Title: From their first kiss
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com
Rating: T
Category: Neil.Andrea…all Neil.Andrea
Series: Stand alone; see notes below for where it fits into The Bill.
Spoilers: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers as long as you're past episode 230.
Archive (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: What might have happened if Neil couldn't stay away from Andrea after they shared their first kiss?
Authors' notes: Set between 'their first kiss' episode 233 and 'it was just a kiss' (yeah who were they kidding) episode 234. My imagination went kinda wild with what could happen between those two points so this story was born.
Disclaimers: From the moment I started this story I had no association with The Bill and I still don't now it's done.
Andrea's staring at the TV, she doesn't register the game of the black and white team on the screen, she's still in shock. She's thinking about the bomb and what would have happened if she'd died. While that may be what she's doing, she can't process anything.
"You still working shifts finished." The voice of Neil Manson snaps her from her reverie. He'd seen her through the panel of glass in the door, opening it immediately and asking from the doorway. Andrea looks up to him, a little surprised, she hadn't realised the state she was in, nor did she want him to find her like this.
"Sir," Andrea says fiddling with some things on the table next to her, Neil comes into the room and she looks up to him, she had expected him to walk on, back to whatever he was doing.
She keeps her eyes on him, and then watches him turn off the TV. He stands behind it and explains, "Evan Banks confessed, the tape you've found will help the prosecution."
"Good." Andrea says nodding still looking at him.
He watches her for a second and then with a drop of his eyes he asks her, "You alright?" He knows he never asks that of anyone that works for him, it's not that he doesn't care it's just it usually distracts from work and results. He's never been good at caring and sympathy either so he avoids it.
But there's something about Andrea, an attraction he's been unable to deny though he's tried to keep his distance and remain professional. He can't, she looks almost lost, vulnerable and he feels not responsible but wants to do something about it.
"Yes, Sir," She says softly, it's not convincing and Neil recognises it.
"Well you look like you need to go home." Neil heads to the door knowing he has to keep his distance, professionally and for his marriage. "I'll ask Marilyn to call someone, pick you up."
"Like who?" Andrea answers looking at him briefly and back down again, reflecting on the fact she's alone. The sole reason she came back to work was so she'd stop thinking about the bomb, one night was enough. She doesn't want to go home, to be alone again tonight, she'd like company. The fact she's attracted to Neil would only be a bonus though his company is highly improbable. Still she's noticed his long looks and attraction to her, she knows he's being careful and she needs to be as well.
She's not going to make the first move, too much chance of humiliation and reprimand if he decides he's going to take the high ground and won't act on his attraction.
"We'll I'm headed in your direction, I'll drop you off." Neil maintains a normal tone, simply one colleague offering another a favour. It occurs to Neil he's offered so easily and without hesitation, he gives nothing away on his face though.
"Thank you, Sir." Andrea says, and Neil walks away after he presses his lips together.
Andrea breathes a measured and controlled breath in when he's gone.
It's a sunny and for the first time Andrea feels warm, she's hasn't felt warm since before the bomb, dark and frightening thoughts provided little comfort to her. She'd met Neil at his car in the lot and neither had spoken on the trip, Andrea was lost in her thoughts again and Neil had his professional face on.
He pulls the car up and when it's stopped Andrea releases her belt, she looks across to where he sits about to thank him for the lift but there's something he's about to say. She also realises he's turned the car off, it won't be a quick farewell.
"If it's any help I know what you're going through." They both stare ahead of them but despite the compassionate and gentle tone, Andrea is not convinced. He's not on the streets; he's barely out of his office most days.
"Do you?" She asks, giving him a hint of the fact she's unconvinced, it's been so long since he's been in uniform and he has probably never experienced anything like she's just been through.
He looks to her, forming his words before looking back again. "The explosion gave us all a scare." He looks back to her again. "Just because you're in uniform doesn't mean you're protected." As Andrea stares out of the front windscreen she back down a little on her harsh stance of him.
