The Cycle of Our Seasons

Brilliant Autumn

Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso © Naoshi Arakawa, A-1 Pictures, and other respective holders.

The question, "Why do children suffer?" has no answer, unless it's simply, "To break our hearts." Once our hearts get broken, they never fully heal. They always ache. But perhaps a broken heart is a more loving instrument. Perhaps only after our hearts have cracked wide open, have finally and totally unclenched, can we truly know love without boundaries.

Fred Epstein

"Yello? Who is this?" The girl at the phone rubbed her eyes. She looked at the display and groaned inwardly. "Do you even know what time it is?"

"I know," the quiet voice at the other end said. "Tsubaki?"

"Kousei? Well, you're a fine one to hear. Just a sec." Tsubaki Sawabe made herself more comfortable, crossing her legs under her as she levered herself into a sitting position. "So how are you? Where are you?"

"I'm living in a castle now. It's awesome." The voice paused. "It seems Hiroko-sensei likes traveling in style."

"Well, that's good to hear. Last time a certain someone called, he had apparently managed to get lost in France, it was raining and he had very little money left."

"Hey, how was I to know that taxi driver was pulling the wool over my eyes?" Tsubaki could hear the mortification in his tone. "Anyway, you got me out of that spot."

"I'm just glad I was able to help. You worried me sick, you know." She pushed the phone to her ear, since Kousei was speaking so low she couldn't hear him very well.

"I know. It won't happen again."

"You sound cute when you're embarrassed." Outside, the twilit street was empty, their neighbors' houses sleeping and still. "So what are you doing now?"

"Hiroko-sensei got me into something called the Young People in Concert. I'll be partnered with a violinist—I'm practicing with her now—and we'll be doing a series of recitals. Then we'll cross the English Channel into England and head home."

Tsubaki chuckled. "I don't envy you all the make-up work you're going to have to accomplish. Is your student behaving herself?"

"Who, Nagi? She can be annoying at times, but it's no big deal. She calls home almost every night, you know that? And she tells me, 'My brother wants to talk to you.'"

"And?"

"I never knew a voice could be so loud over the phone."

Tsubaki tittered. "She must be very excited since it's her first time traveling abroad."

"Yeah, she is. How's school?"

"Nothing much to report, except that I got drafted."

"What?"

"Drafted into dancing for the opening of an anime festival." Tsubaki groaned. "I think I want to vanish off the face of the Earth."

"Couldn't you back out of it?"

"No, the baseball team manager said all of us juniors had to join or we'd be kicked out of the club for 'lack of spirit.'"

"I really have to call Watari after this."

"Why?"

"To tell him to record you for posterity." She could hear the teasing smile in his voice.

"Gee thanks. You're all heart, Mr. Piano. Bleeh. And in case you don't know what that was, that's me sticking my tongue out at you."

"High definition. Watari should use high definition."

HD, eh? Tsubaki imagined dancing a bit more daringly for Kousei, but quickly snuffed the idea out. She'd come to terms with her feelings for him, and knew that he was still in love with her. Even the passage of four years had done little to change him, save to mute his anguish into a deep melancholy that sometimes surfaced when he was reminded of her. She always tried to keep him away from it, though she had only the vaguest of ideas how. She had a picture of him in her head, culled from a dream: a solitary figure buried deep in the snows his own personal winter, and it seemed it would be a long time before he ever emerged from its depths. In there nothing could hurt him, and he could keep his grief a personal matter and not hurt his friends because of it. Please, tell me about about it, she had wanted to tell him many times. Don't keep the pain to yourself.

At least he was pursuing his music career and seemed happy enough about it.

Kousei laughed. "I would've liked seeing you in a yosakoi dance, though."

"No way," Tsubaki protested. "One performance is enough for a lifetime."

"When you do that second one, Tsubaki, I'll remind you of what you said today."

For some reason she and Kousei wound up chuckling that statement.

"How's the weather there?"

"Everything's fine since that typhoon ended. It's almost October, Kousei. Will you be back by December?"

"Maybe. It's hard to say." There was a rustling sound. "I have to go. We're going to visit Hiroko-sensei's friend."

"And I have a major test later." Looking out the window, Tsubaki saw blinking red and green lights low in the lightening sky. "Tell me your flight, okay? I want to meet you at the airport."

