jump then fall

by mellieforyellie

"I pinkie promise." It was the start of a love that could never have it's happy ending.

disclaimer: nope, nope. sorry. that would be JK Rowling.
dedication: uhm, uhm – to the pensieve scene in DH2.
notes1: most of the time, when i do hp – by this i mean read, because i don't write it – fandom, its drarry. but…THAT SCENE.
notes2: it made me cry. i mean, i read the books a while back, but it didn't hit me as much as it did in the movie.
notes3: therefore, i bring you this.
notes4: (kid snape was adorable. jussayin'.)
summary: "I pinkie promise." It was the start of a love that could never have it's happy ending.
pairing: severus/lily.
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Severus had always known he had been different.

He had always been this way – special, not like the other kids. He grew up around it, after all. His mum was magical, and he had grown up accustomed to it, whether it be that he lived in a muggle neighbourhood or not.

(Well, to be specific, he lived in the countryside, but it was still in a non-magical area.)

Sure, he didn't know much magic yet – just those useful ones, like a quick cleaning charm for his room – but hey, he had the potential. That was something, right? More than muggles could say.

He tried not to be spiteful toward them, but sometimes, he couldn't help it.

After all, who was Mother to say that muggles were good people, too? Yes, yes, Father was a muggle, but they fought all the time, over stupid things. So what if Father didn't like her using magic in the house? If she had the ability, she should be able to use it however and whenever she wanted, in Severus's mind.

He remembered the first time his mum taught him to use a cleaning charm, using the dishes as his test subject.

"Just like that, Sevie," she had said, smiling at him, wrapping his hand around her wand, showing him how to wave it just so. "Yes! Brilliant! You're a natural, just like your mum."

She had kissed his cheek, as his father had come in, raging.

"What the bloody hell is this?" he had demanded, and Severus swallowed, intent on continuing the spell.

"He's doing his first spell, Tobias," his mother said, trying to shush her husband. "He needs concentration."

Father had snapped, ripping the wand out of the boy's hand and tossing it across the room, not even flinching at the sound of several dishes crashing to the floor.

"He doesn't need anything, Eileen!" he yelled. "Stop trying to teach him things he'll eventually learn, anyway!"

But Severus loved learning magic – especially from his mother's gentle, guiding hands and calm voice.

He really couldn't stand muggles, sometimes.

It only made it all that much worse when he met Lily.

- you are a witch. there's nothing wrong with that. my mom's one, and i'm a wizard. –

One day, when he had headed down to the park to escape another fight between his parents, he had first seen her.

Severus knew she was special from the moment he saw her, beautiful red hair soaring in the wind, her beautiful smile, and soft red lips upon a face of creamy white skin. And when he saw her floating in the air, with a grace no muggle could possess, he knew she was like him.

He loved everything about her, even though he didn't know her name yet. She was already the focus of his life, now and forever.

"Mummy said you weren't allowed, Lily!" the girl's older sister said, catching up to the younger girl.

Lily, Severus thought to himself, repeating it over and over again in his head. Lily.

It fit so well. Her body was so delicately slim, her smile so inviting, her skin so fair – just like a blooming lily.

Their first days together were those of learning; for Lily, of the magical world, that she had been blindly born into, and for Severus, of the finer aspects of people – and, more specifically, women.

"You're kinda awkward, ya know?" she had told him one day, as they were lying in the grass, watching the clouds go by.

"That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody," he said offhandedly, quoting her from the day they met. "Even if it's true."

"I'll break you of it one day, Sev," she said, rolling over onto her stomach to face him, holding out her pinkie finger. "Promise."

And he had rolled over, smiled, and intertwined his pinkie with hers. It was the Unbreakable Vow of children, and Severus knew that as long as they both lived, she would remember this.

- you've got loads of magic. i saw that. –

A week before they were scheduled to start at Hogwarts, both children had received their letter of needed materials. Lily had walked up sheepishly to Severus one day in the park, and said, "Um, Sev, I've no clue how to get these books. They're not in any bookstore I know."

"Of course not," he had said, trying not to look down at her for the ignorance she couldn't help. "They're all in Diagon Alley."

"Diagon Alley?" she repeated. "What's that?"

"It's like a Wizarding Marketplace, of sorts," he explained. "It's one of the only places you could go to get your supplies."

"Would you take me there?" Lily asked, her bright, green eyes large and doe-like, and Severus couldn't help but become enchanted by them.

"Of course," he blurted. "I'll take you tomorrow, even, if you'd like."

"Great!" she exclaimed, grinning widely at him. She pecked his cheek, before running off back home, yelling out to him, "I'll meet you here at noon!"

