She's beautiful.
She's a startling, hidden beauty. Hers is not one that stands out; it's not striking and bold and the kind that turns heads.
Perhaps that's what Ray loves most about her; she's subtly stunning.
He likes to watch her; the way she's so cautious when she sneaks out of the dormitories of Mint Eye to go stargazing. The way she softly plods across the cold linoleum barefoot and closes the doors oh so gently, without a whisper or hint of creak.
He likes to watch her; the way she nimbly climbs up a tree and onto the roof. The soft gasp she makes whenever she gazes up at the night sky and the view takes her breath away. The way her eyes shine like stars under the silver light. The way that same, sweet smile crosses her face every time she sits on that rooftop.
Treacherous thoughts begin to cross his mind the longer he watches her. He wants to be the one to take her breath away. He wants to be the one to make her eyes shine. He wants that sweet, sweet smile to be for him, and him only.
It's frightening how much Ray desires her; he doesn't think he's ever felt that way towards anyone before.
For his Savior, he only feels admiration—she's the one who found him, accepted him, cared for him when no one else did.
For his brother, he only feels a seething anger—he abandoned him, left him when he found something better.
Ray's not entirely sure how he feels about his mother, or that strange man V—what few memories of them he had, had long disappeared into the figments of his imagination.
But her.
She's the only person who was genuinely kind to him, with her sparkling eyes and gentle voice and soft touches and kind smile.
She's the only person who takes the time every day to walk with him in the gardens, who makes easy conversation, who manages to elicit laughs every time they talk, who keeps that hidden part of him at bay.
Ray knows, he knows, she's the only one who can keep that other character, Saeran, from coming out. Saeran, who is angry and bitter and violent. Saeran who hates everything and everyone. Saeran, who he fears the most.
But she, she's never shied away from him, whether he was Saeran or Ray. She was soothing, no matter who he was, and as Ray, he knows of how much he cares, loves her. And as Ray, he's also conscious of how much Saeran adores her.
She cares for both of them greatly, that much Ray can tell. But despite her knowing both sides of him, he only wants to show her Ray. Only Ray. Never Saeran.
Ray is a man who loves deeply, so kindly. Ray is unselfish. Ray is kind. Ray is a gentle soul who would never hurt her.
Saeran is bitter and broken. Saeran is too selfish for her, too malicious, too sadistic. Saeran is angry and destroyed.
That part of him doesn't deserve her and her ever loving soul and genuine kindness and Ray doesn't ever want to share her with Saeran.
Even so, as she falls asleep at the top of the rooftop, even as he takes her into his arms as Ray, and takes her back to her rooms, he hears the seductive whispers of Saeran in the farthest pits of his mind, chanting in a mantra: take her. take her. take her. make her yours.
He fights that part of him; he doesn't want to be like Saeran. Ray wants to be better than Saeran, a better man for her.
It's what she deserves.
—
Her eyes are closed as she lies against the floor of the rooftop.
Is she asleep?
Ray can't help but watch her from his spot.
Her chest moving up and down as she breathes, the way her eyelids flutter, the soft sighs she makes.
He allows himself those few moments, before he shoves down his desire and goes to pick her up from the floor and take her back to her room.
As Ray slips his arms underneath her small body, her eyes open, dreary with exhaustion. She yawns, squirming in his arms, and her eyelids blink several more times, before they stare up at his with absolute clarity.
"Ray? What are you doing here?" she asks quietly.
The answer bursts from his mouth before he can control it. "I was waiting for you to fall asleep so I could take her back."
She blinks again, peering up at him, and he feels his breath hitch.
Even half awake in his arms, she's still wonderfully beautiful.
Her pale skin that shone in the dim light, her soft hair like silk against his arm, the way her body fit so perfectly in his arms—
"You've been following me?" Her voice rises to an embarrassed squeak and he feels his face burn.
"Just a little bit," he admits. "Do you want me to set you down?"
"Please."
He complies and she looks up at him. She's about a head shorter than he is and he wants nothing more than to pull her closer to his chest, to feel her warmth against his constantly frigid cold body.
"How did you know I came up here?" she asks, her voice softer.
Ray scratches his head. With her in such close proximity, his thoughts are muddled and murky and he fumbles for his words.
"I—er…I was on night duty and I kept seeing you sneak out of your room, so I followed you. And you kept falling asleep up here, and I didn't want you to get in trouble with the Savior, so I took you back to your room every night."