"I just can't stop going over what might have happened if I'd been killed." She hasn't been this honest with anyone; in fact she hasn't spoken to anyone before now. She makes a sound past her lips with a sharp breath. "Is that selfish?" She looks to Neil quickly and then away again, she's embarrassed, and she wants him to say no badly. She wants him to reassure her, somehow now it means more coming from him.
Neil leaves a momentary pause. "It kind of makes you realise what really matters. That's a good thing surely." Andrea looks to him and Neil looks back out the front of the car. He'd thought about that after the explosion even though he wasn't directly involved.
Sitting at his desk late one night he'd thought about the fact life was short, he thought about the fact he isn't happy…at home. It never occurred to him till he met Andrea, Andrea who's bright, funny, astute, impressive…Andrea who he was attracted to. He never thought about life with Philippa until he looked at Andrea as more than a colleague, he never entertained the idea life with someone could be any better than what he had. He thought about what matters, wondering if what matters most is his own happiness.
"I thought coppers weren't supposed to think like that." Andrea says looking to the side of his head, his last comments makes her wonder exactly how he reacted to the bomb and if he'll open up a little about it now they're out of the office. "We're just supposed to get on with it."
Neil makes the most sudden movement of both of them so far, shifting in his chair to face her; it's the longest he's looked at her for. "Why are you beating yourself up about this? You're being honest; it's good I like it." Andrea shifts her head slightly towards him, with a small smile. Right there is something else that attracts Neil to her…honesty.
He pauses, when he speaks again he sounds distant. "This job can be lonely." He stares off. There's no affection between Philippa and himself, he doesn't talk to Philippa about work, he doesn't share his day, she's not interested, leaving him no outlet and he's become accustomed to dealing with things himself, internalising and living with the things he can't resolve.
It's much of the reason why he's talking to her now, as well as…
There's the conflict with Jack Meadows, the distance he has between himself and CID, necessary, it's what it takes to do his job, but it's lonely.
Most days and nights he feels isolated and alone.
"I didn't feel lonely yesterday when you came and visited me in the hospital." Neil instantly flicks his look to Andrea, he's instantly glad he visited her now, he was unsure to begin with and felt he didn't say exactly what he wanted to on the visit, he chickened out. He definitely wasn't expecting her to say what she just has.
Andrea feels comfortable with him now, comfortable enough to be honest and to add more subtle hints, she doesn't care, she's attracted to him and she wants to encourage him. In the last few minutes she's grown to like him more and her attraction's not going away. She'd prefer not to back away unless Neil wants her too.
She's fragile but he's shown no signs of taking advantage of that, she'd like him to…slowly. "I like being with you now." She looks to his legs, up to his eyes and back down to his chest again. She's nervous about his reaction, there'd been subtle hints between them before but now she's gone and gently put it out there.
Her voice is honest and Neil looks intensely at her; it's been so long since anyone's confessed they like being with him.
He wants so much to kiss her right now, he's immensely attracted to her, he knows he could be reading things wrong that she might reject him outright, he knows once he does he's given into his attraction, that there's no going back or undoing his actions. He'll be a married man who's kissed another woman and if the kiss is good…he doesn't know where it will lead and if he'll be able to keep a distance as he has been.
Neil leans in suddenly and on impulse, it's what Andrea's eyes have been waiting for him to do, he closes his eyes when he sees her moving towards him. For the briefest of seconds he anticipates her lips on his and then they are.
He keeps it brief, pulling back keeping his eyes down. If she seems uncomfortable the kiss was almost innocent enough to brush off as a comfort kiss, as a thank you for her words about being with him. More importantly it's done now; he's betrayed Philippa but feels nothing, only that he wants to kiss her again. He just needs to know if she wants more as well, he's not as far away from her as he was before; his focus is on her lips that just delicately connected with his.
Neil leans towards her, eyes still on her lips which meet his, it's a softly passionate kiss to start with, he reaches a hand to rest barely against the side of her neck as it heats up. It's been so long since he's kissed Philippa like this, he knows from memory she's different, but he's not thinking about Philippa at all right now. Just the fact he's falling deeper and deeper into the kiss.
He has no desire to end it, he's not conscious of anything else anyway, all he knows is her lips, mouth and the soft dark hair that has caught itself in his hand that rests gently against the side of her neck.
