Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Studio Gainax. Should
they, or anyone affiliated with them, request it, this story will be
removed from the web. Thank you.
Still Darkness
Part 1
Memories of My Angel/Dreams of the Dark
By Angel Mikaal
"That's the new girl," I hear a boy mumble from across the school's hall, making me pause as I reach into my new locker to put my city shoes in.
"I'd say she's a six out of ten, eh Takashi," whispers his companion, covering his mouth in a lame attempt to be discrete.
Unfortunately, his stare is still on me.
Assholes, I think to myself as I walk towards my new classroom. I just get here and they're already undressing me with their eyes. Could it get any worse?
WHACK!! With that I land on the floor.
Great. It just did...ow, that hurt.
"I'm sorry...are you okay, miss?" a boy asks, offering me his hand. I look at it for a few moments with a blush evident on my cheeks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply, taking the proffered hand and saying in kind, "thanks for the hand."
"Ummm, you're welcome," he says. I finally get a good look at him. He's not a tall person, maybe around 5'6, with brown hair, and... are those blue eyes? Must have a foreign member somewhere in the family line.
Is he talking to me? I think while giving him the once-over. I see his lips moving, but what is he saying?
"Huh?"
"I was wondering wh-why you were staring at m-me?" he stutters, quickly extracting his hand from mine. "Is there something on me?"
"Huh? Oh, no! I'm sorry. How rude of me. My name is Velton Lana, nice to meet you." As I say this, I bow at the waist, inclining my head towards the boy. I think I'm doing this right.
"Yo-you don't have to bow to me," he says quickly. "My name is Ikari Shinji. Nice to meet you. What class are you in?"
"Two-A," I quip to him. "And I'm going to be late. Please excuse me." I rush out after taking a glance at my watch. I feel like I'm missing something, I think as I dash down the hall to my classroom.
I fling the door open, much to the surprise of the class and the sensei. Oh, good first impression. Scare the class and teacher to death the first day. Although the teacher looks like he won't live past tomorrow. After the last thought, I snicker out loud, which earns me a stern look from the sensei.
"Well," my new sensei says. "Look who finally decided to join us. Class, this is Velton Lana. She's new... but unfortunately you will not be getting a chance to get to know her, as she will be spending the first half of the day in the hall, holding these buckets. Now go."
Sensei gives me a frowning look as I take the buckets and head out the door. To worsen the fact, the whole class is laughing at me. Yeah, super first impression, Lana.
That's when I hear sensei yell, "And Ikari-san will join Velton-san in the hall."
A resigned sigh accompanies the sliding of the classroom door.
I turn to look at Ikari as he stands beside me. "Sorry about this Ikari-san, I didn't mean to get you into any trouble."
He shrugs as best as he can, saying nothing.
"You don't like to talk much, do you Ikari-san?" I say as I look at the classroom door across the hall from me. All I get is a low grumble in response from his abdominal region. "Or, you could be hungry," I hurriedly pipe, giggling out loud.
"I am a little hungry," he admits quietly.
Soon, an unsettling silence comes between us. Of course, the unsettling bit might have been the buckets of ice water weighing my arms down like a ton of lead. Surprisingly, I don't have to break the ice – no pun intended – on this one... Ikari does it.
"Umm, Velton-san. Can I ask you a question?"
"Why? You just did," I quip in a sarcastic tone, adding a little smile at the corner of my mouth.
"Huh? Oh, sorry to bother you then."
"Go ahead and ask your question Ikari-san," I sigh. "I didn't mean anything by what I said. I'm sorry." I'm going to have to be careful with this one, I think to myself. Talk about low self-esteem.
"It's about your hat," he says cautiously. "Why are you wearing a... ummm...what is it called... what kind of hat is that?"
His unexpected question takes me so off guard that I almost drop a pail of water.
"It's a beret," I reply slowly, "and it's very special. Someone gave it to me when I was little." I glance at him from the corner of my eye. "Why do you ask?"
I blush as I realize that this last question has come out more like a demand. Talking about my father's beret always brings tears to my eyes, so I turn my head so Ikari doesn't see them.
"I mean...ummm...it looks nice," he fumbles quickly, keeping my attention on the conversation and (thankfully) off the feelings of sadness welling up inside me. "But, my real question is, why are you wearing it inside the school?"
I then realize that he is perfectly justified in asking this question. I had been wearing my beret the whole time. Not only does the blonde braid that hangs down to my lower back make me stand out, but I forgot to take off my beret. I hope none of the teachers take it, I think to myself, trying not to panic as I look up and down the halls for any signs of an adult.
"Sensei won't take it, if that's what you're worried about," Ikari says, easing my fears considerably. "You're not from around here, are you?" he asks in a slightly timid voice, as if he's afraid I'll pounce him for asking.
"No, I'm not," I answer in a calm manner. I see him visibly relax, but he's still tense. I sigh. "Me and my mother just moved here about a week ago."
"What about your father?" he asks, even though it looks as if he didn't mean to say that.
"Well, my father is...deceased," I say, managing to keep my voice even. "My mother got a job over here in NERV." The drunk bitch, I think disgustedly as I take a breath to continue. "So we have to move to a city plagued by death and destruction just so my crappy mother can work here for better money. I'd rather be living back at my home." Ah, I sigh in my head. Finally, got that off my chest... not that he wanted to know all that, but....
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" I ask, confused. "It's not your fault."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he says again.
"This could get redundant," I sigh up to the ceiling.
"Sor-" he starts to say it again, but I cut him off.
"Please stop. You might have the whole world on your shoulders, but you can't be sorry for everything." I soften my voice. "I know who you are, Ikari-san... I mean, who doesn't? I just didn't think you would be like this."