For a moment, he stood there, dazed, at what had just occurred. And then, he had smiled, feeling so special, knowing that he was the only one who could take her to where she needed to go.

The next day, she met him promptly at twelve o' clock, and Severus was very delighted to see that she was wearing a dress – nonetheless, a very flattering dress, with a peachy colour that accentuated her creamy skin.

"You look lovely," he told her, smiling shyly.

She flushed red for a moment, before smiling brightly back up at him. "Let's go, then."

In truth, the only way Severus knew how to get to Diagon Alley was by Floo powder, which he was certain Lily had no idea about. And the only fireplace he knew he could easily access by Floo was his own, which was something that his father might have a problem with.

Luckily for them, his father was working that day, and his mother was at the muggle marketplace, for groceries. He taught her how to use the Floo, telling her to speak the name very carefully ("Die-ah-gone Alley. Got it?"), and made her go first.

"A – Are you sure, Sev?" Lily asked nervously, swallowing. "I – I'm not sure if I'll do it right…"

"That's why you're going first," he said, urging her into the fireplace. "The fireplace will know where you've gone, and then I'll be able to find you, should you mess up."

Okay, so perhaps that was a lie. But it got her to go into the fireplace, didn't it?

"Alright," she said, finally, grabbing a handful of the grey powder, before throwing it to the floor and yelling, "Diagon Alley!"

Thank Merlin she got it right, he thought, relieved. I don't know what I would have done, had she said it wrong…

He followed her soon after, greeting her with a "Congratulations!" on her first successful Floo powder trip. She smiled and laughed, and urged him to guide her through the unfamiliar place.

"That'll be sixty-five Galleons," the registrar harrumphed as he handed back the textbooks to the redhead, holding out his hands.

"Galleons?" she said, confused. "Why, I've only got pounds here…"

"Tch," the old man scoffed, eyeing her with distaste. "Must be a mudblood, you…"

"Do not call her that," Severus snapped, handing over the coins, and grabbing Lily's arm to usher her out of the store. "C'mon, Lily, we're done with books now – "

"What's a mudblood?" she asked him, confused, as she was led out into the cobblestone street. "Sev, answer me!"

"It's an insult to muggleborns," he explained, suddenly feeling a tad guilty for using the term so often. "It's calling them 'dirty blood,' basically."

She blinked, before her cheeks flared red. "Well, that was quite rude of him!" she exclaimed, as her black-haired companion tried to continue her along as she drew attention to them among the crowd. "I should go back and give him a piece of my mind – !"

"Look, Lily, let's just go get quills and ink now, okay?"

She sighed, looking sideways at him, who was looking nervously at his wringing hands, and bit the inside of her cheek. "Alright, fine. Let's go."

He sighed in relief. He hated having attention drawn to him – he was a Slytherin, and therefore tended to be silent and invisible, a bit like a snake before striking.

"Hey, Sev," she pondered, poking him in the side as they entered the supply store. "Why didn't you get any books?"

"I already have them," he answered nonchalantly, picking up a couple quills as he browsed the aisles. "Hogwarts curriculum hasn't changed much, really. Mum dug them out from her old trunk."

"Then why'd you pay for me?"

"Because you couldn't pay, obviously."

"What's wrong with pounds?"

"It's muggle money," he explained, handing her several quills as well. "You can't use muggle money in a wizarding market."

"Oh," Lily replied, sheepishly. "I wasn't really aware that there was a different system. Probably should have thought of that, huh?"

He smiled at her. "Perhaps. Too late now, though."

"Well," she said, picking out a quill for herself, before Severus shook his head at her and put it back, "then I suppose I'll just have to pay you back, then, won't I?"

"No, you won't be," he said, firmly, before setting several ink canisters in their basket. "Consider it a gift."

He really wasn't going to note that it had cost about eighty pounds, which was a bit expensive for him. But he felt special again, knowing that he had done something only he could help her with.

All in all, when the day was over with, he had probably spent near two hundred galleons on her – and, therefore, all of his savings. But it was worth it, he decided, to be able to see the smile on her face at the promise of Hogwarts, of magic and adventure, to be able to feel her lips, warm on his cheek as she softly murmured "Thank you, Sev," into his ear.

I've fallen completely, he thought to himself that night, staring up at the ceiling as he attempted to fall asleep. I've fallen completely, madly, and totally in love with her.

- but we're going! this is it! we're off to hogwarts! –

Severus's mother was no longer a beautiful, young woman anymore. She was no longer full of life, of love, of magic – no, his father had taken all of those things from her. His father had taken away the Mum he held so dear, the Mum who had taught him his first spell, who had watched him speak his first words ("Muh-me! Mummy!"), who had seen his first steps.

