Prologue - Loss
"The five stages we go through when we lose someone — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling."
Haley's POV:
We won! We actually won the State Championship! I don't know what got into Nathan on the first half of the game, cause he sure wasn't even trying. Important thing is he redeemed himself completely by the end, and, along with Lucas and Skills, he owned the game. My smile can't possibly – and I wouldn't want to – hide how proud I am of him. I could scream for the whole world. Nathan Scott, my husband, the love of my life. And he's gonna be the best father our son could ever want. I know it. All I have to do is look into his amazing blue eyes to be sure. We're gonna be okay, and there's no reason to be afraid, cause he's by my side.
We're at Karen's café, celebrating. I'm talking to Lucas, Nathan doesn't seem as happy as he should be. I'm pretty sure Lucas knows something he's not telling me. But whatever it is, doesn't matter now. Not tonight, not at this moment. As much as I'd like to stay, though, our baby's making me tired already. So I talk to Nathan and we walk to the car, his arm wrapped protectively around me.
"So the doctor said everything's okay? With you and the baby?"
"Yeah, we're fine. Everything's gonna be fine", I assure him. It was probably a good thing that he didn't see me in pain, going to the hospital. He'd worry too much, and probably wouldn't even believe the doctor if he said everything's okay. He'd make them do all the tests again, just to make sure the baby and I are fine. Cause that's who he is, that's how much he worries, and that's part of why I love him so much. We cross the street holding hands, I do a little spin as we smile, enjoying each other's company. But then he turns more serious.
"Hales, I have to tell you something. About why I was playing poorly tonight"
I raise my eyebrows, wondering why this could possibly matter now. But, before any of us can say another word, I see the car coming in our direction. I'm not really sure of what happens next. I remember warning Nathan, but before I can push him out of the way, he does it. He pushes me to the side and I fall, the car passing inches from me. I don't see the car hitting Nathan, but I hear it. And mist of all, I see his bruised body hitting the floor, hard, as the car that hit him keeps going, out of control, to finally crash, too.
"Nathan!" I cry his name as I approach him, seeing a line of blood dripping from his mouth. And he's not moving. I'm afraid to move him and make things worse, and even I knew what to do, I find myself unable to do anything. "Help!" As I cry for help, the memories of our wedding day, and that accident, at all comes rushing back to my mind. This can't be happening, not again.
I see someone coming out of the café, in my direction. It's Lucas. At first he looks lost, too, not knowing what to do. Then he grabs his cell and calls 911. After giving them the information, he comes to me and I throw myself in his arms. My best friend. The one person who could possibly help me make sense out of everything that just happened. I sob as he hugs me, stroking my hair, in an attempt to calm me down.
"I tried to get him out of the way, but the car came so fast, and I…"
"Shh… Hales, it's okay. Help is on the way"
"There's too much blood, Lucas, there shouldn't be this much blood"
"I checked his vitals and he's breathing. There's nothing else we can do, anything else would be too risky."
He's still hugging me, and he doesn't let go. He knows I'll fall apart if he does. It seems like hours till we hear the ambulance coming. The paramedics soon surround Nathan and I can't see him anymore. I look the other way, to the car the hit him, and see them covering the driver's body. He's dead. That image is almost too much for me to take.
"Miss, we gotta take him to the hospital right now, can you come with us, answer a few questions?" Suddenly I notice someone's talking to me. I nod, following the guy into the ambulance Nathan's in. Lucas comes right after me, he knows I can't do this alone.
"I'm sorry, but only one person's allowed with the victim inside the ambulance", another paramedic stops Lucas before he can get in.
I look at him, scared. He squeezes my hand softly, but reassuringly.
"It's gonna be okay, I'll take the car and follow you to the hospital, ok?"
"Ok", it's all I can say before they close the ambulance, and the long drive starts.
I look at Nathan, immobilized, unconscious, hurt. I take his hand, and hold it, never letting go until we stop. They take him so quickly I can barely ask where they're taking him. Then the door closes, and that long wait starts again. They start to ask me questions. I'm trying to answer them all, as fast as possible, but I don't think I can take it any longer. That's when Lucas and Karen walk in.
"Oh, thank god you're here", I run to them, Lucas holds me once again. He takes me to the couch and gets me some water, while Karen takes charge and deals with the questions the police keep asking. I love it when she takes charge. I need her to take charge. I hear her telling them I need some time before talking to them again, they seem to agree.
"Did they say anything about Nathan?" I hear Lucas asking me.