I see that he is about to apologize again, and I interject before he gets the chance. "It's okay to be sorry about... about things like my father, but sometimes it's better to just keep the apology to yourself instead of saying it out loud, okay?"
"Sor...I mean, sure."
"Good. Can I ask you a question, Ikari Shinji-san?"
He looks at me, a faint smile playing on his lips. "But, Velton-san..."
"Yes?" I ask, purposely taking the bait.
"You just asked me one," he quips, looking at me with a small, victorious grin
I laugh out loud, pleased to hear him echo it with one of his own. "Ikari-san," I say, doing my best to sound formal, though the grin on my face makes it tough, "can I ask you two questions?"
"Sure," he says, trying to restrain his laughter at the horrible joke we've made.
"Can I be your friend?" I inquire seriously, letting my smile fall away.
He opens his mouth to answer, his own smile vanishing as well, but before he can speak, one of the most annoying events in school occurs.
The bell rings.
My day goes from bad to worse at this point, because the sound of the bell catches me by surprise, making me drop the buckets of water, throwing my whole sense of balance off and sending me toppling straight into (you guessed it) Shinji's chest, sending us both to the floor in a tangled, soggy heap just as all the classroom doors slide open, giving every student on the first floor a good, hearty laugh
In perfect synchronization, we both groan, "How embarrassing."
Great impression for a potential friend, Lana, I think disgustedly, Probably hates you now...baka.
With our compromising position, and the gallons of water soaking us to the skin, it is very easy to see how Ikari and I are blushing radiantly. I can feel the heat off of his and my cheeks.
We're walking infernos.
Yeah... great first impression.
After a few seconds, I get myself up and extend my hand to him, reversing the events of earlier that morning. I stand there for over a minute, waiting for him to take my hand... and just when I am convinced that he thinks I'm an idiot, and would rather stay on the floor than accept my help, he finally takes my hand. Thus, I let out a sigh of relief while Ikari gives a quick word of gratitude.
"Ikari-san?" I ask in an inquisitive voice. "Can I eat with you today? I don't know anyone else, yet. If you don't want me to, that's fine."
I hope that with the combination of the tone in my voice and the pleading expression on my face he won't be able to say no. "Umm...sure, you can eat with me and my friends... if it's ok with them."
After gathering our bentos, Ikari going into the classroom to retrieve his and while I grab mine from my locker, we go out to the roof to find his friends. "Hi guys," Ikari says when we get up there. "I brought someone else to eat with us today. Is... that ok?"
"Um, Shinji, in case you hadn't noticed, your new friend is a girl," says the one in the tracksuit.
Pfft, how rude, I think to myself, deciding instantly that I do not like him.
"Oh be quiet Touji," the other boy says, "She's human too you know." He raises his hand in a small wave. "Have a seat. Any friend of Shinji's is a friend of mine."
"Thank you," I say to the one that defended me. I then proceed to bow to them, "My name is Velton Lana, but you can call me Lana. Thanks for letting me eat with you."
The whole group seems to be so embarrassed by the fact that I'm bowing to them that I quickly stand upright, then sit down in (what seems, anyway) less than a second.
"My name is Kensuke," says the one who reprimanded Touji, holding his hand out to me. I quickly shake it. "And that's Touji," he says, pointing to the suit-clad boy. "Sorry for his outburst, he tends to do things before thinking."
As Kensuke says this, I hear Touji mutter "bakayaro" under his breath in Kensuke's direction.
"That's quite alright," I respond. "He should be glad he has a friend like you, Kensuke-san."
"Why do you say that?" he inquires.
"That big mouth of his will get him in trouble one day," I retort. At this, Touji gets up and moves like he's going to tackle me, but Ikari and Kensuke both push him back down, their expressions hinting that this is not the first time they've had to restrain him.
We then proceed to eat lunch, throwing the occasional barb and oral jab here and there, and generally having a good time. It seems as though they put up their defenses... but I guess that's understandable, seeing as how they don't know me yet.
Then the bell rings once again, and lunch is over. The rest of the day seems to fly by, ending with bows and exchanged wishes of a good evening. I didn't realize class could finish so fast, but I'm glad. This gives me more time to think about the person I want to call my friend.
Saying goodbye to the trio, I begin my journey home.
**
My dreams consume me. I toss and turn, groaning in my bed – knowing I am dreaming, but unable to return to consciousness. Always the same dream, always the same sweat.
I walk down the metal halls in Germany. Maple leaf logos loom at me from every angle as if they want to swallow me up. Staring down at me, like I am an insect. But, I can see, and somehow, I manage to walk on.
I come to a door that is closed. The keypad on most of the doors in this place is strangely absent. I can't walk through there, since I remember what my angel told me: "You go through these doors without clearance, you die."
Funny how I only remember the bad stuff. It seems that the keypad got ripped off. I know I shouldn't go through the door, but it calls to me. Something in there calls to me, as if it were in pain. I can hear the cries filter through the door into my head. I have no idea what it is, but it calls to me. I cannot refuse.
Idiot that I am, I open the door. And I scream. I don't scream at the sight in front of me; though it is truly horrible... no, the blinding pain I feel in my body is what overcomes me. They are sealing up the beast within, but causing her undo pain while doing so. I feel her anguish. I feel her soul. And it screams for freedom. There is an underlying feeling that the trapped soul is doing what is right. But knowing this does not mitigate the pain.
The voice that I hear in my dream. Oh, how I miss her so. The body belonging to the voice was more of a mother to me than my current one, although I doubt she knew that I thought that back then. And I still think that. She helped me as I got the treatments. She took care of me when my mother was not there. She helped me when my father died. She was always there when I needed her. Now, I can't find my pseudo-mother figure no matter how hard I try. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. All I have left are these bittersweet dreams of her.
