'Today sucked. First, I get my ass handed to me on a silver platter by Cardin, and then I get burned like the Hindenburg by Yang with her outrageous teasing, and the cherry on top would be that it is faunus mating season, and I still can't seem to get a girl. 'I am hopeless' I thought to myself as I logged into my personal computer, actually relying on the Internet to help me get a girl. 'Oum I'm pathetic' I thought to myself again, as I tried to be quiet when searching 'how to get a girl like a pro'. I saw that there was a video link and a warning saying 'WEAR HEADPHONES'. I left the room as stealthily as Faunusly possible, then made my way to the school's music studio, which was completely soundproof. I pulled the headphones out of my laptop, and then proceeded to watch the video. The thumbnail showed a picture of a man that had the same body structure as me, but in his arms was a model that would put Yang to shame, and he was wearing a fedora while smoking a blunt. 'This guy seems cool' I thought as he introduced himself. As the video went on, I took notes, because I knew I wouldn't be able to remember it all. At one part of the video, you could hear dubstep slowly increasing until he flipped his fedora the way Walter White does, and then all I could see were hitmarkers, weed, sample text, color filters, explosions, illuminati pyramids, and someone getting 420 SPOOKSCOPED. I heard gun shots, increasingly loud dubstep, "WOW", squeakers raging, "OHHHH OH OOOOOHHHH", OO BABY A TRIPLE", air horns, and then how the 'illuminancy was cunt firearmed'. Now, originally, if I wasn't completely desperate because my acts of bravery and chivalry failed, I would've just laughed and continued on. But I am desperate, and bravery and chivalry have failed, so this is my last resort. I hope Pyrrha doesn't think of me as a loser because of this.
Pyrrha's Dream
…. Mmph, Jaune you dork, come here and give your goddess a kiss…
Back to Jaune
"Ach-FUCK!" I sneezed and swore at the same time. "Strange, I only do that when someone talks about me." I shrugged it off, thinking it was just allergies. I switched videos, where a Japanese guy was talking about the 'Book of Pussy'. After the video, I was pretty sure I had what I needed to get a girl. I called up all the guys I knew in the school, they contacted others, and so on until all the guys were in on it, because even they were tired of picking on me, and they were all kind of sad, because even the king of the rejects got a girlfriend. Every dude has a girlfriend. Except me. The only single girls are Pyrrha, Yang, and a foreign student, Erin. All are pretty, all I don't have a regular chance with, and all I'm trying to woo. I fell asleep that night watching Shaun of the Dead on my scroll.
Tomorrow, same P.O.V
As I got my fedora ready after everyone had left, for it was a weekend now, I made sure ever guy knew, and that none of the girls knew, because then they could pass it to Erin, Blake, Yang, or worse, Pyrrha. I decided then that if I didn't get a girlfriend today, I would join the Scouting Legion and help fight tita- oops, wrong show. But I would join the Navy, possibly become a Marine, and never come back. The one question that weighed heaviest on my mind was 'when?' I decided dinnertime, alerted the guys, and went on my way, acting as inconspicuous as possible.
5 minutes before dinnertime
I had called in a few favors from some friends back home, and decided the finisher on tonight. "I hope this isn't overkill," I said to Ren, who just looked at me and said "Dude, an ODIN strike to destroy a single ant has less overkill than you in… four minutes." "Thanks for bringing my spirits up, might as well have put them on the Wonkavator and sent it through the roof," I said, voice flowing with sarcasm. "Let's just hope this works, otherwise it's off to hell I go." With that, we both left with hope in our hearts and doubts in our minds. When we reached the cafeteria, Ren walked in first, causing 1 guy to loudly cough into his shoulder, signaling all the others to watch the door, but still talk until I got to my table and the girls initiated conversation (ex. "Hi Jaune!"), to which I would reply "Milady" and flip my fedora, letting flow the gates of MLG hell (Basically the most MLG videos you can find).
I saw Ren sit down next to Nora and Blake, signaling me to walk in, and all the guys quiet down a bit so they can hear the signal. "Here goes nothing," I whispered to myself, as I got closer. Pyrrha noticed me and was about to say hello, before Yang stopped her by saying, "Wait!" "What?" said Pyrrha. "Something smells very fishy, and it isn't one of us." This caused all the girls (and Ren) to blush, while our friend, Zirc, was trying not to laugh his ass off. As I thanked Oum that I had put some anti persperant on, Yang looked around suspiciously, before allowing Pyrrha to continue on with her sentence. "U-Um, Hi J-J-Jaune" said Pyrrha, still embarrassed. With that, I expertly pulled my fedora out of my sleeve (thank you Ren), flipped it, and said "Milady," triggering the event known as " The Day Jaune Arc Got Slapped by 1 Girl, Punched By the notorious Yang Xiao Long, And Got Pyrrha Nikos to Be His Girlfriend". There were sniper shots going off, the words "Tample Sext" going around, Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites blaring, Hitmarkers everywhere, Air Horns going off, They Guys were yelling random stuff such as " Happy Feet", "WOMBO COMBO", and some just yelling. Hell, Ozpin got on the big screen and said "WOW" While winking. I saw Yang yelling "DAMMIT ARC!" The last thing I remember was a fist flying towards me, before I passed out, and didn't express my want for Pyrrha to be my girlfriend. She still got the message, thanks to my favors. The bullet holes in the wall said " Turn Around," so that when Pyrrha did, she was met with fireworks saying, "Pyrrha, will you be my girlfriend?" in big, red letters. Needless to say, we got together and got married after our graduation.
Epilogue.
"So that's how you and mom got together?" Said Delgado, my youngest son of 7. "Yes, and he was very romantic about it" said a slightly older (27) Pyrrha. " Come on honey, don't exaggerate. I wasn't romantic at all. In fact, the part that was the closest to being romantic were the fireworks," I said. "So Aunt Yang knocked you out?" Said Nicoel, our oldest Child of 14. "More like put me through a steel wall." Said I. "Wow, she's so nice to everyone, it's hard to find her scary" said Delgado. " Hey Dear, remember when Yang used to hospitalize anyone who touched her hair or Ruby?" "Yes Jaune, I remember. Although I cant believe she lets her little girl-who thinks her hair is unraveled yarn- play with it. Last I heard, she ripped out a handful and put it into a ball." "You're wondering about that? I'm still wondering how she and Blake had a child. Neither of them are guys, right?" I asked Pyrrha. "They're both girls, because when we played a certain Poker game our third year, they forgot to dress and stood up, revealing everything." "Dad, where DO babies come from?" At this, Pyrrha's and my eyes went wide. "That's a story for another time, Goodnight." We said quickly. "Phew" said Pyrrha. "You're telling me," I said. " Yeah. We dodged a bullet there." "Yeah we did, anyways, goodnight beautiful," I said, making my wife blush. "Goodnight…Handsome" She said, making me blush. We then fell asleep soon after.
Was it good, yeah it was, goodnight.