A/N: Heyyyyy-

So some of you might remember me uploading this a while back. I think I first published it in 2016 originally...? Yeah, 2016 sounds about right.

I deleted it because I wasn't really feeling the best and for a while there I wanted to distance myself from the South Park fandom but now, looking back at it and reading some of the reviews I screenshotted I decided to not only repost it but to finish it, which I'm gonna start working on immediately. There's a few reasons for this.

1. I lowkey get a little mad when I get into a story only for it to never be finished and I don't wanna be a hypocrite.

2. I stopped caring about what people might think about me liking South Park so I'm not gonna distance myself from it anymore.

3. My girlfriend really liked this so I wanna finish it for her.

4. You never know if you're deleting someone's comfort story so if this was yours, here it is. Soon to be finished and never to be deleted again.

SO THERE YA GO.

Once again, here are the warnings:

This fic includes cheating (Which I don't approve of. I originally wrote this because I wasn't sure what to write for Nanowrimo and my friend said I should challenge myself by writing about something I'm uncomfortable with. Sooooo here's this fic.) and mentions of abuse and character death.

If any of this is gonna bother you a lot, please don't read it.

Leave a review and let me know what you think :)

prologue

"Come on Craig," Clyde whined, putting his hands together in a pleading gesture as he gave me his infamous puppy dog eyes, "Play us a song. You can't just tell us you play guitar and then hold out on us, don't be a dick."

I leaned my guitar against the wall of my bedroom, freeing my hand to flip Clyde the bird. The puppy dog eyes were infamous but they just so happened to be infamous for never working. Token chuckled from his place on the floor, shaking his head before turning his attention back to his phone. Jimmy was too absorbed in the video game he'd been playing to really give any reaction to the exchange between Clyde and I, but that's probably for the best because I'm ninety nine point nine percent sure that he'd be on Clyde's side and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and listen to two people try and convince me to do something I'm dead set against doing.

"Craaaaaaaaaig," Clyde drags my name out in that special way only he can, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase." I'm about ready to flip him off with both fingers, just to show how serious I am about not giving in when another voice pipes up.

Tweek.

"I'd like to hear you play too, Craig," he says, fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. He'd first started doing that because of how nervous he'd get. Back before we really got close. Tweek used to do a lot of things before we got close. He was a nervous wreck, always twitching and biting his fingernails, shifting his eyes back and forth as if on the watch for something- anything- that might be out to get him. Scratch that 'as if' part actually- he WAS on the lookout for some sort of threat. Always on edge, never having confidence in himself. That was Tweek Tweak as we'd all known him.

He hadn't changed too drastically. Tweek still had poor self esteem and he still got a little nervous from time to time, except now it usually had a semi valid reason behind it. He still occasionally looked around for imaginary enemies but he definitely wasn't as paranoid as he used to be. I couldn't help but a feel a little proud of myself for sparking that change, but it was nothing in comparison to the overwhelming pride I felt in Tweek for willing himself to continue to change.

We were sitting directly across from each other on my bed, criss cross apple sauce style. My eyes locked with his as he smiled at me shyly, waiting for my response. If it'd been anyone else, I'd probably thrown a shit fit. I sort of hate it when my friends team up against me, it always makes me feel cornered. Like there's not point in arguing anymore because I'm outmanned. But this is different because it's Tweek. It's always different with Tweek.

"Okay," I mumble, ignoring the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach when Tweek beams at me. I grab my guitar as Clyde whoops somewhere in the background, pumping his fist in victory. I'm sure Jimmy and Token are watching me now too, but all I'm focused on is the blond boy in front of me. It's weird, to be honest. I've only ever felt this way with girls before but it's like when I look at Tweek, everything else around me fades into a blur. Like he suddenly becomes the center of my universe, especially with the gravitational pull I feel toward him. Like it's natural to be drawn to him. It honestly scares me. Mainly because, the more I think about it, I've never even felt this way about a girl before. I'd felt the butterflies, the slight giddiness but all of that paled in comparison to what I felt for Tweek.

I was in eighth grade. I was in love with my best friend. And I didn't even know it yet.

I didn't think it mattered yet. I figured that we'd have time to work things out in the future. I wasn't going anywhere and neither was Tweek.

Tearing my eyes away from him so I could focus, I started to strum the strings of my guitar, not really working for any tune in particular. I'd been so lost in Tweek I hadn't even thought of what to play. I wracked my head for ideas, but unfortunately for me, my brain was all about Tweek.

I was a lovesick eighth grader coated in a thick layer of denial.

What sort of music did Tweek like? I thought of all the songs he'd linked me to over the years, trying to remember which ones he'd referred to as his favorites when I finally thought of the perfect one.

I felt a bit self conscious playing in front of all of my friends like this- I hadn't really played for anyone other than Ruby- so I closed my eyes to avoid any awkward eye contact and began to sing quietly.