What I miss most, of course, is her holding me while I cried, shaking and sweating as I finally broke free of the dream. Always the same dream. I miss her so.
In the dream, I turn to the familiar voice. There she is in all her glory. As I run to her, she starts fading away, as if she were never there. And then, the pain... the screaming pain. It will all go away when I can touch her, even our fingers brushing. The pain will go away. But, then she's gone...
I awake, screaming and crying. I still feel its pain. I still remember the day I went into the wrong door. I still remember how it felt, and still know how it feels. It's like I am bonded to its soul. And the voice...my angel...Ka-
**
"Eck, I hate that bitch," I spit out angrily as I head quickly out of my new home. "She yells at me for her having a bad day at work." I shake myself, glancing around at the still-unfamiliar streets to get my bearing, then starting off towards a nearby convenience store to buy a drink.
We've already been here a month, and she has snapped at me every day this week. I miss my papa. I quickly brush at the tears forming in my eyes as I finally make it into the store.
When I get inside, I see someone I thought would be impossible to find in this city. I see Ikari.
And I smile.
"Ikari-san."
"Oh, Velton-san," he says in a surprised tone. "I didn't know you were in here. Do you live nearby?"
"Mmhmm," I nod, looking curiously at the armful of groceries he is carrying towards the counter. "Are those just for you, or your family?"
"These are for my guardian and me," he replies, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot – as if he doesn't want to talk in the open. Then he asks an unexpected question. "Would you like to join us for dinner?"
"Now, Ikari-san. I don't want to be a burden, and I barely know you. I don't think it would be appro-"
"It's really okay," he cuts me off meekly. "My guardian wants to meet you anyways."
"Why is that?" I ask.
"She wants to know why the new transfer student wants to be my friend. She also recognized your name, and wanted to talk to you. I don't know why," he shrugs, "but will you eat with us?"
I stare at him, speechless. He didn't stammer at all, but he talked so fast that I could barely understand it. All I can do is nod my head, since I'm not all that interested in going home any time soon, and follow him out of the store. Thus, after a few minutes of quiet, conversation- less walking, we arrive at his apartment building and head up to his floor.
"I'm home," he calls out, slipping his shoes off and gesturing for me to precede him in. I almost walk in with my shoes on before I remember where I am. That would be great, I think, nearly slapping myself from the momentary memory slip, Ikari-san would probably think you were some incredibly rude gaijin for walking in his home with your street shoes...baka.
What I am not expecting to see is Captain Katsuragi standing in the kitchen when Ikari and I enter. She smiles. My jaw falls to the floor. She stands calmly. I barely hold my balance. She playfully winks her left eye. Mine almost fall out. "Go-good evening, Katsuragi-iichi," I manage to get out. "It's nice to see you again."
"Yes it is Lana," she says in a grinning tone. "So... how are your eyes?"
All Ikari can do is look between us, as if we were conjoined twins.
Out of all the questions I expected, that one was at the top of the list...unfortunately. But I know I cannot avoid answering, so I do the only thing I could think of: I give an honest reply, my voice quavering slightly as I whisper, "My eyes are fine. I finally learned all my... my colors, Katsuragi-iichi."
"That's great Lana," she says soothingly, "Now, do me a favor and call me Misato, will you?"
I just nod, finding that poor Ikari, having no idea what's going on, has simply set the groceries on the counter and started dinner. With Misato's question about my eyes though, I hear him pause with his preparations for a second, waiting for my answer before continuing in silence.
"Dinner will be ready soon," he announces after several awkward moments have passed.
It is very strange. I've been here a month, and even though I have hung out with him and his friends, I still don't know much about him.
Especially this. No, there was no way I could have seen THIS coming.
Soon, dinner is ready, and we sit down to eat. A silence fills the room, seemingly rendering all conversation impossible before finally being shattered (of course) by Misato.
"You know, all I heard about this week was the new transfer student that came to class," she says, driving her chopsticks deep into the pile of noodles on her plate. "Shinji-kun talked a lot about you, Lana. You must be a fun friend."
"I try," I reply sheepishly, shooting Shinji a nervous glance, and finding him just looking away, a light blush gracing his cheeks as he takes a small bite of his food.
"I see you're still wearing your beret."
"Of course," I say, unable to keep the note of sadness out of my voice, "It's all I have left of him."
"So Lana," Misato says abruptly, keeping her eyes on her food, "those treatments were pretty amazing, weren't they? Must be nice to finally be like everyone else."
"Misato-san," I say in a wavering voice, "I still thank whoever's up there that it worked, and yes, it's very nice not to be... different anymore."
Finally, Ikari speaks. "What are you two talking about? I'm really confused."
Misato looks at me and says, "Why don't you tell him Lana? If you want to be his friend, he needs to find out sooner or later, right?"
Sometimes, I hate that woman. But she's right, he needs to know eventually. "Well, Ikari-san," I begin reluctantly, "I know Misato-san from five years ago. She was in Germany at the time where some... new types of medical treatments were held."
"What kind of treatments?" Ikari inquires.
I can't look him in the eyes. For some reason, I feel ashamed of what I'm about to tell him – like I am broken, or torn.
"Well," I sigh, "there were cancer treatments, mental instability clinics, and then there was a... there was... a..." I try to keep going, but my throat just locks up.
I don't know why I'm so hurt by this, I think, wishing I could meet Ikari's inquisitive brown eyes, I should be happy about what happened there. Is it because I don't want my friend to think I'm broken or damaged in some way? I-I don't know anymore.