Now, she was a bitter woman, stress having taken away her gorgeous complexion and most of her appetite, leaving her with a too-skinny body and a too-pale, slightly green skin colour.

"I'll miss you, Sevie," she said, and for a second, her eyes glimmered like they used to. Then, she smiled weakly at him, kissed his cheek, and left, not even bothering to see him off.

He watched as Lily tried to salvage whatever relationship she had left with her muggle sister, that of which was obviously not working. He sighed, wishing that he could convince her to forget her family, something that would be practically impossible to accomplish.

As he tried to follow her onto the train, she glared at him, before soundlessly stomping off into the crowd where he could not follow. He sighed, deciding to change into his robes and giving her a bit to cool off before he tried finding her again.

And just his luck, he had run into that bloody Potter, who would turn into his greatest rival, his greatest competitor, and his greatest hatred.

"Silly Sev," Lily had told him, once they had slipped into an empty compartment, one that had not been so before. "Why did you tell those boys off?"

"I didn't want a fuss," he murmured.

"It shouldn't matter if you want a fuss or not!" she said, firmly. "You gotta stand up for yourself!"

Severus mumbled unintelligibly, avoiding her stern gaze. She sighed, throwing her arms up in defeat at his attitude.

"I promised I would make you less awkward," she said, after a long pause. "You gotta cooperate a little, you know."

Severus smiled at her, and held out his pinky. "Alright, Lily. Promise."

"Promise."

And their pinkie's met once more.

– …thought we were supposed to be friends? best friends? –

"Hey, Sev, mind helping me with Potions?" Lily asked as she sat down beside him on the library bench, despite the odd looks from her Gryffindor friends. "I want to have it down before I have to pack for Christmas break."

"Sure," the boy responded, before beginning to look over the draft she had.

Christmas was fast approaching, and even though they could never understand her adventures at Hogwarts, she was desperate to see her family. Severus thought, with slight contempt, about how he would be staying at the castle for the holiday vacation, for the third year in a row.

"Wow, thanks," she said with slight awe, as she rolls up the parchment containing her now completed Potions essay.

"I have a present for you, by the way," he says offhandedly as they walk down the corridor that leads to Gryffindor. "Can I, ahm, give it to you now?"

She blinks her long, red lashes for a moment, before weakly punching him in the arm. "If you wanted to give me a present, then you should have just given it to me, silly."

He blushes, flustered as they stop in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Of course…"

"That's that awkward thing we talked about, Sev," she taunts, as he murmurs a spell. A cage comes flying at them, and Lily jumps, startled.

"Sorry," Severus murmurs, catching the cage holding a squawking bird with a fumble. "Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to Accio an owl…"

She gave him a blank stare, before bursting out into laughter. "Haha! O – Oh, Merlin! That was – haha! – bloody hilarious!"

He smiled sheepishly, laughing a bit awkwardly along with her. After all, if he couldn't laugh at himself, what right did he have to laugh at anyone else?

"Oh, Merlin," she chuckled, wiping tears from her eyes, "this is why I love you sometimes, Severus."

He froze, staring wide-eyed at the girl before him, whom he had been in love with for so long – and she was saying she loved him. This was something he had daydreamed about constantly, that he had thought about whenever he saw her beauty reflect off her copper-red hair, whenever he saw her rosy lips turn up into a smile.

"Y – You love me?" he stuttered out, unbelieving, his face blushing a dark red.

"Well, of course I do, Sev, you're – " she stopped, seeing his embarrassed expression, before flushing herself. "Well, I – ahm, didn't mean it quite that way."

"Oh," he murmured, looking anywhere but at her.

"Well, now that you mention it…"

He felt a tug at his neck from the tie, and, suddenly – he was kissing her, or she was kissing him, but it really didn't matter at that point to him, because they were kissing. His brows rose up in delight as his eyelids fluttered shut, his free hand reaching to wrap lightly around her waist. He kissed her back, ever so slightly, loving the feeling of her lips against his.

As she pulled away, her warm hand rested on his chest, over his heart, and murmured, "I already have an owl, you know."

"I know," he replied. "But this one is special – it'll only be for us, 'kay?"

"Alright," she says. A pause, and then, "Uhm, still friends, right?"

He smiles at her, even though he desperately wants to be more – but she's worth the wait, he concedes, and replies, "The best."

– i'm sorry. –

Severus knows that what he did was wrong, that he should have never called her that – it was a dumb, dumb thing to do. But he was hurt, and embarrassed, and having a girl come to his aid in front of those arseholes?

He never, ever meant to call her that.