"Will do. Talk to you later."

"Take care."

Once again she looked out at the quiescent world and wondered if she had ever thought of the consequences of leaving that letter to Kousei—he had let Tsubaki know about it once, when he got himself stark raving drunk one night long ago. It was like hanging a dead albatross around his neck, but Tsubaki couldn't blame her. With a short time left to live, she'd have done the same thing herself. One simply couldn't bear the thought of their love, so alive and yet so agonizingly fleeting, being lost to the emptiness and silence of eternity.

I couldn't fill that void in his life, she thought to herself once. For him, that is as essential as air and food. For that reason, she did not begrudge him the memories, though they were a painful reminder of her standing in Kousei's eyes.

Tsubaki looked at the wall clock. She could sleep an hour before she had to get ready for school. She sleepily stretched, noting the dim form of something dark-colored sitting on the road in front of the house on the opposite side of the street.

It was a cat. And even in the shadows of the not-quite-morning, Tsubaki could tell that its eyes were a greenish blue.

-oOo-

September had passed into October, and the trees remained green, uncaring still of the upcoming winter during the warm days of the fading summer. Gathered on one side of the Towa Culture Center, the little group of performers made last-minute preparations. In a few minutes they'd begin their program. There was just a little problem.

"What? Why do I have to be the mascot?" exclaimed Tsubaki. That the one who was supposed to don the roly-poly cat uniform, Koizumi, was going to miss the event was no new news; he had called in to say so two hours ago, felled by a fever. That they were going to stuff her into the costume was.

"Please, Tsubaki-san!" begged Anri Tsugimoto, their de facto leader. She bowed. "It fits you the best and you're the best dancer among us!"

"Oh!" Tsubaki ran her hands through her short brown hair in frustration. She didn't relish getting all sweaty inside the padded uniform. She imagined herself performing in front of all those people and was rewarded with butterflies in her stomach. But it couldn't be helped. "Gimmie!"

There was scattered applause from those around her. She shucked her track pants—causing some of the guys to gawk until they realized she was wearing athletic shorts under the garment—and began to put the costume on, assisted by Anri and another girl.

-oOo-

The opening exhibition went off without a hitch, and they danced amid the applause and onlookers just outside the cultural center. There they had their short display and big finish, which involved the other dancers forming a circle around Tsubaki and waving their fans while doing comic mock-grandiose poses.

The cheer of the audience conveyed their enjoyment at the spectacle. When it was time to exit the area, however, Anri realized that their mascot was standing stock-still in place, and the others were forced to pass by her sides as she blocked their way.

"Hey, Tsubaki," she said, wiping the sweat away from her eyes, "you have to move. People can't exit the stage, you're in the way." The cat waddled off, with Anri staying beside it, ready to help in removing the costume.

When they had almost reached their gathering spot, Tsubaki pointed to her costume's head. Tsugimoto squeezed her shoulder to tell her she understood.

When they had finally relieved her of the monstrous round object, she was shocked at how wet with perspiration their mascot was. Tsubaki looked really tired and her skin was flushed. Anri mopped her face with a towel and signaled for one of their friends, a squinty-eyed guy named Sawamura, to help them.

"God, that was too much," Tsubaki said as Anri tugged her cat forearms off. "I'm never doing this again." Sawamura handed her a drink, but something seemed strange about his behavior. He was staring at her—not at her face, but lower.

Tsubaki looked down and realized her t-shirt had been rendered translucent by her perspiration, exposing her underwear for all the world to see. She covered herself with her arms and yelled loud enough to make Anri (who was unaware of what was transpiring, having turned her back to talk to a fellow student) jump out of her skin.

"What?"

"Do you have a towel or something?" She gestured with her head at herself. "Mitsu-kun here's already had an eyeful."

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare," said Sawamura.

"Looking good, Tsubaki!" exclaimed another voice. Tsubaki turned to her right and found someone familiar standing there. He had a videocam in one hand and grinned at her. She knew that roguish smile all too well.

"Watari! What are you doing here?"

"Doing a favor for Kousei," he answered. "And admiring female charms, it seems." He stepped forward, took Anri's hand and kissed it. "Hi again, Tsugimoto. You look lovely, as you usually do."

