JAG - Bud Roberts

THE DARK NIGHT

By Nettie

Thursday 0389

Roberts' Residence

Bud awoke is a sweat, he looked across the bed and Harriet was still sleeping soundly. Gently he eased himself to side of the bed and attached the prosthetic leg which had been leaning against the dresser. He stood and walked gingerly to the door, looking back just once to make sure Harriet was still asleep.

In the darkness, he reached for the railing and guided himself down the stairs. He went into the study and sat in the armchair and looked out the window into the blackness. He had found himself in this same position on almost a nightly basis of late. He thought it better to be in his study than risk waking Harriet.

The wind outside was blowing the tree branches back and forth across the window but as the clouds were blocking the moonlight only variations of dark could be seen. He had been sitting there an hour before he heard footsteps on the stairs.

Harriet stopped at the door and looked into the study.

'Bud, are you in there?' she asked quietly. His first thought was to say nothing but then realized she would only go on to check the whole house.

'Yes, I'm here Harriet,' he replied quietly.

'What are you doing, Bud?'

'Nothing, Harriet.'

Are you alright?'

'Yes, go back to bed.'

And then there was silence. Bud knew she hadn't left but she didn't say anything else. Harriet made her way to the footstool beside Bud's chair and sat down. She reached out and took Bud's hand in hers and kissed it. Together they sat and looked into the blackness and there was silence.

Harriet squeezed Bud's hand and broke the silence. 'Bud, talk to me.' Then silence engulfed them again but only for a short while. In a voice barely above a whisper Bud began to talk.

'Harriet, do you realise that on Sunday it will be a year since this?' he said tapping his leg. 'A whole year has passed and I guess it has just been playing on my mind recently.' Harriet said nothing but continued to hold his hand. 'It's been a really hard year and I was just thinking about all the what-ifs and what-might-have-beens. The last 362 days have been terrible. I often sit here and think how much better it may have been if…if I hadn't of made it.' Harriet stifled a sob. 'I know I haven't been much of a husband to you or a father to little AJ and that hurts me deeply. I just don't know how to fix it.' Bud stopped talking and stared out into the nothingness.

'When this happened I was so angry. I was angry at myself for getting hurt, I was angry at the Admiral for making me go, I was angry at the Commander and Colonel for willing me to live when I just wanted to die. I was angry at the Navy, at the bastards who planted the landmine, at you and the whole world.'

'Me?' asked Harriet. 'Why were you angry at me?'

'Because you still loved me and I didn't think I deserved it.'

'But Bud…'

'Harriet, when we first met I couldn't believe that someone as beautiful as you would ever fall for me. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't think I ever truly believed that I was a man that was good enough for you. Then when this happened I thought I was even less of a man and that you wouldn't love me anymore. I guess I was full of self-pity and the fact that you continued to love me made me feel even worse. I wanted you to go away and leave me alone and because you wouldn't do that I was so very angry.'

Harriet was stunned, she knew Bud had had some down periods since the accident but the extent of these revelations were new to her.

'But Bud…' she began again.

'I hated the rehab, everyone telling me to try harder when I just wanted to give up. I hated coming home, a new house and I couldn't even get up the stairs to our bed. I hated the thought of going back to work and all the pitiful looks and sympathetic comments. I hated the Navy for questioning my ability to practice law just because my leg was missing.'

Harriet looked at him and saw a tear slip silently down his cheek.

'It's hard to think that a year ago everything was perfect and now, well now it's not. The year has been cursed. 362 days of pain, depression and hatred. I can cope most of the time but in the middle of the night I sit here and hold my breath and imagine how it would be to be dead. And to be honest, some days I think it would have been preferable.'

Harriet stood and Bud thought she was leaving, instead she knelt down in front of him and put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. 'Bud Roberts, let me make myself very clear, you living was the best thing that happened this year. You see it as 362 days of being cursed. I see it as 362 days of blessings. I know it has been so hard for you. I can feel your pain, even when you won't share it with me.' She kissed him again. 'Bud, I fell in love with you because you are a kind and wonderful man. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world because I got to marry my best friend. Whenever I think about how I could have lost you my heartaches. It's not just that I would be mourning a husband, I'd be mourning the loss of me, the loss of us. You might not think you've been much of a father but you have – you're here now, AJ knows you, he loves you. We know what the loss of a father can do to a young boy and you spared AJ that trauma. And as a husband, well it took some time but we are happily married, aren't we?'

'Yes.'

'There are lots of things I would change about the last 362 days if I could but I can't, but we need to look at the blessings it gave us.'

'Harriet, I love you dearly but you only see the rosy side, there weren't too many blessings.'

'I can count three immediately.'

'What are they?'

'Bud, you came back to us – blessing 1. You are here today – blessing 2…

'And blessing 3?'

'This,' she said placing his hand on her stomach. 'Blessing 3 is our baby.'

In the darkness they embraced and in a shower of tears declared their love for each other. Then Bud stood and took Harriet by the hand and led her back to their bed. It was time to forget the past and live for the future.