big brother grabbed me and forced me to face him, but I couldn't look him in the eye.
"Who the hell did this to you?!" he shouted, looking like he was ready to murder someone. I just shrugged and he shook me hard, but I wasn't going to tell on Soda; he deserved a second chance.
XXX
I was still sporting a black eye a week after Soda had punched me, but it didn't hurt anymore. Soda had mumbled an apology, though I could tell he wasn't sorry at all.
To be honest, after that incident, I didn't want to get involved with Soda's friends again. However, I walked past my brother and his friends completely by mistake once, and the sight I saw shocked me; Soda was smoking grass!
"Sodapop!" I shouted, alerting all of the teenage boys in the park. Soda almost choked, but when he saw me he glared fiercely at me. He marched over to me, away from the others, and got rid of the blunt he was holding.
"What the hell do think you're doin'?" he asked me angrily, getting real close to me. I shuddered.
"What do you think you're doin'?" I questioned quietly, shrinking under his gaze.
My big brother stared down at me for a second, and I saw something familiar in his eyes: love and joy and happiness and softness. But then they reverted back to cold and irritated, a lot like Darry's.
"You better not tell Darry about this. Otherwise, you'll be sorry," he warned, and stormed back over to his friends.
I decided that I was going to tell Darry, even if it did make Soda annoyed with me; I wasn't going to let him throw his life away because he wanted to fit in with some kids he'd met at a stupid party.
Johnny was at the lot so I headed over and sat with him for a while. His parents had kicked him out, however he said he didn't want to come to our house because it was a nice day and he was enjoying watching the sun go down. We talked about a few things, though I failed to mention Soda since that was strictly between Soda, Darry and I. I told my best friend to head over to our place if he got cold, and then left for home.
Spotting Darry's truck in the driveway, I knew that my eldest brother was home. We had gotten closer after these past few days; he comforted me whenever I had nightmares and held me close when I was scared.
I swallowed, unsure if telling on Soda was such a good idea. But then I remembered how 'hood-like' he looked holding that blunt, and decided that I was doing what was best for everyone.
However, I was caught off-guard when I realized that Darry wasn't the only one home. Soda was sitting next to our oldest brother, who looked really annoyed about something. When he saw me he stood up and started yelling at me, which really caught me off-guard.
"What the hell were you thinkin'? Smokin' blunts? Ponyboy, I have a good mind to-"
"Wait, what are you talking about?" I asked, looking at Soda who had a smug grin on his face. Darry glared at me harder.
"Don't play dumb. Soda showed me the joints you have in your room. Who'd you get them off, huh? Why did you think you could smoke them? Did you think you could get away with it? You're grounded for a month," he growled.
"But I didn't do anything!" I cried, begging for him to believe me. He just shook his head at me and his expression softened.
"I trusted you, Ponyboy. Is that why you came to me – to try and stop me from finding out the truth?" he asked sadly, and I felt my heart break.
"No! I came to you because I needed you," I whimpered. He didn't look like he believed me.
"Just, don't talk to me," he sighed, and then walked to his room and locked himself in there.
I turned to Soda, and I noticed he wore a guilty expression. He gave me a sad look before going to his own room, shutting me out. Now both of my brothers had left me – I didn't have anybody left.
XXX
It had been a whole week since Soda had told Darry all of the stuff that he had been doing and yet blamed it on me. Darry hadn't spoken to me for the whole week, and I had hardly seen Soda since he had been out with his friends.
"Darry, please talk to me," I begged, but he just carried on reading his newspaper as if I wasn't there. I hadn't told on Soda; I didn't want him to hate me more than he probably already did.
My oldest brother finished his coffee before going to get ready for work. I had to sleep by myself now, but I never actually got any sleep. I just lay in bed reflecting on everything that gone wrong since Soda had met his friends.
There was nothing to do; I had finished all of my homework, so I decided to just take a walk. I'd be back by the time Darry was done, and even if I wasn't; what would he care? He didn't even like me.
It was a nice day and the warm weather was relaxing. I was actually enjoying myself, until I was confronted by a large group of socs. I backed away; thirteen was too young to be jumped!
"Hey grease, we wanted to play baseball, but we don't have a ball to play with? Care to do the honors?" one with a large, shiny baseball bat asked, his white teeth glistening like diamonds.
I backed away, but a fast one grabbed me. He kicked my shin real hard, making me fall to the ground. I doubled over in pain, but the soc holding me yanked my head up by my auburn locks so I was facing, what I assumed, was the leader.