"Hi, Watari-kun. Did you come from practice?"

"Yeah. I took off early. Are you free later?"

"Sure. Why?"

"There's this great dessert shop I wanted to pass by and—"

"Will you two stop flirting and give me a hand?" shouted an exasperated Tsubaki. "Watari, I swear, delete that video or I am going to clobber you."

"I can edit it," he said. "C'mon, you're my best bud. I wouldn't embarrass you." He hung the video cam by its strap around his neck, took off the sports jacket he was wearing, and draped it around her shoulders.

"No, I said delete it," Tsubaki snapped, slipping into the garment and zipping it up. "I totally know the 'be-kind-so-she'll-give-in trick,' so it won't work on me."

"Honestly," Watari said, "you offer to help someone and they accuse you of having ulterior motives. It's enough to make you lose faith in people." He held up the video cam.

"Like that '10 Cute Girls' list in your little notebook?" Tsubaki said sardonically.

It was Watari's turn to screech. "What? How'd you know about that?"

"Heh. Remember when we went to the lacquerware museum? It fell out of your bag and I didn't know what it was. I snuck a look before dropping it back in."

"You read it?"

"Yeah." Tsubaki shot him a look. "I never knew you had such . . . varied . . . taste in girls."

Anri laughed.

"That was meant for my eyes only, thank you!" fumed Watari. "I guess I was right to hang on to this." With a flourish he produced a memory card and waved it insouciantly in front of Tsubaki's eyes. "I got the entire video here."

"Wait, what?"

Watari grinned. "You've only deleted the camera's onboard memory. Kousei'll will see what an exhibitionist Miss Sawabe is. "

"Ooh, gimmie that!" Tsubaki tried to grab the memory card, but Watari adroitly pulled his hand back out of reach. They engaged in a free-for-all, with Tsubaki doing all she could to snatch the card, and Watari dodging her swipes and lunges.

"Careful with the camera!"

"Jerk!"

"Gorilla!"

"Pervert!"

"Peanut brain!"

"Uh, are they always like this?" Sawamura asked Tsugimoto as they watched from the sidelines.

Anri nodded. "Half of the time they're like this. The other half they spend making up. It's like they're boyfriend and girlfriend." She smiled. "It's so cute."

The two stopped their martial arts-like scuffle long enough to shout "We're not!"

Tsubaki won by diverting Watari's attention with a shout of "Hey, Keiko!" while looking over his shoulder.

Watari gave her a sardonic smile. "You don't actually think I'll fall for that, do you?"

"No. But this is going to work!" That being said, Tsubaki smashed her heel down on Watari's foot. As Watari howled and transferred his weight off his injured member, Tsubaki let go with a magnificent leg sweep that knocked him down.

She took the card from the prone boy and stood over him in triumph. "You won't be needing this anymore." To everyone's shock she actually broke the card in two.

"Ow. That really hurt, Tsubaki," groaned Watari, clutching his leg. "I was going to give it back to you anyway."

"You still need to learn that a woman will go to any length to protect her dignity," Tsubaki said, brushing her hair away from her face. She helped him up, but he grimaced when he tried to put weight on his damaged foot.

"You okay? I only made you fall," Tsubaki said.

Watari tried twice more. "Nah, it's a no-go. Hurts too much."

"There are seats inside the lobby," volunteered Anri, with a mild look of skepticism. "Maybe we could go there."

Watari nodded and hobbled into the lobby with Sawamura's help. Anri went to fetch one of the medics in the area.

Tsubaki sat down beside her childhood friend. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"That's okay. It was my fault, anyway, teasing you like that. Anyway, the memory card you broke was blank." He watched the disbelief dawn on Tsubaki's face and smiled ruefully. "Guess I got what I deserved."

The medic arrived and examined Watari. They brought him to the aid station, gave him some advice, and applied an ice pack to his foot, which had a darkening purple mark. They released him about a half-hour later, during which time Tsubaki , who had also stayed, received a mild admonishment for roughhousing.

By then most of the dancers had gone home, though the venue was crowded and lively with fans and even some celebrities.