I shake my head. "They just took him inside, said he needed surgery and asked me if I consented to it. I did, and they left with him", I try to stop more tears coming, cause if they do, I'll lose control again.
"I talked to them, they still need to talk to you, but not for now", Karen comes and sits by my side, taking my hand in hers, "Honey, I know it's hard, but we're here with you, and you need to keep calm, ok? Too much stress isn't good for the baby"
I know she's right, but how am I supposed to keep calm in a situation like this? I know I have to try, though. Specially today, of all days, that I've already been to a hospital, already wasn't feeling well. I take a deep breath and for what seems like forever I just stop. I stop thinking, I just try to shut it all out. It's the only way I can keep doing this, the only way I can stay here and wait for this long for news. I hear steps in our direction and lift my head up to see Brooke and Peyton there. They hug me and then Peyton goes to Lucas, giving him a quick peck on the lips. I see Brooke, trying to act as if she's ok with it, and feel bad for her. And then I wonder how on Earth I can be worrying about who's dating who, when Nathan's in surgery and we have no idea how things are going there. As if she read my mind, Karen gets up and goes somewhere, see if she gets any information. Then my attention goes back to Brooke. She likes to act strong, always, for other's sake, and for her own. I know she's doing that now. About Nathan, about Peyton and Lucas. To anyone who watches it, it's almost as if she knows there's nothing to worry about, but inside she's breaking. Just like me. Just like all of us. She's standing in front of me, and gives me a small smile when I look at her. So I reach for her hand and pull her so that she sits next to me, where Karen was. And I sigh, resting my head on her shoulder. She doesn't say a word, just keeps holding my hand, keeps strong, for all of us. Then I get a glimpse of Peyton. With her, it's different. She's usually not able to let her guard down, but when it's just us, the people she trusts, she lets herself cry, and feel everything. Something not even I can do at this moment. It seems overwhelming. She looks at me, and I can tell she's trying to think of something to say, or do. But, unlike Brooke, she can't be sure things are gonna be ok, and she can't pretend she does.
"They still don't know anything", Karen comes back.
"This can still take a while… anyone wants me to go get some water, or juice?" Peyton asks. I can tell she can't just stay there doing nothing. She hates hospitals, and I'm beginning to understand her reasons more and more at each moment.
"I'll go with you", I seem to surprise everyone when I stand up. That's when I realize I hadn't said anything in a really long time.
"Honey, are you sure? We can go get you anything…" Brooke says, worried. Probably worried about the baby, and worrying that I shouldn't walk too much, or that I've already had too much stress today. But she has no idea how just sitting here can be so much worse than walking and getting a little tired. My mind is already tired as hell, anyway.
"Yeah… I just need to do something so that I don't go crazy", I tell her softly, before walking on Peyton's direction. Brooke nods quietly, and Karen sits next to her.
"So? How are you holding up?" Peyton asks as we walk to the vending machines.
I try to think of an answer for that. An honest answer. But I can't come up with anything. I don't think anyone can ever describe this feeling, this fear of losing the person you love the most, unless you've already been through it. And she has, so she doesn't need me to say anything to know exactly what I'm feeling.
"He's gonna be ok, right?" I say it more to myself than to her. Then I feel new tears coming to my eyes, "I mean, he has to. I need him, Peyton, this baby needs him!" I point to my stomach, already letting the tears run freely down my face.
Peyton doesn't say a word this time, just pulls me into a tight hug and lets me cry. "We all love him, and we all love you too. We're all here for the both of you. He's gonna be ok, you have to believe that."
"I'm trying, I really am. But I can't. I have this feeling, and it won't go away. This feeling that something is very wrong"
"Don't do that to yourself", she says, before closing her eyes and letting a single tear fall, too. "Come on, let's go get you something to eat"
I'm not hungry, but I just nod and we walk there. She gets some M&M's – not fair, by the way, she knows how much I love those – and we go back to the waiting room. When we get there, my heart almost stops as I see a doctor talking to Lucas; Brooke and Karen with her heads lowered. Peyton softly squeezes my hand, and we go to them. I feel like I'm about to pass out, and it gets worse when I see the look in the doctor's eyes. I'm already in shock, even before he says the words. Those few words that would change my life forever: "I'm sorry, we tried everything we could… but we lost him."
"People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We don't enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another, and back again to the first one. You'll see what I mean…"
The texts in bold are from the book "On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss", by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler. I found the text on the internet and thought it'd be interesting to have something explaining the stages people go through. And the title is a song by Within Temptation. I tried to make it all as realistic as possible. I hope I managed to do that with their feelings and reactions. Hope you liked it so far!