The Mocking of the Fellowship
I do not own the Lord of The Rings either plot or characters. This is a follow on of my idea from Council of Elderond. Have no idea where this is leading am just making it up as I go
"So Aragorn son of Arathorn. How long has it been since your last confession?"
"It's been a week father." The bedraggled Ranger said, hands clasped together in the traditional symbol of prayer.
"So son. Do you have anything to confess?"
"Yes I'm afraid I do father. I… I killed 20,000 orcs yesterday. And I think I killed Boromir but I don't really know I think I was asleep."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah. I sort of hit one of my friends very hard in the back of the head. He thinks he's a twelve years old supermodel but I'm not sure whether his head injury had anything to do with it."
"Anything else?"
"Well I let two of my friends become kidnapped and I am now currently stalling for time so I can go to sleep and catch up to them."
"I see anything else." The priest listened as a loud snore erupted from the confessional booth. He stepped out to see the Ranger marching one foot in front of the other and when he passed the Rangers mouth opened but not with a snore, words erupted, "Forwards into battle we shall all go or we shall all feel deep pain." The priest looked at the other people waiting for confession who shrugged.
"So Aragorn are we going to go Isengard and save Merry and Pippin. Or are we going to go to Gondor get the one ring off of Boromir and take it to Mount Doom." Gimli asked the still unconscious Aragorn who replied, "We must save our friends from torment and death."
"So is that the Merry and Pippin route?"
"We can not allow the ring to fall into the hands of the enemy!" He yelled with his eyes still firmly shut as Legolas walked up and said, "Why don't we just do this?" Legolas grabbed Aragorn's shoulders and spun him in a circle. When Aragorn stopped he wandered in the general direction that led to Isenguard. "This way Gentlemen. The hunt is on." Aragorn drew his sword and rushed forwards, or at least as forwards as a man who had just been spun in a deep state of sleep could which meant his version of straight was more what normal people would call zig-zagged.
"So we're going to condemn everyone to death because of one sleeping swordsman?" Gimli asked as Legolas shrugged, "Who cares? I'll be going into the west soon anyway.
"Well I do."
"Then why don't you go to Gondor and get the ring back yourself?"
"I would. But well I kind of value my life so let's go after Aragorn."
"Come on fine gent's this race shall be counted in the tales of the three kindred's." Aragorn yelled from just out of sight.
"Sure… that's what people will remember." Gimli muttered following Aragorn in a stumpy run whilst Legolas skipped, swishing his hair and even though there weren't any women for miles. The female members of every animal species they encountered died of spontaneous heart explosion. Aragorn had woken up and therefore needed a toilet break. Legolas decided to take a nap underneath a tree that seemed to grow just by his presence. Gimli came up with a way of saving the lives of the poor animals that Legolas had killed by placing a cardboard bag with eye holes over his head. When Aragorn returned he looked down at Gimli's work and asked, "Why the bag?"
"To save the animals we've been passing?"
"Why what's been happening?"
"They died."
"Well…" Aragorn turned his eyes to Gimli, "Why not beat him to make him less pretty?"
"Now Aragorn I do have some standards." He swung his axe swiftly and a deer that had been nibbling at Aragorn's ear dead, "Why did you do that?"
"Well we need food."
"True. Wait I've got an idea." Aragorn reached into his pocket and pulled out a permanent marker. He lifted up the bag and drew a twirly moustache on Legolas.
"Do you think we're being a bit childish?" Aragorn asked as Gimli shrugged, "Do people ever grow up?"
"Touché."
"What the hell does that mean?" Gimli asked as Aragorn shrugged, "I don't know it was taught down from the times of Numenor."
"It sounds inappropriate."
"Yes. Now shall we wake him up and carry on?"
"Do we have to wake him up? I mean he's several thousand years old. I think he needs the sleep."
"Yeah and I mean being several thousand years old and wearing all those clothes in this sunlight has got to be bad for him." Aragorn muttered and nudged Gimli.
"Yes Yes. We'd better help him"
*One Hour Later
Legolas awoke to find himself tied up to a tree wearing only his underwear which was pink and frilly. He was thankful that he could just slip out of all forms of entrapment not only due to the fact that he was an elf but by the many kidnappings and hostage situations he had been in over the past two months which required a certain spring in his step to avoid. The OverLording Mirror had declared him the most kidnapped person in history shortly thereafter and that was the only opinion Legolas ever read. Due to his motto, "If you can't see yourself inside it then it's no good." He eased his way out of the handcuffs and looked down into the lake below. He let go as he saw his own reflection, he'd been tortured, mutilated. Someone had drawn a twirly moustache in black pen on his upper lip. He rubbed furiously as he looked at the opposite shore a hoarde of Uruk-hai stood there several with bows in their hands but they didn't fire. Instead they did the worst thing imaginable, they started taking photos; pointing and laughing.
He walked back onto the shore, grabbing a cardboard bag that was by the tree and putting it over his face.
"I'm going to back to Mirkwood. They appreciate true beauty there." He flicked his hair as much he could while wearing a paper bag and walked back singing a little song that had gotten into his head somehow "My hair swish brings all the girls to the yard and I'm like its better then yours…"