It isn't until her sixth glass of wine that Alison realized this is a bad idea. Really, she could hold her wine, but not after everything that she had learned that day. Not when she knew Beth was actually gone. She had been so angry when Beth had just disappeared on her, left her alone without a call, and it was like her insides had been frozen when she learned she was dead. Killed herself. Beth had killed herself.
Rubbing her eyes, Alison poured glass number seven to try to numb the pain in her heart. Sure she loved Cosima and she was sad about what had happened to Katja, she didn't want to see her clones die. Beth, though, was different. They took comfort in each other, escaped the men they had sitting on the sidelines of their lives. Her's a dud and Beth's a liar. The first time they'd cuddled while watching a movie, Beth crying against her shoulder, Alison had kissed her head. The next when the roles had been reversed, Beth had kissed her cheek. When they finally just kissed, both drunk and wanting, it was like the world had shifted.
It wasn't something they cared to analyze, they were clones for god sake who cared about the morality of kissing someone who looked like you. They didn't. Not in the moment, nor the following kisses, not even when those kisses led to something more. Something deeper. Alison needed Beth just as much as Beth hated to need her, fought that she needed someone so much when she was supposed to need Paul. Cried because she had fallen but not for Paul.
She'd fallen for her clone.
Those tears were sliding down her cheeks, hands unable to keep up with the flow. With a growl, Alison stood from her perch in the kitchen. She needed to do something, get rid of these thoughts of Beth. Such a simple idea and yet it was so hard, forgetting someone that the heart yearns for. Through her tears she notices the phone on the counter, her fingers shaking as she comes to Beth's number. Unable to change the name, unable to remove it.
Just dial. Her mind screams at her. It's still her voice mail, you can hear her, feel her warmth.
Not a thought she would admit to having to anyone, even as her fingers press to call that number. Each ring makes her heart pound a little harder, makes her tears fall a little harder, makes her wish she had loved her more.
"Alison? It's like 3 in the damn morning… Hello?"
No. This isn't what she wanted. How dare she answer that phone with that accent, with that grumble. How can she just brush it all aside, answer for Beth like it's no problem.
"How dare you." Her voice is harsh, full of everything she's feeling having turned to rage directed towards Sarah. She doesn't mean it, doesn't care to mean it, but that voice was stolen from her. That warmth is gone.
"Wha? What are you talking about?"
The next few minutes are a blur full of wine, screaming until her voice is almost gone, and confusion from Sarah before a solid click is heard. By the end of it all, Alison is panting, chest heaving as it goes from anger to sobs.
She's tossing an empty bottle out when there's a knock at the door before it just opens and she hears that damn accent again. Storming over to where she knows Sarah is, her feet come to a stuttering halt when she sees her. That hair is the same, the concerned look in her eyes, even the way she's holding her body in that moment. It's all Beth, standing before her and she can almost hear her asking what the hell are you doing Ali?
"Alison why are you cryin? What the hell was that call about?" Even that damn voice sounds like her for a moment when her name is said but then it's all obliterated, her vision gone. It's just Sarah in front of her and now she's all wrong, so different and yet so similar.
That rage hits her like a slap to the face, heart hammering in her chest. She is so much like Beth, like the Beth who taught her to shoot and the Beth who comforted her in the darkness of her home. The Beth only she got to see. It's not right, her Beth is gone and she has this replacement who is so wrong in all the right ways with no way for her to ever feel the same. Another clone in her life and of course she feels like this, feels the strain on her heart and the confusion in her head.
"You.. You need to leave! I can't.. I'm alone and drinking and it's quiet. I just wanted to hear.. I needed it and you took her away!" Her sentences are steadily growing louder, hands clenching against her legs. Sarah tenses in front of her, trying to take in whats happening. "I needed that and you made her go away!"
"Alison! The fuck are you talking about?" She can see that she's making the woman in front of her angry, confusion written all over her face. A part of her aches in a way she had forgotten she could feel, a way she hadn't felt in a while. The part that tells her that just because she had been upset Sarah came all this way, she didn't just go back to bed and forget about her. She's not the one who left. "I didn't do anythin! Wha.. What are you doing?"
One foot in front of the other and soon she's standing close enough to feel the heat from Sarah's body, feel the way her stance shifts when her hands shoot out to steady Alison's swaying body even with all the screaming. "You.. You're not her!" Her voice has fallen, gone from anger to a needy tear-filled whisper. "Why aren't you her?"
The question seems to bring Sarah out of her confusion and now there's something akin to pity, a sadness deep rooted in those eyes. It snaps something in Alison, makes her see that look Beth had given her once upon a time when she was sobbing to her about her problems. Back when things were just as messy and yet so much easier.
"Why aren't you her?!" This time it was a yell, so suddenly loud that it shocked Sarah long enough for Alison to lean in to kiss her. A kiss that seemed to stun her even more. The body she was so pressed against was frozen, hands stilled against her hips while hers went into a bit of a frenzy.
The need to touch, to feel, was overwhelming and Alison felt a little guilty deep in her mind about just touching Sarah when she was so stunned. Yet as soon as her hands started to stop, started to end as her mind caught up with how Sarah was standing, lips moved against hers and those hands squeezed her hips. Now it was her turn to be stunned, her turn to wonder how this could be.
Sliding hands pulled her in until she was flush against Sarah, all the similarities and differences locking them together like puzzle pieces. It looked so soft yet their kisses were fueled by alcohol infused anger and a need running so deep neither of them can control it. Alison's hands weren't gentle as they explored, found all the places she knew, while Sarah's hands were now holding her so tightly she knew there would be bruises, she would be back to hiding her body from Donnie. Not that she cared, just like she wouldn't care later when those marks would shine bright against her skin. It would be a reminder, show the differences in the way Sarah marks her. Make her remember Beth is gone.
In a few seconds she finds herself grunting as her back hits a wall and a leg is shoved between her own, a whimper ripping from her throat as a growl is lost in her mouth. She can feel the way Sarah needs her, feel the way she has the same ache set deep in her chest. So different and yet so alike. Her nails press into her back, pull her in more, rip down along skin. Teeth clash in harsh kisses, bodies pushing and pulling as they tremble against one another.
She doesn't remember when they hit the couch, nor does she remember when they made it all the way to the bed, but she does remember how Sarah took her. Stole all of her control. Made her forget while making her remember everything about Beth. Replacing that hurt with a feeling she wanted so much more. Scratches and bruises were left in her wake, Alison's body battered and sated in all the ways she had wished Beth would be there to give her. Now she was lost in everything Sarah, mixing the two together in those moments when she gave herself up and the fight turned into something different.
In the morning light, Alison felt a warmth against her back and a gentleness that hadn't been found the night before. A hand was skimming her side and a kiss was pressed to her shoulder. Sighing, she found herself melting back into Sarah as a little piece of her heart was broken and sewn back together.