Thankfully, and at the same time regretfully, Misato continues for me. "There were a couple of doctors in Germany that made a drug that could repair the nerve synapses between the eyes and the brain, and reroute the optic nerves," she says softly, smiling as I raise my head, "It could cure blindness."
All Ikari does is tilt his head a little to the side and say, "I don't get it."
I feel a very strong urge to slap myself on the forehead. "It means, Ikari-san, that I was blind five years ago," I finish for her.
"You were blind?"
When a person asks a blunt, yet already clarified question, I can get very frustrated. This time, though, all I can do is sit there, answering with a meek, "Yes."
"It's alright if you don't want to be my friend Ikari-san," I say slowly, picking at my food as he stares at me with open wonder.
"Why would I stop being your friend?" Shinji asks, sounding entirely confused.
"Because I'm a broken person," I nearly spit, "My mother always says that no one wants a broken person – it's burdensome. She says that I should have stayed blind and... and left my... my soul intact."
This is the last straw. I can't hold back the tears anymore. I put my face in my hands, ashamed of my weakness, and try to stem the tide of sadness flowing from my eyes, but it's useless, it just keeps going on and on. I cry almost every day, when I'm alone – but this is ridiculous. Ikari definitely won't want to be my friend now.
After several minutes of bawling, I feel someone wrap their arms around me, surrounding me with warmth and comfort. You never really realize just how much words can hurt until they are reinforced and drilled into your head, over and over and over, until you just KNOW they are true. And sure enough, what my mother tells me always manages to hurt me... no matter how much I try to tell myself that she's wrong.
After a solid ten minutes of crying, I find myself kneeling on the floor in the living room, with Shinji sitting across from me and urging me to take a cup of tea. I look around the apartment, but Misato is nowhere to be found. I hear her voice, though, coming from somewhere down the hall.
Shinji presses the cup of tea into my hand. "It'll be alright Lana- san," he says in a slightly shaky, but kind tone. "Misato will help you."
"Really?" I ask, looking into the depths of my teacup, already knowing the answer to the question.
I still can't believe I broke down like that... that hasn't happened in a long time. I take my beret off and grip it tightly, carefully setting my tea on the floor between us. The action of wringing the beret in my hands comforts me, but I don't wring it TOO hard, for fear of damaging it. Like I told Misato... it's the only one of my father's things I have left. It's very precious to me.
I look up at Shinji after a few minutes. "Ikari-san," I whisper pathetically, "why are you even talking to me? You're... you're too good to waste your time with a broken person like me."
Shinji looks stunned for a second. Then a decidedly angry look passes over his face. "If anyone's broken, it's me," he says firmly, his voice ringing with disgust and self-loathing.
Confusion must have shown on my face pretty clearly, for Shinji looks at me as if I had grown two heads. "You've been nothing but nice to me since I met you Ikari-san," I point out, "You're not broken, it's me. I don't deserve-"
"Don't say it Lana-san," he roughly cuts me off. "You're not a broken soul. You're just fine. Please understand – you're my friend, and I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible, so... so don't say that you're... broken, ok? I... I don't think there's anything wrong with you."
Great, I think to myself, wiping once more at my eyes. He made me cry again. This time though, they are tears of mirth. And I guess Shinji didn't expect me to hug him, as he tenses when my arms wrap around his torso, embracing him. Eventually, though, he does finally return the hug.
Misato comes in seconds after Shinji returned my embrace of friendship. "Well Lana-san," she says, smiling softly as I look up at her, "if you want to, you can stay here tonight."
"Really?" I ask gratefully. "I wouldn't want to intrude though, that being rude and all."
"Not rude at all," she replies truthfully. "I enjoy seeing an old friend making my charge happy." Misato looks at us thoughtfully. "Although, I think I have to make sure you two stay in separate rooms..."
I never thought I could blush so hotly. Oh, but I did, and that's all that matters. Though I can feel the heat from Shinji's cheeks also, so it isn't just me. After Misato's comment, I let go of Shinji – slowly, so he won't think I'm disgusted or anything like that.
"And Lana-san," Misato says gently. "You're always welcome here, ok?" If smiles were sounds, I'm sure that the one that lit up my face could be heard around the world. I couldn't have been happier. I'd missed her so much... and now I can see her anytime I want.
Well, I think to myself, this is an odd situation I got myself in. Oh well, got to enjoy it while I can – because I get to see my angel whenev-
"So," Shinji says, breaking me out of my thought processes. "I guess I'll see you in the morning." He rises to his feet and gives me a polite bow. "Goodnight Lana-san."
"Good night, Ikari-san," I reply, noticing that Misato discretely left some covers for me to sleep with. "Wait," I call quickly as Shinji turns to leave.
Shinji looks back, his eyebrow quirked slightly. I rise to my feet, twisting my beret in my hands for a moment as a blush radiates from my cheeks, burning my skin. "Could I borrow one of your shirts?" I ask timidly, knowing how inappropriate this request is, but knowing also that I do not have a choice. "I don't have any nightclothes with me, and I... I can't sleep... n-naked..."
My blush was something, but at that moment, Shinji's surpassed mine. I wasn't surprised though – he's a very shy man after all, and I did just ask to sleep in his clothes. But he does reply, "Yeah, sure," and march stiffly off to his room. He appears a minute later with a shirt that is quite oversized for my five foot frame... but exactly what I need.
"Thank you Ikari-san," I say once more. "For everything."
"Any time Lana-san, but do me one favor?" he asks.
"Hmm?" I hum.
"Call me Shinji," he says shyly.
"Sure, Shinji-kun," I say in a warm voice, drawing another blush from him. "And goodnight. Have sweet dreams."
He nods, bowing once more. And with that, we go to sleep, waiting for another day.
