I am carried

Scenario: Peter, High King of Narnia is facing his own doubts and fears until he meets with Aslan

Author's Note: A somewhat spiritual, introspective piece that reflects my emotions at present.

o0o

Walking alone, soul-tired and weary, I lift my face to the dark night, the biting salt wind brushing my face and sifting through my hair. I feel as if the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders, crushing me beneath its heavy expectations and trivialities. The night closes cool around me and I am faintly aware of the silver dunes that rise in crisp peaks, their beauty piercing the darkness. The moon gives just enough light that I can discern the grey mist that settles eerily along the coast, smoky tendrils creeping over the waves and curling in front of me, so that I can barely see where I am going.

But I do not care…

There is no comfort for me tonight…

Tonight only duty and pain, pain at seeing the look of disappointment on my sibling's faces, the pain of knowing I have failed them, the pain of having to slip out unnoticed so I won't break down in front of them.

Oh Aslan!

You promised you would be there for me! But where are you? How can you expect me to trust you, when you're not here when I need you? Your name stirs such strange emotions in me. And how I need you right now to guide me… and yet, how frightened I am of facing your righteous anger, of seeing the look of disappointment in your eyes.

I know you gave this title to me Aslan. I know… But I don't want it anymore…

Not now…

I lift my face to the wind, ashamed as tears fall unchecked down my cheeks, stinging in the salt spray air. The night is strangely turbulent and echoes the restlessness of my soul, but where are you? You are no-where to be seen…

How can I do this Aslan?

What do you want from me?

How can a child rule a Kingdom?

Suddenly I sense my body as it falls through the air as if in slow motion, my foot caught on some sharp piece of driftwood and I land hard on the sand below. Everything accumulates together in my mind, every fear and every doubt and I am struck immobile with a sense of despair. I lie there, not moving for a moment, sand in my mouth and bury my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking as the wind washes over me.

"Son of Adam…"

My head comes up as I hear the voice I have been almost dreading to hear, and I look out to sea as a sudden brilliant seam of light splits the horizon into two. Blazing streams of fiery, molten gold and deep vermilion rise into flaming walls on the surface of the water. I gasp as I glimpse within the column of fire, a white light that is almost impossible to look at. A light that is living, breathing, organic…

The light travels not through the water, but on top of it.

Beautiful beyond belief… captivating, spellbinding…

And I watch as the dazzling points of light form together into the shape of a golden lion.

"Son of Adam," the majestic voice repeats, and I tremble, knowing beyond a doubt that my thoughts are open to you, to your all-seeing eyes. I stay where I am, not able to lift up my eyes.

"Peter…"

And then you are only a little way off, treading gently on the water, your golden mane blowing faintly in the breeze. Tears come to my eyes at the intimacy in that loving tone.

"Peter, my child… why won't you look at me?"

I cringe as you read my thoughts, burying my fists into the sand, my hair blowing chaotically over my face.

"Because…" I whisper. "I am ashamed…"

"And why are you ashamed?"

I look up, wondering why you are asking when you know it already.

"Because… because I have failed you…"

There is silence for a time, a formidable silence that grows heavy in my heart and I can hear your gentle breathing, the sound somewhat sad and yet strangely comforting at the same time.

"You have not failed, Son of Adam…"

I look up again, stunned but your golden eyes are kind.

"Come… walk with me Peter…"

And I get up as if in a dream, as if pulled by some irresistible force, my heart pounding in my ears to the edge of the ocean, the shallow waves lapping at my ankles, my knees, my waist, to where you wait for me. You are standing on the water, your great paws leaving only a trail of silver imprints on the waves. Your warm breath overwhelms me, the radiance of your beauty terrifies me, and in that moment I forget who I am, where I am and kneel in the wake of white moonlight, receiving a mouthful of salty water.

I splutter and laugh awkwardly, trying to stand in the waves but failing miserably, and it is not until you extend a gentle paw that I take hold and rest my face against your warm side. It is as if your warmth penetrates through to my bones and I can smell the most beautiful, earthy smell of growing, living things and something indiscernible which brings burning tears to my eyes. And I realise I have never felt as perfectly… safe… as I do now with you…

Something inside me breaks and I weep hard against your side, fingers burying into your warm fur. And you stay there, not talking, not moving and waves of love and comfort wash over me, filling me, lifting me…

"Aslan…"

The sound comes out slightly muffled but strangely relieved. It is as if I can accept anything now… even your punishment if it comes to that. I pull back from you and your eyes look grave, sad even.

