This story is a one-shot explaining one of the million and one scenarios of what could have happened after the Cullen's left Bella in New Moon.
This story contains angst and character death.
The song belongs to Steve Earl, the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, but the twist in her plot is all mine!
Lonelier Than This
Chapter 1~ A Debt to Pay
It doesn't get any lonelier than this It doesn't get any lonelier than this It doesn't get any lonelier than this It doesn't get any lonelier than this
I believe my heart'll break
Tonight I prayed I'd die before I wake
With every breath I'm tastin' your kiss
And it's sweet upon my tongue
Until the tears fall one by one
'cause I'm on this road alone
My hearbeat ringin' like a hollow drum
I'm about as lonesome as a poor boy gets
And there's nothin' I can do
'cause it's dark out here and I can't find you
It doesn't get any lonelier than this
I'm as blue as blue can be
Just an empty place where your love should be
I'm sick and tired of walkin' round like this
With my heart outside my skin
Scared to death we'll never touch again
And there's no place I can go
Just the dusty corners that the shadows know
Maybe this is as good as it's gonna get
And I'll always be this way
I'll just wander this world callin' out your name
It doesn't get any lonelier than this
~Steve Earl
He traveled through the familiar forests, weaving around and dodging trees; some standing longer than he had walked the earth. Fifty years could have passed since the last time he was here, but to him, it would be like yesterday. His vampiric memory stored all the details in perfect recall. But it wasn't fifty years. It was actually only four months and six days since he had been here last. One hundred and twenty-eight days since his lack of control had shattered his 'family'.
Family. Before Alice, the concept of family was as foreign as living off of anything but human blood. Alice. He felt a soothing balm sweep over his whole body at the mere thought of his mate. He still did not understand how she could be so understanding about all of this. How she followed him when he left after Bella's birthday, how his actions caused her to never see her brother alive again, how all that brought him back to Forks to do the unspeakable. She had seen several visions of possible outcomes, and as much as she wanted to come with him, she knew he had to do this alone. She had already suffered so much. They both agreed that it was better for her to stay with the family.
Edward's death hit her with a vision so powerful that (at the time) he was afraid she may never come out of herself and back to him. It was just three days after leaving Forks—a day after he had left the family. He explained to Alice on a phone call that he needed to try and sort out his feelings. Alice had seen him in the mountains north of here, but the location was lost to the forest around him. Like lightening, Victoria and an unknown newborn had descended upon him. He should have heard them. He should have sensed their presence, but he was most likely so enveloped in his emotions that he never stood a chance. 'Torn apart and burned', were the only words Alice would say in regards to his demise. God only knows what horrors her vision forced her to see; sights that could never be unseen or forgotten. It took weeks to get her to hunt and respond in more than just head gestures.
Jasper would have made this trip sooner, but it was only recently that Alice seemed to come back to herself fully. She had refused to try and look for Bella. She had promised Edward, and even after his death, she would not break that promise. And Jasper wouldn't push her. This was his debt to pay. He was the one who tried to attack her. He needed to make sure that she was okay and if she was not, he needed to do whatever he could to make things right.
He continued to run through the woods leading into the small town that had been their home for just three short years. He stayed far away from the Quileute boarder and off the roadways; out of sight of any late moving humans. It was after three in the morning, but there was always that stray human who worked a different shift or was on their home from a late night out.
The forest slept around him as he approached the clearing that butted up against the back of her home. Normally sleeping humans were easy for Jasper to be around. Their emotions were always awake, but without consciousness, they resonate at a lower level of intensity. That was not the case in the Swan house.
Agony. Helplessness. Loneliness. Despair. Complete and total heartbreak.
The emotions screamed from the structure like they were plugged into an amplifier. The intensity of the combination caused Jasper to stumble back. It actually hurt him to be closer. He listened for any signs that someone was awake inside. Two heartbeats slow and steady, were all he heard. There was no movement, so they were both most definitely asleep.
She must know, he thought as he tried to get a hold on the dark blend of emotions pouring into him. He could have easily pushed them back out into the world around him. It would have only caused a few extra nightmares at most. But he refused to release the toxic cocktail. He let the emotional sludge fill him up. He deserved to feel what she did. If anyone deserved it, it was him. Then the thought hit him, if this was how she felt in her sleep, what did she feel when she was awake?
He stood in the shadows of the trees till the dawn began to break. He heard the alarm go off across the house and Charlie's grumbles as he turned it off. As he went about his morning, Jasper focused in on the window he knew was Bella's. All night the toxic cocktail never let up.
There was a knock on a door before the hinges creaked.
"Bells? Bella?" Charlie's gruff voice called out softly.
Her heartbeat picked up for a moment and the cocktail was replaced with hope. It was beautiful in its lightness. But it only lasted a split second before the dark blend returned at ten times the force he had felt seconds earlier. It didn't surprise him. Jasper had expected it to be worse, but that didn't make it any more pleasant to absorb.