Continued...
Author's Notes:
Still Darkness
Part 1
Memories of My Angel/Dreams of the Dark
By Angel Mikaal
"That's the new girl," I hear a boy mumble from across the school's hall, making me pause as I reach into my new locker to put my city shoes in.
"I'd say she's a six out of ten, eh Takashi," whispers his companion, covering his mouth in a lame attempt to be discrete.
Unfortunately, his stare is still on me.
Assholes, I think to myself as I walk towards my new classroom. I just get here and they're already undressing me with their eyes. Could it get any worse?
WHACK!! With that I land on the floor.
Great. It just did...ow, that hurt.
"I'm sorry...are you okay, miss?" a boy asks, offering me his hand. I look at it for a few moments with a blush evident on my cheeks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply, taking the proffered hand and saying in kind, "thanks for the hand."
"Ummm, you're welcome," he says. I finally get a good look at him. He's not a tall person, maybe around 5'6, with brown hair, and... are those blue eyes? Must have a foreign member somewhere in the family line.
Is he talking to me? I think while giving him the once-over. I see his lips moving, but what is he saying?
"Huh?"
"I was wondering wh-why you were staring at m-me?" he stutters, quickly extracting his hand from mine. "Is there something on me?"
"Huh? Oh, no! I'm sorry. How rude of me. My name is Velton Lana, nice to meet you." As I say this, I bow at the waist, inclining my head towards the boy. I think I'm doing this right.
"Yo-you don't have to bow to me," he says quickly. "My name is Ikari Shinji. Nice to meet you. What class are you in?"
"Two-A," I quip to him. "And I'm going to be late. Please excuse me." I rush out after taking a glance at my watch. I feel like I'm missing something, I think as I dash down the hall to my classroom.
I fling the door open, much to the surprise of the class and the sensei. Oh, good first impression. Scare the class and teacher to death the first day. Although the teacher looks like he won't live past tomorrow. After the last thought, I snicker out loud, which earns me a stern look from the sensei.
"Well," my new sensei says. "Look who finally decided to join us. Class, this is Velton Lana. She's new... but unfortunately you will not be getting a chance to get to know her, as she will be spending the first half of the day in the hall, holding these buckets. Now go."
Sensei gives me a frowning look as I take the buckets and head out the door. To worsen the fact, the whole class is laughing at me. Yeah, super first impression, Lana.
That's when I hear sensei yell, "And Ikari-san will join Velton-san in the hall."
A resigned sigh accompanies the sliding of the classroom door.
I turn to look at Ikari as he stands beside me. "Sorry about this Ikari-san, I didn't mean to get you into any trouble."
He shrugs as best as he can, saying nothing.
"You don't like to talk much, do you Ikari-san?" I say as I look at the classroom door across the hall from me. All I get is a low grumble in response from his abdominal region. "Or, you could be hungry," I hurriedly pipe, giggling out loud.
"I am a little hungry," he admits quietly.
Soon, an unsettling silence comes between us. Of course, the unsettling bit might have been the buckets of ice water weighing my arms down like a ton of lead. Surprisingly, I don't have to break the ice – no pun intended – on this one... Ikari does it.
"Umm, Velton-san. Can I ask you a question?"
"Why? You just did," I quip in a sarcastic tone, adding a little smile at the corner of my mouth.
"Huh? Oh, sorry to bother you then."
"Go ahead and ask your question Ikari-san," I sigh. "I didn't mean anything by what I said. I'm sorry." I'm going to have to be careful with this one, I think to myself. Talk about low self-esteem.
"It's about your hat," he says cautiously. "Why are you wearing a... ummm...what is it called... what kind of hat is that?"
His unexpected question takes me so off guard that I almost drop a pail of water.
"It's a beret," I reply slowly, "and it's very special. Someone gave it to me when I was little." I glance at him from the corner of my eye. "Why do you ask?"
I blush as I realize that this last question has come out more like a demand. Talking about my father's beret always brings tears to my eyes, so I turn my head so Ikari doesn't see them.
"I mean...ummm...it looks nice," he fumbles quickly, keeping my attention on the conversation and (thankfully) off the feelings of sadness welling up inside me. "But, my real question is, why are you wearing it inside the school?"
I then realize that he is perfectly justified in asking this question. I had been wearing my beret the whole time. Not only does the blonde braid that hangs down to my lower back make me stand out, but I forgot to take off my beret. I hope none of the teachers take it, I think to myself, trying not to panic as I look up and down the halls for any signs of an adult.
"Sensei won't take it, if that's what you're worried about," Ikari says, easing my fears considerably. "You're not from around here, are you?" he asks in a slightly timid voice, as if he's afraid I'll pounce him for asking.
"No, I'm not," I answer in a calm manner. I see him visibly relax, but he's still tense. I sigh. "Me and my mother just moved here about a week ago."
"What about your father?" he asks, even though it looks as if he didn't mean to say that.
"Well, my father is...deceased," I say, managing to keep my voice even. "My mother got a job over here in NERV." The drunk bitch, I think disgustedly as I take a breath to continue. "So we have to move to a city plagued by death and destruction just so my crappy mother can work here for better money. I'd rather be living back at my home." Ah, I sigh in my head. Finally, got that off my chest... not that he wanted to know all that, but....
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" I ask, confused. "It's not your fault."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he says again.
"This could get redundant," I sigh up to the ceiling.
"Sor-" he starts to say it again, but I cut him off.
"Please stop. You might have the whole world on your shoulders, but you can't be sorry for everything." I soften my voice. "I know who you are, Ikari-san... I mean, who doesn't? I just didn't think you would be like this."
