This is just a random idea that popped in my head yesterday while working on my next chapter for Road Trip :) Some implied pairings, but it's mostly funny stuff in here (I think...)
Hope you guys enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers. Sadly.
Grocery Shopping
[8-11-15]
Thor Odinson -Asgardian, god of thunder and the proud son of Odin- happily walked to the kitchen in the communal floor, in need of some glorious sustenance.
He had just came back from Asgard after a month's absence, visiting Frigga, Odin, his good old friends and making sure that Loki wasn't causing mayham as always. Loki was locked up again for disturbing the peace of Asgard and Odin belived his punishment should be to not go back to the forsaken ball of dirt Thor had grown fond of, instead, staying in Asgard and being locked away...which was even worse the more Odin thought about it.
But at least all was merry in Thor's home. That's all that mattered.
Or so he thought right after opening the fridge, finding absolutely nothing other than expired pickles and frozen cotton candy. Or spider webs. Could be both.
Thor began to wonder about Natasha's hobbies.
As he pondered on, Thor missed Clint popping out of a vent next to him, who landed perfectly without a problem.
The archer was also hungry and wanted food. He peered at the refrigerator and frowned in disappointment at the choices presented to him. Pickles and spider webs. Edible and not edible. Ew and fuck, no. Why would anyone want to fucking eat spider webs in the first place? Please.
Clint nudged Thor, shaking him out of his stupor. Thor frowned at the action before beaming like always. Why is he always so damn happy?
"Friend Clint! I am delighted to see you again after departing to Asgard!" Thor boomed and the cup on the table had a very visible crack in it. Clint put the glass out of its misery and looked at Thor again. That happened sometimes.
Thor slammed the fridge close and both men could easily hear the pickle jar explode inside, the inside now smelling like rotten eggs and pigs feet that had been expired for far too long. The god shrugged in return and sat on a stool. "I need sustenance, Friend Clint."
"Already devoured the poptarts again, Thor?"
Thor grinned and went to check the cupboard, but returned empty handed. He frowned. Surely nobody would dare mess with the son of Odin's belongings, not after experiencing the wrath of the God of thunder that was definitely 10x worse than Hulk himself. Or maybe this was one of Loki's mischiefs. After all, Asgard isn't really known for having the best security in the world. But their jail cells were fancy as hell..."No poptarts, friend Clint. What a disappointed, do you not believe so?"
"Well, since you've restricted all access on your poptarts for the umpteenth time...then, no." Clint smirked.
"It was for good reason! I hardly believe I have done anything sinful to my friends!" Thor defended himself. He raised Mjölnir as he spoke, a little spark of electricity flaring up and the hammer hit the chandelier. All power from the light got drained and Clint was sure the god created a blackout within the tower.
"Now you did," The archer quipped and snickered as he patted Thor on the back. "You are SO getting in trouble!"
"Not if I destroy the evidence, I will not!" Thor looked at the chandelier and grinned bashfully, swinging his hammer around in circles. "Have at thee, diamonds on strings!"
And so, Thor had destroyed the chandelier rather happily, the glass raining down on them. Clint shielded himself with Thor's cape and watched the scene unfold in front of him.
Then, something disastrous happened.
All hell has broke loose.
Thor was SO SO SO SO SO in trouble.
So when the chandelier came raining down on them, the wires came tumbling down as well and unfortunately, one of the wires touched a wet spot the broken glass had spilled when Clint placed it out of its misery. Flames began to engulf the countertop and both men were scrambling out of harm's way...well, more out of Thor's way actually.
"Damn, Thor, you have really outdone yourself this time!" Clint said as he landed on his ass on the floor. His eyes wandered about the kitchen and his gaze landed on one of Tony's bamboo plants, all healthy and pretty and moist. Clint huffed as he grabbed the plant, ripped it out of its life source and threw it somewhere. He took the pot and dumped the dirt all over the flames.
"Friend Clint, such a waste of life! Thou be ashamed of such actions!" Thor frowned and grabbed Mjölnir.
Clint rolled his eyes and gawked when the fire expanded to the cabinets. Oh god. This isn't fucking good. Someone help him...anyone else but Thor. Never Thor. Thor was disastrous.
And his thoughts were concluded as Thor brought Mjölnir down the table, screaming, "BY LOKI AND ODIN'S BEARD, THY BALLS OF FIRE SHALL PERISH UNDER MY TOUCH! HAVE AT THEE NEFARIOUS DEVILS!" And he brought the hammer down. Clint was done.