"I'm going to the station for a bit. I'll be back after lunch."
"Okay dad."
WHAT? That's not Bella! There is no way that was her voice! Jasper remembered her voice perfectly. It was sweet and soft. This sounded like it belonged to a seventy year old chain smoker. It was gruff, gravely even. It sounded as if it was painful for the speaker to form the words.
He quickly scaled a nearby pine tree to see directly into the window. He couldn't believe his eyes. Charlie was there, looking very much like he had four months ago except his eyes looked so much older. It is the same look a soldier gets from seeing terrible things in combat. He looked war weary. His whole stance was cloaked in defeat. He didn't say anything else, he just turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Jasper could not see Bella from this angle. He could still hear her heart and feel the dreadful emotions coming from her room, so he knew she was still there. Charlie fussed about in the kitchen for a while before heading out to the cruiser and driving off towards town.
Jasper lithely jumped from the pine, dashing across the backyard and then scaling a tree near Bella's window. He was grateful for his perfect balance because what he saw nearly knocked him off the branch he was perched on. Bella was curled in a ball on her side; her arms wrapped tightly around her midsection. She was half the size she was four months earlier. Her hair was thin and dull, her skin pasty and translucent. Was she sick? How could she still be alive and look so, so, so dead? He thought.
I should wait. I should knock on the door and announce myself like any other unexpected visitor. But he couldn't. He carefully opened the window and slid into her room. Bella looked up at him with haunted eyes. If she were a vampire, he would have insisted she hunt immediately.
"Hey Jasper." She said with the dead, chain-smoker voice.
She was relieved to see him—to see any of them, but she was incapable of showing it.
"Hello Bella."
She sat up in bed slowly, wiping at the phantom tears that no longer fell. Her body refused to give her the release that they might offer. She was dressed in a grey sweat suit which was small in size but hung off of her emaciated form.
"Please pardon my intrusion. I felt it was my duty to see that you were alright. Excuse my directness, but are you ill Bella?"
She looked at him in confusion, and then remembered that he hadn't seen her in several months.
"Sick, no. I'm not sick." She rasped.
"Then what happened Bella? How are you like this?"
Bella looked at him like he had six heads and as if she could open her heart and show him, her agony hit him with a whole new wave of concentration.
"Edward." He grunted from the pressure.
The mention of his name seemed to tame the beast of emotions for a moment.
"Is…" she swallowed hard trying to force his name out. "Is Edward coming back?" there was a ghost of hopefulness in her voice.
Jasper took a deep breath to steady himself against the onslaught of emotions he expected next, ignoring the burn the smell of her blood caused him.
"No, he is not."
Bella's lip quivered and Jasper anticipated tears to follow, but she once more looked more vampire than human when her eyes appeared glassy, but no tears fell.
"He's dead isn't he." She said it with a sense of finality, as if she already knew.
Jasper nodded once as he sat at the end of her bed. "I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but after he left you, he was so desolate in his pain and sorrow that he decided to part ways with the family for a while. He was attacked and killed by Victoria and a newborn she created."
He waited for the new wave of pain, but everything remained the same. The toxic cocktail continued to flow from her, but it did not fluctuate. They sat together in silence.
"It was three days after."
"What?" he asked surprised to hear her.
"Edward died three days after he left, didn't he?"
"Yes, that is correct. But how could you know that?" Jasper asked befuddled.
"That was the day my heart broke." She said as if it was common knowledge.
"Bella?" he wanted to ask her something, but didn't know what.
Bella gazed out the window as the rain began to fall. The rain can be my tears. It could rain forever and it wouldn't be enough, she thought as she began to explain.
"When Edward left me in the woods, the pain was bad—really bad. But it was nothing compared to the excruciating agony that struck me three days later." She wrapped her arms around herself again, turning to look at Jasper. "It felt as if someone had crushed my chest. It ached as if my heart had been yanked right out of me. The pain has not stopped since then."
Jasper wanted to send her comfort, but he couldn't manage with the black emotional mire still coming at him.
"Food has no taste. Colors, sounds, nothing touches me anymore. I sleep only when my body can no longer function without it. I haven't cried since that third day. I literally cried till Charlie had the doctor sedate me. When I woke the next day I was unable to cry or feel any emotion other than this."
She looked at him now, really taking him in.
"This will never get better will it?" she asked though she already knew.
"Bella I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. If I had…"
Bella stopped him, "Jasper I don't blame you. I never did."
Silence fell between them once more. The rain continued to pelt the window pane.
"I feel him gone. Ya know? I literally feel his lack of presence in the world."
Jasper nodded but didn't interrupt.
