A Tormenting Philosophy
Preface
When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?
Chapter 1
Jared grimaced and rolled over in his sleep. He was drenched in cold sweat as he clenched his clammy hand around his pillow. He jerked awake, his eyes wide with fear. He was some-what calmed that he had escaped his dream and drew a deep breath as he lay back down. Staring at the familiar, comforting, ceiling above him. He had found the only way out of that dream. For he knew that no other way existed. Once he was in there, he could not escape. Never.
He turned his head and checked his alarm clock. It was 1:52pm. Good thing it was a Sunday or he would have missed school again. He slowly got up. He shivered, it was cold in his room, but maybe it was the salty water that still covered his pale body. Jared decided to take a shower. He swept the damp hair out of his face and headed for the bathroom.
He pulled his t-shirt over his head and discarded it on the wooden floor.
Turning on the shower, Jared let the water consume him.
After his shower, Jared put on a clean shirt and jeans before slamming the heavy door behind him. Jared sprinted down the path and into the cover of the woods. He needed to think. What was that dream about? He couldn't remember it at all yet it was all he could think about. He didn't stop, darting between the wide trunks and avoiding thick branches, until he tripped over a tree root. He lay in the undergrowth laughing. It made him feel so much better. A moment of bright before the darkness returned, as he knew it would. He wanted this to last longer. This was the only place he could really laugh. It felt so natural, lying in the leaves, just relaxing. Not having to worry about people judging you with cold eyes, arrogant minds, and hard smirks.
And then there was that piercing gloom again. How many times had he felt like this since it had happened? He didn't know, nor did he want to. Why couldn't he shake this off? The number of times he had encountered this dream, and yet, he still could not defeat it. Jared knew it was only his mind but it was the loneliest place. If he could at least remember the dream. What did it mean? Why was he so stupid as to let this bother him so? Jared spluttered as a leaf landed between his parted lips.
He scrambled to his feet and walked over to the nearest tree. It was a good tree; tall and sturdy, with many branches and hundreds of dark leaves. The bark was rough and thick; perfect for climbing. He scaled it with ease, soon reaching the top. Once there, he pulled a pad and pencil from his pocket and began drawing. He could see everything. The whole of La Push, stretched before him like a painting which the artist was asking his opinion on. The houses scattered around in abundance. Little cars navigating their way along the roads, twisting and turning through the remote town like a maze. Far off, he could see the ocean. And the larger town of Forks, merely a few minutes away.
It was nice to live in a small town where you knew everyone- nice or otherwise- the rest of the Quillette tribe were the only people he belonged with. He could probably name the owners of each car he saw. Except one, it was a green Honda. It seemed to be lost. It kept reversing and going a different way. He watched the little car's progress, intrigued. In the end, he saw a woman get out and begin talking with a local, who started making hand movements indicating directions. The woman nodded, shook the hand of her savior and got back into her car. He suspected they were tourists. There were few tourists in this wet little cove.
But before he could dwell on the subject much longer, his stomach growled loudly. What time was it? He jumped down from the tree, forgetting how high he had climbed, and landed heavily. Ouch. His knee thumped the earth and took most of the impact for his rough landing- Jared was not the most graceful of people.
He ran home before 'K' realized that he was missing. She would not be pleased if she found out that he had gone. Besides, he hadn't realized how hungry he was.
The house was empty when Jared returned, never the less he slipped quietly through the door and slunk into his room. It was already 6:38. He arranged some homework on his desk and sat down with no intention to attempt it. Waiting for his sister to arrive home from work, she would make tea. And then it returned. That dry feeling of; Guilt? Why? He had cleared hi mind of all dwellings on his hideous dream. Why should he be guilty for that? The thought angered him. What was happening?!
'Jared. Jared are you there?' 'K' called once she was inside the house, interrupting his line of thought.
'Hey'
'I'm home.'
'Yes, I gathered that'
'Tea'll be ready in around an hour' she said, opening the door to his room and peering in at him. 'Ah, you're doing homework, that's good.'
'Mm' Jared grunted.
'How was your day, do anything exiting?' Jared shook his head. 'It's nice to see you had a shower. You stank. Anyway I'll be in the kitchen if you want help.' And 'K' left the room. Leaving Jared with the aching anger. He thrust his fist into the wall, denting it and accomplishing nothing but a bloody mangle of skin on his knuckles.
Jared swept the homework and stationary off his desk and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't remember his dream. All he knew was that what he had wanted more than anything was to escape it. To get away from it and never go back. He remembered nothing else of the dream. But it had felt disgustingly familiar. As if he couldn't prevent it. And it would bother him until he understood it. But how could he possibly understand what he dreaded. He couldn't think once he was there. Only watch desperately.
He sat cross legged on the floor, thinking. He snatched up some sheets of paper strewn across his floor. He picked up a pencil and began drawing. Drawing was his only escape, from this world at least.
After tea, Jared returned to his room. He lay in his bed scrutinizing his ceiling as if it was concealing the answers he so desperately seeked. He was so tired. His mind fleetingly came to the new car he had seen today before he fell asleep.
He woke with a start. Jared's blanket slid off him and crumpled on the floor. He sat in horror staring at his shaking hands. Blood. It was all he could remember of his dream. He shook the images from his head as if that would make it all go away. His damp hair clung to his cold face. His t-shirt stuck to his smooth skin as though it were duct tape. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and got up. He slipped on the sketches that littered his floor.
Luckily he had time to quickly change into his uniform and gulp down some breakfast before leaving for school, on time. The only thing he was grateful for was not sleeping in too late, as he had done for the past few days. K was probably at work already. But she hadn't woken him up before leaving- and that annoyed him. She had taken to saying that he needed sleep because of this phase that he was supposed to be going through. But he knew that the dreams were probably nothing to do with her theory. Even if they were the cause of his bad moods.
