T'Beth hummed to herself when she was sad. Bethany had first noticed it in the days after Spock's wife Lauren and daughter Teresa were murdered. When those bad times were over, her mother rarely seemed so unhappy, but lately she was humming all day long.
It worried Bethany more than Rose Ellen or Louis. Her Sy blood made her sensitive to strong emotions. Sometimes Mom's sadness stung like a burn, worst of all last night when angry voices woke her and she knew that her parents were fighting.
The man who Bethany called "Dad" was not really her father, yet she had come to love him as if he were. Aaron had a kindly smile and gentle ways, but as they gathered for breakfast she saw pain in his eyes. Clear across the table, she could feel his heart breaking. After he left for work, she looked with accusation at her mother. It had to be her fault; Aaron was so even-tempered that he never made trouble for anybody.
T'Beth noticed her daughter's hostile attitude, and being fully half Sy, suffered it like a lash. It was a relief when she dropped off the girls at St. Bernadette's and left Louis at the adjacent preschool, then continued on to Starfleet Headquarters. She had only recently returned to full duty following a period of reduced schedule. The work gave her something to think about besides the problems at home. For at least part of each day, there were moments when The Name did not entirely consume her. How she had grown to hate it!
oooo
"Lyla? Lyla Buchanan?"
Concealing his irritation, Aaron glanced up from his work. He could read the unspoken, politically incorrect thought in his fellow officer's eyes. Pascal, she's the hottest item in Starfleet! You're one lucky guy!
"Yes," Aaron replied in an even tone, "Commander Buchanan transferred to Research and Development six weeks ago. She's an excellent engineer."
"She's drop-dead gorgeous," Luntz said bluntly, "and I hear she's working side-by-side with you on some top secret project. Long days, late hours."
Aaron made it a point to appear busy. At that moment the woman in question walked in, and the gossiper left the scene.
"Good morning," Buchanan said.
"Good morning," Aaron politely repeated, although his own morning had not begun well and he did not foresee any improvement on the home front.
Lyla Buchanan flashed the famously beautiful smile that made her vivid blue-green eyes dance. With her glossy dark hair and light complexion, she was indeed attractive, but Aaron had always been shy around attractive women. It had taken years for him to speak of marriage to T'Beth, and since then he had remained scrupulously faithful. That fact now made his wife's suspicions particularly galling. He was struggling to be patient with her. Like most people, T'Beth had her own share of insecurities, but she was not an ordinary woman. Her distrust had aroused her Sy instincts, making her so aggressive and controlling that it struck at the very core of his manhood.
oooo
T'Beth settled into her office and got to work, but before long her thoughts were straying from the day's alien protocols. Tears pricked her eyes as she thought of Aaron and that woman together across the complex. She knew what Aaron thought—that she had returned to full duty in order to keep a closer eye on him. And maybe there was some truth in it.
What had happened to their tender love, their peaceful home? Her heart ached as she recalled the ugly scene in their bedroom last night. She could still see the anger on his face as he shoved her away, before she fled to the guest cottage in tears.
"Stop it!" he had snapped. "Stop trying to manipulate me!"
But she was not trying to manipulate him. Anguish made the Sy energy pour out of her and seek a response. Only instead of finding love, she met a stony wall of resistance
At lunchtime, she went to the food court and sat in a secluded corner. Picking at a salad, she stared at the entrance, tensely watching for them to make an appearance…together. She was relieved when Aaron finally showed up alone. Absorbed in his own thoughts, he failed to notice her as he took a sandwich and coffee to a table by himself. He sat for a moment just rubbing at his beard, as he sometimes did when he was tired and disheartened.
Touched by the gesture, she rose and started toward him. A woman crossed in front of her and went straight to Aaron's table. Lyla Buchanan took a seat.
T'Beth froze, her heart pounding so hard, it made her sick to her stomach. She watched her husband smile at beautiful Lyla. The woman said something and laughed. In the midst of her laughter, she reached out and touched Aaron's hand. He did not pull away or shove her, as he had done with T'Beth in the privacy of their bedroom. It seemed to T'Beth that he welcomed Lyla's touch, that he actively enjoyed it.
A searing explosion of anger threatened her tenuous composure. She wanted to scream at him right in front of everyone. She wanted to shame him and make him suffer just a little taste of the pain she was feeling, standing there watching him betray her.
Somehow she made it out of the food court and back to her office. From there, she sent a text message to his phone in angry capital letters. DON'T BOTHER TO COME HOME.
oooo
The day was nearly at an end before Aaron found a moment to check his personal messages. He was tense, wondering about T'Beth's state of mind, when he viewed her terse, offensive message.
