His Shield

Steve Rogers x Reader

Genre: Angst, Tragedy

He lost his shield at some point during the battle. I remember looking over and seeing him there, wide open and vulnerable and it wasn't in me to let him die. Not him. Next I knew, I was standing in front of him... and he was crying out my name.

There'd been so many things I'd wanted to tell him before the war started, but I never got the chance. And by the time I saw him again, all of it had straight up vanished. My mind was blank. My silver tongue turned to lead. My voice failed me. Nothing worked. That's one of the many bad things about being a part of the Avengers, maybe not as an actual hero or anything, but as the one and only tech girl who actually gave a crap about their lives and got to know the people behind the masks. I rarely got one on one time with them though, and when I did it was always less than ten minutes because I was always stationed in a different part of Tony Stark's house or they were off saving the world. Nonetheless, that distance never seemed to keep one of my favorite guys away. That guy being Clinton Barton. He was a sweetheart and a great friend to boot. Even though Tony asked him countless times to stay away from the tech stations where I was, he'd come back to the back and bring me a cup of Earl Gray when he did. We'd chat about anything we could possibly think about and randomly ask about each other's day, even if nothing special had really happened. Somehow, though, the conversation always slid to the one and only person I didn't really want to talk about: Steve Rogers, also known as the Star Spangled man with a Plan, Captain America.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't like Steve. I did. It was actually pretty much the opposite of not liking him. I was afraid I was in love with him and let's be honest, feelings like that for people like him... Well, it just never worked out for anyone. So the only one I ever confessed to willingly was Hawkeye. Tony knew because he was Tony. And outside that small, odd little triangle, no one else had a clue. Because of such a feat, I liked to think of myself as a great actress. (I also took theater on the side of my programming and coding classes, but who's counting that as part of the reason why I was so great?)- and that's why I believed hanging around Steve was so easy when he dropped by. Pretending like I thought of him as just a friend came with relative ease, and when Clint was around, he acted normal too. I wish I could have said the same for Tony, who liked to constantly tease me if he ever caught Steve and I together. He'd wink at me from behind the Captain's back and make inappropriate gestures or comments, before he'd ask Steve to return to the area of the house sanctioned off for the Avengers. Steve would, unfortunately, usually go too.

When I was alone again, I'd mess around on a computer and help keep Stark Industries up and running. Keep the systems clean and if anyone attempted to hack into the database, eliminate the threat, worm my way into their systems, and wipe their data out instead. Why Tony had me though was still beyond my comprehension. It wasn't like he actually needed someone like me, not when he was literally Tony Stark, leader in the technology industry, and not when he had a self-made program like Jarvis. Most of the time I felt like I didn't even belong. Not there. Not in that large house with its large rooms or fancy chairs and its amazing technological equipment. In my mind I belonged out in the streets picking up trash. I mean, that's where I grew up. It was only when I reached high school that all that changed. Still, I didn't feel any better. I mean, I still didn't really have a purpose. I was just kind of there... sipping on tea with Hawkeye, discussing various things with Tony (and when I say various, I mean various), and acting like Steve Rogers was nothing more than a friend to me. And it hurt.

It struck a chord deep inside of me. It made me feel hollow.

It made me feel empty and it wasn't the kind of emptiness that could be filled with material possessions according to their monetary value or the kind that could just be washed away with idle chatter from one of your only friends. It was the kind that needed attention and affection, the kind that would only die away if there was someone beside me to help me get rid of it. And let's face it, when you're alone most of the time, the last thing you're bound to get is the company of another human being. That's why it's called being alone. "You know, you should probably get inside... It's dangerous out here."

My head turned and I blinked. There stood Steve, a half frown on his face, and he waved at me like I'd lost all sanity. When he realized I was finally tuning back in, he placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and began to nudge me towards a small cafe away from the battle with some pretty classy villain. But I stopped and stood and stared off into the distance again, like I was wondering if it was even worth it anymore. Bad time for it, but still... After the life I'd lived, the life I dared not to tell anyone else about, it made sense. I mean it's not like I was suicidal. Questioning the value of life was more like it. And if it just so happened that I was in a road and a car was coming at me full speed ahead, I wouldn't move. It'd be better for everyone if I didn't. "Hey, c'mon! You gotta get outta here! It's dangerous!"

"Cap, I... I can't..."

"Like hell you can't!" he replied as he lifted me up and carried me into the cafe himself. "You're not gonna stand out there and get yourself killed! The bad guys are everywhere!"

"I know, Steve!" I said in retaliation. "I'm not a child, I know! Okay?! I was the one who helped pin down their location! I was the one who tracked down their hideout and exposed them and got their little organization on the map for you guys! I was the one who started this war! If I hadn't have said a word, the streets wouldn't be bathed in blood! The park wouldn't be a battle field! There wouldn't be bodies on the side walk, Steve! I... I deserve to stand out there and see the chaos I've caused, the war I started. I deserve to be killed!"

For a long time, there was silence. The pregnant pause seemed unending until Steve finally spoke again. He eased me down onto my feet, and when he realized I was staring down at the ground, he forced my chin up and made me look at him. "You didn't do this to start a war," he said quietly. People stirred nervously in the background, pointed out the shift of current events outside, but Steve ignored them, and focused on me. On my tears. On my worries. "You did this to save lives, to bring about justice, and you did so with every good intention known to mankind. You have a pure heart. Evil is the last thing on your mind. Don't ever doubt yourself, not ever again, not like this. And never, ever think you deserve to die. You're a good person and had you not told us, innocent people would still be vanishing and turning up dead and another faction of Hydra would still be in the works." As Steve adjusted his shield and prepared to race back into the chaos, he smiled at me and said, "You're my hero, _... Just thought you should know."

