Title: Through Hell And Back Again

Author: nerwende

Summary: Sometimes help comes from the last person you'd call for it. Angsty!Dean ONESHOT

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never did, never will. Such a shame...

Through Hell And Back Again

Sam woke up to a world of pain without even knowing how and when he'd left it. His tormentor stood there, laughing manically at him as he sharpened his knife. Sam tried to wiggle free, but the restrains holding him down weren't about to give. He looked up at the other… thing. Cause there was no way it was a human. If only he could see the face of the tormentor… but then again, what good would it do?

Sam swallowed painfully, trying not to look down at himself. It was bad enough that he was covered in blood, he didn't need to see the damages. His breathing choked up in his throat when all sound around him died, which could only mean one thing: the demon was done with his knife and would start again.

Besides his best efforts, Sam's whole body started to shake as the tormentor came up to him. He screwed his eyes shut, but could not hold back the scream when it came. But as he opened his eyes and saw the demon, he just wished he could die here and now.

"P-please…" he gasped, "No… more…"

The demon's smile grew wider as he drove the knife further down. Sam screamed again as hot tears ran down his cheeks. "Please…" he tried again, "God! Stop! Dean, no more, please!"

The demon – Dean – just laughed and leaned in. "Sam…" he called, "Sam…"

"Sam!" Dean yelled, trying desperately to get his brother to wake up. His thoughts had been ripped apart from his research by Sam's yells and pleas, and they just freaked him out. He'd heard Sam call out his name in his sleep, but it had never sounded like that. As if… No. He shook his head and grabbed his brother's shoulders. "Sam! Wake up, now!"

And Sam did. Still feeling trapped from his nightmare, he shoved Dean away, which ended with Dean falling to the floor. And the eldest would probably have cracked a joke if Sam wasn't looking at him with fear. "Hey," Dean said as he got up, "It's okay, it's just me. You had a nightmare, man." He added, reaching out to put a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Sam yelled, batting Dean's hand away. He straightened up as best as he could, trying to control the shivers of his body.

Dean, on the other hand, looked as if Sam had punched him in the face. His eyes welled up as he looked around the room, as if trying to find something to do or say. Finding nothing, he looked back at his brother, hurt written in capitals all over his face.

"So you're scared of me, now?" he whispered. Then, without waiting for an answer, he turned around and stormed out.

Sam was left sitting there, dumbfounded. "Dean!" he yelled, throwing off his covers and running to the door. "Dean! Come back!"

He hadn't meant to react like he did. After all it was a nightmare. And he trusted his brother with his life, for God's sake! He wasn't scared of him! Chewing on his bottom lip, he went to take his cell phone.

"Sam, what are you doing?" he mumbled to himself. "Of course he won't pick up!"

He tossed his phone on his bed and ran a hand through his hair. It took him a moment to notice the rain pouring outside. And the fact that the car keys were on the table.

Dean ran until his lungs screamed in protest, and walked some more until his knees threatened to let go. By that time he'd arrived in the woods. He sat down on a fallen tree and buried his face in his hands. He was soaking wet, which was good. If his entire body was wet, who would notice the tears?

"Trying to get pneumonia?" a female voice came, but Dean didn't need to look up to see who it was. He'd recognize this voice everywhere.

"Go 'way." He grumbled between clenched teeth.

"Sorry," Ruby said as she sat down next to him, "Not gonna happen."

Dean looked up at her. She was smiling at him, which didn't help at all. "Don't you have someone else to annoy?" he asked as she playfully rubbed at his moisten hair.

"Nope." She just said, then smiled again. "I mean yeah, but none of them needs me right now."

"Oh, because I do?"

Ruby's face suddenly because serious. "Yes, you do. Now more than ever." Then, as if someone had flipped a switch, she suddenly was acting casual and shrugged. "At least that's what Castiel said."

Dean frowned. "Castiel?"

"Yep." The young woman replied. "He came and asked me to talk to you."

Dean stared at her for a second, unable to tell whether she was serious or not. "Castiel?"

"Yep."

"He came and asked you to talk to me?"

"Yep."

The hunter gave a dry chuckle. "Are you kidding me?"

"That's what I asked him." Ruby grinned. Then she straightened up and put on deadly serious face. "I don't 'kid'" she said, mimicking Castiel's soft tone, "And do believe me when I say that I wouldn't ask you that if it wasn't important."

Her impression actually made Dean laugh. "Yeah, that sounds like him." He agreed. Then he sobered up. "What else did he tell you?"