"Tell me what you thought about
When you were gone and so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older but we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up."

I open my eyes to look at Tweek, feeling my words get stuck in my throat at the sight of his face. He's watching me earnestly, with wide eyes and hands folded neatly in his lap.

Clyde snickers, "Craig, I had no idea you were such a romantic." He lets out a little oomph as Jimmy elbows him, giving him stink-eye before grinning at me encouragingly.

"You're puh...pre...puhretty good, Craig. You could ruh-really make somethin' of yourself," He states matter-of-factly, Token nodding his head in agreement.

"Thanks," I say sincerely, giving them a rare smile. Most people would say me smiling meant the end of days was near, but these guys were used to it. I never had much trouble showing some positive emotion around them. I definitely never had trouble smiling around Tweek.

I turn to look at him and feel my heart skip a beat at the astonished look on his face.

"You're so talented…." He whispers softly, his mouth slightly agape. I feel my face heat up, and hope to every higher power that my cheeks aren't turning red. And then, as if Tweek hadn't made me feel flustered enough that day, he leaned forward, speaking in a quiet voice that only the two of us could hear, "You could probably do whatever you set your mind to."

...

That's how I always remember us.

The five of us sitting in my room- or sometimes Clyde's, or Token's, or Jimmy's, or Tweek's. We rotated around a lot, sometimes not even sitting in someone's room at all. Sometimes we wandered around the woods, or dicked around at Stark's pond or went to go torment Tweek while he worked his shift at his parents coffee shop.

Maybe it'd be more accurate to say that I remember all of us being together, giving each other shit and not caring about anything other than what we were gonna do that day or how we were gonna one up Stan's loser squad. Yeah, that sounds about right. I remember us all being together.

I remember me and Tweek being together.

A lot of people seemed to think we were gay and I can't really say I blame them. We were always side by side, leaving little space between us as we walked down the halls. Hell, there were even those times we'd held hands just so we wouldn't lose each other in a crowd. Personal space didn't exist with me and Tweek. We pressed our legs against each others at the lunch table, he fell asleep on my shoulder whenever he wanted and I was known to casually throw my arm around his shoulders and pull him close for no reason whatsoever. We just liked having each other close.

We talked about everything and anything, spending hours on the phone with each other to the point that my dad started to nag me about the phone bill, "Only two hours on the phone today, Craig, I mean it this time! You don't pay bills here!"

We passed notes to each other in class constantly and we'd been caught more than a few times by our teacher, who forced us to read them out loud to the class for punishment. It was always funny, seeing the incredulous looks on their faces as they tried to figure out what the hell me and Tweek had been talking about. Our conversations were like that- even with context, no one but us really understood what was going on. Token once said that it seemed like we weren't even talking about the same thing sometimes. It was weirdly satisfying to me, knowing that Tweek and I seemed to have developed our own language that only we could ever really understand.

Every aspect of our friendship was satisfying to me actually. I liked that you couldn't think of me without thinking of Tweek too. I liked that people thought of us in the same way you'd think of ketchup and mustard or peanut butter and jelly. Always together, two things that complimented each other nicely.

There was only one thing about it that I'd change.

"C'mon dude, I'm your best friend. You can't hide shit from me, I know you like Tweek," Clyde said, talking in an unusually serious tone. I rolled my eyes at him, preparing to flip him off but he grabbed my hand and held my fingers down with his own before I could do anything, staring at me seriously. "Craig, I know you all think I'm stupid but I know shit. We live in a small town. Do you know what that means?"

"That we all see way too much of each other?"

"No! ….Well, I mean yes. But it means a lot of us are gonna end up marrying each other and…." Clyde bit his lip, chewing it in thought. Finally, he let out a deep breath, "I'm just looking out for you, bro. You don't want someone else to nab him before you get the chance to."

"Clyde, for fucks sake, we're in eighth grade."

"I know, I know! I'm just sayin' dude! A lot of people end up marrying their high school sweethearts, I mean, Stan'll probably end up hitched to Wendy!"

"That doesn't mean anything," I huff, turning away from Clyde.

He grabs my shoulder, spinning me around to face him again. "You've gotta let Tweek know how you feel."

I swat his hand away, glaring. "I'm not gay and neither is he! Stop trying to make things weird, Clyde." I hear a locker slam in the distance and the sound of feet hurriedly shuffling away but think nothing of it. Clyde shakes his head at me.

"You can't live your life in denial, Craig, I see how you guys look at each other."

He has a point, I realize, but saying this out loud isn't something I feel like doing. No way am I giving Clyde the satisfaction of being right again because contrary to popular belief, the guys intuition is almost always right. I pull out my iPod and put my headphones in to signal the end of the conversation before walking away from him. I open up the playlist I have labeled as 'Tweek's Gay Music', smirking at the memory of when I'd named it that.