Then he was gone. Like a bolt of lightening or a blink of the eye, he was there one moment, and departed the next. When his words finally sank in, my cheeks turned pink, and I scooted back so my back was against the wall opposite of where Cap and I had once been standing. My stomach was alive with a million butterflies, and my heart cried out in ways I didn't know possible. It danced in my chest with every bit of power that I didn't know I had. It felt pleasant. Unnerving, but pleasant. And for the longest time, I stood and admired the feeling swelling in the pit of my belly.

Guess my suspicions were confirmed then though. When Cap had lifted me into his arms, cradled me to his chest, and carried me to safety all by himself, I finally knew for sure that I was in love with him. That he was the only man I'd ever come to truly care for in that sort of way, the only man I admired as more than just a friend. Captain America was the love of my life... even if he didn't feel the same way. "Good Lord, it's gone! He's gonna die!"

"What?! No!"

"That can't be! He'll get it back! You'll see!"

"He can't! He's surrounded!"

"What about the other Avengers?! Where are they?!"

"Off fighting somewhere else!"

I turned at the aforementioned statements and my brows furrowed in confusion. What? "They managed to single him out! He's without his shield, too! They'll kill 'im!"

Suddenly, the feeling of giddiness that had been growing inside of me for the past fifteen minutes turned to pure horror. My blood ran cold and I raced to the window to look outside. Color vanished from my face and left my skin white. "Steve," I breathed.

Some man was walking towards him. Even though he didn't look like much of a threat, he was the one who disarmed Steve, who kicked his shield aside, who was about to pull the trigger and lodge a bullet in Captain America's skull. And I panicked. Not in the way where I froze to my spot, but in the way where I acted on impulse and adrenaline. I picked myself up, carried myself out, and raced towards the scene currently playing itself out. The barrel of the gun lifted. Eyes shifted. It seemed like I was the center of attention. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Steve struggling against the people holding him down, but his energy was depleted. He couldn't get them off, not now, and he'd lost his shield at some point during the battle. He was completely and utterly defenseless. Vulnerable. They could kill him and they would if I didn't do something.

So that's why I did. That's why I took my place in front of the gun. "_!"

That's why I let myself get riddled with bullets. "_!"

That's why I let myself take Steve's place.

One. Two. Three. That was all I was able to count before I couldn't focus anymore. I continued to hear the vehement roar of a gun right in front of me, but as for making out individual bullets popping out and tearing through my skin, it was well into impossible.

The world around me grew hazy and dark. Spots of vibrant colors filled my vision and all I heard was a high pitch whistle and Steve screaming my name. My body jerked left and right depending on where the bullets hit me, and once all the rounds had been fired off, I dropped to my knees gasping for breath. It only took a moment for the battle to shift again. Tony had finally made his appearance. Clinton had worked his way through the enemy and was finally able to launch off some arrows at the people who'd been holding Steve down, and Thor was working his way towards the head of the faction. Steve was doing none of those things.

He was, instead, clambering to his feet and running towards me before I could truly hit the ground. "You idiot!" he hissed angrily, pulling me into his arms. "You're so smart! Why would you do something so stupid, huh?! Huh?! You shouldn't have done this!"

It was hard to breathe. The pain was unbearable. Still... I fought to stay awake. "You would've... you would've died, Steve... couldn't let ya... you would'a died..."

"And that's the life I chose for myself! I'm a damn soldier! That's the point! To die fighting for my country and the people in it!"

I smiled. At least, I hoped I did. But the fact that I was unable to really feel my body made me somewhat doubtful that I was. It was probably more of a grimace than anything. I blamed my tears on that too, even though my crying had little do with the physical pain. It was more the fact that I was scared, terrified, even, of closing my eyes, knowing full well I was likely to never see Steve again, knowing I was going to die with the big secret that a small, odd little group of people knew. "...s'okay... 'll be your shield... when you don't have one..."

"Stop! Please!" he suddenly begged, and though it took a long hard look, I finally saw the tears welling in his eyes, too. He squeezed me, held me close, and overall, just coddled me. "Hang on, okay? Tony said he called an ambulance. They're on their way... You're gonna live so I can kill you for doing this to us! To me!"

My heart picked up speed for just a moment... before the palpitations died down and turned to lazy pumps.. A beat here... A beat there... "...not gonna make it, Steve... lemme go..."

"You're gonna make it, _! You're gonna make it, okay? Tussel, he didn't hit any vitals! You're good! You just gotta hold on for me! The ambulance is on its way!"

My eyes began to flutter shut and my small smile began to disappear. "...ste...ve," I whispered in a small voice. "...there's something... been wanting to tell you for a long time..."

Lubb dupp.
Lubb dupp.

Steve lifted his head, his eyes red and puffy and his nose the color of a ripened cherry, and he hugged me a little tighter. "Shh, you can tell me later. I promise."

Lubb dupp.

"Won't... be able to..."

"Yes, you will... They're almost here, _. I promise. Just hold on."

Lubb dupp.

"...Steve..."

Lubb dupp.

"They're right there, _! Thirty seconds and you can tell me everything when you wake up at the hospital!"

A tear rolled down my cheek and I coughed. Blood trickled down my chin and slid down my neck, and with the last of my breath, I tried to tell Steve what I wanted to say. But
all that came out was a hoarse, "I..." Nothing more, nothing less... My secret was kept a secret up until the day I died.

My eyes closed and the world fell dark around me. And in the seven minutes of brain activity I had left where I relived my life, I found the memories I cherished most to be with the Avengers. Steve, in particular. At least I could say that I died happy...