"Nothing." The young woman shrugged. "Tried to ask him questions, but he vanished in that beautiful white halo of his."

Dean nodded then looked away. Ruby's playful mood wasn't enough to make him forget the frightened look in his brother's eyes. And he'd rather go back to Hell than let her see him cry.

"Sam." He said after clearing his throat. "He had a nightmare tonight."

Ruby frowned. "That… happens a lot." She said tentatively, trying to understand what Dean meant.

Dean smirked. "He cried out my name." he added, which only made the young woman's frown deepen.

"Which happens almost every time he has a nightmare. What's your point?"

"When he cried out my name…" Dean trailed off, his brother's scream carved in his mind. "He wasn't calling out for help or trying to get to me, like he usually does. This time…" he looked her in the eyes, pain and shame so obvious that she had to force herself not to look away. "I was the one he was afraid of. When I got him to wake up, he shoved me away, told me not to touch him." Dean's voice faded away as he tried to hold it together. But Ruby put her hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, and it was enough for the tears to come again.

Ruby just sat there, her hand tracing light circles on Dean's back as the hunter sobbed quietly. Comforting, soothing and caring weren't anywhere in the neighborhood of her area of expertise, but she did the best she could.

"Twelve." She suddenly said, breaking the silence. Dean sniffed and looked up at her, puzzled.

"What?"

She gave him a sad smile. "I held on for twelve years before starting to torture others. Your friend Bela? Five years. Your Daddy? Twenty years." She said.

Dean blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," she sighed sadly, "That most people would do anything to get off the rack. The pain… it's so unbearable that making it stop is the only thing you can think of. I don't know if you realize that no one had ever lasted as long as you did. Not ever."

Dean stared at her, processing what she'd just told him. "Still," he said, "When I got off the rack… And started to torture… I liked it. I swear, I liked it. What kind of person likes to inflict so much pain to others?"

"The person they want you to become." Ruby simply said. "They make you live in a world of pain. And when you're free, you just don't care about the cost. That's why you liked it, that's why I liked it, and that's why your father liked it."

And suddenly, her face darkened, and Dean thought that she looked like a small, lost girl. "What is it?" he asked.

"I'm sorry." Ruby whispered.

It was Dean's turn to frown. "About what?"

Brown met green, and Dean was surprised when he saw the tears in Ruby's eyes. "I know you remember what happened in Hell." She said. "What I did to you."

Dean's whole body tensed as the memories of Ruby's abuse on his already carved up body flashed before his eyes. He swallowed hard and nodded, not trusting his voice enough to even tell her to go on.

And she did. "Lilith, she said that the only way I could prove that I was sorry was to torture you. 'Nice and slow'. I wanted to come back to keep an eye on Sam, so I did what she told me. But you've got to know… that I didn't enjoy it, any of it. And I'm sorry I had to do it."

Dean swallowed again and gave her half a smile. "It's okay." He just said. "At least you had a good reason. Me… I have no excuse."

Ruby got up and went to kneel in front of Dean. "You're not a monster, Dean. You're even better than most people."

Dean just stared at her for a moment then smirked. "Very dramatic." He said. Ruby frowned then punched his arm.

"Bite me." She said, but couldn't help but smile.

"Oh no, that's Sam job." Dean answered, then laughed when Ruby's cheeks turned red. "Wow, first time I see a demon blush.

Ruby muttered something under her breath, then got up and rubbed at her knees to wipe the dirt off. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"A little. Thanks."

"You'll thank Castiel, I wouldn't have come." She said casually. She looked up to the grey sky and shivered. "So we talked, laughed, cried, and now we're both soaking wet. Can we go before freezing to death as well?"

Dean smiled. "Sounds good."

"I don't know, Bobby." Sam said into his phone, "He took off without his car, he could be anywhere for all I…" he trailed off when he saw Dean come back into the room, followed by Ruby. He sighed with relief. "He's here. Yeah, okay." He covered the phone with his free hand. "Bobby says you're a goddamn idiot."

"Love you too, Bobby!" Dean said loud enough so that Bobby could hear him.

Smiling, Sam put the phone back to his ear. "Heard that? Yeah. Course I will. Yeah, see ya." Once the conversation was over, he turned to look at his brother. "Dean, look… I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to…"

Dean raised a hand to silence Sam. "Forget about it, Bitch."

Sam grinned. "Jerk."

The End