AN: takes place after the trip to CERN: References to my story 'Tunnel Vision', but not essential that you read that before hand.

FALLING DOWN

It couldn't have gone more badly wrong really. The Alien they were chasing had charged into a busy shopping mall. Ianto had been the closet on its heels, paws or whatever it had that passed for feet; and he had sped round the corner outside 'Topshop' to make a grab for it. With lightening speed the creature had swung round, flying at Ianto and throwing him to the floor as lunchtime shoppers scattered in their wake. Somehow it got hold of his arm and yanked his handgun away from his grip. The weapon skidded across the floor only to be picked by a small boy. The creature pummelled Ianto's gut but he managed to shove it off knowing he had to retrieve his gun. Then it leapt away into HMV. As Ianto got to his feet the little boy smiled at him proffering the weapon. It went off and Ianto was slammed back to the floor amid screams and the commotion of running feet. Terrified the boy threw the gun to the floor. It discharged a second shot and Ianto was vaguely aware of a second person lying on the floor a short distance from him, a crimson halo spreading out around her. He heard Martha shouting and felt a weight on his body as he was rolled on to his back. It was Jack looking down at him with abject horror written all over his face.

"HMV, it went into ….that way." Ianto tried to speak. Jack had obviously understood because he took off and disappeared from Ianto's line of sight. Then Owen appeared.

"Ianto, hang on mate. I've got you."

Ianto pushed him away. "Help them Owen….the other ….the boy he didn't mean it."

"Ianto, it's ok."

Owen's face disappeared in a blur of unconsciousness.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ianto sat on the couch behind Tosh's desk a cup of coffee clasped in his hands. He stared blankly at it. He was only vaguely aware of the Hub, the sound of Gwen's and Jack's hushed voices and the feeling of Martha's close proximity to his left side. Ianto was still reeling, his emotions having a wild party in his chest, but his face was as closed off as it usually was. What had happened was a blur. He recalled running so hard he thought his heart would burst in his chest. That freaking Alien had ripped through three people before Ianto had caught up with it. It was vicious, ravenous and incredibly strong. It had reeked of death. There had been a boy. A boy with Ianto's gun in his hand. A helpful smile on his face giving the nice policeman his gun back. The bullet had lodged in his thigh. Ianto hadn't felt the pain at first; just his legs go from under him. The look of horror on the child's face as his mother went down a moment later.

Ianto's leg was hurting like hell now but he didn't want anyone to touch it.

Owen. He'd seen Owen leaning over him with that self assured cocky smile on his weasely face. Owen. Tears flooded and Ianto wiped at them angrily. The others hadn't spoken to him yet. He'd yelled at them as Jack dragged him into Hub. Actually he'd screamed hysterically, completely out of control. It had taken all of Jack's strength to contain him. Then Ianto had collapsed into exhausted sobs clutching at Jack's coat like a drowning man gasping for his last breath of air. His lungs hurt from the effort. The little boy, his own mother dead at his feet, the fatal bullet from Ianto's own gun. He may as well have pulled the trigger himself. How long had it been now? A few hours? It could've been in another life.

"Ianto?"

Martha's soft tones filtered through.

"Ianto let me sort out your leg, come on. You've lost a lot of blood."

He stared numbly at the mug; his fingers had locked around it. Her dead eyes were staring into his from his place on the floor of the mall. She'd had beautiful blue eyes. Blank orbs now. Martha grasped the mug from his shaking hands.

"Come on Ianto."

It was Jack hauling him to his feet, his legs were like lead and he moved mechanically in the direction that Jack steered him, every step taking enormous effort.

"Easy now. Come on." Jack's soft tones filtered through once again. Ianto squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want the compassion, the understanding or the love. He didn't deserve them. A child had lost his mother and Ianto knew just exactly how that felt. Where was Owen? Hadn't he seen Owen only a few hours ago? The power plant. Turnmill. Owen was locked in a radioactive soup that they couldn't get to. He needed Owen more than anything right now. Owen wasn't coming and neither was Tosh, his beautiful Toshiko, his best friend. Ianto hitched a shuddering breath but the air wouldn't go in. Another one. And another.

"Ianto? Come on. Stay with us now." Martha was calm and authoritative. It didn't help; the ability to breathe failed him.

"Yan come on. Please."

