Everybody's Trying To Be My Baby
Edited Version
(The slang was driving me insane!)
I've always known I was way past cool. I don't know whether it was the first time I was able to beat 'Buttnik at his own game, or if it was when I was five, cruisin' about the city, gettin' chili dogs. Life was good then, buddy…you know why? It wasn't because there was no war; it wasn't 'cause I didn't even know the fiend 'Buttnik would end up bein'…
It's because I was left alone. You heard it: I was left alone. Alright, so maybe not exactly alone, I had friends, but at five, I was juicin' and cruisin'. Girls, they had cooties as far as I was concerned, and as for girls, well, they thought I was gross, chompin' down on my chili dogs. Sal even tells me now I've got no table manners, but then, well, man, I'd have to say it was a rather gruesome sight.
And now I wonder…if I started eatin' my chili dogs like that again, if I could get a moment's peace. Peace? Now why would the True Blue, coolest guy ever be sayin' that?
It's the FANS!
Sure, I love fame, but trust me, psychologically everyone needs a little space and me? I never seem to get it anymore. Everywhere I go, I hear 'OHMIGOSH IT'S SONIC!' It's mania, buddy; pure mania! 'I love you, Sonic'; 'MARRY ME, Sonic!' (That one's the worse)…it's horrible! Hey, girls are nice, I'll admit, but not so many! Sometimes I just want them to lay off for good, go back to their little fan club and leave me be…
I used to like the attention, honestly. I liked the occasional compliment (alright, so maybe more than occasional). But every time I even burst IN through a city, a bunch of fan girls go 'ga ga' and get all over me.
And I hate it, buddy.
They always seem to forget that I've got feelings too, and honestly, it's not for them, the whole compassion, 'give the good-lookin' hedgehog a break' thing. Sure, it's sort of cool, the attention, that is…but the fact everyone wants to be my baby is driving me insane. It's an all-out brawl for some; some major competition!
'Sonic's MINE,' they cry, as if they've reached hysteria or something (trust me, I've heard the tone of their voice, it's true, bud). It's like a little cat fight for some and it'd be downright entertaining if it wasn't me they were fightin' over. I guess it's always different when it's you 'cause if it was Red or someone, I would be laughing like crazy! It'd be their problem, not mine.
But the fact is, it ismy problem. Can I help I was this good-lookin' and cookin'? I don't think so, buddy. Sal says I'm egotistical; full of myself, but can I help it with all the confidence these females give me? She's the only one out there that ever seems to reprimand me even playfully because all the rest of the girls I know; they're always telling me how charmin' I am; how handsome…
And she blames me over my ego! Like I can help my natural abilities; like I can help all the compliments I receive! She compliments me too sometimes, you know, with the ideal amount of compliments I wanna receive, not one every sonic second. Her compliments are rare and that's what makes them worth the effort for. There are other people like that, but most of them are guys. Red, Ant (man, does that guy ever compliment me?), there's more, but I'm telling you, they're all guys. And when a fan isn't complimenting me, they're nagging me (well the ones I know really well, anyway)! It's not the kind of nagging Sal'll do if I screw up. That's serious nagging…well, maybe nag isn't the right word for hers. It's not the kind of fussing Ant'll do if I've gotta run him places. It's this whiney nag; this complaining PMSy nag. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU SEE ME SOONER, SONIC?' you know, the 'HOW COULD YOU' nag? I'm thinking I oughta start eatin' chili dogs the old way again…
I tried something similar in front of this one crazed fan, Amy Rose…I think her name was. Man, she's been tryin' to get me to marry her since I first rescued her and you know what? I hate it. I think she's one of the heads of my fan club or something 'cause she always seems to know where I am. A personal stalker, I suppose, but she's okay when she isn't acting hysteric like the rest of 'em.
So anyway, I was eatin' my chili dog sloppily, trying to display this repulsive sight, but no, she still goes all over me with the 'OH SONIKKU' card. Sonikku…man, I hatethat name.
You know, I hate a lot of things, now that I think about it, and they aren't all 'Buttnik or when there's no chili left in the pantry.
All the same, I'm thinking next time I have to go even more spontaneous with the whole gruesome sight thing. I'm thinking I should throw some bubble gum in too…I'll grab a gum ball, blow a giant bubble, pop it in their face (and I mean literally, not that kind of taunting stuff (for some girls, they might even consider it flirting…a mondo huge no, if you know what I mean, the taunting's out!)) and then run, grabbing a chili dog and eatin' it like I was five again!
I'm thinking it's more genius than the last two plans I tried because telling them plainly that I'm not interested doesn't change anything. Maybe I oughta take a girl out just to show them I'm taken. Then again, no, 'cause the papers go crazy over that stuff. I can imagine…taking a girl I like out would only lead to them taking out their anger out on her. So basically, there's no escaping them. Sometimes I think they're a fate worse than spending time with 'Buttnik, or his little nephew Snotly. Yeah, really thinking about it, they're definitely worse than that.
Call me an exaggerator, but I'm plain serious when I'm saying all this. Take the other day, for instance. I was juicin' about, getting a chili dog and refill on gum (gum's just about the only thing that keeps my mouth busy when I'm near them. It's an excuse to keep me from exploding on them) and I saw these two girls going crazy. It's amazing 'cause they multiplied like a troop of SWATbutts.
"HE'S MINE!" one squealed.
"NO WAY, I SAW HIM FIRST!" defended the other.
Now the conversation went like this for sometime, until there were about fifteen going crazy over me. Naturally, I was about juice again, forgetting the gum, but suddenly it's like an explosion 'cause they're all fighting over me, now physically. I'm telling you, it would have taken more than a bunch of a city officials to make them stop because they were as at it as I usually am down in 'ol Robotropolis, back in the Great War days.
It's this massive girl fight and all these girls are squealing 'He's mine!''; 'I'm gonna marry him!'; 'I'M his biggest fan!'…
My biggest fan, buddy, has to be the person who was my biggest fan before all this fame. You know what? My ideal biggest fan wouldn't be saying she was my biggest fan. She'd be a motivator, an optimist maybe, but she wouldn't be saying she was my biggest fan. She wouldn't go all out with it…and you know what, now that I think about it, I don't want a biggest fan, I want a biggest friend. Fans can't be friends, buddy, and I learned that the hard way with all these girls.
So it's going on for about ten minutes now and everyone's watching. Suddenly I vanish out of the picture, and I get my gum, happily chewing a piece (they finally came out with chili dog flavor, and it's gotta be the highlight of my year, bud). I'm still standing there, watching with my eyes widened.
All the while, I'm thinking, "Man, why did I ever have to stop believin' they have cooties?"…