"It was as if he was the center of me and now…I'm empty." She asked him again, "This will never get better will it? I'm never going to feel whole again." There was no hope in her voice. It was like a cancer patient looking for the doctor to confirm that there was nothing more that could be done.
Jasper hardened himself, "No Bella. It will not get better. The pain you feel, the loneliness, the emptiness—I have felt it from others before. It is the pain of one who has lost their soul mate. As much as I would like to tell you it will go away or get better, it will not."
Bella listened to the confirmation of the diagnosis before asking Jasper, "But if we were soul mates, why did Edward leave?"
"Edward did not believe me when I told him. He didn't believe he had a soul, so the idea of a soul mate did not have a place in his belief system. I think that he would not allow himself to believe, so that he could leave you in order to keep you safe."
Jasper felt a slight influx of anguish from her before she seemed to level back out. Her voice was not as raspy now, but still sounded lifeless.
"Did you come here just to tell me this?"
Jasper shook his head. "No. I came because it is my fault this all began. I am as responsible for the death of your mate as Victoria is. I am here to offer myself to you. If you require a life for a life, then I will willingly end my own."
Bella could see the sincerity in his face. She knew Jasper was never one to mix words or be overly dramatic.
She declined. "No, like I said, I never blamed you and besides," she took a deep labored breath as if talking this much was exhausting to her. "I would never wish this on anyone, much less Alice."
As if she was making her point, Jasper felt another wave of her toxic cocktail hit him. How did she live with this pain every day? A lesser human would have succumbed and most likely ended their own life.
Once he leveled out his own emotions he spoke again. "Very well. But just so you know, for my part in this, I also carry your pain as my own and will do so as long as I walk this earth." He paused before he gave Bella her next option. "Since you have chosen not to end my life, may I offer you my assistance?"
Bella looked to him in confusion.
"If you would still like to become a member of our family or even a vampire at all, I will change you."
Shock and disbelief blended into the toxic blend.
"You would make me a vampire?"
"If that is what you want. I have changed many in my time. I assure you that I could do so without draining you completely"
She sat for a moment longer. "Do vampires heal from losing a soul mate?"
"No. Granted, there is the chance that you may lose all human memories through your transformation, you will not lose the pain. It may change, but it will always be there."
"So, I would carry this hurt, in some form, forever?"
"Yes."
She shook her head. "I only wanted to be a vampire because that is what Edward was. I don't want to live an eternity without him…like this."
Jasper gave her the next option. "Would you like to live somewhere else? Go somewhere? Anywhere? I have the financial means to support you the rest of your life anywhere you want to be."
"But no matter where I go, I will always feel the absence of him, won't I?"
He nodded, "You will."
Bella signed heavily. The weight of this loss had taken an immense toll on her these past months.
"Then I think…I think I would rather not be anywhere at all. Can you do that for me?"
Her intentions were clear. Jasper understood exactly what she was asking of him. "Yes. I can do that for you if that is truly what you want."
She nodded.
"Would you like to think on it for a time?"
"No." The finality of her decision was crystal clear. "I have been dead since the day Edward left this earth. My body just didn't get the message."
"Do you want to do it here?" he inquired calmly.
She shook her head. It was nearly the only movement that she made. "No. I want to 'disappear' for Charlie's sake. Tomorrow after he leaves for work. I will pack a bag and drive my truck to the trail head just off of Highway 110. If you could make it disappear, I would really appreciate it."
Jasper nodded in agreement.
"I'll leave Charlie a note telling him that I have decided to travel for a while starting in Arizona. Do you think you could send him postcards from different places for a while? Then just let them dwindle in numbers till they stop?"
He nodded once more.
"Do you have a place where you would like me to do this?"
"It doesn't really matter. Just make it so my body is never found. I do not want Charlie spending his life looking for me or trying to avenge my death."
Jasper respected the efforts she was taking to try and offer her father some solace.
"Is there anything else I can do for you, Bella?" he asked as he stood up.
"No. Thank you Jasper. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow then."
Though he left the house, he did not go far. He returned to his look-out in the woods where he had spent the night before. He listened to everything that Bella did that day. He stayed completely focused on her and her emotions. If for one second she showed doubt or fear, he would do his best to convince her to rethink this. But even when she said her goodnight to Charlie, the painful mix of emotions never wavered or changed.
Bella did not sleep that night, though it was no different than most nights. She lay in the dark with her memories and her unrelenting pain.
She heard Charlie leave the following morning. She didn't say goodbye. The daughter he knew was long since gone. She threw her duffle on the seat next to her and drove away from the house without ever looking back. That was no longer her home. Her home was with Edward. She had held a small glimmer of hope that where she was going, he would be there as well.
The sky had run out of tears, just like Bella. And just like her, it looked grey and lifeless.
Jasper was waiting for her at the trail head. He opened the door for her as Edward had done so many times before. The hole in the center of her ached at the memory.
