I am a menace to society, and I need to be stopped with these angsty Rivamika oneshots. They're just incredible characters to write for; challenging, but not in a way that makes it a chore, you know? Anyway, I could babble on forever about my love for these two, but I won't. Instead, I'll leave you with this dribble, and please don't forget to let me know what you think. Reviews are always appreciated! xx
The worst part of wanting someone you can never have, is knowing it.
It was a fact he was painfully aware of every waking second. He'd look at her and see the moon itself; mysterious, bright and beautiful. Able to light up the night like a candle, only she never seemed to flicker. Mikasa burned bright, affecting everything in her path in ways she could never understand. Levi was hardly the first to fall under her spell, but he was the first to be so damn resentful about it.
He watched her train with his fists balled up in frustration. The nerve of her, to stand there oblivious to the way she made him feel. To be everything he wanted, and everything more he needed. On the battlefield, she'd proven herself to be intelligent, strategic and resourceful; and off, she was just as much. But if you really payed attention to Mikasa, as Levi learned, you could catch a glimpse of the warm and soft person underneath.
Levi hadn't meant to look, honestly. It had been a genuine accident. But nevertheless, over time he saw it more and more. The way she cared deeply, loved wholly and lived as purely as a soldier could. She was honest (sometimes to the point of brashness) and talented. But most of all she was capable – capable of matching him, both physically and intellectually.
Mikasa wasn't the kind of person who needed to be taken care of. She didn't need constant reassurance. She didn't need, or seem to want, any kind of guardian. Rather, what she needed – what she deserved – was an equal.
That was what he would tell himself to justify his feelings. "She deserves me," he'd whisper when no one else could hear him. "Above all the bumbling, bratty children who drool over her, she deserves me." He'd slam his fist on his desk, knocking over a jar of pencils or sending papers flying. "I could be her equal. I could make her happy."
But she didn't want him: that much was obvious. She barely spoke to him unless she had to. Given that they were warriors of the highest calibre, Levi and Mikasa had worked closely together on missions in the past. She had a smart mouth on her, that girl, and at first it irritated him. But it eventually became one of the many things he liked about her. He treasured every word she said to him, because when they got back within the walls, they were as rare and precious as diamonds. He may as well not exist in her mind; and it drove him crazy.
No, she definitely didn't want him. And if someone else had caught her eye – someone truly better for her than him, someone worthy – maybe, just maybe Levi could accept that. His heart would always be hers, even if hers belonged to someone else, as he was sure it did. The problem was, that someone had no idea how lucky he was to be loved by her.
His fists clenched tighter, his irritation shifting targets as the scene unfolded. Goddamn fucking Jaeger was there, ready and willing to screw things up as he always did. He seemed to be having a little trouble with his gear. Mikasa had graciously offered to help, but Eren pushed her away both physically and verbally. "I'm not your brother!" he shouted at her. "Quit treating me like a baby!"
"Tch." It took every amount of self-control he had not to walk right up to Eren and beat the living shit out of him for that. Mikasa recoiled, stepping back several paces while Eren continued to struggle.
Why couldn't he see what a beautiful, wonderful woman he had wrapped around his finger? Why couldn't he treat her like the goddess that she was, and with the respect she deserved? Why did he constantly push her away like that?
Mikasa deserved better. She deserved so much better.
"I could be good for you," he said; but only in his mind. These were words he longed to tell her, but ones he never believed he could. "I understand you better than he does. I'd treat you right. I could be everything you need, and more."
While he couldn't seem to speak the words aloud, Levi had tried a hundred other ways to tell her. By memorising her favourite way to drink tea, and making it perfectly at every given opportunity. By keeping an especially close eye on her during missions, knowing full well she didn't need it. By asking for her thoughts and opinions on military matters. All small things that no ordinary person would read into; but it was all he was able to do. He loved her so much, but could only do so little about it.
Unable to take watching her another moment without risking slipping up and saying something he'd regret, Levi turned on his heel to leave, trying with all his might to ignore the aching pain in his chest.
She was his moon, and the night was too dark without her.
XXX
The worst part of wanting someone you can never have, is knowing it.
