This is the challenge from Suicidal Coconuts that I am responding to:

Hey Guys! I had this plot idea about a week ago, and I would really like to see it happen. It completely ignores HBP (because, let's face it, J.K. basically killed all of the good fanfiction we had written for sixth year and on). Send in a review if you like it, including the title and everything. I would LOVE to read it if it gets written!

----Here is your Challenge, my fellow bards----

Include the following lines somewhere in your story:
"Too many Chiefs, not enough Indians, I guess... That probably explains a lot about why I'm so damned odd, 'cause I love saying stupid shit like that..."
"... But he's my FATHER!"
"Snape slept with WHO?"
"If that's not fun, I don't know what is..."
"Nice, Granger, now you've done it- Potter'll kill me!"
"And you kissed him? Malfoy, you're an absolute idiot!"
"Potions has never been hotter."
"Damn it all to hell, Hermione, you just HAD to drink the damned Firewhiskey..."
"Harry! Put Professor Snape down, RIGHT NOW!"
"Damn you, Albus, and your fucking twinkling eyes! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!"
"If I ever see Potter again, I will not be responsible for what I do."
"He likes to do WHAT in bed!"

Also, have at least ten of the following:
--The Weasley twins giving Snape a Love Potion while Lucius Malfoy is around. Chaos (and quite a bit of sex) ensues.
--A Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch Team orgy (Yummy!).
--Hermione and Ron having a very dramatic breakup/arguement that they blame Harry for, and he, of course, has no earthly clue what they're on about.
--A random, soon-to-be-more-dead-than-they-already-are vampire setting their sights on Draco, who happens to swing the other way (the vampire can be any gender).
--Someone giving Snape a makeover-- and he looks damn good!
--Someone gives Lucius a haircut against his will.
--Dumbledore knows about all of the crazy chaos, but does nothing but twinkle at everyone who gets mad at him for not doing anything.
--Snape, Harry, or Ron walks in on Dumbledore and McGonagall (Side Note: DO NOT go into too much detail, 'cause that's just wrong. Make it funny for the characters to run away screaming and shaking, possibly hiding in corners with their knees to their chests muttering something dumb).
--Hogwarts goes to a fair, and everyone has to take part. Snape is a clown.
--Hogwarts takes some students (any of your choosing) to the States, where many of them are hit on by hookers and they get caught up in a Mosh Pit at a Green Day, Nickelback, or Linkin Park concert.
--Harry starts singing a catchy Black Eyed Peas song ("My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps..." or something like that) and it travels all around the school until people randomly break into song in the hallways in an effort to get the damn thing out of their heads.
--Hogwarts does a musical play. Who knew Draco could sing?
--Hermione writes a movie script; Hogwarts decides to roll with it and make a Muggle movie. The twist? It's an adult film.
--Hermione is caught in the library by Snape writing smut. He gives her a few randomly placed pointers and tells her she's got a few things totally wrong. When she tells him of her virginity, he will roll his eyes and proceed to explain how everything works-- so explicitly and yummily so (because, with Snape's voice, we'd all LOVE to hear him describe some sort of racy sex act) she attacks him there in the library. On top of books. Most specifically, "Hogwarts, A History".
--Harry and Draco have a quick shag in the library and discover Hermione and Snape. They giggle and joke about how they're not the only unlikely set of "fuck buddies".
--Ron is discovered with the Weasley twins in the Astronomy Tower. Molly refuses to talk with any of them for three months, but Arthur thinks its rather funny.
--Lucius Malfoy enters the Great Hall dramatically and ends up eating at the Slytherin table, where Crabbe, Goyle, and the rest of the students (except for Draco) continually, "accidentally" splatter him with bits of food. Have him attack someone and no one really want to restrain him, for fear of getting attacked/raped/killed themselves.
--Any odd moment that students can walk in on Lucius and Snape in an interesting, and very compromising, position. Have them ask how, exactly, one can bend that way, or how you could POSSIBLY make Lucius Malfoy scream like that.
--Can you say Malfoycest? The slash kind? Yummy, yummy, yummy...