Someone honks their car horn and it serves to bring them both back. Andrea slows and Neil gets the feeling her break from the kiss is reluctant. Her eyes open straight on his lips, she's breathing just slightly heavier than usual. Neil was hoping she would, but thought maybe she wouldn't be able to meet his eyes…she does slowly. Her look is still as intense and Neil's about to give into desire and kiss her again when she speaks.
"I should go." She looks down and then back to him only for a second. "Thank you for the lift."
Neil says nothing watching her open the car door and turn to get out. Andrea pauses and he watches her back intently, waiting for what comes next, it's nothing or something she felt she couldn't say or do. Like Andrea, Neil needs time to think about what has just happened, what comes next and what he wants and how far he's willing to go. He watches Andrea till she's inside her block of flats; she walks normally, stopping to greet someone coming out of the building as she goes in. Pleased Neil realises it's not a situation she felt she needed to escape hurriedly from.
He almost smiles as he pulls away from the curb and heads…home.
Andrea Dunbar yawns as she turns off the last light in her living room and heads to the kitchen; instinctively she pulls her dressing gown closer with the sudden feeling of being cold.
She's a lot better tonight than she was last night though she did make sure she kept herself busy doing things in an attempt to keep her mind active. It's a far cry from last night when she sat alone in the semi darkness unable to do anything but think of the bomb. Tonight there is something else she's thinking about but it isn't necessary to avoid it, it's not dangerous to her mental health, just her love life.
She opens the fridge and reaches for the already opened bottle of white wine, the soft and hesitant knock at the door stops her. Immediately she looks to the clock, it's well past nine, she was about to read a little before having an early night.
Standing at the open fridge she waits hoping whoever it is will go away, when the knock comes again she pushes the fridge door closed and tightens her dressing gown. Standing on her toes she attempts to see who it is on the other side of the door, when she has she instantly drops to her flat feet in surprise. With one hand on the door handle she bites her bottom lip wondering what his being here means. Before opening the door she checks her dressing gown again.
Neil looks up from his feet when the door opens. He opens his mouth to say hello but seeing her in her dressing gown he realises he's made a mistake and shouldn't have come.
"Hello." Andrea says taking in his attire, now crinkled from the day and minus a jacket and tie.
"Hello." Neil says looking serious, he manages eye contact for a few seconds, and he's more uncomfortable than he expected to be.
"How'd you get up?" Andrea asks casually, still with the door open only enough for her to fit through.
"Someone was coming out when I…" He trails off realising she might be angry.
"Sorry, I should…" He doesn't get to finish.
"Would you like to come in?" Andrea asks opening the door all the way back.
Still shy and unsure Neil nods and steps inside past Andrea, waiting until she's made the flat secure again and shows him the way.
"I was about to have a glass of wine to unwind, would you like one?" Andrea offers, she knows it will help her sleep tonight as much as she shouldn't use alcohol for that reason.
"No, thank you." Neil says watching Andrea pour herself a glass, the last thing he needs tonight is not to have a clear head. "Sit down, make yourself at home."
Andrea gestures to the sofa once she's bathed the living room in light again.
Andrea takes a seat on the sofa next to him and Neil looks down to his lap, now inside on her sofa he's forgotten what he's doing here, what drove him to come to her door and want to be asked inside.
Andrea takes a mouthful of her wine to quell her nerves, she needs the feeling of warmth that quickly invades her body and the lightness in her head that a glass of white wine gives her, any other alcohol has the same affect on her as water. All she really wants to know is why he's here and from the way he came to be on her sofa – a lack of confidence she's never seen in him before, she can only imagine it's about the kiss they shared this evening.
"I didn't expect you…" Andrea blurts out not knowing why, she's not the one who needs to speak, and she's not the one who was at her door. "I'm sorry that was rude, I didn't mean it like that."
She puts her wine glass behind the arm of the sofa, blaming it.
"I came back because I sensed you were having a hard time at night and you might need to talk…" Neil begins. "That you were feeling isolated, you didn't have anyone to talk to…" In a split second he decides to go for it. "And you needed someone."
