Title: Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl.
Plot: Plot? Oh, *that* thing. There will be another chapter. Eventually. Hopefully.
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. No, wait, that's a lie.
A/N: I apologize greatly for anyone who was offended by the sheer stupidity of this story. I wrote this when I was completely hyped up on those little sticks of sherbet.
Also, this is not a Harry/Cho fic. Don't let the first few lines put you off. Harry will eventually realize later on in the story that Ginny (or Draco.) is the only one for him. Please please please review, as this is the first fanfic I've ever posted. I don't care if you write anything from; "I love it, write more!" to "Please for the safety of yourself and others around you, don't write anything else. Ever." You can send feedback to kewen@end-war.com, or just click on the review box thing .
.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
.
Harry looked into her eyes, she was so beautiful. So happy. 'I want you harry,' whispered Cho, her breath tickling his ear, 'kiss me, please.' Cho parted her lips slightly and leant forwards expectantly. They were so close now, they were going to kiss...
CLANG
"Wazza?" grunted harry, just in time to see Hedwig's cage teetering dangerously over the windowsill. "Wyaaaa!" yelled harry, before he realized Hedwig wasn't in it. The cage gave another wobble, before toppling off the windowsill into Harry's bedroom. Harry made a grab for it but was too late. The cage fell onto the floor with a clatter, spilling bird poo, food and newspaper everywhere.
'Shit!' screamed harry as he fought to catch hold of something to prevent him from skidding through the mess on the floor. He managed to catch hold of the side of the desk and somehow ended up pulling that over on top of him. 'Shit!' yelled Harry again as he landed face first into bird mess. 'Bleargh' said Harry as he wiped the remaining poo from his nose. He got out an old used tissue that was beginning to go green round the edges, and began to wipe his glasses.
It wasn't the first time this had happened.
Hedwig got awfully upset when he didn't put her cage near the window. Even more upset if the window wasn't open. But it was Harry's own fault that he didn't clean out the cage. Because quite frankly, he couldn't be arsed. The result was usually the cage being blown over by the wind and fresh droppings sprinkled everywhere.
Harry had been more than delighted when Hagrid had given him an owl. But he wasn't too pleased when he found out that he also had to clean it out and feed it and let it swoop around at night screeching and bringing back dead mice. What's the use of being a wizard if you can't magic away owl crap? If he used his magic outside of hogwarts he could be expelled, though he was tempted. It was probably worth it, just so incidents like this didn't happen on a regular basis. That was when the problems started.
The first owl Harry had received was a present from Hagrid. He had named it Hedwig. Now, like most owls, Hedwig would fly around at night hoping to catch something. She hardly ever did, and in her frustration she would screech until dawn.
Eventually Harry got fed up with this and lobbed a shoe at her from his window. It struck her on the head with incredible accuracy, and she dropped like a stone. 'Bugger' said Harry.
Harry knew that Hagrid would be rather upset if he knew that harry had killed his owl, especially if he knew Harry had deliberately killed it with a shoe, so he went and bought another one sharpish. This one also had a coat of snowy white feathers. He named it Hedwig 2.
Luckily, Hagrid didn't notice the difference, despite the fact that this owl was about half the size of Hedwig number 1.
Eventually, harry got very pissed with this owl for exactly the opposite reason. Hedwig 2 would stay in her cage for entire months, not move or make any sound, collecting dust and gradually developed asthma.
Harry was quite often woken from his erotic dreams with Cho by the sound of Hedwig 2's wheezing.
Ron suggested giving her a cough potion. Stupidly, Harry agreed.
After Hedwig had exploded, they held a brief funeral for her by the lake.
"Poor Hedwig" sniffled Hermione, blowing her nose on Ron's sleeve. Ron didn't seem to notice. "Poor Harry too. That's the second owl you've killed off this year."
"That was Ron's fault!" argued Harry.
"Yes, but we all know better than to listen to Ron, don't we?" Said Hermione. Ron nodded in agreement.
"Shut up" said Harry irritably as he tossed Hedwig 2 into the lake.
A long tentacle snaked out of the water, curled around the white mass of feathers and dragged the owl under the surface of the lake barely causing a ripple.
"Bugger." said Harry.
Hedwig 3 had been a big mistake. Probably because she wasn't an owl. She was a cat. There were no more owls left in the Pet shop, and the closest the shop owner could come to 'large female snowy white owl' was 'large female ginger and black with half it's ear missing fur ball.'
Unfortunately for Harry and Hedwig 3, Ron decided to give her flying lessons, not realizing that she wasn't an owl. Despite the fact that this particular Hedwig had no feathers, wings or beak, Ron claimed that 'they all looked the same'.
'Bugger' said Harry as he saw his cat thrown from the astronomy tower to Ron's cries of 'flap birdy, flap!'
Harry's current owl was Hedwig 4. She had miraculously survived the summer holidays, and Harry guessed she was out hunting. Hermione had very kindly bought Harry this one, after she made him promise not to kill it like he had the last two (or three, depending on whether you count Hedwig 3 or not.)
Harry thought he should get back to clearing up the mess on the floor. Just then Hedwig landed on the bed and gave Harry the customary greeting of doing a large turd on the bed covers. Harry's eye twitched furiously, and it took all is willpower to keep himself from taking his wand and jamming it up the damn owl's feathery little arse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sooooo, whadaya think? Right. I get the message. *whacks self repeatedly with saucepan*
Plot: Plot? Oh, *that* thing. There will be another chapter. Eventually. Hopefully.