Then again, he never really had a right to call anyone that, despite the fact that he was supposed to be a Death Eater once he got out of Hogwarts — he was only a Half-Blood, with a filthy, Muggle father.

His attempt at apologizing had not been fruitful – she completely ignored him, with accusations that he had been thinking that the whole time they were there. He hated that contemptuous look she gave him, usually reserved for Potter, as she asked "Why should I be any different?"

She should know! It had been so obvious! Hadn't he made it known through the years just what his feelings for her were?

So, he sat down at his desk and began to write a letter.

Lily,
I still can't express my apologies to the name I referred to you – I…I shouldn't even have the right to call anyone that myself.
Do you really want to know why you're so different? Why…why you shouldn't deserve that name? If you do, meet me at the Astronomy Tower at six pm tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Severus.

He hoped that would work, as he sealed the envelope and carefully placed it in Nemesis's beak, and the pure, raven-black owl took off to deliver it to the Gryffindor Tower.

As Severus headed out of his last class of the day, he glanced at the time. Five pm – enough time to get him to the Astronomy Tower, and to be able to wait for her. He decided he would wait until eight, because he knew that if she went at all, she would make him wait for it.

And sure enough, ten minutes to eight, she was there.

"Well?" Lily asked, not looking at him. "I came."

"That's great," he said, happy that she came, no matter her sour disposition. "I – "

"Severus," she said firmly, looking him straight in the eye. "I want answers."

He blinked, pursed his lips and looked away. Well, she had her priorities straight.

"You want to know why you're so different?" he said, thinking back to everything he had ever loved about her. "You're different because…because you never fail to make me smile, even when you're mad at me or you're angry in general. You're different because you're beautiful, especially without silly make-up on, when I can see your perfect, soft skin and your long lashes. You're different because your hair always seems to float on air, because whenever you smile you brighten my whole day. You're different because there's always a spring in your step, like no matter what the circumstance, you have something to look forward to, even after a bad day. You're different because you're bright and you're feisty, and you're the most interesting girl I've ever known and ever will known.

"Lily, you're different because I love you."

Her expression softened, the contempt gone in her eyes, replaced by what he hoped was love. "Sev, I…"

He moved forward swiftly, catching her in his arms, burying his face into her hair, keeping her as close to him as he could.

"Lily, my heart beats only for you," he whispered. "And it has, since the day we met."

"Sev…"

The boy, now practically a man, turned his head to kiss her, and was delighted when he found no resistance. Their lips meshed together gently, in a lovers embrace. It was like a dream for Severus, to be kissing his true love, like he had wanted to for so many years.

"I…I can't, Severus," she said, squirming from his embrace as he went to kiss her once more. "I'm…I'm dating James Potter."

And suddenly, Severus's whole world froze, all in that single instant. He could feel his blood run cold, at the thought of that…that scoundrel kissing her lips – the very same he had just been occupied with –, of touching her perfect skin.

Lily looked away, almost apologetically, before she left with only a whisper of,

"I'm sorry."

– i thought…you were going…to keep her…safe… –

The cries of Bellatrix Lestrange woke Severus from his haze, her screeching voice able to resonate throughout the whole manor.

"The Dark Lord – he's gone! How could this happen?"

He took no note of the distraught woman, a senseless, fanatical follower of the Dark Lord. He stormed out of the house, and once he was off of the premesis, he Apparated straight to the entrance to Godric's Hollow. No living soul was on the street, or even looking out of their windows, wishing to stay quite alive.

He knew which house was Lily's – he had sent enough (unanswered) letters to her to know that much. He walked in through the open window, already broken down by, surely, the Dark Lord.

Severus eyed the body of James with no particular interest, just a bit happy to see the bloody arse dead. He grew anxious, hoping that maybe, just maybe Lily had killed the Dark Lord, that they could still have their happy ending –

And then, in a flash of lightening, he spotted her crumpled body lying on the floor, beneath a crib that occupied a wailing baby. He fell to his knees, tears filling his eyes.

"No…" he whispered over and over again. "No, no, no. Not her – why her?"

He could see the creamy expanse of her skin paling, becoming cold and flaxen. Her beautiful, emerald eyes that were once full of such life, such joy, were now dead, flat. Her expression was fixed in one of brave fear; yes, she knew she was going to die tonight.

He held her body close to his as tears leaked from his eyes, and he told himself he would love her for all eternity.

It's a promise, he thought, as he hooked his pinkie with hers.

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ending notes: so. started writing this at like 12. finished at 6. i was on a roll with this, like a boss, and i was not going to mess that up. so, yeah. i now heavily ship snape/lily. and whatever happened was my headcanon, and although i attempted to research as much as i could, i haven't reread the books in a couple years, so it might not all be accurate.