"Now is one of those times when I wish I wasn't unattached." Andrea laughs once at the label she's given herself, "When I can't do it on my own as much as I might like."
"You shouldn't have too." Neil says softly. "I want to help if I can, be there for you."
"Thank you for what you said this evening about being in uniform, it helped a lot." Andrea tells him unable to meet his eyes.
"This is the time when we all need to support one another." Neil says and Andrea gives him a brief smile.
"You're right but sometimes I feel like no one understands me let alone understands what I'm going through." Andrea picks up her wine again and takes another mouthful.
"I do." Neil looks to her briefly. "I feel the same way." Andrea looks up to Neil who meets her eyes, when the intensity increases she reluctantly pulls away. She has to wonder if his 'I feel the same way' means that no one understands him, no one understands what he goes through or something more subtle like he feels the same way about her as she does him.
"I'm glad you decided to come back." Andrea says slowly. "I like talking to you." She flashes him a brief smile like she did earlier in the evening.
"I like talking to you too." Shyly Neil barely offers a smile, immediately looking away.
"I can't help thinking I'm not finished yet. I want to see the world, I want a successful career, and I want to fall in love. I want to live, be happy, feel alive." Andrea lists.
"You deserve that." Neil looks briefly at her. "We all do."
"People who've been through something like this…" Andrea starts. "They talk about changing their lives, saying yes to everything, living their life the way they hadn't before and wished they had, going after everything they want no matter what." With the last comment she holds Neil's eyes with her own. "But…" She looks down. "I'm not an open book; there are things about my life I keep to myself, things I keep inside. My life is complex for someone with so little in it, I've made it that way and I keep it that way because…" Andrea can't go any further into journalism and why she believes in what she's doing. "I was thinking about what would happen to those things I keep to myself if I died."
"I wonder what I'll become, if I'll be happy, what my life will become if I continue with it the way I am." Neil confesses suddenly.
"I thought about what people would think of me if they found out the things I keep to myself." Andrea says softly and then she shakes her head at herself. "I was being selfish again."
"It's honest." Neil says softly. "You say you keep things to yourself but you're honest about that fact and that's one of the things I like about you." Slowly they meet one another's eyes.
"I'm living a lie Neil."
"Aren't we all," He looks down to his hands but only briefly before looking across at Andrea again. "The truth of tonight is…I couldn't stay away from you."
Andrea draws a short breath, the implication of his words the reason why. She knows the list of reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, least of all is the fact they haven't talked about this evenings kiss. She watches, as does Neil, as his fingers inch closer to hers on the back of the sofa, growing in confidence till his hand covers hers.
When she looks back to Neil he's closer, watching her intently as he had not long before. She loses herself in his chocolate brown eyes, framed by dark lashes that give him an air of sincerity but also make him seem enigmatic. She meets him halfway this time, the touch of his lips on hers she instantly remembers, his generosity and the giving manner he seems to embody come out as she begins to feel warm and alive again.
He's much more assured this time, telling Andrea he's decided what he wants and how far he's going to go, that comes through in his kiss and his touch. She finds they have no need to communicate; they both seem to know and want the same thing, and the dark events of the recent past drain away in his arms and under his caress.
She didn't expect him to shift closer, gently encouraging her into his chest. She wasn't expecting his lips on the top of her head, his arms around her or the duvet pulled up over them. She wasn't expecting it to have been as good as it was…it's going to be hard to stop now.
As Andrea lies listening to his heartbeat gradually slow it's what she expects.
She wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there's guilt on his face, on the other hand he didn't get up and just leave. It's been a while he's been holding her, longer than a while – she doesn't dare look at the clock, she doesn't want to either, doesn't want it to end. She feels safe, calm and warm; thoughts of bombs and leaving everything in her life behind are gone.
"We probably shouldn't have done this." Andrea says, tracing her fingers along his collar bone, she'd been focusing on the tender trace of his fingers on her back for a while now. It had a light lulling sensation but she didn't want to fall asleep and have him slip away.
"It's not why I came here." Neil says and Andrea immediately half sits up, supported by her forearm on the bed next to him.
