Disclaimer: I don't own anything in Stephanie Plum's world, nor do I make money from anything I write.
A/N: Just a little fun in here, Rated PG-13 for innuendos and mature implications…
Operation Prank Javier Rodriguez
My name is Stephanie Plum, and I'm contemplating burning down Ranger's business. Okay, so I'm way too chicken to try that, but I would love to find that stupid little worm Rodriguez and see where he's getting all these names. I had only left my cubby hole for like two seconds this time, when he scurried in to leave me ten files. And it's four o'clock in the afternoon!
I glanced up and down the hallway. No one was in sight. 'Stupid fucking worm.' I thought to myself viciously.
"Who's a 'stupid fucking worm'?" Bobby asked from behind me, making me spill my brand new coffee all over the floor. Apparently I need to double check my thoughts to make sure I'm not speaking them out loud.
"Brown!" I whined. "I just got that damn coffee! How am I going to stay awake for the rest of the afternoon?"
"I could help you stay awake, Angel." Bobby replied, waggling his eyebrows at me. No way was I taking him up on that offer. Last week I saw Bobby out with four different women. And there was no way these women had been his sisters… I sure as hell hoped not anyway. I was beginning to think that Bobby was the real 'office playboy' and not Lester. "Who's a stupid fucking worm?"
"Rodriguez. He sent me over thirty searches today! And he marks them all with these little sticky notes that say 'PRIORITY'. Every single search. When I walked away to get coffee, he brought me ten more of the stupid things."
Bobby grinned widely. "You had better get to work then. Top Priority!" He stepped back at my glare. That's right. I inspire fear into a man twice my size and probably one hundred times my muscle mass. I think it must have something to do with the food police that keep robbing my secret chocolate stores. Lucky thing I have one hidden away where Ranger wouldn't think to look.
"You may want to go, Brown." I said quietly. "Oh, and by the way, where is this Rodriguez?"
"Second floor." Bobby stuttered. Wow, the no chocolate glare was really working. "Third door on your left after you get off the elevators." And then he took off. I grinned to myself and grabbed my tampon box from the top of my desk. I waited until the security camera was pointing the other direction, and I climbed underneath my desk .
I pulled my secret stash of Recee's Peanut Butter Cups from my tampon box and grinned. I moaned when the delectable goodness touched my tongue. Lucky my desk was in the middle of nowhere. Well, it wasn't anywhere near the other guys. I don't think Ranger trusted my hormones. I stifled another moan, and a pair of boots slid under my desk with me. I checked out the legs that were attached to this fine specimen of Rangeman, and decided it was Lester. It is pretty sad, but I can tell who is who by the way their cargos fit. Ranger should know better than to take away my sugar. I was a walking hormone.
Lester passed me a note and a pen.
Hey Sexy!
Why are you hiding under your desk? It's not like you're being covert. We can hear you moaning over that chocolate a mile away. Actually, it's more likely that you'll draw a crowd. Now if you really want to hide, I can take you up to my apartment on four, and we can play hide and seek
Lester Santos
'Your Man of BIG Intentions'
He had to be kidding. Like I was going to fall for that shit. Lester loved pulling my chain. Last week he spent three hours on surveillance using corny pick up lines on me like 'Did your car just explode, or are you just happy to see me?' Needless to say, it was all in fun. I picked up my pen and jotted a quick response.
I'm getting my chocolate fix while I can. Rodriguez just put ten searches on my desk, and it's either chocolate, or I go down to two and spray him with my defense spray. That stuff hurts like Hades. And I don't think Ranger would enjoy it very much if I maced one of his men. He gets really cranky about that sort of thing.
P.S. Want a mini Recee's Cup? Too bad. You can't have one.
Stephanie Plum
'Woman with small expectations'
Ouch Bomber! That got me right in the heart! And it's wrong. I can prove it. Actually, you are in a great position for me to prove it. Wanna find out the truth? You know what they say… 'The truth will set you free.' Give me a Recee's cup or else I'll tell Ranger that your secret stash is in your tampon box. You'd never be able to hide any goodies again.
Lester
'Man of Actions, not words'
I grunted and reluctantly passed him a Recee's cup. Then I pinched his calf, hard. I was satisfied to hear a grunt of pain.
I have experience in stapling people's nuts. Would you like to be my next victim? If you take it out of your pants that is exactly what you'll be. Have you got any ideas on how I can get back at Rodriquez? He's driving me nuts!