He trudged into school ten minutes late. The courtyard was empty and silent as he passed the bushes and completely ignored the gravel path that led to the entrance. He walked through the front doors and slid down the corridor towards his form room. He stopped only for a moment before swinging the door open and walking into the silent room. Everyone turned to face him and he winced as he said 'Sorry I'm late miss,'
'This is the third time this fortnight! I'm afraid I'll be seeing you in detention after school Jared.' Mrs. Blod said in a welsh accent. He sighed and walked over to his chair where he immediately began a conversation with Carl.
'Hey, Jared, what's up mate?'
'Meh, I slept in again'
'Dude, you really need an alarm clock.'
'as if I didn't already know that.'
'Hey, have you seen the new girl Caraa yet? She is like, unbelievably hot dude. Check her out' Carl pointed across the room to a slim girl with very dark ginger hair. She was sitting next to Anne and seemed to be very uncomfortable. She kept shifting in her chair and laughing nervously. She glanced in Jared's direction and her dark grey eyes lingered there for a brief second before returning to Meg, who had just asked her a question. 'I think she was looking at me!' Carl sounded exited. 'I hope I sit next to her in a class. So what do you think? Isn't she fit?'
'I think she's a bit- I dunno, she just doesn't look very different from some of the other plastics in our school. Besides' he said at Carl's look of shock and awe 'I think the jocks have their eye on her. She's a new toy for them. And I dunno 'bout you but I don't want my face re-arranged for some chick I don't know.' Carl seemed convinced but he sighed and kept looking at her until the bell rang.
'Mr. Collins, a word if you please.' Said Mrs. Blod in a valleys accent. 'I'll meet you in French' Jared called to Carl as he put on his bag and headed to the front desk.
'Would you take miss umm-' she glanced at Caraa
'Tyler, miss, Caraa Tyler.'
'-Tyler to get her timetable and I'll forget about that detention for now. Only I've got a class now see.'
'Yah, sure.' Said Jared, glad to get out of his detention. 'Follow me' he jerked his head and walked out the door, indicating her to follow him. He turned up the corridor and led her down some stairs. Jared was about a head taller than her and, although he was a boy, his hair was only just shorter. She glanced up at him apologetically.
'I'm never gunna remember all this. This place is huge and I have a bad enough memory as it is' Jared wasn't paying attention; he was still thinking about his dream. He had hardly thought of anything else since he had first had it. He was still trying to figure it out. So he only said
'mm.' in response to her attempt to start a conversation. He didn't understand why she tried. He saw no point in small-talk. Besides, what did she want with him? Surely she just couldn't wait to hang out with all the popular people in school. She was probably just humoring him, maybe she just was used to men offering to do everything for her.. Or else she was confused at why he didn't seem interested in her. Arrogant bitch. He thought. But by now he had reached reception. 'There you go; they'll give you a map and a timetable so you don't get lost' he turned and headed to French. Yet another class he was bound to be late for. Great.
'Thanks, I'll see you around uhhh… Jared was it?' she asked.
'Yup that's it.' Unless you're too important to be learning the names of social rejects like me. He added to himself. The only people who actually treated him as an equal were Carl, Andy and Liz. His best friends. All the other boys in his year were either in the big gang of Chavs-the arrogant, violent 'hard' guys who strutted around like the were in charge or Jocks-the sporty attractive men who were only interested in women for one reason.
Liz seemed to be the only girl that didn't fall for their charm and looks. None of them were particularly smart but they were confident that they were like gods in the eyes of women. She also thought that the chavs had a superiority complex and pitied them for their arrogance. Of coarse, she was the only girl who felt this way and that was why she wasn't in any of the female groups. The plastics-girls who covered themselves in makeup and flirted constantly with every man they set eyes on, under the insane impression that everyone would do anything for them because of their looks- and the Tottie- rich stuck up girls who looked down on everyone and had older boyfriends and designer handbags.
The only group that he got on with was the Goths, who at least had some brain and had boys and girls in. They liked similar music to each other and wore dark clothes with studs and piercings. They at least were friendly if not weird.
Liz was more interested in fun than men and smarter than most adults. That's why Jared liked her. If their group were to have a category he supposed it would be nerds because of the severe stupidity of the other groups. Geese, 16 year olds were weird.
Jared arrived in French only just on time. He slipped into his chair by Carl and smiled. 'Just made it' it was the first time he had smiled all day. French was his favorite lesson. He was next to all his friends so he didn't have to put up with anyone plus he was rather good at it.
The rest of the day passed quickly. Jared barely noticed as he was dragged around the school to each lesson by Andy and Liz. He was pre-occupied, he had a weird feeling and it kept bothering and distracting him. But, soon enough, the bell went for them to leave.
''You coming?' Liz was shaking his arm rather violently.
'Huh?'
'We're going to the park now, are you coming with?'
'Oh, uhm… Nah. I got stuff t'do, sorry, maybe another day?'
'Suit yourself.' Liz wasn't the type to waste her time. She knew that Jared was out of it at the moment. She just couldn't understand why.
'What's up with him?' Carl looked concerned.
'I really du'no, he's usually up for anything' their eyes followed Jared down the road.
Once out of sight, Jared broke into a run, and soon, he was in his garden. He wrenched open the door. Dropped his bag by the stairs and climbed to his room. Where he collapsed into the bed -though he wasn't remotely tired- and had, if anything, too much energy.
Thoughts kept whirling round his mind, spiraling back to the beginning of his line of thought and branching off into god knows what. Because, unusually, Jared had no idea what he was thinking about.