"I know that." She says and Neil sits himself up further, supported by each of her pillows behind him. "I'm glad what just happened, happened." He lovingly pushes back Andrea's hair with his whole hand although it's not in her face. "I don't regret it at all." He stills his movements only to slide his hand to her cheek. "I'm not sure there's anything we could have done to stop it happening."
"I think I probably needed someone right now." Andrea looks down and away from him, "Like you said."
"You don't need to apologise." He picks up easily on her underlying tone. "I needed you too."
Andrea nods and for the first time she realises this is going to be as far as things will go between them. Tonight is his line in the sand, as far as he is willing to go. Some of her is instantly annoyed with the realisation; she selfishly thought he was here for her entirely, now it seems not. She then revises, knowing she's been too harsh, had an unreasonable expectation and it's also untrue, he was here for her tonight too.
Andrea puts her head back down on his chest, determined to enjoy whatever is left of their time together.
"I have to go soon." She picks up in his voice the fact he wishes he didn't have to and with that she feels better. She suspects now he feels guilty and will need to pull away. To have distance, to think…She needs it too.
"I understand." Andrea says softly against his chest.
The face wash that trickles from her forehead down to her right eye stings and makes it water, usually she's more careful but this morning all she's thinking about is the other day with Neil.
She hadn't heard from him since and didn't expect to. She's also made up her mind.
She can cast aside all the other reasons, he's her boss, and he's married, the rumours, the scandal, and the career implications. There's really only one reason that would impact on them both more than all the rest…her job at the Daily News.
What are the chances it would remain a fling after how they both felt the other night. She'd find herself in deeper with him, possibly in love and her secret becoming harder to keep…there could come a point when she didn't want to keep it from him anymore.
It wouldn't be fair on either of them.
She accepts that to do her journalism job, the one she so loves, she has to remain secretive, detached and distant and consequently a lot of things must be kept locked up inside of her. Including her feelings for Neil Manson.
Arson under suspicious circumstances is just what Andrea needs to keep her occupied, even when Ken and Rob enter the lot, about to take up the case for CID.
Their light heartedness and jovial nature make the job just a little more enjoyable and when they're listening to her every word she takes a little self esteem boost, that they're hanging from her every word, that she's important to the investigation not just doing the scut work, it's all something that's not there.
She misses Neil coming out of his office and joining the conversation, when he offers a comment she looks casually at him and back to Ken and Rob whom she continues to update.
She chooses to exit CID past Neil though she glances to her right and there's a perfectly clear and faster path. Part of her wants to prompt him into anything he might want to say, the other wants to make sure she can be adult and be around him, not to have to avoid him.
Andrea looks to Neil as she approaches, the dull gold shirt and tie with flicks of brown is where she looks, she feels him join her walk, and beside her he looks back to Ken and Rob to see if their attention has been taken by his first few words.
"I thought we should talk about what happened the other day." Andrea keeps walking, placing them out of earshot of most of the rest of CID. She also doesn't need to turn to cling to his every word, make it obvious something's going on or give him the impression that after one half of a night she's formed a strong attachment. "I don't want to give you the wrong idea."
It's what she had been expecting and is fine with.
"It was just a kiss that went a little too far, we both needed some comfort, two friends helping one another out is all it was." Despite all the time she'd spent telling herself and so had he, both look anywhere but at each other.
"Right," Neil agrees, glad he didn't have to categorize it himself.
"And if it'll be any other way." Those words have Neil's eyes on Andrea. "You're a married man and my life's complicated enough." Andrea looks to Neil but he's busy ensuring their conversation is private.
"Good well we've got that straightened out." They look indirectly at one another, like spies conducting business.
"Yeah, Sir," Andrea says and walks off trying to smile. The fact remains she's still deeply attracted to him but it has to be this way and she can cope with that.
Neil watches her go wearing a serious frown that's more for the benefit of CID than anything else, he wonders as he heads to his office if he's done the right thing though that shouldn't be a grey area. He can't deny he's still deeply attracted to her and his decision was made for career and family reasons.
He wonders if he's caught her in a lie, determined by the fact she volunteered a little too quickly their night together was just something that came along too far from their first kiss.
The End