All right, those are your clues/inspirations/whatevers. Enjoy, and PLEASE send me a review or something so that I can read your story! Much love,
--SuicidalCoconuts

Actual story:
Chapter 1- Hermione/Snape

"By Merlin, silly girl, what are you doing here so late at night!"

"Studying, Professor, just studying!"

"Then what is THAT"

"Notes…just notes."

Professor Snape grabbed the paper quickly, before I got a chance to grab it.

"Miss Granger, explain yourself, and…this." Snape said with a smirk.

"Sir, I can't explain myself, I was just writing."

"Writing graphic sexual scenes? And incorrectly, I might add."

"Yes sir, and how are they incorrect?" I was getting a little mad now, because I KNOW how sex works.

"You stupid, stupid girl. You know nothing about sex whatsoever do you?"

I blushed, most embarrassingly. I snatched the paper from Snape, and stomped away, much like a child.

"Stop."

I did, and slowly turned away.

"As you know nothing, and you will get yourself into trouble, it is my job to explain this to you." Snape said with a roll of his eyes.

I carefully sat down, VERY embarrassed and angry at this point, and he began explaining.

"First of all, sexual intercourse involves the man entering the woman in and out over and over again, not just once and that's it. Also a woman can give oral sex, but she doesn't just lick the tip, she takes the penis all the way in her mouth, sometimes deep into her throat…"

And he kept going on and on, and I was getting more and more agitated, and I wanted him INSIDE me, not just talking about it, so finally I jumped on him, kissing him hard. He shouted

"MISS GRANGER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"I want to EXPERIENCE what you were talking about, Professor, not just listen" I said as innocently as possible.

While I said that, I gently massaged his penis, feeling it get hard. With a voice coated in lust he said

"Miss Granger, we are student and teacher, this is not..ohhhoooaaaaaa"

He didn't complete the sentence because of his groans. I smiled, and he flipped me over on the books, Hogwarts A History being my pillow. I bet that this kind of act wasn't in Hogwarts A History…

His hands had trailed down my stomach while he was kissing me, and suddenly, he hit a spot that made me clench, and groan loudly.

"Miss Granger, you are experiencing what I was talking about. What I just hit was you clit, and it causes this."

I bucked my hips violently, marveling at how his voice was completely normal while I couldn't say a coherent word.

He pulled my shirt off slowly, and unhooked my bra.

"These are your breasts, and these are your nipples, and I am making them hard, the result of direct touch."

He said this while massaging my breasts, and still with a completely calm voice. He pulled his shirt off quickly, and his pants. He was wearing no underwear. I gasped because he thrust himself against me, through the cloth of my underwear. My skirt had disappeared. I had NEVER experienced feelings that he enticed in me, truthfully I had never truly french-kissed, other than Ron and Victor, and we never made out for longer than two minutes. Snape peeled my underwear off, and took those long, delicious fingers and stuck them inside of me. I nearly screamed from the pleasure. The pressure was building very quickly, and he hadn't even moved his fingers yet.

He continued to tell me things in a totally calm voice describing everything that was happening.

"What I am doing is masturbating you, and soon you will be fucked until you cannot move. I will thrust this (pointing to his dick) inside of every little hole you have, Miss Granger"

I almost screamed, from the combination of his voice, the sexual tension, and his fingers. When he saw me arch my back, he pulled out, and I moaned at the loss. He wouldn't let me orgasm! He whispered

"I am now putting my penis inside of your vagina, very slowly, while fingering your clit."

I gasped at the pain, and the pleasure of the clit. The pain won the battle, and I cried out, and he completely filled me. He thrust into me again, and again. On the fourth thrust, the pain lessened, and pleasure came back again. I moaned, and he took that as a sign to go faster. And he went faster, and faster, and faster. The pleasure was getting more, and more, and I was gasping for breath, I was going to die, I needed, I wanted, and suddenly everything went white, and I orgasmed. He groaned, and orgasmed himself with a shout. I probably screamed when I orgasmed too. I slid to the floor, off the books, exhausted.

"No, Miss Granger, we are not done yet. I swore to fuck every little hole you had. That leaves two holes…"

End of chapter 1. PLEASE review, that includes you SuicidalCoconuts.