If I Had Known......
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them, wish I did.
Summary: Spike's thoughts after Buffy told him she'd been in heaven.
Reviews: Yes, please. Reviewers rule!
A/N: This occurred to me after watching 'After Life'. The look on Spike's face inspired me to try to catch his thoughts.
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Spike watched as Buffy walked through the sunlight back to the rear entrance of the Magic Box. He was stunned by what she'd just confided to him.
'She'd been in Heaven!'
He was overwhelmed by the selfishness of the Scoobies. Thoughts of what he'd like to do to the sodding humans fired a warning twinge from his chip. He noted gratefully that the sun had finally gone down enough for him to walk away in safety. Going home was imperative now because if he stayed in the vicinity much longer he feared he would do something damaging. As attractive as the thought of mindless violence directed at the Scoobies was, he really didn't want to go into a migraine-induced coma.
Deep in thought -he wasn't brooding thank you- he walked slowly back to his crypt. He headed down to the lower level and dug out his last bottle of Jack Daniels. The pain in his unbeating heart nearly crippled him.
'She'd been in heaven!'
The thought kept pounding through his brain. He dug a knuckle into his temple in a vain attempt to stop the incessant refrain. Upending the bottle, he swallowed a good portion of the alcohol. Maybe if he got drunk enough he could come to terms with the secret she'd told him. They can never know. That was the kicker. How in Bloody Hell was he supposed to keep quiet? He'd do it, for her, but it would be hard. He so wanted to commit violent acts against the Scoobies and tell them in exquisite detail exactly why.
Harris had been right. When he'd seen Buffy standing on the stairs it had been the happiest moment of his entire existence. But, now that he knew what the cost had been to the slayer, he felt sick. Several long swallows later, he was fuzzy enough to crash down on the bed.
'She'd been in heaven!'
She'd been at peace, finished, warm and loved. Finishing the bottle, he groaned.
"Oh God, Buffy. If I had known...." He passed out before he could finish the thought.
Finis