Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who no matter what Police Constable Pan Am says.
I Didn't Just Hear That
"It won't fit." These were the first words Jack Harkness heard when he walked past Rose Tyler's door. He was about to ask her if she wanted to join him for lunch and had been in the process of raising his hand to knock when he heard her exasperated protest. Maybe he'd find the Doctor and see if the Gallifreyan wanted to have lunch with him instead. Whatever Rose was doing it sounded like she wasn't in the mood for company.
"I'm telling you it will fit you just have to adjust the angles right." The annoyed northern accented voice that came through the door next was unmistakably the Doctor's so Jack guessed he wasn't going to be having lunch with the Doctor either.
"Well, it's just you and me then sexy." Jack said stroking the side of the ship. He started to walk down the hall towards the kitchen when Rose's voice stopped him.
"It won't fit and if you're not careful you're going to break something, and it might be something important."
Jack froze in his tracks. He knew it wasn't right to eavesdrop but this conversation was just getting too intriguing. His guttery mind could fill in quite easily what he thought they were doing. He was sure however that what he thought was occurring behind that door and what was actually occurring behind that door were two different things.
"Is it supposed to be this hard?" That was Rose again and Jack had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing at the question. Poor Rose, if she didn't know that, Jack didn't envy the Doctor one bit.
"It's not that hard, it's just you stupid apes." The Doctor said sounding more annoyed than before. Jack wished he could caution the older man. If the Doctor was trying to do what Jack thought he was trying to do, calling Rose a stupid ape was not the best way to charm her. Jack could think of several good lines the Doctor could use to charm the pants off of Rose, literally, if that's what the Gallifreyan was going for and it sounded like he was. The only problem was that Jack couldn't let on that he had heard the Doctor's chat up lines without explaining how he had heard them.
"Ouch! Easy there, Doctor. I told you it was too hard." Rose said sounding slightly out of breath.
Jack rolled his eyes. Maybe he should go in there and stop them before the Doctor injured himself or Rose further. "I'm telling you, I've done this before and it's not too hard. I think after nine hundred years I can judge the right firmness for this particular human recreational activity." The Doctor said in what Jack had already started to call his lecturing the stupid apes tone.
Rose's response was immediate. "And I'm telling you, Time Lord that I've done this before as well. I've done it with Mickey loads of times and it wasn't this hard."
Jack was torn between the desire to laugh out loud and give himself away in the hallway or to open the door and risk going in because it sounded like things were getting violent in there. Jack didn't know the Doctor that well and certainly not as well as Rose. Jack had only been traveling with them for a few weeks but what he did now was no man, alien or not, wanted to hear about how a lover from his woman's past performed in relation to his own performance. Poor, poor, Rose. He really ought to go and help her. He didn't want to see the poor thing face the Time Lord's wrath.
"I don't care how Mickey the idiot did it, I'm telling you this is right." The Doctor thundered.
"No you are not, if you were doing it right, it wouldn't be bent like that." Rose replied.
Outside the door, Jack was trying not to collapse in a fit of laughter. Bent Something was bent? That didn't sound good at all. Jack was glad he hadn't been more aggressive in his efforts to take the Gallifreyan to his bed. Jack didn't think he could deal with bent parts. He wasn't that flexible.
"Let's get Jack to help us then, see what he says." The Doctor suggested, his voice coming closer to the door. Jack closed his eyes and prayed for the TARDIS to swallow him whole as the door opened.
"Jack, there you are, we could use your assistance." The Doctor said congenially. Jack was unprepared for the man's happy tone and opened his eyes slowly. The Doctor was leaning against the doorway one eyebrow raised at Jack's behavior.
"You've got clothes on," Jack said stupidly as he took in the Time Lord's appearance. The Doctor was almost fully clothed he was only missing his leather jacket and boots. He had a calm look about him and was decidedly not unkempt. He did not have the appearance of a man who had either just had sex or was interrupted in the middle of sex.
"Yes, well can't indulge all your fantasies in one day now, can I captain?" The Doctor said dryly. He gestured for Jack to come into the room.
"As you can see, Rose has all her clothes on as well, however help her finish the puzzle and she may flash you." The Doctor said.
"Oy, Wanker!" Rose protested throwing a pillow at him. At the Doctor's mention of the word puzzle, Jack looked at the bed. There in the middle of the bed was a large partially assembled jigsaw puzzle.
"That's what you two were doing in here?" Jack asked before he could stop himself. Rose gave him a sunny smile and the Doctor's face held a look of pleasant confusion.
"Yes, Jack what else would we have been doing?" The Doctor asked confusion still evident on his features.
"Nothing, never mind." Jack said quickly. If they didn't know he wasn't going to be the one to tell them. He liked them both but not enough to supply them with ideas of how they could have been spending their time playing naked games. He really didn't want to do that especially if he wasn't invited to play too.
"Do you want to help us with the puzzle, Jack?" Rose asked offering him a piece.
"No, really. I'm just going get some lunch. You two enjoy the puzzle." Jack said walking out of the bedroom shutting the door behind him.
The Doctor waited until he heard Jack's footsteps fade from the hallway. The mask of bland pleasantness he had worn for Jack faded as he turned to the woman now in his arms. "Not very observant is he?" The Doctor asked his voice muffled as he completed the question by nuzzling Rose's neck.
"No. I don't think he is, Thetaaaaa." The last word Rose spoke, the Doctor's Gallifreyan nickname was drawn from her on a moan as the Doctor's teeth nibbled on the sensitive flesh where shoulder and neck met.
Jack hadn't been very observant at all. If he had been he might have noticed the Doctor's jumper was not tucked into his jeans and that Rose was wearing a half zipped hoodie without her usual tee shirt underneath. The Doctor pulled the duvet off of her bed folding it in the middle so none of the puzzle pieces were disrupted.
As he joined Rose in the middle of the bed he asked her. "How long do you think it'll take Jack to realize we've been working on the same puzzle for three weeks?"
Rose tugged him down for a kiss. "I'm not worried about it, I've got another thousand piece puzzle under the bed so when we finish this one, we can move right onto that one."
There was only one thing to say to such a clever woman. "Fantastic."