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. No, wait, that's a lie.
A/N: I apologize greatly for anyone who was offended by the sheer stupidity of this story. I wrote this when I was completely hyped up on those little sticks of sherbet.
Also, this is not a Harry/Cho fic. Don't let the first few lines put you off. Harry will eventually realize later on in the story that Ginny (or Draco.) is the only one for him. Please please please review, as this is the first fanfic I've ever posted. I don't care if you write anything from; "I love it, write more!" to "Please for the safety of yourself and others around you, don't write anything else. Ever." You can send feedback to kewen@end-war.com, or just click on the review box thing .
.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Harry potter and the suicidal snowy owl~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
.
Harry looked into her eyes, she was so beautiful. So happy. 'I want you harry,' whispered Cho, her breath tickling his ear, 'kiss me, please.' Cho parted her lips slightly and leant forwards expectantly. They were so close now, they were going to kiss...
CLANG
"Wazza?" grunted harry, just in time to see Hedwig's cage teetering dangerously over the windowsill. "Wyaaaa!" yelled harry, before he realized Hedwig wasn't in it. The cage gave another wobble, before toppling off the windowsill into Harry's bedroom. Harry made a grab for it but was too late. The cage fell onto the floor with a clatter, spilling bird poo, food and newspaper everywhere.
'Shit!' screamed harry as he fought to catch hold of something to prevent him from skidding through the mess on the floor. He managed to catch hold of the side of the desk and somehow ended up pulling that over on top of him. 'Shit!' yelled Harry again as he landed face first into bird mess. 'Bleargh' said Harry as he wiped the remaining poo from his nose. He got out an old used tissue that was beginning to go green round the edges, and began to wipe his glasses.
It wasn't the first time this had happened.
Hedwig got awfully upset when he didn't put her cage near the window. Even more upset if the window wasn't open. But it was Harry's own fault that he didn't clean out the cage. Because quite frankly, he couldn't be arsed. The result was usually the cage being blown over by the wind and fresh droppings sprinkled everywhere.
Harry had been more than delighted when Hagrid had given him an owl. But he wasn't too pleased when he found out that he also had to clean it out and feed it and let it swoop around at night screeching and bringing back dead mice. What's the use of being a wizard if you can't magic away owl crap? If he used his magic outside of hogwarts he could be expelled, though he was tempted. It was probably worth it, just so incidents like this didn't happen on a regular basis. That was when the problems started.
The first owl Harry had received was a present from Hagrid. He had named it Hedwig. Now, like most owls, Hedwig would fly around at night hoping to catch something. She hardly ever did, and in her frustration she would screech until dawn.
Eventually Harry got fed up with this and lobbed a shoe at her from his window. It struck her on the head with incredible accuracy, and she dropped like a stone. 'Bugger' said Harry.
Harry knew that Hagrid would be rather upset if he knew that harry had killed his owl, especially if he knew Harry had deliberately killed it with a shoe, so he went and bought another one sharpish. This one also had a coat of snowy white feathers. He named it Hedwig 2.
Luckily, Hagrid didn't notice the difference, despite the fact that this owl was about half the size of Hedwig number 1.
Eventually, harry got very pissed with this owl for exactly the opposite reason. Hedwig 2 would stay in her cage for entire months, not move or make any sound, collecting dust and gradually developed asthma.
Harry was quite often woken from his erotic dreams with Cho by the sound of Hedwig 2's wheezing.
Ron suggested giving her a cough potion. Stupidly, Harry agreed.
After Hedwig had exploded, they held a brief funeral for her by the lake.
"Poor Hedwig" sniffled Hermione, blowing her nose on Ron's sleeve. Ron didn't seem to notice. "Poor Harry too. That's the second owl you've killed off this year."
"That was Ron's fault!" argued Harry.
"Yes, but we all know better than to listen to Ron, don't we?" Said Hermione. Ron nodded in agreement.
"Shut up" said Harry irritably as he tossed Hedwig 2 into the lake.
A long tentacle snaked out of the water, curled around the white mass of feathers and dragged the owl under the surface of the lake barely causing a ripple.
"Bugger." said Harry.
Hedwig 3 had been a big mistake. Probably because she wasn't an owl. She was a cat. There were no more owls left in the Pet shop, and the closest the shop owner could come to 'large female snowy white owl' was 'large female ginger and black with half it's ear missing fur ball.'
Unfortunately for Harry and Hedwig 3, Ron decided to give her flying lessons, not realizing that she wasn't an owl. Despite the fact that this particular Hedwig had no feathers, wings or beak, Ron claimed that 'they all looked the same'.
'Bugger' said Harry as he saw his cat thrown from the astronomy tower to Ron's cries of 'flap birdy, flap!'
Harry's current owl was Hedwig 4. She had miraculously survived the summer holidays, and Harry guessed she was out hunting. Hermione had very kindly bought Harry this one, after she made him promise not to kill it like he had the last two (or three, depending on whether you count Hedwig 3 or not.)
Harry thought he should get back to clearing up the mess on the floor. Just then Hedwig landed on the bed and gave Harry the customary greeting of doing a large turd on the bed covers. Harry's eye twitched furiously, and it took all is willpower to keep himself from taking his wand and jamming it up the damn owl's feathery little arse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sooooo, whadaya think? Right. I get the message. *whacks self repeatedly with saucepan*