Steph
'Woman that doesn't want to see any action from you'
Has that chocolate not cheered you up yet, Bomber? I was hoping you'd be in a better mood when I heard all of those delicious moans. Damn. I especially liked that one you gave when you felt up my leg. Any chance of a repeat? No, okay then. Let me think. Hmm, you could steal his cell phone and change the language setting to Chinese. Or you could steal his favorite pen, and leave a picture on his desk like you are holding it ransom. Or, my personal favorite, you could leave a note on his desk saying that you want to meet him for a quickie in that conference room that has a broken camera, and you could lock him in. He really sucks with B I'm not exactly sure why Ranger hired him.
Les 'Do I get a kiss for these ideas?' Santos
Hey! I can't do B&E either. That last was a great idea. If you want to watch the show, be there at 4:30. Now get out of my chair so I can get things ready.
Stephanie 'Maybe later,' Plum
Lester climbed out of my seat, and I was climbing out from under my desk when Ram walked by. He tripped when he saw us and excused himself immediately. Great. Ram was one of Rangeman's biggest gossips. That hadn't exactly looked very clean cut and wholesome either. Eek. In fact it had looked downright bad.
"Shit." Lester said, watching Ram run down the hall.
"I thought you guys were supposed to be aware of your surroundings!" I accused Lester.
"Hey it's not my fault, Beautiful. If you hadn't been moaning and stuff, he probably wouldn't have even walked by." I glared at him. It didn't work as well as it had with Bobby. Lester never got flustered by my glares. Damn him.
"Look, Santos. If I'm going to pull this off, I've got less than ten minutes to deliver a note to Rodriguez, so go away." Santos just smiled a big shit-eating grin. It made me want to melt. In fact, I think my panties may have melted off my body. He had a smile like a- Whoa! I apparently needed more chocolate.
"Okay, okay. See you at 4:30." Santos laughed and walked away. I pulled out a pen and wrote a note.
Rodriguez,
I saw you today and couldn't help noticing how sexy you actually are. If you're willing to let me put the searches aside for say, a half hour, I could make it worth your while. Meet me in Conference Room C at 4:30. I'll be waiting…
S. Plum
I let out a laugh and folded the note. Then I delivered it to Rodriguez. I didn't say anything, just dropped it in front of him on his desk. It was really too bad that he was such an ass, because the man was smoking hot. He looked like a younger version of Johnny Depp. I hoped I wouldn't be tempted to go into Conference Room C. Surely not. No. I just needed more chocolate. I stopped by Ram's desk on the way back to my cubicle.
"Can I have one of your tasty cakes?" I asked, giving him my best puppy dog eyes.
"Why, did Ranger finally raid your tampon box?" Ram replied with a grin.
"No. I raided my tampon box. It's one of those days." I said pleadingly. "I need sugar, or my hormones are going to get out of control!"
"Those apples in the breakroom have plenty of sugar." Ram smiled. "Just what you need."
I leaned in close. "You have a whole stash Ram, I'll pay you back. Plus, if you don't give me one, I'm going to hide under your desk and not come out until Ranger walks by. I guess he probably wouldn't mind though…" Ram snatched a drawer open and tossed me a tasty cake. "Thanks Ram!" I smiled and kissed him on the forehead.
I watched Conference Room C from behind Hal's cubicle for a few minutes before someone tapped me on the shoulder. Lester was standing behind me. "Jesus, Les. You almost made me pee my pants!"
"If I'm going to make your pants wet, I'll make sure it's a completely worthwhile type of wet." Lester whispered in my ear. Shit. He did make my panties wet. I pulled the tasty cake from my pocket and swallowed it almost whole. Take that hormones!
Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Ranger staring at me. Santos and I jumped apart, looking classically guilty despite our innocence. Okay, so Santos and I are about as far away from innocent as it gets, but you get my point. "Babe, can I speak to you in my office?" I had a bad feeling about this.
"Sure thing, Ranger." I squeaked. I gave Les a pointed look at the door, hoping that if Rodriguez showed up he'd do my dirty work for me. His head shake wasn't very promising though.
"Babe," Ranger said once the door was closed. He held up my note to Rodriguez. My mouth dropped open. That scumbag! "Do I really have to make you aware of Rangeman's sexual harassment policy? If I would have known that you needed it, I would have made you attend the seminar that all of the guys had to sit through."
"It was going to be a practical joke." I answered stiffly. "I was going to lock him in the conference room. He is making my job HELL."
"Babe, Rodriguez is one of my best guys. I don't want you locking him in the conference room. I take it that is why Santos was hovering over you like a doting high school sweetheart?" Ranger asked, lifting one eyebrow. He sounded jealous!