Ray's not entirely sure on how he manages solid sentences, but she accepts his explanation with a small nod and plops down on the rooftop floor.
"Sit with me, Ray."
The words are a melody to his ears and he obliges, taking a seat next to her.
"The night sky is my favorite sky," she says, her voice just a little wistful. "It's endless and just so pretty."
He nods along, but his traitorous thoughts hum, you're so pretty. I want to hold you.
He swallows the thought; he can't, won't make her his. It's only short of a miracle he gets to be with her, in this moment.
Because, as much as he wants her, needs her, he could never have her.
Why would she pick him, when she could have anyone else?
As if reading his mind, she rises from her seat, and he thinks, she's going to leave. She's going to leave me.
But against all odds, she smiles down at him, a radiant goddess, and offers her hand.
"Ray. Dance with me?"
He blinks at her request. Dance?
"There's no music," he says and she merely shrugs.
"So? Dance with me, Ray."
Her eyes are shining in the moonlight and his heart skips a beat; it's because of him.
"Okay."
He takes her hand and stands up. She gently moves his hands into position: one hand on her waist, other hand entwined with hers.
She drapes her other arm over his shoulder and offers him a breath-taking smile that stops his heart completely.
"Can you dance well?" he breathes, desperately trying to ignore the war in his heart.
She grins at him wider, and god, he thinks he's dreaming.
"Not really, so take it slow?"
Ray nods his agreement and they begin to sway back and forth, circling around the rooftop. He lifts his arm to twirl her and she laughs, pure and pleasant.
The atmosphere is tranquil as they spin around the rooftop and the stars hum above them, with the cool moon lingering nearby.
"Thank you," he blurts out, and she tilts her head curiously at him.
"What for?"
"Asking me to dance with you. It's more than I could ever ask for," he confesses.
Perhaps it is his over-eager mind, but he thinks he sees a dust of pink across her pale cheeks and his heart flutters once again.
"If it makes you that happy, we'll dance up here every night, okay?"
She goes on her tiptoes and bumps her forehead gently against his. He feels a genuine smile spread across his face and he reciprocates the gesture.
"Okay. I'd like that," he whispers and she hums, her body wavering unsteadily, before she goes slack against his chest.
Ray smiles and brushes his hand against her silky hair, before picking her up in his arms.
You're more than I could've hoped for.
As he makes his way down the roof and to their rooms, he longs to press his lips against hers, kiss her breathless, kiss her awake, kiss her to sleep, kiss her when they wake up.
Saeran's voice is louder in his head as the thoughts enter his mind: do it! What are you waiting for, you coward?
Yes, maybe Ray is a coward, but he doesn't want to share a kiss with her like that.
If Ray ever gets to kiss her, he wants it to be up on the rooftops, under that pale, ethereal moon, under the shimmering stars, under the indigo sky.
He prods her room door open with his foot and winces at it creaks open. She doesn't stir, thankfully, and neither does anyone else in her hall. Ray enters her room and carefully sets her down on her bed.
She mumbles something indistinct in her sleep and turns on her side, curling into a ball.
Ray smiles at the sight and he pulls the blankets over her, before exiting. He does his best to not steal a glance at the sleeping beauty as he leaves.
—
Ray collapses onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. His breaths are short and quick from running away from her hall as quickly as he could; if he stayed any longer, he might've gone back to her room. He might've given into his desires, kissed her once or twice, maybe three times, and slept besides her on the mattress, or even on the floor.
But he doesn't stay and Saeran is strangely quiet in his head as his heart begins to settle and his labored breaths develop into something calmer and more consistent.
He closes his eyes and curls into a ball against the wall in an attempt to fall asleep, but his mind is awake and wandering and he eventually pulls himself out of bed to go to the window.
The stars are sprinkled across the midnight skies, like a dash of freckles across pale cheeks, and the moon is ever present, untouchable, yet unearthly beautiful.
The whole scene reminds him of the dance he had shared with her and he smiles dreamily, replaying the moment in his head.
There's a faint echo of Saeran waking up and hissing at his 'soft' thoughts, but Ray ignores him in favor of just enjoying that small moment of pleasure.
Maybe Ray could never have her. Maybe Ray could never be able to wake her up with sunbeam kisses, or make her smile, or take her breath away, or see those stars in her eyes every day.
But at this moment, just as the sun begins to peek over the horizon, as the stars fade away, Ray is simply content with being in love with the girl of moonbeams and shimmering stars.