"It's not gay! It's meaningful!" Tweek had pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and trying his damned hardest to look pissed at me. I snorted, scrolling through the playlist to pull up a particular song.

" 'My Girl's Ex Boyfriend'? Really Tweek? Did you get all of these from AMV's?" I say it as a joke but a shiteating grin slowly spreads across my face when I see Tweek staring down at his hands quietly, cheeks aflame with redness. "Oh my God, you're a weeaboo."

Tweek shoved me, "Shut up!" he squeaked. He continued to glare at me until he suddenly thought of something. It sort of looked like a little lightbulb went on in his head. "Wait…." A smug little smile made it's way on his features, "How would you know those songs were from AMV's, Craig?"

Now it was my turn to be quiet.

"I think Terrence and Phillip is starting now…."

I scrolled through the list of songs before stopping at the one I'd played for everyone just a few days before. I remembered Tweek's face when I'd finished singing and the way he made me feel. I remembered a hundred other little things about him at once, suddenly, like the way he ran his hands over the front of his shirt when he was feeling particularly antsy, or how he'd click his tongue when he was frustrated. The way his nose scrunched up when he laughed, how he'd absentmindedly run his fingers through his messy blond hair when he was focused on something.

I groan inwardly at the further evidence of Clyde being right. I like Tweek and I should tell him.

'But not today,' I'd told myself, 'We have plenty of time,' I'd said.

Maybe if I'd known how things played out then, I would have grown some damn balls and marched up to Tweek and spouted off a bunch of poetic, romantic bullshit that would have swept him off his shaky feet and into my arms. Maybe then we would have gotten even closer, gotten to go on dates and share firsts with each other as we got older. Maybe we could have even gone off to college together. if we made it through high school, somewhere far away from the town everyone in it claimed to hate. Maybe we would have even gotten married or something. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Those are all a bunch of maybes. They'll only ever be maybes because I was too chicken shit to say anything. Or maybe I was too stubborn. Too stupid.

Whatever the case, it cost me.

Because you know what wasn't a maybe?

The sight of my cousin, Red Tucker, leaning against a locker as she gazed up at Tweek, talking to him in a voice I'd never heard her use before. Red was usually pretty snarky and sometimes her voice leaked so much sarcasm I had a hard time telling if she was being serious about anything ever. But that day- and every day after that- when I heard her talking to Tweek, her voice sounded gentle and sweet. In that moment, when I began to walk up behind her with the intent of getting to Tweek, she even sounded sort of nervous.

I watched from behind her as she lowered her head and asked a question that made me freeze in my tracks.

"…..so, uh, what do ya say? Do you wanna be my boyfriend?"

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep my mouth from falling open. I didn't even know Red liked Tweek. Every time Red had been over my house at the same time as Tweek- be it for a family holiday or just her and her dad visiting or those times she came over to hang out with Ruby- they'd barely interacted besides a few polite greetings and awkwardly standing next to each other while they waited for me to come back from whatever it was I left to do.

Tweek would say no. I knew him well enough to know that. I felt bad for Red, putting herself out there just to get rejected, though I found some relief in knowing that Tweek would at least be nice about it. He didn't really have it in him to be mercilessly cruel over something like that.

We locked eyes over her shoulder for just a second before he looked back at her. I held my breath, waiting to hear how he'd turn her down.

"Yes."

I felt my heart sink so low in my body that I could have sworn it was what was weighing down my feet. He said yes. I turned away from them, dragging my heavy feet away as fast I possibly could, feeling nauseous, a million thoughts racing through my head. He said yes. He liked her back. I was all wrong. They probably did talk while I was gone. God, he probably thought of her all the time. I end up in the boys bathroom and lock myself in a stall, plopping down on the toilet seat and grabbing fistfuls of my hair, tugging harshly as if it'll make me stop thinking of Tweek with Red. Ironically, this makes me think of them even more as it's a total Tweek thing to do. I'm usually not like this. I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe it's what Clyde said earlier about most people marrying their high school sweethearts. Tweek marrying Red crossed my mind. Tweek spending the rest of his life with her, not me. Tweek looking at her the way he did me, Tweek feeling the way I felt when he smiled at me, except feeling it for her instead. My face felt wet and suddenly I realize I've been crying. I drag my arm across my face to rid myself of the tears. I'm overreacting. We're only in middle school. They'll date for two weeks and be done with it. This is nothing to cry over.

Tweek won't stay with her.

...

Tweek doesn't hang out with us much after that.

