A/N: I was listening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay as I wrote this, hence the lyrics. I've never tried my hand at something so emotional before, so please R&R. Thanks! And disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, this letter would never need to be written.
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Dear Sirius,
I feel a bit foolish writing to a dead man. That's what you are, you know; dead. I told everyone I was fine. Told myself I was fine. That I had been without you for 12 years. I could handle this. But I cant. Back then at least I knew I hated you. Knew I was supposed to, at least. I could tell myself over and over again that you didn't deserve my broken heart, that you were the reason I was alone. That everything you've ever said to me, everything I thought we had was a lie. I don't have that hatred to hide behind this time.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
It took me a while to realize it. I saw you fall, saw that subtle change in your eyes as you fell through the veil. As death took you from me. I knew you were dead, but I didn't realize you'd be gone.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
It's silent now, all the time. I swear though, it's the loudest silence I've ever heard. It beats down, throbs against my ears, squeezes tight, never releases. It's cold and bitter. A cruel taunt at what I've lost, what's gone. I want so badly to hear your laugh, Pads. That bark of a laugh that's really too loud. That could fill an empty room in seconds with warmth and safety and you. I can't hear it anymore. It's just silent.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
I told myself over and over again that I needed to accept it. That I wont wake up with you anymore, that I'll never have your arms wrapped around me again, that I wont be able to look, really look, into your eyes anymore. They said I should remember the happy moments, to be thankful for the time I got to spend with you. But I'm not thankful. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. I remember that day in autumn when you jumped into the leaves and pulled me with you and we laid there for hours talking about nothing and everything all at once. I can't look fondly on that day, Sirius. I can't remember what it was like to be that happy. I cant remember how it felt anymore. It's bitter now. All I know is what it cost. You took everything from me when you left.
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
I'd stopped thinking about you for a while. I thought I was finally getting adjusted. Everything seemed normal again. But one day I went out to get milk and wrote a quick note to you, saying I wouldn't be gone long. I realized what I was doing when I went to put it on the table. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I sobbed for hours, shaking. I couldn't breathe, it felt like the skin was pulled taught against my chest. You're in my head, Sirius. You're stuck there.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
February 28th passed. I still remember that day. It was the best of my life, you know. When you stood in front of me, trembling, adopting James' affinity for running your hands through your hair. I still remember what you told me. Word for word.
"Rem, I know I sound like a lunatic and I know you must think me mad, but it's really your fault you know. You made me like this. How can I not notice the way your hair falls into your eyes when you're concentrating, really concentrating on something, or that you trace the scars on your neck when you're nervous, or that shy smile you give when you get a compliment, or how your eyes light up when you're feeling particularly mischievous, or the hopeless look you give me when I've missed something important? And somehow you don't even see it, don't even realize what you do to me. I love that I can annoy you and prompt you to put on that stern face, making a show when really you're hiding a smile. I love that you and me can share looks that no one else understands. I love that laugh that only I can get out of you that makes your whole face light up. And I love you, Remus. I know this could ruin our friendship, but I love you. Properly love you. I've always been selfish, Rem, and you've always understood so I'm risking it all and I just need you to say something now because I fear I may faint from the lack of oxygen getting to my brain."
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
And then I kissed you. And it was clumsy and perfect. Because we needed it, needed each other. And while I was think about all this, I realized I couldn't remember what you tasted like anymore. I used to remember it so vividly, it hurt to know what I couldn't have. But now it's just gone. I didn't even know it had left. I realized that it would all be gone, eventually. I used to wish that I wouldn't have to feel you anymore, beg for numbness. But this is worse. I don't want to forget you, Sirius. Nothing's changed. I still need you.
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I've been so tired. Exhausted. Most of all though, I just feel shattered. Not broken in two, but into millions of jagged pieces that don't seem to fit anymore. And I cling to it. Cling to you. Because despite how much it hurts, I just want to feel something. I dont want to be hollow. I just want you.
Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
You left me anlone, Sirius. I believed you when you said forever, you know. I'm not the same now. I'm not Moony anymore. I dont have anything left. It's just me. It's just Remus.
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
I miss you, Sirius.
Lights will guide you home
I love you,
And ignite your bones
always will.
And I will try to fix you
Love,
RJL