She'd look at him and see the stars; shining, spectacular, and entirely unreachable. Lit up against the blank backdrop of darkness that had swallowed their whole world; this bitter war was doing her only one kindness, and that was to highlight the person he truly was deep down.
Mikasa sighed at Eren and turned away from him in time to see Levi leaving the training area.
Damn that shorty. Damn him to eternal purgatory.
Mikasa had tried many a time to work out exactly why and how she'd fallen for the Corporal. Was it in the way he fought so hard against the titans, with unparalleled strength and skill? Was it in the way he cared for others; not openly, but deeply? The way he would kneel by a dying comrade's side, hold onto their hand, and offer them comfort and solace in their last moments? The way he made sure and swift decisions on the fly, rightfully earning all the trust and faith his subordinates had in him?
Maybe it was all these things combined, or maybe it was something that she was yet to pinpoint. Mikasa glanced over at Eren briefly while he wrestled with his gear. She was sure that it was no secret how much she loved him, but in certain moments – and this was something she was almost ashamed to admit, and would never say aloud – she couldn't stand to be around him.
Mikasa had always been the mother-type friend. The clean-your-room, eat-your-vegetables, what-sort-of-time-do-you-call-this figure in Eren's life; especially since his own mother died. She knew Eren resented it, but what choice did she have? He was determined and tough, sure. But he was also very immature. If Mikasa didn't take care of him, he'd die in a day.
Not that she minded a bit. Eren was family, and Mikasa would do anything to avoid losing her family yet again. But sometimes…sometimes she imagined what it would be like to not be responsible for the wellbeing of another. To speak and be understood, to act and be appreciated.
Maybe that was what drew her to Levi. They were on the same level, and often, on the same page. When they did disagree, the sparks could be seen from space; but they were usually able to talk out the problem logically and reach a compromise.
He was the ideal partner for her, romantically and otherwise – there was just one little problem.
It was an issue she hated having to address, but one she couldn't ignore. Levi could never see her the way she saw him.
As far as he was probably concerned, she was just another subordinate, albeit a powerful one. She was a good deal younger and less experienced than him. Their relationship was strictly professional, and she had little hope of changing that.
Oh, but if only she could. Mikasa treasured what time she did have with the Corporal, though most of it was spent fighting titans. There was something about him she didn't dare verbalise that just drew her in. Something that made her trust him like she could trust nobody else; something that made her love him like she had never loved anyone else.
She stayed silent about her feelings because it was the wiser thing to do – but every time she saw him, she desperately wished to damn common sense and be out with it already. She barely knew what to say when they weren't discussing tactical matters, because in her mind, all roads lead to the same place. Therefore, she kept quiet, and probably to his preference. Levi wasn't known for his chatty personality.
Once, while on a mission, the flat side of a rogue blade had almost cut Levi, and he'd had to swerve awkwardly to miss it. Unfortunately, this resulted in a nasty bump to the head which knocked him unconscious for a good hour. Mikasa had been the one to stay with him, keeping a cold, wet cloth on his forehead to soothe the pain when he awoke, and generally doing all she could to make him comfortable.
They were in a secluded forest, and the tranquillity and isolation of their situation had emboldened her for one glorious moment. She'd leaned down and kissed him sweetly on the forehead when nobody else was around, and almost could have sworn that he smiled in his sleep – almost.
"I wish I could just tell you how I feel," she'd murmured, only brave enough to say the words because there'd be no way he could hear them. She'd sat cross-legged in the grass with his head in her lap, brushing his hair off his face ever so gently. "Even if it's against the rules, even if you didn't love me back right away. Maybe…maybe in time you could come to see, right here is where you belong. With someone who loves you. With me, Levi."
Normally when Mikasa addressed him, she used his ranking, or some generic term like "Sir". It was rare for her to speak his name; and yet, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
When Levi did wake, he was none the wiser about anything Mikasa did or said. He was, however, a little perplexed at the lengths she'd gone to, to keep him safe and secure. But no doubt had put it down to her "doing her duty", or some such cliché.
Mikasa turned back to Levi as he faded from view and sighed mournfully, the small sound missed by her busy peers.
To her, he was akin to the stars themselves. She could stand up as tall as she could make herself and reach with all her might, but he would always be too far away to touch.