She stepped forward to stand in front of Jasper. He didn't ask her if she was ready, because he already knew that she was. He scooped her up and without delay, ran her to the meadow that Edward had told him about once. He knew the way from the faint scent left behind from the last time Edward had been there. Even though they had never been close, he still mourned the loss of his adoptive brother. He hoped that wherever Edward was, he would forgive him for what he was about to do.
When he stopped running a few minutes later, Bella looked around her. Even though the vegetation was dead and brown compared to the bright colors she remembered, she knew exactly where she was.
"This was Edward's meadow." Jasper confirmed.
"I know. He brought me here. Once."
Jasper set her on her feet as she turned to take in the familiar space.
"I figured of all the places around Forks, that you might feel closest to him here." He explained.
She turned and looked into his honey eyes. "Thank you Jasper."
He leaned forward and placed a small kiss tenderly on her forehead. "I am truly sorry Bella."
He turned her to face the meadow just as a falcon flew overhead; its cry echoing off the trees. He found it ironic yet prophetic as the bird is known to represent 'the light that shines in the darkness'. He stood directly behind her. The heat of her body radiated into his body. He warred with himself over what he was about to do. Maybe he could convince her to change her mind. He could use his gift. But then that would only last as long as he was near her. He dismissed that thought almost as fast as it appeared.
He was about to beg her to change her mind when he felt her take a deep, stuttering breath. The cloak of anguish and heartbreak lifted for the first time since he came back to Forks, he did not feel the overwhelming pain pouring from Bella. He felt relief.
He closed the gap between them and she relaxed into his marble chest. Her heart beat a steady rhythm; never racing in fear as it should have.
He wrapped his left arm around her shoulders as the fingers of his right hand caressed her neck. The cold of his touch did not faze her.
"Bella, I am so terribly sorry."
He nearly flinched away in shock as her gratitude flooded him.
"Please don't be sorry Jasper. You are just releasing me from the prison I have been in for what feels like forever."
She reached up and squeezed his arm feebly. Then she closed her eyes as Jasper whispered, "May the angles carry you home."
Jasper stopped breathing as his fingers twitched, snapping Bella's neck. Her emotions were an empty void. Her heart beat sporadically for a few more seconds as her lungs released her last breath.
Bella's feather light body went limp in Jasper's iron clad hold. For the first time in over one hundred and fifty years he cursed his inability to cry. He scooped her lifeless form up and cradled her to his chest like a small child. The clouds parted for the first time in days and the sun shown down on him as he held her in his arms. He looked up to the heavens and wailed in pain. Rocking her slowly back and forth he turned his eyes back to Bella. She lay peacefully in his arms. This is what she wanted. He did this for her. Placing a kiss on her forehead, he carefully laid her down on the cold ground. His job was not complete.
He looked about the meadow and found what he was searching for. He left Bella's body to quickly dig a deep hole in the ground at the edge of the natural circle. He went back and with all the care in the world, lifted her in his arms; her body temperature already cooling.
He laid her delicately in the ground and whispered, "Goodbye Bella. May you find the peace and contentment that evaded you in this life in your next."
With that, he covered her in earth and knocked down a large Sitka tree to lay upon her grave. The likelihood of anyone coming across this place was slim, but he wanted to make sure that her grave was never disturbed.
He left the meadow to take care of his final task. He drove the truck to an abandoned mine. He tore apart any distinguishing pieces such as the license plates and VIN number and then set everything on fire. When the fire had done all it could, he crushed what was left so that no one would ever guess it was at one time a truck or any other vehicle for that matter.
It was done. His debt was paid, but the interest would weigh on his soul for the rest of his existence. And even though he still had Alice waiting for him back in Boston, he would carry Bella's pain as his own from now till the end of time.
She blinked her eyes open. Her body no longer ached. She felt calm, at peace and whole. She looked on from the edge of the meadow as Jasper tended to her burial. He was a good man. She really hoped that he did not carry the burden of her pain like he said he would. He deserved to be happy with Alice.
There was a sudden frisson in the air around her. His arms wrapped around her waist as his lips pressed to the crown of her head. A smile spread across her lips. It felt good to smile.
"Edward." She sighed.
She laid her arms over his which were, for the very first time, the same temperature.
"Come. It is time to go my love."
She nodded. She turned to see his beautiful green eyes staring back at her. He kissed her once, chastely on the lips.
"Take me home Edward."
And with that, he laced his fingers with hers and they walked together into the light.
A/N
I know, this was darker than I normally write. Sometimes you have to write the dark so that you can make room for the light. Did I at least do it justice? Drop me a review and let me know.
The last chapter of 'A Voice in the Darkness' is nearly ready for beta approval. If you are not already, come chat with me on my author page on Facebook at Nickeyd26. I love hearing your opinions as I make my way through reworking 'Use Somebody' for publishing.
All my best,
Nickey