"I hate to break it to you, Ranger, but one of your best guys is a snitch. If I had been serious, this would be enough to mortify me beyond the point of return. I would probably have quit. And Santos only hovers like that when he's feeling frisky. You just have to ignore it and eventually he calms down." I replied. So Santos would probably kick my ass from here to Timbuktu if he heard that, but hey, Ranger doesn't gossip. Right?
"Rodriguez didn't mean it personally; he was just insulted that you thought it would take less than thirty minutes. I think he brought it to me because his feelings were hurt." I glared at Ranger. Men!
"I take it this is the part where you tell me to cut it out, right?" I asked dangerously. I was definitely thinking about my stun gun in my pocket. If Ranger pushed me too far with this…
"Babe." Ranger said, the one word answer that said 'if you reach for your stun gun, I'm going to make you regret it.' I sighed and turned to leave. He stopped me with another "Babe."
"Fine Ranger, I'll cut it out." I said, opening the door.
"Oh, and Babe, if you are really that deprived, just let me know. I can take care of some of that pent up… energy." That made me shiver. Santos may have ruined my panties, but Ranger had come dangerously close to ruining my cargos.
Santos met me back at my desk with a big plastic bag full of some kind of boxes. I glanced down at them and quirked an eyebrow at the man. Ram joined him soon after with another plastic bag. "I figured we could help you out with your plan." Santos said with a grin.
"Obviously, the conference room idea didn't work, so we got back up supplies." Ram added. I gave them a calculating look. This was a little more helpful than usual.
"What's in it for you?" I asked casually. Ram looked immediately guilty, and Santos's grin grew to the size of the Cheshire Cat's.
"Just a kiss, Beautiful." Lester said. "One real kiss to each of us." I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, but you have to help me actually complete a prank on Rodriguez, not just try." I said after a moment. I could see Les trying to collect just because he 'gave me an idea', or some such nonsense.
The boys grinned at me. "Deal." They both said at the same time. Oh boy.
Ten minutes later, I was standing in a dark corner on the 2nd floor with Les, waiting for Ram to report back from his reconnaissance mission. By 'reconnaissance mission', I mean that Ram was scoping out Rodriguez's desk. This was going to be great. Ram popped out of Rodriguez's office and motioned us forward. Les grabbed the extra bag from my hand and we snuck down the hallway.
When we reached Rodriguez's station, Ram was already on his hands and knees, reaching for the power cords. He let out a grunt as his shoulders blocked his way under the desk. I laughed. "It isn't funny, Steph. We can't saran wrap his computer while it is on and plugged in. I'm not going to be the one to vandalize Rangeman equipment." I sighed and tugged on Ram's shirt.
"Here, let me." I had crawled under the desk and reached for the power cord before I heard it.
"Shit." Lester said through his teeth. Ram just took off running.
"What is…" I started to ask before Lester shushed me.
A man started speaking in Spanish from the doorway, and I froze from where I had been about to climb out from under the desk. Rodriguez! He was supposed to be gone for the day. Fuck! I glanced at my watch. 6:00. Damn it. Why hadn't the infuriating man just gone home already?
"Oh, I was just waiting for you, Javier." Santos said in English. Hector asked me to send you up to his office on 5. He is pretty angry about you ratting Steph out. She's like his manicure partner or something. Way to go on ticking Hector off." I shoved my hand into my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Hector wasn't my manicure partner, Cal was, but Santos didn't know that. Actually no one knew except for Cal and me. He didn't want anything ruining his image. He figured the guys would give him hell about it. Actually, that showed that he knew the guys pretty well. Especially Santos.
I heard Rodriguez suck in a breath. "Shit." Santos shifted his legs so that he was blocking the view of me under the desk as Rodriguez walked closer. "Get out of my way, Santos. I have some work to do. I'll see Hector when my shift is over." Santos shifted uncomfortably. I scooted as far back as I could. Luckily Rodriguez apparently qualified for 'giant desk' status at Rangeman. If I was lucky, he wouldn't even kick me and alert himself to my presence.
So that was when Rodriguez settled in for a long shift on the computer. I pulled out my cell when Rodriguez flipped on his radio to a loud country station. I text messaged Santos.
Help. Start a fire if u have to,
but get me out of here. Shithead turned
on a country station, and it's like slow
horrid torture. Where did Ram go?
The pussy. I'm going to use
him for target practice when I
get out of this.
I waited for Santos's response, making sure to turn my cell phone on silent. It came back quickly.
K. But this involves lying
to Ranger, so ur going 2
owe me more than 1 kiss.