I see that he is about to apologize again, and I interject before he gets the chance. "It's okay to be sorry about... about things like my father, but sometimes it's better to just keep the apology to yourself instead of saying it out loud, okay?"
"Sor...I mean, sure."
"Good. Can I ask you a question, Ikari Shinji-san?"
He looks at me, a faint smile playing on his lips. "But, Velton-san..."
"Yes?" I ask, purposely taking the bait.
"You just asked me one," he quips, looking at me with a small, victorious grin
I laugh out loud, pleased to hear him echo it with one of his own. "Ikari-san," I say, doing my best to sound formal, though the grin on my face makes it tough, "can I ask you two questions?"
"Sure," he says, trying to restrain his laughter at the horrible joke we've made.
"Can I be your friend?" I inquire seriously, letting my smile fall away.
He opens his mouth to answer, his own smile vanishing as well, but before he can speak, one of the most annoying events in school occurs.
The bell rings.
My day goes from bad to worse at this point, because the sound of the bell catches me by surprise, making me drop the buckets of water, throwing my whole sense of balance off and sending me toppling straight into (you guessed it) Shinji's chest, sending us both to the floor in a tangled, soggy heap just as all the classroom doors slide open, giving every student on the first floor a good, hearty laugh
In perfect synchronization, we both groan, "How embarrassing."
Great impression for a potential friend, Lana, I think disgustedly, Probably hates you now...baka.
With our compromising position, and the gallons of water soaking us to the skin, it is very easy to see how Ikari and I are blushing radiantly. I can feel the heat off of his and my cheeks.
We're walking infernos.
Yeah... great first impression.
After a few seconds, I get myself up and extend my hand to him, reversing the events of earlier that morning. I stand there for over a minute, waiting for him to take my hand... and just when I am convinced that he thinks I'm an idiot, and would rather stay on the floor than accept my help, he finally takes my hand. Thus, I let out a sigh of relief while Ikari gives a quick word of gratitude.
"Ikari-san?" I ask in an inquisitive voice. "Can I eat with you today? I don't know anyone else, yet. If you don't want me to, that's fine."
I hope that with the combination of the tone in my voice and the pleading expression on my face he won't be able to say no. "Umm...sure, you can eat with me and my friends... if it's ok with them."
After gathering our bentos, Ikari going into the classroom to retrieve his and while I grab mine from my locker, we go out to the roof to find his friends. "Hi guys," Ikari says when we get up there. "I brought someone else to eat with us today. Is... that ok?"
"Um, Shinji, in case you hadn't noticed, your new friend is a girl," says the one in the tracksuit.
Pfft, how rude, I think to myself, deciding instantly that I do not like him.
"Oh be quiet Touji," the other boy says, "She's human too you know." He raises his hand in a small wave. "Have a seat. Any friend of Shinji's is a friend of mine."
"Thank you," I say to the one that defended me. I then proceed to bow to them, "My name is Velton Lana, but you can call me Lana. Thanks for letting me eat with you."
The whole group seems to be so embarrassed by the fact that I'm bowing to them that I quickly stand upright, then sit down in (what seems, anyway) less than a second.
"My name is Kensuke," says the one who reprimanded Touji, holding his hand out to me. I quickly shake it. "And that's Touji," he says, pointing to the suit-clad boy. "Sorry for his outburst, he tends to do things before thinking."
As Kensuke says this, I hear Touji mutter "bakayaro" under his breath in Kensuke's direction.
"That's quite alright," I respond. "He should be glad he has a friend like you, Kensuke-san."
"Why do you say that?" he inquires.
"That big mouth of his will get him in trouble one day," I retort. At this, Touji gets up and moves like he's going to tackle me, but Ikari and Kensuke both push him back down, their expressions hinting that this is not the first time they've had to restrain him.
We then proceed to eat lunch, throwing the occasional barb and oral jab here and there, and generally having a good time. It seems as though they put up their defenses... but I guess that's understandable, seeing as how they don't know me yet.
Then the bell rings once again, and lunch is over. The rest of the day seems to fly by, ending with bows and exchanged wishes of a good evening. I didn't realize class could finish so fast, but I'm glad. This gives me more time to think about the person I want to call my friend.
Saying goodbye to the trio, I begin my journey home.
**
My dreams consume me. I toss and turn, groaning in my bed – knowing I am dreaming, but unable to return to consciousness. Always the same dream, always the same sweat.
I walk down the metal halls in Germany. Maple leaf logos loom at me from every angle as if they want to swallow me up. Staring down at me, like I am an insect. But, I can see, and somehow, I manage to walk on.
I come to a door that is closed. The keypad on most of the doors in this place is strangely absent. I can't walk through there, since I remember what my angel told me: "You go through these doors without clearance, you die."
Funny how I only remember the bad stuff. It seems that the keypad got ripped off. I know I shouldn't go through the door, but it calls to me. Something in there calls to me, as if it were in pain. I can hear the cries filter through the door into my head. I have no idea what it is, but it calls to me. I cannot refuse.
Idiot that I am, I open the door. And I scream. I don't scream at the sight in front of me; though it is truly horrible... no, the blinding pain I feel in my body is what overcomes me. They are sealing up the beast within, but causing her undo pain while doing so. I feel her anguish. I feel her soul. And it screams for freedom. There is an underlying feeling that the trapped soul is doing what is right. But knowing this does not mitigate the pain.
The voice that I hear in my dream. Oh, how I miss her so. The body belonging to the voice was more of a mother to me than my current one, although I doubt she knew that I thought that back then. And I still think that. She helped me as I got the treatments. She took care of me when my mother was not there. She helped me when my father died. She was always there when I needed her. Now, I can't find my pseudo-mother figure no matter how hard I try. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. All I have left are these bittersweet dreams of her.
