Pain is a close friend of mine. In fact it has been the one, true constant in my life. When we came here, the pain that resulted from this wretched place-it wasn't even a surprise. Every other passenger was agonizing over their fate-("why me?") and I knew I deserved it, the sting of hopelessness. But, Jack…he is …he deserves peace, a moment free from pain-a chance to be something other than the martyr. Until Jack I believed that I deserved only sorrow, but sometimes the way he looks at me, moments when neither of us breathe when I feel as if he can't see my scars, my cracks, I feel this twinge of hope. Redemption. It is unsettling to be so utterly vulnerable. There are times when I feel his eyes could pierce through me. There is such strength; such kindness in him I find myself wishing that he could somehow spread these things to me through those gazes. Then fear sets in; If he bleeds into me like that will my darkness taint him as well ? The idea of my sins poisoning a man of such integrity is unthinkable. I ache to be with him, to have him hold me, to have his hand cup my cheek, his lips whisper in my ear, his strong arms cradle me as we sleep, but not if it means he will become damaged. I can live with this ache, I can continue with this pain, but only if I know its darkness will never touch him.
With Sawyer it is easier. We are both so damaged that we can't hurt each other; both of us bleed darkness. I know I don't love him. When he gazes at me I feel…it's not the same. Sawyer is the man I deserve but he is not the one I want and he and I both know that. I feel sick when I think of Jack watching us, that day in the cage. I brought him pain, I tarnished him. I know I did because I feel the same when I see him with Juliet. I thought pain and I were well acquainted, but now I feel something new, something far worse-anguish. And worse yet it is self inflicted. I created this mess because I was too weak to let Jack in.