Dreams and nightmares

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Doctor Who or any of its characters. Keep it simple!

Dedicated to Kelly! (Lupinsstar) just because I felt like it :p

Setting / time : Just after Girl In The Fireplace.

I know so many have been set around this time so I'll do my best to try and make it original but no guarantees!

The Doctor was sleeping for once. It was his only form of escape from the guilt and grief in his life at the moment. And it was all his fault…all his fault the way that Reinette lost him, the way that he had used her, the way that he had completely deserted the one person that meant the most to him in the whole world. He was wracked with guilt…hot, burning guilt and regret. And he could do nothing about it. Rose tried to comfort him, but how could he let himself near her when he had just done this to her?

So even when he was in a fitfull, restless sleep he still had haunting nightmares that he couldn't escape. Nightmares full of the dying people he couldn't save. Images of his family dying in his wake, visions of his home planet burning like a thousand suns…like the Earth at the end of its time. But Gallifrey was burnt way before its time. Because of him and his cowardice. As he slept salty tears coursed down his face, he was always alone, even in his dreams. A lonely wanderer, without a home, without anyone to turn to. There was no one to hold his hand, comfort him or just be there for him. Until Rose.

He thought himself incapable of human emotions again…he thought he wasn't worthy of such things, but he soon learnt that he didn't have a choice. Rose captured his heart, well and truly and there was nothing he could do about it. But he couldn't tell her. He wouldn't let himself, he didn't deserve her love. The amount of people's loved ones who died because of him made it so that he didn't…couldn't deserve anyone now. He would hurt her like he always hurts people. It doesn't matter what regeneration, he would always hurt those around him. It was a curse. The curse of the Time Lords, to live on whilst everything else died. He couldn't tell Rose he loved her, because to get even closer to her would kill him when she left. It would kill her as well, he knew that.

He had made so many mistakes in his lifetime, and the ones he had just made, in France, just added to them. So sleeping and putting up with his nightmares punished himself for what he had done. He could never be at peace. He was a Time Lord…the last one. His family were dead. The only person he had left was someone he had just hurt when she didn't deserve it.

Someone screamed…it was his mother…she lurched towards him shouting and screeching at him…cursing him for his mistakes…The Doctor woke up, gasping and shuddering as he sobbed into his bed covers. He tried to stifle the sounds as he was ashamed to be crying. Why wouldn't they leave him alone? He was sorry, all he could do was hide his loneliness and terror of his dreams behind a cheerful façade that was so convincing he almost believed it himself sometimes.

The Tardis reached out through their link and a soothing warmth calmed him. She understood what he was going through. So would Rose, The Tardis told him, if you let her. Let her understand you. Let her love you.

The Doctor clenched his fists and told the Tardis that he couldn't. How could he? He couldn't be stronger with her, she wouldn't help him, even though the Tardis thought otherwise. The Tardis rocked to get him on his feet and ushered him into the main deck where Rose was sitting, staring into nothing, lost in thought.

The Doctor's hearts clenched when he saw her, he couldn't help the way he felt, but he couldn't let it go any further. He couldn't deny his urge to be close to her, but he could stop himself from doing anything else. It might break his hearts, but at least it wouldn't break hers too. Or that's what he thought anyway, the Tardis contemplated.

Rose glanced up and found herself locked in his gaze. Tears slowly welled up in her eyes as she finally wrenched her gaze away from his smouldering eyes.

How could he do this to her, Rose thought. She thought he loved her…deep down that is what she thought…or hoped. Turned out she was wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. She started at her knees as tears began to drop onto the floor, reflecting the blue light from the central column.

The Tardis gently entered her mind and spoke to her, knowing that she was heartbroken. The poor human, she needed to understand the man she was travelling with. How alone and desperate he was sometimes.

"Rose, this is the Tardis, I know the Doctor and I know that he can make mistakes. Very big ones. He is alone Rose, deep down, he is the last one of his species alive, his family died…those he loved…died. But they haven't gone Rose, they haunt his dreams, turning them into devastating nightmares, he is so alone, because he won't let others get hurt because of him again. And that "other" is you. What you felt deep down was true Rose, it always has been, the Doctor is afraid to tell you Rose, he loves you. You taught him how to love again. But he is barring his heart Rose, he is placing barriers around it, not letting it shine. He has the capability to do that, he is a Time Lord, but he doesn't realise that you love him as well. Reinette…he kissed Reinette…he used her Rose, he was imagining it was you, he couldn't pull away, it was the first contact he had had like that for years and years. He was hungering for it Rose, and Reinette loved him. And he knew this, he kissed her because she understood his lonliness. That was all. He loves you Rose, never EVER forget that."

And with that she left Rose's mind, leaving Rose to be tearful and more confused than ever as The Doctor leant against the wall leaning his head against his arms. Rose wanted to go over and hold him close, to comfort him, but she wasn't sure whether he would let her do that. But it was worth a try…she got up slowly and crossed the room.

Tentatively she reached out a hand and brushed his damp cheek, causing him to look up through tear filled eyes to show her his desperation and regret. Overcome with pity Rose immediately tried to put her arms around him. He didn't stop her.

"I'm sorry Rose…so, so sorry." He whispered frantically against her hair, holding her close, afraid to let her go. "Forgive me…please forgive me". His eyes searched hers as he looked at her, afraid of her response. But he needn't have. As an answer her lips brushed his gently. He shuddered and closed his eyes briefly at the contact.

Rose understood that the Doctor regretted what he did…she was never one to hold grudges. She loved him for apologizing to her.

She smiled at him. No words were needed. She started to walk away but the Doctor caught her hand and entwined it with his.

"Listen…the Tardis…I know what she said to you, and its true. I…care for you Rose…more than life itself, always remember that. I'm going to do something for you now, so that you understand what it feels like to be me at the moment. I haven't done this for anyone willingly before. Just so you know…" He trailed off and raised his hands to rest on her temples. He felt naked…as though Rose could see right through his deepest darkest secrets. He closed his eyes and suddenly thousands of images flooded Rose's mind. Images of suns burning, storms raging, planets burning, and…she gasped, the Doctor with his family, laughing and smiling, the Doctor standing in a graveyard, alone. Always alone. Pictures of him in the Tardis…him crying, alone, The Daleks returning…his rage and anger and complete desolation as he sailed away on a storm from his home planet. And right at the bottom of all this destruction and sadness was a burning love, love for Rose. As strong as the sun, almost overpowering all the loss in his life.

The Doctor ended the connection quickly, letting his hands linger on her face, as she looked at him, crying for him, finally understanding this man, making her love him even more than ever.

Bit angsty but I was in one of those moods! I know its not my best but it was a spur of the moment thing! R&R please! It would be appreciated. Thanks so much for all the reviews I've had for other fics that I have done, it really helps. XXX :D