What I miss most, of course, is her holding me while I cried, shaking and sweating as I finally broke free of the dream. Always the same dream. I miss her so.
In the dream, I turn to the familiar voice. There she is in all her glory. As I run to her, she starts fading away, as if she were never there. And then, the pain... the screaming pain. It will all go away when I can touch her, even our fingers brushing. The pain will go away. But, then she's gone...
I awake, screaming and crying. I still feel its pain. I still remember the day I went into the wrong door. I still remember how it felt, and still know how it feels. It's like I am bonded to its soul. And the voice...my angel...Ka-
**
"Eck, I hate that bitch," I spit out angrily as I head quickly out of my new home. "She yells at me for her having a bad day at work." I shake myself, glancing around at the still-unfamiliar streets to get my bearing, then starting off towards a nearby convenience store to buy a drink.
We've already been here a month, and she has snapped at me every day this week. I miss my papa. I quickly brush at the tears forming in my eyes as I finally make it into the store.
When I get inside, I see someone I thought would be impossible to find in this city. I see Ikari.
And I smile.
"Ikari-san."
"Oh, Velton-san," he says in a surprised tone. "I didn't know you were in here. Do you live nearby?"
"Mmhmm," I nod, looking curiously at the armful of groceries he is carrying towards the counter. "Are those just for you, or your family?"
"These are for my guardian and me," he replies, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot – as if he doesn't want to talk in the open. Then he asks an unexpected question. "Would you like to join us for dinner?"
"Now, Ikari-san. I don't want to be a burden, and I barely know you. I don't think it would be appro-"
"It's really okay," he cuts me off meekly. "My guardian wants to meet you anyways."
"Why is that?" I ask.
"She wants to know why the new transfer student wants to be my friend. She also recognized your name, and wanted to talk to you. I don't know why," he shrugs, "but will you eat with us?"
I stare at him, speechless. He didn't stammer at all, but he talked so fast that I could barely understand it. All I can do is nod my head, since I'm not all that interested in going home any time soon, and follow him out of the store. Thus, after a few minutes of quiet, conversation- less walking, we arrive at his apartment building and head up to his floor.
"I'm home," he calls out, slipping his shoes off and gesturing for me to precede him in. I almost walk in with my shoes on before I remember where I am. That would be great, I think, nearly slapping myself from the momentary memory slip, Ikari-san would probably think you were some incredibly rude gaijin for walking in his home with your street shoes...baka.
What I am not expecting to see is Captain Katsuragi standing in the kitchen when Ikari and I enter. She smiles. My jaw falls to the floor. She stands calmly. I barely hold my balance. She playfully winks her left eye. Mine almost fall out. "Go-good evening, Katsuragi-iichi," I manage to get out. "It's nice to see you again."
"Yes it is Lana," she says in a grinning tone. "So... how are your eyes?"
All Ikari can do is look between us, as if we were conjoined twins.
Out of all the questions I expected, that one was at the top of the list...unfortunately. But I know I cannot avoid answering, so I do the only thing I could think of: I give an honest reply, my voice quavering slightly as I whisper, "My eyes are fine. I finally learned all my... my colors, Katsuragi-iichi."
"That's great Lana," she says soothingly, "Now, do me a favor and call me Misato, will you?"
I just nod, finding that poor Ikari, having no idea what's going on, has simply set the groceries on the counter and started dinner. With Misato's question about my eyes though, I hear him pause with his preparations for a second, waiting for my answer before continuing in silence.
"Dinner will be ready soon," he announces after several awkward moments have passed.
It is very strange. I've been here a month, and even though I have hung out with him and his friends, I still don't know much about him.
Especially this. No, there was no way I could have seen THIS coming.
Soon, dinner is ready, and we sit down to eat. A silence fills the room, seemingly rendering all conversation impossible before finally being shattered (of course) by Misato.
"You know, all I heard about this week was the new transfer student that came to class," she says, driving her chopsticks deep into the pile of noodles on her plate. "Shinji-kun talked a lot about you, Lana. You must be a fun friend."
"I try," I reply sheepishly, shooting Shinji a nervous glance, and finding him just looking away, a light blush gracing his cheeks as he takes a small bite of his food.
"I see you're still wearing your beret."
"Of course," I say, unable to keep the note of sadness out of my voice, "It's all I have left of him."
"So Lana," Misato says abruptly, keeping her eyes on her food, "those treatments were pretty amazing, weren't they? Must be nice to finally be like everyone else."
"Misato-san," I say in a wavering voice, "I still thank whoever's up there that it worked, and yes, it's very nice not to be... different anymore."
Finally, Ikari speaks. "What are you two talking about? I'm really confused."
Misato looks at me and says, "Why don't you tell him Lana? If you want to be his friend, he needs to find out sooner or later, right?"
Sometimes, I hate that woman. But she's right, he needs to know eventually. "Well, Ikari-san," I begin reluctantly, "I know Misato-san from five years ago. She was in Germany at the time where some... new types of medical treatments were held."
"What kind of treatments?" Ikari inquires.
I can't look him in the eyes. For some reason, I feel ashamed of what I'm about to tell him – like I am broken, or torn.
"Well," I sigh, "there were cancer treatments, mental instability clinics, and then there was a... there was... a..." I try to keep going, but my throat just locks up.
I don't know why I'm so hurt by this, I think, wishing I could meet Ikari's inquisitive brown eyes, I should be happy about what happened there. Is it because I don't want my friend to think I'm broken or damaged in some way? I-I don't know anymore.