Watari poked Tsubaki in the ribs as they took in the scene. "Check it out. Isn't that Risa Taneda, the famous voice actress from High School DDD?" He touched her on the shoulder, mimicking the hero of that Heaven vs Hell story. "Petrifying Attack Dress Brake!"

"I wouldn't know," replied Tsubaki, still feeling a bit stung by the reproof she had received. "I don't watch ecchi anime. But yeah, it looks like her. I watched that tearjerker series where she voiced a pretty violinist who met her true love under the cherry trees." Her brow furrowed. "I think it was called 'Your Euphoric Otter in July.'"

"That's a weird title," Watari remarked.

"I know, I'm probably wrong."

-oOo-

Sawamura had left, and Anri had gone in her parents' minivan to bring the costume and the rest of their paraphernalia back to school. Tsubaki and Watari decided to commute home. She had donned her track pants, changed her shirt, and carried her stuff bag with her. Watari let her keep the jacket. He had gone to the festival with nothing but the camera and a spare battery pack in the belt bag he wore.

"Who are you texting?" Tsubaki asked as their train carried them homeward. She craned her neck, trying to read his cellphone.

"Just my mom," he said. "I told her I'd be coming home later. You mind if I drop by your house?"

"Eh? It's no problem, but what's the occasion?"

"Does there have to be an occasion? I just wanted to hang out for a while."

"The house is a mess," Tsubaki warned.

"That's fine. You never got this uptight about me visiting before."

Tsubaki shook her head. "You know how my parents can be. We aren't children anymore."

"As if I've ever given them cause to worry about me." He looked down at her. "Have I? Because I'm sorry if I ever did."

"No, I don't think so. It's hard to understand the ways of old folks, but I don't think they're concerned about you. I don't think I need to be worried about you. Do I?" She looked sidelong at him.

"Of course not. But I reserve the right."

"You idiot. You really are not my type, so get over yourself."

Watari put his hands on his chest. "Agh! I've been shot down! Send help! Oops, incoming."

In spite of herself, Tsubaki giggled. Watari read his cell and began typing. When he had finished, he said, "Now where were we? Oh, my coming over. You won't have to worry about a thing. I'll be the very soul of decency, all prim and proper, I swear."

-oOo-

"That's funny, all the lights are on," Tsubaki said as they got home. Conversation had lapsed into silence on the way, as Watari was very busy texting. Probably his latest girl, she thought. She rang the doorbell, and her mom was the one who opened the door and let them in. Tsubaki spent a little time explaining the situation to her.

"Tsu-chan, remember what I said earlier, that I'd be a gentleman tonight?"

She nodded. "Why?"

The front doors of her house slid open, and they stepped inside. They removed their shoes and stepped into the genkan.

"If I weren't, your hubby'd probably kill me," Watari explained as they went to the adjoining room on the left side of the house, the one with the sliding doors that faced the 2-story building—now dark and silent—where her melancholic pianist lived.

"What on earth are you—" Tsubaki's voice cut off as Watari slid the door open. Inside the room, standing in front of a table laden with redolent food, was someone totally unexpected.

Kousei Arima, wearing his Okutsu vest and trousers, smiled sheepishly at her.

"H-hi, Tsubaki. Um, surprise."

Tsubaki stood motionless for a second or two, taking in the sight with eyes as round as saucers, fingers involuntarily covering the O of her lips. She looked around. Everyone was smiling at her; evidently she'd been the victim of a conspiracy, and the perpetrators were in the house along with her. Silently thanking their kindness, she walked towards Kousei and took his hands in her own.

"Welcome back!" said Tsubaki. "That was . . . this was quite unexpected." Oh, really great, Tsubaki, she castigated herself. You are such a conversationalist.

"It was worth it, just to see the look on your face," Kousei said, looking at her affectionately and smiling in a way that sent Tsubaki's heart skittering. She wished she could answer fully, but knew he would not accept it, so she settled for a chaste kiss on his cheek. He smelled of trees and distant mountains and the wind off a moonlit lake.

Ryouta Watari filmed them for a few more moments, then switched his videocam off. This was one video he had no intention of letting Tsubaki destroy. She certainly doesn't look like she's dealing with a troublesome little brother anymore, he thought, turning his attention to the mouth-watering dishes on the table.