The fire was still raging and Thor was confused. He had obviously threatened the balls of firery dispair, so why weren't they gone yet?
Gasp! They must be brave enough to go up against the son of Odin then. How dare they?!
NOBODY DEFEATS THE SON OF ODIN.
As if on cue, Natasha walks in with an expressionless face. Her expressionless eyes were focused on the fucking fire and she stomped over to a cabinet, grabbing a glass jar and smashing it on the ground, the glass breaking and flour spilling everywhere. The fire poofed away and the boys were gawking at her, awed.
"Children," She muttered.
"Lady Natasha, I am amazed at how marvelous you handled this situation!" Thor boomed. He walked around his mess and laughed spontaneously. "Now the Man of Iron will never blame me for this most unfortunate accident! I destroyed the evidence, Friend Clint! You have been proven wrong."
Natasha gave Clint a look and he shrugged in response.
As Thor walked around, he passed the fridge (which was a bit ajar) and his cape got stuck around the corner. He frowned as he turned around to confront this beast who dares attack the mighty god. When Thor saw his cape tangled with the fridge, he merely grinned at such foolishness and yanked his cape away. Unfortunately, with such unnecessary force, he slipped on the flour and the fridge was now wide open, unleashing its wrath of pickles/pigs feet in front of the god's face. With one whiff, Thor started to gag in disgust.
"Oh! What sort of *gag* trickery is *gag* this?! This foul stench *gag* has risen from the *gag* *gag* *gag*…OH BY ODINS BEARD! *GAG*" Thor wheezed as he stumbled upright, only to gag again as the smell was everywhere. Natasha had fled to the other side of the kitchen, being it a spacious kitchen and shit. Clint popped himself into a vent for relief, only to fall back out as his safe haven was infiltrated with pickle stench. He crawled underneath the table, poking his head in between the redhead's legs.
The Asgardian, with all the mighty strength he had left, promptly fled as fast as he could, yelling stuff about Odin's beard and poptarts.
That's when Tony had decided to barge in, dragging his partner along and explaining some very heavy stuff that the Captain will never bother to understand in a hundred years or so. When the billionaire tuned around, he immediately grabbed Steve's shirt and clogged his nose with it. The Captain just pinched his nose and sealed his mouth shut. Oh dear.
Tony made a face that would've made the archer roll on his back all day, if Clint wasn't too busy stuffing his mouth with marshmallows to prevent the smell from creeping inside his mouth.
Tony scowled and waved his arms around at the kitchen. His countertops were destroyed, the fridge with the exploded pickles was open, and there was a broken glass jar with flour all over the room. Oh, and not to mention that there was also a hole on the roof where the chandelier should be. And his bamboo wasn't in the smashed pot. And there was also another hole on the floor. Everyone could hear Thor from the hole, since his floor is just downstairs.
Thor kept on gagging and everyone heard a loud thump, followed by a crash. Tony raised an eyebrow, Steve just sighed, Natasha shrugged and Clint was almost suffocating himself.
"THAT ATROCIOUS SCENT! WHY IS NOT DISAPPEARING? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH PUNISHMENT OF MORTALS?"
Tony facepalmed and struggled to turn around, but managed nicely. "What the fuck happened in here?"
"I'm only responsible for the flour." Natasha said, rolling her eyes at her partner in crime. "To stop the fire from spreading."
"There was a fire...?"
"Okay, look man," Clint choked out as he spat out all of the white fluff balls. One landed on Nat's boot and the archer scooted away incase the redhead hits him square in the face. He popped out of his hiding place, only to crawl back under from the smell. He gagged. "there was a fire. That's true. But dude! You got no fucking food! This is how this whole shit happened in the first place!"
"But there were pickles...and cotton candy..."
"Thor destroys everything, Tony." Clint simply replied.
"I DO NOT! I AM JUST VERY REMARKABLY STRONG!" Thor bellowed from below.
Tony smacked his face with his hands. Living with these buffoons was hell. But at least it made things more interesting in the tower. Even if he keeps on paying for damages left and right.
"...There was flour..."
"That's not food, Tony! We want food! I want food! I need food-"
"FRIEND CLINT IS CORRECT, MAN OF IRON! I NEED SUSTENANCE!"