Maybe we should start u a
tab. In fact, u should start
asking for my help more often
so we can build up to a wild
night in my apartment. What
do ya say, Beautiful?
Keep dreaming Santos. Just get
me the fuck out of here before
I spill the beans about that
night you decided to dress
up like Sally Sweet. Yes. I
saw you at the Liberty Ballroom.
I was jealous. You make an
awesome girl.
Fifteen minutes and six songs later, Rodriguez's phone rang. I heard him speaking Spanish again and tuned it out. His legs slid under the table and his left knee was inches from my breast. Shit. Now I was going to have to sit like a statue until he moved back again. My phone showed another text from Santos.
Think of me naked.
That's it. That's all it said. And even though I knew it was a bad idea, once the thought was in my head, it wouldn't go away. Yum. Lester in clothes was yummy. Lester without clothes…
I was broken out of my reverie by Rodriguez's chair rolling back. He left the room. I waited a few minutes and then peeked around the desk to see if I was alone. I let out a squeak when I ran into Ranger's legs.
"Babe." Ranger said. He sounded angry this time. "Lester said you needed rescued."
He helped me to my feet and I stretched my cramped muscles. Then I walked over and changed all the presets on Rodriguez's radio to classical music. Then I turned the volume all the way up, and flipped the thing off. God damned country music.
"Babe." Ranger growled, bringing me back to reality. I nodded for him to lead the way. I had a feeling the inside of Ranger's office and I were going to become a lot better acquainted, and not in a good way. What had Santos said to him?
"So what reason, exactly, did Santos say I was under the desk?" I asked timidly when I was seated across from Ranger in his office.
"First he tried to tell me that you were checking adapter cables." Lester was so stupid. Adapter cables? I don't even know what those are! "When I didn't believe him, he broke down and told me that you guys had been playing 'naughty secretary' because you thought Rodriguez was gone for the day." My mouth dropped open. Lester was so dead. He was so dead that he should be rotting somewhere.
"Naughty secretary?" was all I could say.
"I expect you to keep your personal life away from Rangeman babe." Ranger said before dismissing me. This was turning into a nightmare.
Santos wasn't in his cubicle or Ram's. I stalked down the stairs and onto the fourth floor. I banged on Santos's door and Santos opened it with a smile. "So, have you changed your mind?" he asked seductively, stepping aside to let me in, and closing the door. He leaned against the wall and looked me over.
"No, you bastard! I haven't changed my mind. Can you tell me exactly why you told my boss that we were playing 'naughty secretary' in his office building?" Lester looked a little sheepish.
"Sorry about that. When I thought about you under the desk, all I could think about was that I wanted to play 'naughty secretary' with you. Somehow it just slipped out when Ranger was bugging me about why you were under Rodriguez's desk."
"I'm not taking any more prank advice from you and Ram. You two are terrible pranksters. You couldn't even figure out a halfway decent cover story. We're probably both going to wake up in the middle of the Sahara tomorrow morning. I'm roughing this payback on my own from now on."
"Already been taken care of, Beautiful." Lester smiled. "I got Hector in on it. We're sending Rodriguez to the Liberty Ballroom for an 'Award Ceremony' tomorrow night. The dude doesn't go out enough to know anything about the Liberty Ballroom. Hector's got a few cross dressing friends that are going to take pics with him. When Hector gets them developed, we'll hang them all over the office. Deal?"
I looked him over. "Deal." There was no way I was getting caught by Ranger again. "If you promise to saran wrap his computer tonight too."
Lester grinned. "That's Ram's job. I'm doing my part with the pictures. By the way, I want to collect on that kiss now." I was suddenly very distracted by Lester's mouth. He had very full lips that looked utterly kissable.
"Okay." I agreed slowly, "but you can't tell Ram. He's going to have to wait until he wraps the computers…" I trailed off as Santos stalked towards me. My back hit the closed door a moment before his lips were on mine, and I only had time to think Shit, Steph, what have you gotten yourself into now? Then I was experiencing the most tantalizing, powerful kiss I had ever had.
Moments later I realized that I had my legs wrapped around Lester's torso and one of his hands was up my shirt. SHIT! What the hell was I doing? Santos seemed to sense my discomfort, and he slowly lowered me to the ground.
"I may think up some more ways to get Rodriguez for you if I could get another kiss like that, Gorgeous." I straightened my clothes and blushed furiously.
"Keep your panties on, Santos." I muttered.
"Fine, be that way, but tomorrow, Operation PJR goes into effect." At my questioning look he explained. "Operation Prank Javier Rodriguez."