Talkshows fill your days,

Something is slipping away

Sometimes it feels like you don't have a body

Your skin is cellophane

You know I feel the same

Sometimes it feels like you don't have a body

[Body – The Servant]

We all go to dark places sometimes, but if you start to stay in them, it gets dangerous. Addiction, in all of its shapes (drug abuse, anorexia, etc...), is nothing to hate or look down on people for. It's mostly a silent scream and the hope that someone will say stop before it gets to bad, because you can't do it yourself anymore and you're too ashamed to ask for help.

I've been there and I've hurt people and I've hated myself for it. It gets easier over time, but it will always be a part of me that I have to fight.

So if you think you're in danger of becoming addicted, ask for help, before it gets too serious. There's nothing weak about needing help and there are so many things in life that are worth staying. Every human being is so fragile and everyone of us could die so easily. No need to push it.

So...This is a dark story and I tried to write it so that it fits with what has been said on Grey's and PP about Amelia's addiction and that one night (and while writing it I've come to the conclusion what great flashback material this would be, Shonda!)

Please tell me what you think!

You can't remember when it started and you don't want to, because the life before was just dark.

You used to think about it, when people tried to warn you, but now that seems just ridiculous. If they had ever felt what you are feeling right now, the rush, the high, being in this state where nothing can harm you, yet seeing the world around you with much more sensitivity...they would stop the teaching and just join you.

You get out of your brother's mustang, it had made crazy noises the last few miles, but maybe that's just you hallucinating. Your legs feel a little shaky, partly from the speed and partly because it's time again. You don't know, whether anybody is home, but you don't care. All you can think of is the box in your pocket.

A neighbour looks at you in a weird way and you would have been polite and waved, if your hands hadn't started shaking, too. He says something, but you don't listen.

When the key drops a third time, you kick the door in anger and say some words that make the damn neighbour disappear, finally.

You take a deep breath and the fact that it hurts, reminds you how badly you have to go inside. Not that you couldn't take them right here, but opening a brand new box is something special, plus the first minutes can be crazy sometimes and your mother has had it bad enough. No reason to embarrass her in front of some nosy neighbours... Hell, even your thoughts are in need of a new dose.

When the door finally opens, you rush up to your room, past all the family pictures on the walls that seem to choke you, and throw yourself onto your bed. You could wait a little longer, you know that, the shaking is not that bad and you still feel the urge to giggle. Yet what you can also feel is the box, whose edges sting through the fabric of your tight jeans into your flesh.

You haven't done Vicodin before, too much of a cliche, but Lortab was out and you didn't want to drive to the pharmacy in the Bronx.

You stopped fiddling out single pills a long time ago and just pour out all in once, still making sure that none of these precious white ovals roll away from your colourful childish bedspread.

The last thing you hear is the sound of a parking car, then you drift away.

xxx

Derek took two bottles of beer out of the fridge and scuffed into the living room, where Mark sat in front of a black tv screen.

"Sure this is the tape with the craniotomy? Looks black to me..." Mark raised one eyebrow and took the bottle Derek handed him.

"Yep, I pinched it myself."

"Then maybe your player is broken..." Mark looked around. "Didn't Addie wanna watch, too?"

"Yeah, but she was at the hospital the last two days, so I think it's not a good idea to wake her up now." Derek sighed and dropped onto the couch.

"Hmm, but maybe she is better with the tv than you are." Mark grinned and Derek rolled his eyes at him.

"Okay, so now you're going over from mocking my technical equipment to mocking me?" He shook his head dramatically and kneeled down next to his friend to prove him wrong.

"Maybe you just have to rewind the tape..."

"I have."

"Or to shift the tv to player mode?"

"I have!"

"Well, then something must be wrong..."

Mark sighed. "That's what I'm saying." Why was nothing ever right before Derek decided that is was?

Derek chuckled to himself, as he saw, how annoyed his best friend was. That was something he didn't get to see very often. Maybe he hadn't gotten some in a few days, that would definitely have some unbalancing influence on someone like Mark.

"What are you laughing at?" Mark was about to knock Derek over with the remote, as he suddenly spotted a very pale Addison on the stairs.

Derek noticed how his face changed and turned around.

"Honey, are you okay? I'm sorry we didn't want to wake-"

"Your mum just called. It's about Amy..."

xxx

Everything hurts.

You don't know what happened and you don't think you can move, your body feels like lead.

Someone is pumping your chest in a rhythm that seems familiar to you. You try to breathe, but it hurts so much, that you want to scream. Only you can't.

The sound of your gasping fills your head and you panic, because you suddenly know, what's going on. You're gonna die.

Isn't that what you wanted? To be numb, immune to bad feelings, in a better place where people hadn't stopped caring already? Where you could maybe like yourself?