Clint nodded feverishly. "Even Thor agrees-"
"I HAVE ALWAYS NEEDED SUSTENANCE SINCE...SINCE I CAME BACK! I APOLOGIZE, I DO NOT REMEMBER THE TIME I ENTERED IN THIS ROOM OF SUSTENANCE!"
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT," Tony yelled. He rarely yells unless he's really really really angry. "Shut the fuck up, you barnacles!"
"I get that reference!" Steve smiled, feeling ridiculously proud. Natasha sent Steve a look and he merely shrugged in return. "We were watching Spongebob. He called me Squidward." Steve frowned at his boyfriend. "I am not a squid."
Tony snickered. "You don't get that reference."
"Of course he doesn't, Eugene." Natasha wore a smug smile and Clint snorted.
"Hey! I am not fat..." Tony frowned, covering his belly.
"You don't get that reference."
"Oh, ha ha, Pearl."
"Pearl? Really, I thought of her as Mrs. Puff..." Clint wondered out loud and Tony was laughing. "You know, big head, big eyes..."
Nat raised an eyebrow at him. Really? Puff the spiky fish? "Well, I guess having a big head and big eyes is a good thing if it means I can kick your ass, Plankton. Even if that's Eugene's job."
Clint gawked at her and then at Tony, who looked rather nefarious with that smirk. "I am not small! I am not fucking green! I want food!"
"Aw, you want a Krabby Patty, Plankton?" Tony cooed at him.
"I DO NOT KNOW OF THIS PATTY OF KRABBY, BUT I DESIRE ONE!" Thor yelled as walked into the kitchen, an oxygen mask on his face as he swung Mjölnir around.
Tony and Clint sputtered and laughed their asses off as they watched Thor in the mask. Natasha rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Steve just stood there. Bruce was nowhere to be found.
"Okay, okay," Tony wheezed as he tried to regain his composure. He smirked and sighed in relief, his belly aching from the laughter. "I'll give Steve my credit card so you barnacles can do your little shopping. Just bring me lots of coffee and beer. The good kinds." He pointed to Clint.
Clint nodded happily and gave him a mock salute.
"You can get that yourself, Tony. You're coming with us." Steve said with a smile. He wrapped an arm around his waist and brought him closer. Tony pouted. "Everyone is coming. No exceptions. We'll use this time for group bonding."
"But I don't want to bond..."
"I'm just going for the food, man."
"Do I have a choice?"
"I WANT A PATTY OF KRABBY!"
Steve rubbed his temples and looked at his teammates. They were such asshats sometimes. "Thor, you don't have to yell anymore. We can hear you just fine."
Thor nodded sheepishly.
"We'll all meet up in 10 minutes at the living room. No questions. And I'll need that card, Tony," Steve glanced at the billionaire.
Tony shook his head and untangled himself from his boyfriend's grasp, walking back to his floor. "Sorry baby cakes, but since I'm coming because I have no other fucking choice, I'll be in charge of my own stuff. No offense, Squidward."
"I don't like that reference." The super soldier frowned and trailed after Tony.
Clint looked at the duo before taking in everything, from the ceiling to the floor to the plant. He sighed in amusement and eyed Thor, before crawling out of his spot. "You REALLY did out-do yourself, Thor."
"That's nothing," Natasha smirked. "You should've came with us to Baskin-Robbins last week."
"What happened?" Clint asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Ask them. They know everything." The assassin snorted and walked back to her own floor.
"I understood that reference!" Thor beamed and when he got looks from the agents, he raised an eyebrow. "I thought you mortals were speaking about that. I believe the Man of Iron called the Captain a "squidward"."
Natasha turned around and furrowed her brows. "You don't get that reference."
"No, I do not Lady Natasha, but what am I?"
Natasha looked at her partner in crime, who shrugged in return. The redhead looked at Thor and smirked. "I guess you're Larry the Lobster. Or Gary the Snail. Or Spongebob. No, how about Patrick Star?"
Thor looked at her like she was crazy. What was a 'Larry'? 'Gary'? Or even 'Spongebob'? And Patrick'?! Oh my god, mortals these days.
"BY ODIN'S BEARD, I DO NOT LIKE THESE REFERENCES ANYMORE!" And then he stormed out.
The assassins laughed.
Well, I hope that was funny enough :)
I plan on this being a two-shot, so yeah.
And I think you can use flour to put out fires, but I'm not sure.
Hope you guys enjoyed it!
Read, like, follow and review :)
- Kay.