Jack was pleading with him now and Ianto felt himself floating. Maybe being lifted off his feet. He wasn't sure. That poor boy and his poor mother. Her husband would be left a broken man with a broken son to care for. There were never enough pieces left to put lives back together. Ianto knew; his had been in pieces for years. He thought Jack had fixed him once. Then Jack had run away. That was so long ago and he was back, holding him right now. It wasn't enough any more. How many more would die? How many loved ones and strangers alike would Ianto have to endure losing?

"Owen. Oh God. Where's Owen?" It was torn out of him in the same way that his breath wasn't getting in. He was lowered, sinking, drowning and last thing he saw was Jack before the world switched itself off.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jack stepped back as Martha and Gwen got to work. The overwhelming horror of the day finally washing over him and Jack didn't know what to do with himself. He watched silently as Martha tended to Ianto, talking gently to him as she worked, Gwen passing her the things that she asked for. Jack had never seen Ianto lose his control like that. Even when Lisa had died there had been some measure of dignified order in the young man. Today Ianto had completely lost his grip in front of everybody, Jack had never believed him capable and he found himself wishing that today hadn't changed those beliefs.

Since Owen and Tosh had passed away they had all struggled. Jack thought they were getting better. Going to Switzerland had been a defining moment for Ianto and for a while Jack had been witness to a changed man, some one stronger, happier and more self assured. Then this one thing had snapped his thread and left him foundering in hysteria. Jack knew that Ianto would never forgive himself for what had happened today and it would be a hard job convincing him that it wasn't his fault. Jack had seen what had happened, he had been too far away to prevent it and Ianto was not to blame. No one was. Sometimes things just came falling down around you and there was absolutely nothing one could do.

He sighed again and remembered he had to get the body of the Alien out of the back of the SUV and prep it for autopsy later.

"Martha, will he be ok?"

The doctor paused for a moment and offered Jack a smile. "He'll be fine."

"I'm going to put that thing in the morgue. Call me if there's any change."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Ianto opened his eyes he realised he was facing the ceiling of his bedroom. He couldn't be bothered wondering how or why. He turned his head and Jack was there, still dressed, sound asleep beside him, an arm loosely draped across Ianto's chest. Ianto returned his gaze to the paintwork above him. He had never felt so overwhelmingly empty. He knew he shouldn't, but he did. The man he claimed to love was right there beside him, protecting him even in his sleep and Ianto found that right now, he felt nothing for him. He felt nothing at all, like he was dead himself, or at least that he should be. His sleep had been troubled by dreams of his parents, of being in an empty house on an empty planet. A silent world where the only voice was his own wailing in despair. It had taken tremendous effort not to cry out as he awoke. What had he done? Taken a mother from her son, taken a boys life and thrown it out like so much garbage because of a stupid creature that didn't even belong in their world.

Ianto had often cried for his mother and father, demanding of them why they had deserted him. They never answered. No one ever came back. Owen had once told him that there was nothing there on the other side. He had condemned that boy's mother to hell and deepest blackness. It's where everyone went in the end. Even Jack eventually. Ianto wondered at the point of it all as he so often did. He always believed that there was a reason to survive, a purpose for the living. Right now, all he wanted was to embrace the same cruel fete that had deprived a child of a decent life, the kind of life they were all there to protect, supposedly.

Ianto found himself contemplating the Stanley knife in his toolbox that was under the kitchen sink. It had been his chosen tool last time when he had taken it to his wrists two years previously. Jack had rushed him to hospital that day and cried over him for hours, leaving Ianto riddled with guilt. Jack had become his reason after that, the one to hold on to life for, because there was no one and nothing else. He loved Jack and he couldn't understand why he couldn't feel that love at the time he needed to the most.

Ianto needed to move but he couldn't not with out waking his lover. Jack never slept deeply no matter what and almost on cue the older man stirred into wakefulness and gave Ianto a warm smile of greeting.

"Hey."

Ianto faced him, forcing a returning smile that Jack recognised as being fake straight away.

"Hey."

Jack carefully eased him into a tight embrace. "How are you doing?"

"I'm ok Jack."

"The truth."

Ianto settled his head against Jack's chest and sighed. "Not so good. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Jack rubbed circles on his back and kissed his head. "Not your fault Ianto. Everything will be OK. I'll take care of you. It'll be OK."

Jack knew it wouldn't be.