"Walk beside me Peter…"

I nod, my heart in my throat and slide my hands through your thick fur, taking a firm hold. I don't even notice that we are walking further away from the shore, through the column of light, that somehow, between one step and the next, I have progressed from being in the water to on top of it.

I gasp, and cling on to you tight when I realise, the wet water gracing the soles of my feet, at once cold, yet strangely resistant. You look at me, laughter in your golden eyes and breathe a single phrase.

"Trust me…"

And looking into your eyes, I realise that I do.

It isn't until we have walked a fair way from the shore that you turn to me with questioning eyes.

"Speak what is on your heart Peter…"

I repress my shame and recount my many fears and failures because I know you will listen.

"I think maybe you have chosen the wrong King Aslan… for surely I am not the one…"

You look at me curiously for a moment, patiently and I can see the dancing tongues of flame reflected in your eyes.

"I do not make mistakes, Peter, Son of Adam. I chose you… and that reason and that reason alone makes you the true and rightful King of Narnia…"

"But I…I… " I splutter incoherently, my thoughts in turmoil. If only I could believe that strongly enough.

I am surrounded by columns of blazing light, like fire. And I lift my face to the open night sky, my thoughts as confused and scattered as the numerous constellations I see there. And I feel absolutely insignificant in comparison.

"You were predestined to rule before the shaping of the world… You and your brother and sisters together… You are royalty whether you feel you are or not. Do not ever doubt this."

I bow my head.

"Yes Aslan… but I feel inadequate, foolish sometimes in the wake of responsibility that comes with all this…

How can I lead the people if I myself, am only a child?"

You look at me, again patient beyond understanding.

"The wisdom of a child is beyond telling… but you are nearly a man, Peter…"

"But who will counsel me, who will stand by me…?"

"Your brothers and sisters will stand by you… and I… I am always with you…"

I feel a cold nose touch my forehead and warm lion-breath and I shiver, feeling ashamed of the doubting thoughts in my head.

"But…you are not always here Aslan…"

You look at me sadly, as if discerning the pattern of my thoughts.

"That does not mean that I am not with you…I am with you whether you can see me or not." And your eyes are bright, beautiful and infinitely loving.

I look away, overcome with emotion, unable to meet your gaze and the brightness there. I feel tainted, unworthy, the sting of the salt spray touches my cheek and I shiver as the coldness of the waves at my feet, penetrate to the bone.

"And… and what if… I do not have the strength to do this… what if I fail…?"

I tremble, closing my eyes against the tears, hating myself for my weakness and my lack of trust.

"I will always be with you Peter… although I will not always pick you up when you fall. Just as you have to learn to walk without your parent's hands… so do I have to let you learn and grow from your own mistakes…"

And I look up into your soul-searching eyes and see that you speak the truth, there is no darkness in you…

I shiver as the wall of dancing light dissipates, the darkness closing in on us like a shroud. I cling onto you tighter; you are the only bright thing in this treacherous, black sea. And for a moment, in my mind's eye, I see the image of a great lion and a young boy silhouetted against the powerful waves and I realise that it's you and you alone, who make me what I am.

You turn to me then, a bright sparkle in your eyes. "But there are times, dear heart…when I will lift you up and carry you…"

And the spoken words are so soft, so gentle; I hear them within my mind as they resonate within my very soul.

"Like now…"

You move forward and breathe on me lightly and I am caught up in wave upon wave of profound love and peace.

And I close my eyes as gentle warmth surrounds me and my face is buried in golden fur. I am faintly aware that we are moving at a lightening-fast pace across the sea and the bright constellations of stars above us are falling, spiraling, dripping down from the sky into the water, scattering diamonds of white-hot lights across the waves…

And I drift, drift into a warm, drowsy sleep, trusting you, resting in you, knowing that you will carry me home.