Don't bother to come home?
His momentary confusion gave way to annoyance. What right did she have to bar him from his own home, his own children? He had done nothing wrong. Nothing!
He would have liked to slam his office door shut behind him, but the automatic slider took away that satisfaction. He arrived home in a temper, but for the sake of the children exchanged only barbed looks with T'Beth until the youngsters went to bed. But Bethany, with her Sy-empathy, could not be fooled. The girl was on the verge of tears all evening.
After the children were in bed, Aaron invited his wife into the guest cottage to discuss the situation. T'Beth coldly refused. There was a time when the stubborn lift of that chin might have been amusing, but not any longer.
Aaron lashed into her. "Mon Dieu, what is the matter with you? Don't you care that you're tearing your daughter apart?"
"My daughter?" she shot back. "I thought you adopted Bethany! Or has that gone by the wayside, along with everything else?"
Aaron huffed in frustration. "This has gone quite far enough. Contrary to whatever rumors you may have heard, I have not done a damn thing wrong."
"Rumors?" Her hazel eyes flamed. "I saw the way she touched you…and you seemed to like it well enough. Not a dirty Sy touch, like mine. Heaven forbid that I should want you—my own husband!" The words caught in her throat. Her face contorted. With a sob, she turned and ran into their bedroom.
Aaron stood still for a moment, trying to absorb what she had said, struggling to make sense of it. Commander Buchanan touched him? Touched him how? When? He did not remember Buchanan ever touching him. Had T'Beth gone insane with jealousy? He could hear the sound of her weeping. It would do no good to tell her that he loved her, even if he had felt in a loving mood. He had tried and she refused to believe it. At wit's end, he strode out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
oooo
A sudden noise jolted Bethany from her uneasy sleep. Frightened, she lay in bed, listening hard, and it seemed that she heard someone drive away in their groundcar.
"Rose Ellen," she whispered into the darkness, but across the room her sister slept on.
Bethany slipped out of bed and crept down the hall to her parents' bedroom. She turned the handle. The door was unlocked and she slowly swung it open. Her mother lay all by herself on the bed, weeping.
Bethany's stomach went leaden. Feeling helpless and alone, she came closer and cried, "Where's Dad? Where is he?"
T'Beth raised a hand in warning. "You shouldn't touch me, Beth. Not when I'm this upset."
But Bethany sank to the bed and held her mother tight, enduring the added pain as she begged, "Please, please stop the fighting."
oooo
Aaron spent the night at his Starfleet desk, occasionally dozing with his head pillowed on his arms. Mostly he thought of T'Beth and her baffling anger. What had he ever done to make her doubt him? He didn't understand. He was an engineer, a scientist. He dealt in hard physical facts, not in emotions. He could only be sure of his own heart. T'Beth was the only woman he had ever loved, and despite her bitter accusations, he still loved her.
A gentle hand shook him awake. Drowsy from lack of sleep, Aaron thought, It's her. T'Beth. She's come.
Slowly he opened his eyes and sat upright. Seeing Lyla Buchanan, he could barely hide his disappointment.
"Rough night, by the look of it," she said with a compassionate smile.
For an instant Aaron considered taking a sick day and going back home to try, once again, to sort out the problems in his marriage. Then he remembered that T'Beth would not be home. She would be here at Starfleet, busy at her job.
With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair and went for coffee.
oooo
T'Beth had just dropped off her children at school when the call came. Sitting in the parking lot, she listened as a sympathetic friend informed her that Aaron had spent the entire night at Research and Development, where he later emerged from his office in a rumpled state with Lyla Buchanan beside him.
T'Beth turned her anger on the gossip. "I know exactly where my husband was," she hotly lied. "He spent the night working. What are you trying to do, ruin his career?"
But it was not the thought of Aaron's career that led her to a cemetery near the base. A cool November breeze stirred her dark hair as she stood reading the double headstone.
Lauren Fielding S'chn T'gai ~~~~ Teresa Lauren S'chn T'gai
"We have not died, but only gone before."
The words blurred from bitter tears as T'Beth pleaded with her stepmother. "Lauren, you were more than a mother to me. You were my friend. I always wanted the kind of marriage you had with Father. I thought that's what Aaron and I had together…but now…" Her throat ached. Her heart felt bruised and empty. "Oh, how I wish I could talk to you."
As she listened to the wind in the trees, a memory came to her. At another painful moment early in her marriage, she took her sorrow to her father and he counseled her. Until now, she had stubbornly resisted the idea. Her trouble with Aaron was a private, humiliating matter, and Aaron had been Father's friend long before they married. Getting Spock involved would only complicate things. Wouldn't it?