What was once Tweek and Craig, the inseparable duo, becomes Tweek and Red, the cutest couple to grace South Park with their presence. What used to be us hunched over comic books in the dead of night becomes him and her sharing earbuds and listening to what I'd dubbed his gay music. What was once us teaming up to pelt Clyde and Token with snowballs, calling ourselves the dream team, becomes Red and Tweek holding hands while ice skating down at Stark's Pond. Our Terrence and Phillip marathons are forgotten in favor of what he calls 'Shitty Movie Night' with Red, which he describes as them watching the most terrible movies they can find just to make fun of it together. He goes from wearing my Red Racer t-shirt underneath his button up to showing up to school one day with a bright blue streak in his hair, which he reveals to us was put there by Red, who shows him off to her friends proudly.

"See? Red and blue! Cute, huh?" She gushes, her arms wrapped around Tweek's torso as she gives him a loving squeeze. He has one of his arms around her too, and I notice he has a tendency to rub small circles into her side with his thumb. I hate that I notice it because I can't get it out of my head. I can't help but wish it was me wrapped around him like that.

He even stops sitting with us at lunch, preferring to sit with Red and her friends. I'd silently hoped they'd get annoyed with the lovey dovey couple, but to my annoyance, none of them care. I almost complain about it to the guys but stop when I realize our own table has been invaded as well. As we enter high school, Bebe and Nichole end up spending a lot of time at our table and eventually, Token, Clyde and Jimmy act as though Tweek had never been there. The questions of "You think Tweek's gonna sit with us again any time soon?" and "I wonder why he doesn't just bring Red over here, do you think she doesn't like us?" that used to let me know I wasn't the only one noticing and being affected by Tweek's absence soon fade into nothing.

Whenever Tweek does hang out with us, I feel conflicted- my emotions ranging from 'I'm glad to have you back' to 'Please stop feeding my imagination, go away'. Sometimes when he's with us, it feels like old times. Like how it was before he got with Red. He'll smile at me just like he used to and every now and again he'll lay his legs out over mine like he never stopped and my heart will swell with joy.

And then there are other times, that make me feel like my hearts been ripped out of my chest. Time where I learn things I wish hadn't happened or at least didn't ever have to hear about.

My stomach twists into a knot one day in junior year when Clyde yanks Tweek's striped scarf off to reveal a large hickey at the front of his neck- and several more smaller marks trailing downward before disappearing underneath his shirt.

"God Tweek, did you get attacked by a leech?!" Clyde remarks, tugging at Tweek's shirt collar. I press my lips into a hard line as Tweek's face goes red, hurrying to cover the offending marks with his hands.

"Like you don't have any Clyde," he mutters, eyes narrowing. I don't get to hear what Clyde says in response because my mind is already running wild with thoughts I never wanted in there.

Red all over Tweek. I could barely handle her kissing him and now I couldn't stop thinking of her sucking at his neck, drawing out sounds I'd never get to hear myself. What's worse is thinking of him returning the favor, which I try to convince myself he wouldn't do. 'He's not like that,' I tell myself.

I swallow a lump in my throat later that weekend, when Red proves me wrong by showing up at my house wearing Tweek's shirt and sporting marks of her own.

But that still isn't the worst part of all this.

No, the worst part was playing Never Have I Ever and seeing Tweek put a finger down when Token says he's never had sex.

No, no, the worst is having to give Tweek relationship advice- having to listen to every detail of him and Red those few times we actually do hang out because I'm the best friend and that's my job.

No wait, the worst part is having to keep a straight face through all of this, never being able to do anything about the fluttery feeling I still get when I'm with Tweek that's only grown stronger over the years and not only because he's taken but because he's taken by my cousin.

Or, or maybe the worst part is when Red gets on my case about me being single and decides to put me on a blind date with Jenny Simon, and when I try to refuse, she pushes it by saying, "Tweek's the one that suggested this!"

No.

No, I know what the worst part is.

...

When I was a kid, I hated church for the sole fact that it was boring. I'd rather spend my time playing with my friends or watching reruns of Red Racer than sit still for an hour, squished in between my sister and mother. Now I had a new reason to dislike it.

I stood silently behind Tweek as he and Red exchanged their vows, trying not to look heartbroken. Red was practically glowing with happiness, her hair pinned back in a fancy updo that suited her surprisingly well and a lacy, v-necked wedding gown. She wasn't much of a blushing bride, as she was radiating confidence as always, but she sure did look gorgeous. Tweek was a lucky guy.

His hair was slicked back and though his suit was admittedly clumsy looking with the way he'd put it on- tie loosely tied and his buttons not buttoned correctly- I still couldn't help but think he looked gorgeous too.

The I do's were exchanged, they kissed, my heart broke in two, blah blah blah, you know how it goes.

Red throws the bouquet and of all people, it's Jenny Simon who catches it.

Tweek nudges me with his elbow, smiling fondly at me. My heart jumps.

"I hope you find someone that makes you feel like you're walking on air someday, too," he tells me just as softly as he did that day I sang to him and the others.

I swallow a lump in my throat.

I don't have it in me to tell him I already did.