You try to grab something, to hold onto this world, but you're not on your bed anymore, you're lying on a strechter.

A woman is crying and a man is shouting, but they can't help you getting more air into your lungs. You don't know who these people are, all you know is, that you want to stay with them.

Someone takes the hand you've stretched out, finally.

You try to open your eyes wider, to see better, but it doesn't work. Everything is cloudy. The person holding your hand tries talking to you and to the shouting man. It's a woman in a red cloud and you think it might be Addison.

That's a good thing, Addison is strong, she can keep you in this world. You close your eyes and focus on your breathing, that keeps your heart in motion, and on the hand, that wouldn't let you go, even if you wanted.

The shouting man stops shouting and you feel something pouring down on your face. He's started crying. And it's a good thing that you can feel his tears.

xxx

When Nancy arrived at the hospital, she found her mother in Mark's arms and her brother sitting on the ground, his back leaning against the cold brick wall. She had called her sisters, of course, but she and Derek were the only ones still living in New York.

She walked over to her mother, because Derek looked as if he could handle only himself at the moment, and glanced thankfully at Mark, who seemed pretty upset himself and just nodded.

The moment her daughter hugged her, Carolyn Shepherd burst out into another wave of tears and sobs.

"She...she was dead..."

"Shh, I know, mum..."

"...for three minutes..."

"It's okay, everything is gonna be alright..." Nancy swallowed the huge knot, that had built up in her throat and snuffled.

Finally, the door in front of them opened and Addison came out of the ICU. She looked as terrible as everyone else, except that she apparently hadn't cried, and her hand was almost dead, but she didn't care. As soon as they had reached hospital grounds, family members weren't allowed to treat other family members, but she had kept holding Amelia's hand, afraid of what would happen if she let go.

She smiled weakly as she saw Nancy and got a weak smile back, before she kneeled down in front of Derek, stroking his shoulder.

"They can't say anything yet, but...it looks good." She said softly and swallowed hard, trying to make eyecontact with him, but he wouldn't let her in.

"She was dead for three minutes, Addison. Her brain was without oxygen for three minutes, she -" He threw his perscription pad they had found on Amelia's bed against the opposite wall.

"Come on, don't beat yourself up." Mark sat down beside his friend and squeezed his shoulder, as the tears started to roll down Derek's cheeks again.

A nurse appeared at the door to the ICU.

"Who was there for first aid for Ms. Shepherd?"

Addison looked at Derek. "Do you want me to go?"

He just nodded, but squeezed her hand when she stood up, telling her thank you.

"We just have a few questions about the medication, Dr Shepherd, it shouldn't take long."

Addison went with the nurse and when she came back, Carolyn and Nancy could already go and see Amelia.

Addison ran her fingers through her hair and spotted Derek, who was still sitting on the ground with Mark.

"He doesn't want to see her." Nancy had noticed Addie's surprise. "It's okay, he can go when he is ready. And you should get some rest, you look as if you're just about to faint from exhaustion." She hugged Addie and gave her one last concerned look before she followed her mother and Addison walked over to Mark and Derek.

"You're shaking, Red, come on, I'll get you a chocolate bar or something." Mark stroked her back, feeling how tense she was.

"It's okay, I'm fine."

She was not and he went anyway, glad to be able to do something.

Derek stood up and hugged her tightly. She wouldn't go away, she was right here with him, nothing would happen to change that. He sobbed slightly and Addison had a hard time to stay calm, but she had to be strong for him.

"It's okay." She gently broke loose from his embrace.

"Derek, look at me. Go with Nancy and your mum, okay? You will hate yourself if you don't." She tried to sound as encouraging as possible. Amy was his baby sister. He would never call her that, but it was a fact. Addison had been a part of the Shepherds long enough to know how much especially these two loved each other.

"I-"

"Just try."

Derek wanted to be mad, mad at his stupid sister who OD'ed, mad at himself for letting his perscription pad lying around and lending her his car, mad at all of them for believing her lies over and over again knowing that she was a drug addict. He could handle rage, it was so much easier than sitting through pain.

But it wasn't right to let it out on Addison, so he tried to calm himself down. He took a deep breath.

"Alright. I'm gonna go. But that doesn't change anything."

Addison stroked his arm encouragingly as he walked by and watched him go through the glass door. She knew this about Derek, that he shifted from pain to rage, when it got too much, but she hadn't seen it in a while. All she knew was that once he did it, he wouldn't go back easily.

Mark squeezing her shoulder startled her out of her thoughts and she turned around. Actually he wanted to cheer her up with a stupid chocolate boy smile, but when he saw her face, all he could do was hug her.

"Something has changed today." She mumbled into his chest and when he whispered "I know", and stroked her hair, she fell apart.

That was her right.