As T'Beth went over and over the situation, she had to admit that things could scarcely get any worse. Setting aside her pride, she pulled out her phone and made a couple of calls.
oooo
Icy rain sheeted down the windows of the Plum Creek retreat house as T'Beth sat across from her father. She had not thought to check on the weather before transporting to Idaho. Though the Starfleet uniform was known for warmth and the little office was well heated, she still shivered.
"One moment," Spock said, leaving the room. He soon returned with a blanket and settled it around her shoulders.
The act of kindness broke down her defenses, and she struggled on the verge of tears. Finally she forced out the terrible words. "It's Aaron. I…I think he's having an affair."
Father turned his gaze to a window, but she knew that he was not indifferent to her misery. He was dealing with his own shock, his own pain. Assimilating and applying that famous Vulcan logic.
His steadiness helped calm her. She was wiping at a stray tear when he looked back at her and said, "You…'think'. Then you have no solid evidence, only suspicion."
"The woman is so gorgeous that…that she has a glow about her. They work late hours together and she calls him on his personal phone. He's always quick to defend her, but when I…" Father's eyebrow crept upward. "He…he pushes me away," she finished with a blush, hoping Spock would grasp her meaning without having to detail the bedroom rejection.
Father had firsthand knowledge of Sy women, for T'Beth herself had sprung from such a relationship. With utmost delicacy he said, "If I may ask your state of mind when this happens…at the very moment he…pushes you away?"
Her blush deepened, along with her annoyance. "I'm not the problem! People are talking, and…and yesterday I saw them with my own eyes…smiling, touching."
His brow rose still higher. "You did? Where?"
"At the starbase food court."
"Touching, you say. In a public forum."
The way he said "public" made it seem like he was not taking her seriously. She had to make him understand. "Yes, right in public. That woman sat down at his table. She touched his hand. You should have seen the way she smiled at him. And last night he ran off and never came back at all. He spent the night on-base. She was with him…the whole time, by the sound of it."
Father just looked at her. "By the sound of it."
Thoroughly exasperated, she leapt to her feet. "Oh, I should never have come here! I thought you'd help…but you're on his side, aren't you?"
Calmly he said, "I am on the side of truth. Obviously you have strong feelings regarding this matter, but so far you have shown me no real evidence. I know Aaron well. It is hard for me to believe he would consort with another woman—in public, let alone in private."
"But—"
"You reached for him and he pushed you away."
T'Beth let the blanket drop and went to the window. The downpour was subsiding. Swaths of mist hung in the dripping wet pine trees.
Quietly she said, "I…I know what you're thinking, but I can't help it. I'm losing him and I'm afraid. I so want him to love me that the Sy energy just comes."
He waited.
Another tear trickled down her face. She sniffled and wiped it away. "He…he used to enjoy it, but not now. He doesn't want me anymore."
She heard him rise slowly from his chair and come up behind her. His warm hand settled on her shoulder. "T'Beth-kam," he said, using the Vulcan endearment from her childhood days. And like a child, she turned and melted into his comforting arms.
After a while she drew back and looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry I got angry…but I tell you, he's changed. I can't go on like this. It's hard enough on me, but poor Bethany…"
He nodded. "You came to me for advice. You may not like what I have to say, but I ask that you listen." Deep in thought, he moved a few steps away, then faced her and said, "Remember the day you returned in tears from your honeymoon? Can you recall the advice I gave you then?"
She remembered. "You told me to guard against being temperamental. But…"
"No, hear me," he said. "From childhood, you have had a temperamental nature."
True, but T'Beth was not ready to admit that she might be part of the problem. Aloud she wondered, "How did you and Lauren do it? How did you have such a good marriage?"
A shadow of pain crossed his face. Clearly he still grieved for her. "Our marriage was not always idyllic. And have you forgotten the first year? I have never told you why Lauren left me, only that the fault was entirely mine. Vulcans can be quite…possessive. You, too, have Vulcan blood, and there is very little difference between possessiveness and jealousy. If you love Aaron, you must trust him…or you will most certainly drive him away."
She sighed. "You make it sound so simple, but what you're saying isn't easy. Just now, it seems impossible."
"Considering our nature, it is quite impossible," he agreed. "We want to grasp at every good thing and hold it tightly…but still we are not satisfied. In our hearts there is a great void that only God can fill. T'Beth, no mortal relationship, however delightful, is sufficient. Only God can fully satisfy our souls. Only God is enough. If you focus on Him, and Him alone, you will find the peace that you have been missing."
As T'Beth pondered her father's advice, she recalled how badly he had stumbled after Lauren and Teresa were murdered. Now she was the one who had wandered from her journey of faith. When had she first strayed? At what point had she started to lose her way? Her eyes had turned from God to herself, but now she must put Him back at the center of her life and follow His lead. With that realization something inside her let go, and for the first time in weeks she felt a glimmer of hope.
oooo
The moment Bethany came home from school, she noticed it. T'Beth was no longer humming. The worst of the sadness had left her eyes. There was no sick jolt of pain when Bethany hugged her. A weight lifted from Bethany's chest and she began to breathe deeply, normally. If only Aaron was here, smiling his quiet smile, her joy would be complete.
Hopeful, she asked, "Dad's coming home today…isn't he?"
T'Beth pushed aside the ache stirred by Bethany's question. With an effort, she refocused on her father's words. Enough, she reminded herself. God is enough.
She fed the children early and sent them off to a nearby park to play. The hands on the clock turned slowly. At last she heard the sound of a groundcar. As it settled in the driveway, her heart pounded wildly. Standing in the living room, she repeated to herself, Enough. My God, you are enough. Whatever happens…you are enough.
There were footsteps on the walk. The door opened. T'Beth met her husband's eyes. He was clearly tired…resentful…wary.
"I wish…" she began, "I wish you hadn't left last night. I missed you."
His expression did not change. Quietly he said, "I didn't know what else to do. You won't believe me. You are so very sure that…"
She drew in a deep, shaky breath. "Aaron, I'm going to ask you this question only once. Whatever you answer, I'll believe you, and we'll go on from here. Is there anything between you and Lyla Buchanan?"
He took a couple of steps, and dropping into his favorite chair, unfastened the turnbuckle on his uniform jacket. Wearily he said, "I'm sick of this. I've told you before, there's nothing between me and that woman. Buchanan is…a fine engineer, a good colleague. But she's not my wife. You are."
She wanted to argue, but last night, at Starfleet… Instead, she made a conscious effort to trust him. Instinct urged her to unleash her Sy-energy and force a loving response from him. Holding back, she went over and lightly kissed his bearded cheek.
"Then I believe you," she said. "You must be hungry. I'll get dinner."
She was in the kitchen, standing at the stove, when Aaron came up beside her. She was afraid to look at him, afraid of finding a hard, cynical expression on the face she loved.
Enough, she reminded herself, and the momentary fear began to ease.
Aaron touched her shoulder. Blinking back tears, she turned. His heart was in his eyes—warm, gentle, hesitant. Without a word, he drew her close and kissed her trembling lips as tenderly as their first encounter, in the garden of her father's home.
T'Beth's arms went around him. Crushing her close, Aaron kissed her again, passionately, and T'Beth felt the Sy-energy spill from her in a joyous, responsive rush. This time he welcomed it, and they agreed to continue the conversation later, in the privacy of their bedroom.
When the children returned, there was peace in the house.
oooo
During the days that followed, T'Beth still sometimes struggled with errant emotions. She had made up her mind to trust Aaron, but her heart was not so easy to convince. Christmas was fast approaching, and she dreaded the thought of socializing with Lyla Buchanan at the annual Officers' Ball.
In early December, she left for a weekend retreat in Flagstaff. The adobe-style complex was dedicated to St. Francis of Assisi, with a lovely chapel, but it was not long before her peace was shattered. At the very first lecture, her eyes wandered over the other women in the pews and came to an abrupt halt. There was no mistaking that elegant posture and exquisite profile.
Lyla Buchanan! Here?
The sound of the priest's voice faded as T'Beth stared, her heart surging with renewed antagonism. For a moment she considered leaving—not only the lecture, but the entire retreat. But then what would she tell Aaron? She dared not say the truth, and she did not want to lie, either.
Tearing her eyes from Lyla, she focused on the altar and tried her best to pray. An inner voice seemed to ask her, Aren't I enough? Aren't I the reason why you came?
oooo
At home, Bethany could sense sorrow in her father, but it was mostly a good kind of sorrow—the kind you feel when you miss someone you love. She refused to believe that it meant anything else. Things were so much better between Mom and Dad, almost as good as before.
They spent most of Saturday in the basement-Lou, Rose Ellen, and herself, running trains with Aaron on his huge, realistic layout. The next morning he took them to church, even though he wasn't Catholic and did not even understand about God. In the pew, Bethany sat close beside him, praying that a little of her own faith would find its way into his heart. Everything would be perfect then. Aaron, Mom, and all the Pascals loving God and loving each other. In such a beautiful world, there would be no discord or unhappiness. Imagining it, she closed her eyes and did not realize that she was dreaming of heaven.
oooo
T'Beth stayed at the retreat, but she was neither happy nor at peace. All Saturday she spent a great deal of energy keeping out of Buchanan's sight. After Sunday Mass, she withdrew to an enclosed garden before packing up to leave. She was seated in the shade of an acacia tree, her eyes closed, when she heard footsteps approaching on the walkway. Opening her eyes, she found Lyla Buchanan looking down at her.
T'Beth's heart lurched under a surge of adrenaline.
The woman smiled. It was the closest T'Beth had ever been to her. Close up, she looked even more beautiful—so incredibly attractive that she made T'Beth feel like a faded flower.
"Excuse me," Lyla said in a lovely, well-modulated voice, "but aren't you Aaron Pascal's wife?"
T'Beth held her breath, anticipating a horrible revelation. You poor thing, don't you know your husband loves me? I came here to sort it out, but everything's clear now. Aaron deserves some happiness, and so do I…
With an effort, T'Beth nodded. "Yes. I am."
Lyla's smile reached all the way to her rare blue-green eyes. "I thought so! You see, he has your picture in his office. Such a sweet man. He loves you so much."
It was the last thing T'Beth had expected to hear. Still wary, but knowing that courtesy demanded some sort of response from her, she asked incredulously, "You're Catholic?"
"Oh, yes…I was born into the faith." Her manner grew serious and she gestured toward the bench. "Do you mind if I join you?"
Reluctantly T'Beth made room for her, and they sat side by side without speaking.
Then Lyla sighed. "Can I tell you a secret? Just between you and me? I know you must be a good Catholic, or I wouldn't think of telling you…"
T'Beth's mind raced. This had to be it. Now Lyla would admit that she was in love with Aaron. That was her secret. Drawing in a shaky breath, she said, "Of course. Go ahead."
Lyla sat back and gazed over at a large statue of St. Francis with a white dove perched in one hand. Softly she said, "I've had something on my mind for a long time. You see, my career in Starfleet, my work in engineering…they're just not as satisfying anymore. They're just not enough. I've been thinking of making a change. Of entering a convent—a cloistered convent."
T'Beth turned and stared at her in shock.
"It's just not enough anymore," Lyla repeated.
Curious, that she would use that particular word. Enough.
With a rush of goose bumps, T'Beth realized that something more than chance had brought them together at the retreat. Only a moment ago, this woman had been her adversary, her enemy. Now T'Beth's heart was actually warming to her.
Reaching out, she touched Lyla's arm and could sense that she was a woman of integrity. "Thank-you. Oh, thank-you for sharing that."
Lyla met her eyes and smiled in appreciation. "Somehow I thought you would understand."
oooo
While dinner was cooking, Aaron sent the children into their rooms for some quiet play. He particularly did not want Bethany to see him pace, and in his worry he could not seem to stand still. T'Beth should have been home two hours ago. Her phone was turned off and she had not responded to his messages. He was beginning to wonder if she had ever gone to the retreat at all. What if she had fallen prey to some new piece of Starfleet gossip? What if she had given up on him and walked out?
Twice, he almost called the retreat house to see if she had ever arrived, but dreading the answer, he stopped short. Perhaps she hadn't left him, after all. Maybe she had met with some terrible accident instead.
Phone in hand, he sank into his chair. Its sudden ring tone startled him. A hospital calling? No…he saw that it was T'Beth!
Clumsily he opened the channel. "T'Beth?"
"Aaron."
Her screen image was not activated, but her voice was beautiful to his ears. He heard music in the background. Clutching the phone, he asked, "Where are you?"
"Starting for home. Sorry, darling. I met an interesting lady at the last minute. We were so busy talking that I lost track of the time."
"You worried me half to death," he chided.
She laughed and ended the call. It had been a long time since she had laughed like that, carefree and relaxed. The retreat had done her good.
"Dieu merci," Aaron said to himself—Thank God—then as an unbeliever, he wondered at his choice of words.
oooo
As T'Beth came to the door, she saw Aaron open it, releasing a delicious aroma of roast chicken. He stepped outside, and there on the porch, he put his arms tightly around her and she returned the embrace.
"Miss me?" she asked.
Looking into her eyes, he tenderly stroked her hair, as if she really was the most desirable woman in the entire galaxy. Perhaps his feelings, like hers, ran too deep for words. But their lips met in a long kiss that delighted their children, who were watching with noses pressed to a nearby window.
oooOOooo