9/22/08-This is done through Maria's point of view. Spent a good hour or so staring at the avvie photo that I have that says "darkness" and this came to mind. Why not? Everyone has a dark side. Hehe. Maria is my own creation. Everything else belongs to the big guy with the big wallet...

Dark side and Demons

Everyone has a dark side. I know it. I have it. John has it. My colleagues have it. Everyone has it.

Since my attack, it creeps to the surface more then often and I struggle to keep it down. But it does take over since it controls my own mental thoughts. Not a good thing. I wish to not see Huang this week. Again.

Let's start with when I returned to Boston to put in my two cents to find the Boston Butcher. I almost slipped in a dark, deep tunnel of depression the more we came across murder scenes. When Miles was found, we all slipped into our dark sides. Scott was my only way to the light, before he passed. He would laugh and speak the most that he could, making me smile. We'd sit in the small place I had and watch the movies he liked to watch. Lion King was his favorite as he liked to roar like Mufasa and cry when Mufasa died.

But when my baby died, I almost became a full-blown alcoholic. I couldn't fight anymore. I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with him and play with him again, like we used to. But, I didn't want to follow the line of my mother. She did what she did and I didn't want to follow her. But, I was tempted. The scenes of David and Stella dead within two months of each other, I was highly tempted. End my own suffering before the Butcher, Kevin, did.

What he did to me, did ruin my entire life. He broke my window of trust, hope, love, and life; left if shattered to the wind. I had caved and lost my will to live. I wanted to die, again, and feel nothing else. Even when John started to care for me and show me that people can be trusted, I still escape to a place where he couldn't reach me. To comfort me.

Even now, years later, I still fight my dark side and demons. When the nightmares play across my mind, for one brief moment I want to crawl into that dark tunnel and suffer it myself. To suffer alone, so no one can see what pain I feel. I wish to not show the others what I have to go through, but one always finds a way to sneak into that tunnel and relieve that pain. Good for ol' John to do that, even though it causes him pain as well.

Speaking of that man, he has his own dark side and demons as well. When the lightly news mentions someone committing suicide, I watch from the corner of my eye to see his eyes give that downcast look and his strong shoulders lower as if he was defeated. Like he had lost the fight, even though he was not the one who did the deed. He knows what I live with as well and hates the fact that we both have to live with it day in and day out. After his Uncle Andrew refused more medication, I watched as he sank away for a little while. I didn't dare go near him until he wanted me to. Did the same thing after Amy Solway refused the kidney for the little boy. I might have done the same thing, but John's feeling and beliefs fought together. A few times, he does turn to the bottle, but he does stop himself before anything terrible happens.

After working on his binge, he wraps those long, strong arms around me and speaks of those demons. I listen every time before he slowly drifts to sleep on me. So much death, suffering, grief, and other depressing facts are always entering our lives. Our job never makes it easy. I go to work to deal with the suffering and torture and come home feeling critically depressed to the point I want no one in my life.

A few times, John and I fight verbally. Stress does not help at all as we end up saying things that we never mean. I always bring up the jibs of his ex-wives and past girlfriends, while he brings up the Boston Butcher and my dead colleagues. Sure, let's hit below the belt. Let's scream and yell at each other until we're blue in the face. Either way, we both end up feeling guilty and the tears that threaten to fall.

We fight all demons anyway that we can, even if it involves that above topic. Those demons always force their way to our minds and hearts. Everyone has demons in them and I know because I do as well. Serious and deadly demons and I never forget that. Even your loved ones have them. John reminds me of it every day. Not verbally, but I can see it after a long day. That's when it really comes out, those demons and dark sides.

-End!

9/23/08-Seriously, I know that I have a dark side. Who doesn't?