Thankfully, and at the same time regretfully, Misato continues for me. "There were a couple of doctors in Germany that made a drug that could repair the nerve synapses between the eyes and the brain, and reroute the optic nerves," she says softly, smiling as I raise my head, "It could cure blindness."
All Ikari does is tilt his head a little to the side and say, "I don't get it."
I feel a very strong urge to slap myself on the forehead. "It means, Ikari-san, that I was blind five years ago," I finish for her.
"You were blind?"
When a person asks a blunt, yet already clarified question, I can get very frustrated. This time, though, all I can do is sit there, answering with a meek, "Yes."
"It's alright if you don't want to be my friend Ikari-san," I say slowly, picking at my food as he stares at me with open wonder.
"Why would I stop being your friend?" Shinji asks, sounding entirely confused.
"Because I'm a broken person," I nearly spit, "My mother always says that no one wants a broken person – it's burdensome. She says that I should have stayed blind and... and left my... my soul intact."
This is the last straw. I can't hold back the tears anymore. I put my face in my hands, ashamed of my weakness, and try to stem the tide of sadness flowing from my eyes, but it's useless, it just keeps going on and on. I cry almost every day, when I'm alone – but this is ridiculous. Ikari definitely won't want to be my friend now.
After several minutes of bawling, I feel someone wrap their arms around me, surrounding me with warmth and comfort. You never really realize just how much words can hurt until they are reinforced and drilled into your head, over and over and over, until you just KNOW they are true. And sure enough, what my mother tells me always manages to hurt me... no matter how much I try to tell myself that she's wrong.
After a solid ten minutes of crying, I find myself kneeling on the floor in the living room, with Shinji sitting across from me and urging me to take a cup of tea. I look around the apartment, but Misato is nowhere to be found. I hear her voice, though, coming from somewhere down the hall.
Shinji presses the cup of tea into my hand. "It'll be alright Lana- san," he says in a slightly shaky, but kind tone. "Misato will help you."
"Really?" I ask, looking into the depths of my teacup, already knowing the answer to the question.
I still can't believe I broke down like that... that hasn't happened in a long time. I take my beret off and grip it tightly, carefully setting my tea on the floor between us. The action of wringing the beret in my hands comforts me, but I don't wring it TOO hard, for fear of damaging it. Like I told Misato... it's the only one of my father's things I have left. It's very precious to me.
I look up at Shinji after a few minutes. "Ikari-san," I whisper pathetically, "why are you even talking to me? You're... you're too good to waste your time with a broken person like me."
Shinji looks stunned for a second. Then a decidedly angry look passes over his face. "If anyone's broken, it's me," he says firmly, his voice ringing with disgust and self-loathing.
Confusion must have shown on my face pretty clearly, for Shinji looks at me as if I had grown two heads. "You've been nothing but nice to me since I met you Ikari-san," I point out, "You're not broken, it's me. I don't deserve-"
"Don't say it Lana-san," he roughly cuts me off. "You're not a broken soul. You're just fine. Please understand – you're my friend, and I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible, so... so don't say that you're... broken, ok? I... I don't think there's anything wrong with you."
Great, I think to myself, wiping once more at my eyes. He made me cry again. This time though, they are tears of mirth. And I guess Shinji didn't expect me to hug him, as he tenses when my arms wrap around his torso, embracing him. Eventually, though, he does finally return the hug.
Misato comes in seconds after Shinji returned my embrace of friendship. "Well Lana-san," she says, smiling softly as I look up at her, "if you want to, you can stay here tonight."
"Really?" I ask gratefully. "I wouldn't want to intrude though, that being rude and all."
"Not rude at all," she replies truthfully. "I enjoy seeing an old friend making my charge happy." Misato looks at us thoughtfully. "Although, I think I have to make sure you two stay in separate rooms..."
I never thought I could blush so hotly. Oh, but I did, and that's all that matters. Though I can feel the heat from Shinji's cheeks also, so it isn't just me. After Misato's comment, I let go of Shinji – slowly, so he won't think I'm disgusted or anything like that.
"And Lana-san," Misato says gently. "You're always welcome here, ok?" If smiles were sounds, I'm sure that the one that lit up my face could be heard around the world. I couldn't have been happier. I'd missed her so much... and now I can see her anytime I want.
Well, I think to myself, this is an odd situation I got myself in. Oh well, got to enjoy it while I can – because I get to see my angel whenev-
"So," Shinji says, breaking me out of my thought processes. "I guess I'll see you in the morning." He rises to his feet and gives me a polite bow. "Goodnight Lana-san."
"Good night, Ikari-san," I reply, noticing that Misato discretely left some covers for me to sleep with. "Wait," I call quickly as Shinji turns to leave.
Shinji looks back, his eyebrow quirked slightly. I rise to my feet, twisting my beret in my hands for a moment as a blush radiates from my cheeks, burning my skin. "Could I borrow one of your shirts?" I ask timidly, knowing how inappropriate this request is, but knowing also that I do not have a choice. "I don't have any nightclothes with me, and I... I can't sleep... n-naked..."
My blush was something, but at that moment, Shinji's surpassed mine. I wasn't surprised though – he's a very shy man after all, and I did just ask to sleep in his clothes. But he does reply, "Yeah, sure," and march stiffly off to his room. He appears a minute later with a shirt that is quite oversized for my five foot frame... but exactly what I need.
"Thank you Ikari-san," I say once more. "For everything."
"Any time Lana-san, but do me one favor?" he asks.
"Hmm?" I hum.
"Call me Shinji," he says shyly.
"Sure, Shinji-kun," I say in a warm voice, drawing another blush from him. "And goodnight. Have sweet dreams."
He nods, bowing once more. And with that, we go to sleep, waiting for another day.
Continued...
Author's Notes: