Alone with my thoughts

I spent 2,500 days, more or less most likely more, believing I loved Jesse. Not that it was a bad thing because it really wasn't because it saved me making dumb decisions. But now I'm at this age where I should be in a meaningful relationship and just thinking about him and how it seems like I wasted so much time over thinking I loved him. I remember being bombarded almost daily by classmates about whether he and I were an item and I just figured if everyone saw it that way then I must have some feelings past platonic for him. How juvenile of me. I let our peers choose who I was to love. And I can't believe I let that rule me for 7+ years. I did love him, but it was never romantically. I really did try to though and always just chalked it up to being young and not truly knowing what loving someone was. I questioned myself several times over the years if these feelings were true and probably why I never sought out the courage to ask him out on a date. Would things be different if we did date? I don't believe so. I was never jealous of the people he did date nor did I ever feel my heart swell because of him. So here I am almost 26 years old now and contemplating my love life. I thought long and hard the other day and came upon realization that I don't think I ever experienced a first love or heck even a crush. Sure I had my share of relationships, if that's what you want to call them, but none ever lasted more than a week and I usually just dated the individual simply because they initiated contact with me. So again here I am almost 26 years old and wondering if I was ever normal. I compare myself to my close knit ragtag group of friends and I am an alien. I have always done things differently and my way of thinking never flowed with the rest.

Here I am living with my other best friend and not sure where my feelings stand. As of this moment I repeating history and I'm wondering if I love her platonically or romantically. I need to figure this out soon; I don't want to waste another 7+ years. She makes me happy even without doing anything. I never felt so comfortable around anyone else. But for now I need to push those thoughts to the side and deal with what I need to do with my Jesse situation right now. I need to let him go. I've needed to let him go ages ago and never had the guts to do so, but I can no longer do that. I've held him at such a high place in my life and I want to move on without any hindrances. So I'm stuck here writing out a letter for him hoping not to sound harsh and also that he'll understand where I'm coming from. This is for the best. So here goes.

The Letter

My fondest memory of you was this one seemingly normal day back in elementary. I don't remember what grade we were, but that single day was a life shifting moment for me and I didn't even know it at the time. I remember it as if it all just happened yesterday and it will always hold a special place in my heart. It was a very sunny day and we were running around with our friends as we always did. We were having a great time and then you came up with a game that made that day even better. You got ahold of our attention and made us take notice of our shadows that were stretched out to almost the same size of us. We started making shadow puppets with our hands, but doing that wasn't enough for you. No you wanted to make a whole story with just our shadows. As you proceeded to dish out our roles and deeming yourself a prince being the only male my imagination started to be activated. I saw the castle walls form, I saw the drawbridge fall, and I saw you the prince on the lookout tower. We ran around again like usual, but this time I swear I truly felt like I was living in that castle. Then once again running around was not enough for you, no since you were prince you had to have a princess. That's when in our shadows you took my hand and leaned over and kissed my cheek. Although it was only our shadows that moment was the moment that shifted my life.

Fast forward to middle school and that moment was still my favorite. I loved it so much that I mentally nicknamed you "my Shadow Prince." Yes at that time I used "my" because I was possessive and you were special. Throughout sixth and seventh grade I pondered why you were so special to me. I always just figured it was because I knew you so long and saw you all the time. But then came eighth grade and my feelings where in a whirlwind. I wasn't completely sure if these feelings toward you were truly just friendly. Then came the questions from every direction it seemed. "Are you and Jesse dating?" "What? No." I would reply. But they continued to nag "then why are you two always together and I've seen you hold hands." "We're best friends nothing more" I claimed. Those questions got to me and while I would be lost wondering about it during lunch you would grab my hand and drag me off to the drink machines. Most of the time you didn't let go of my hand and as soon as you got your drink you would drag me back to our friends. So then one day that same routine happened, I was thinking and then you dragged me off. I let go of your hand that day and decided I needed to figure things out and started to avoid being dragged off. It took me about a week to tell myself that I liked you as more than a friend. Never did I act on those feeling though. And not because I thought you would reject me I just didn't know I was supposed to.

Now we're in high school and I've come to terms with my idea that I liked you, but I didn't focus on those emotions. Nope instead I realized you were different from the kid I knew in elementary and middle school. It felt like one day all you talked about was liking girls and the next day you now liked boys as well. I was confused. I didn't even know about homosexuality till eighth grade when you started hanging out more with Tiff. When others called you gay I honestly didn't fully understand it. I figured it was an adult thing. So now that we were in high school I felt like I was lagging behind everyone in the growing phase of our lives. I still figured I liked you and maybe it had moved on to love. And then I still did not act on these feelings. Around sophomore year I really started to take notice of the change you've made and no longer felt as close to you as before. You were going one direction while I was going in the opposite. You started to hang out more with people I didn't care to associate myself with, but did if you introduced me to them. I wanted to keep you happy. There were times were I felt like we were back in elementary. Things were simple. But those times were becoming fewer and further apart. I understood though 'cause we were growing up and change is bound to happen. We were growing apart. But still I wanted to keep you happy so I put in my best effort to fit in when I could. Truth be told I never cared to do the whole alcohol scene, but I did it anyways to be able to spend time with you. You were my best friend so of course I would do anything for you. I didn't mind, I was happy if you were.

After high school I still believed I loved you as more than a friend, but it never did sit right with me. I then decided to put my feelings aside and mess around and I don't mean sexually. What I mean was that I entertained Tiff and Kats advances. With Tiff it was only like a week or so and mainly it was just texts even though she was with Julie. And pretty much the same happened with Kat except the few make-out sessions included. These days though I kind of regret leading them on when I knew acting that way was not me. I had chalked it up my actions to me loving you and it wasn't till I was in Barden did I realize some things.

I went through some changes while I was there. I found some friends, but never really hung out much with them 'cause I longed to be in LA. I had your pictures in my dorm and my roommate asked me who you were and I told her how amazing you were. She then proceeded to ask me if I loved you and that got me thinking about my feelings again. I sat back and thought "do I still love him?" "why do I love him?" "are you sure you love him?" I questioned everything, but then I sat down and really thought about it and came to the conclusion that no I never did love you. I mean I did love you just never in the romantic sense. You were like my brother, but better cause you were my bestie. I had made others accusations rule over my emotions and it wasn't so bad. I had always wondered why I never really felt jealous when you were dating someone or never felt my heart swell when I was around you, but now I knew why.

You are one of the best things that I have gained in my life. I am forever grateful for the journey we took together. But now as we get older we are growing apart more than ever before. We are not as close as we could be and that's okay because we all go through seasons. And the season of me and you being best friends is just coming to an end. Me letting you go is not because I hate you, but its time I take you down from the throne I put you on and move forward in my life. You must do the same and that's all right. You may no longer hold the best friend title for me, but always and forever will you be My Shadow Prince that brought joy into my life when I needed you most. And yes I'm still using "my" not because I'm possessive still but mainly because I honestly think I am the only one that sees you as "shadow prince." I'll love you always and forever will you have a part of my heart and I'm perfectly fine with you keeping it. You are amazing beyond words and I hope you are happy wherever life leads you.

-Beca

Penny for my thoughts

I'm at peace now. I've known my feelings towards Jesse for a while now, but actually writing that letter has put me at ease. Now, what to do with Chlo?! I have willingly let her into my world and see how truly broken I am. She is the only person who knows about my thoughts involving Jesse and the shenanigans I've pursued. I can tell she cares for me, but something on the inside longs for that care to be deeper than just being my best friend. When I was younger I wrote poems and now reading them I must say man was I really emotional as a teen, but one of the many poems I've written really speaks to me now.

No Promises

Standing forever in the background of your life

Oh how you put my heart in much strife.

You give me a smile and oh how I wish you were mine

But I'll take anything just to be with you even just friends is fine.

Just hearing you talk sends my heart into a flutter

And when I respond all I can do is st-stutter.

The mere thought of you can bring me to my knees

Oh why'd you have to become my disease!

Slowly killing me on the inside to know you'll never know

Of the pain I'm going through but won't ever let show.

A simple look into my eyes

And you'll see the desire my heart cries!

But never will you take the time

To even listen to this rhyme.

So I'll look upon your face seeing that it holds no promises

But soft is the beauty about which has brought me to this heart felt crisis!

I'm thinking I might just be in love with her. I'm scared of this fact. Not because she's my best friend, but because I'm not sure about my sexuality. I've been pursued by both sexes and normally only entertained a few of the girls. I'm really not sure why I did that. I'm not scared of guys, but there's always this inner pull I get from the girls. Am I gay or am I bisexual? I've kissed both genders, but I honestly don't remember how they felt seeing as I was seeking something special. What am I to do?! I don't want to pursue anything with Chloe till I have this sexuality issue figured out. But at the same time I just want to forego the labels and just be. But I don't want to be questioned about my uncertainty. GAH! Why does this have to be so hard?!

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The poem is my personal writing.