"Glad you're cooperating!" he smiled, drawing the bat back. I moaned and tried to get away, but another was suddenly at my side. He and the one who kicked me in the shin held me by an arm each.
The bat hit me so hard in the stomach that I almost vomited. I ended up gagging violently, but this didn't put the socs off one bit. In fact, I think it encourage them. The bat hit me again and again, until I could feel something gurgle in the back of my throat. But it wasn't vomit; it was blood.
After I had spat up blood, all of the socs joined in on attacking me. They punched me, kicked me, and one of them kept hitting my knees with the damned bat. It came to a point where I couldn't feel my legs anymore, and eventually I just felt myself fade away.
XXX
I woke up crying, though I didn't know what for. Surprisingly, Sodapop and Darry were next to me, and I wasn't at home. I was in a white room; a hospital room.
Darry rubbed my back while Soda whispered comforting words to me. Strange; I thought they hated me. From the look on Sodapop's face, he had been crying, and Darry's eyes were filled with sadness, not coldness.
"It's alright, little buddy; you're okay now," Darry assured, smiling at me.
"Yeah, we've gotcha. We ain't leavin' you again," Soda whispered. I took a few deep breaths and eventually leaned back, not missing my brothers' worried looks.
"You okay, little man?" Darry asked cautiously. I nodded, sighing heavily.
"Yeah, just had nightmare," I responded, sniffling because I was afraid that my brothers would just disappear and leave me.
"It's okay now, we're both here," Soda soothed, holding me close to him.
I hadn't been this close to him in two months, and I forgot how comfortable I felt when I was in his arms. I really had missed him.
"I've missed you, Soda. Please don't leave me again," I begged. He calmed me quickly, worrying that I was working myself up.
"Don't worry, baby, I won't ever leave you again," he promised, making me smile.
I then turned to Darry, who was mirroring the guilty expression that Soda was wearing. I swallowed and tapped his hand, which made him look at me. It was easy to forget that Darry didn't have anyone older than him to hold him and comfort him and tell him that everything was alright. If something happened to Soda, Soda still had Darry. Darry didn't really have anybody.
"Don't be sad, Dar. I'm right here," I smiled. He looked as if he was about to cry, and I felt bad; I hadn't meant to make him upset. I asked him if I had made him upset, but he shook his head.
"I'm just thinkin' about what would have happened if those socs had hit you harder – we might've lost you. And if we lost you…" he didn't finish his sentence, and I couldn't blame him.
"It was my fault, Ponyboy, not yours. I've been so mean to you, and I lied about you and got you into trouble and everything. What kind of brother am I?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.
"It doesn't matter, Soda. I guess you just don't need me anymore." His head shot up so fast when I said that.
"No, don't you dare say that. I will always need you, just like I'll always need Darry. Pony, I never needed those guys; sure I needed Steve, but I didn't really care about those guys; I just wanted to fit in. But now I've realized how stupid I've been, and now you're hurt because of how stupid I am," he blubbered.
"Hey, you ain't stupid. And don't blame yourself either. Just promise me, both of you, that you'll never leave me again. I need both of you," I said honestly.
They both nodded their heads at me before hugging me tightly, as if they'd never let go of me. I didn't want them to let go of me.
After I got home, Soda was grounded for two months. Originally, he was only going to get one month, but then he admitted to all of the other stuff he had been doing with his friends, and Darry had changed it. I don't think Darry was that mad though; the only thing he seemed bothered about was if we were okay.
Soda and me, we're okay now. Better than okay, actually. I don't sleep by myself anymore, and neither does Soda. Whenever I have a nightmare, he's always there for me.
I got home from school one day, and I noticed the scrapbook that I had made for Soda was sitting on my desk. I smiled and opened it, knowing Soda had put it there for a reason.
Flipping through it, I wondered what message he was trying to give me, until I got to the back. He had stuck in a picture of me and him when we were little kids. He was about five and I was three; in the picture he was holding me, as if he was trying to protect me from something. But he had the biggest smile on his face I had ever seen in my life.
It was then that I realized that Sodapop needed me as much as I needed him. He protected me, and I made him happy. I had always known how much I needed other people like Darry and Soda, but I didn't know how much I was actually needed until now.
Under the picture of us, Sodapop had written five simple simple words: 'I need you little brother'. I smiled and fumbled around for a pen since Soda had written his message in pencil. Then, I wrote underneath my big brother's message:
'I need you too.'
AN: Hope you enjoyed that one-shot I came up with. I came up with this little idea a while ago, but never got round to writing it. What did you think? I'd love to know :)