Do you remember the first time we both sat down for a proper, well...date? All that bumbling awkwardness you had, and all the trepidation I held, mixed together into one great mess involving wine and Chinese? Do you remember those stupid questions we asked each other, trying to tell one another more about our own lives than we actually could? I realise now that you only did that so you could hide things from me. But naive was I then. I didn't realise, and I let your soothing tone sweep me away, and let you be the one to tether me again.
One of those questions you asked stays lodged in my mind though, even after everything that's happened, everything you've done. All the others, the ones about my life, my love, my interests, have long since burned away in the depths of my mind, leaving only this one question to remind me of that night.
"What animal do I remind you of?"
My answer was short, instant, and even I didn't know what it was to begin with. One word, two syllables. It's only now, sitting here, with you, cursed you, running through my mind, awaking panic and long forgotten emotions and fear; that I am able to think about what I said.
One for Sorrow
The way you looked was sort of a reason I said that, I suppose. Black hair, pale skin, piercing eyes. They way you moved, head darting around, noticing little specks and details others missed. Your personality seemed to reflect the black and white patterns on their feathery backs also. One moment you were nice and sweet, and pure and loving. Then what happened Max? You turned dark, turned into the black feathers. I didn't know you had it in you...I didn't want to believe you had it in you to do what you did. I should have listened the first time, shouldn't I? Shouldn't have got back with you, shouldn't have given you another chance. Perhaps if I hadn't, I wouldn't be sat here now, waiting. If it's true, I won't tell you. I don't want you.
I don't want this.
Two for Joy
I guess we must have other could have given the same answer for the pair of us as well, couldn't they, when we stood together? Not just our colour, our appearances, although whenever I saw our reflection I was startled myself. But the way you were always searching for fights, attacking others with your words and the way I was always trying to avoid doing that. I darted around the outside, looking for the weaknesses, while you just blundered on it, not pausing to think. We were opposites, Max. Black and white. White and black. I guess that's why we worked so well. I guess that's why I loved you. We completed each other, made the other what they weren't. But I told you I didn't love you anymore. Don't I? I don't know, I can't think. We were good together, weren't we? So maybe I do want a little piece of you, just to look back and reflect on what we had. Just to remember you, and the happiness we shared for that short time. But how would you respond if you knew what was going on at the moment?
I don't want this.
Three for a Girl; Four for a Boy
It was the simple, to begin with. Together we worked, for a while, but now? It's over. Finito. The end. I don't want you taking over the rest of my life, Max. I don't want to be the girl who keeps running back to you, keeps giving in. I don't want you watching me, turning your head to follow me as I walk past. I don't want to wake up every morning to only see you, your dark hair, and your pale skin.
A magpie lands on the bathroom window sill, tail bobbing in a way which brings a smile to my face like you so often did. He turns his head around, and to the side, his dark eyes meeting mine. Watching me. Is he your way of trying to tell me that'll you'll always be watching me, Max, that you'll never let me go? If that's so, how could I ever tell you if it was true? How could I agree to let you rule me in that way.
I don't want this.
Five for Silver
But maybe...Maybe it could work? If it says that I am carrying another life, that I am giving up my body for another, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it would be another one like Grace. One I could love, and cherish, and adore the little part of me that's been mixed with you. But they won't be part of you, Max. If I am...If it's true, I don't want you to be near. It'll just be me, and them. A fresh start. A new life. I'll be able to feel as wanted as you had made me feel, Max, if I have one. Everything you were, everything you stood for, all that would remain would be a part which I would be the one to nurture. To love. A silver lining in the cloud of misery, I think. It's not all bad...
But then again, silver sparkles to you, doesn't it? You see silver, and you can't help yourself. You dart up, and in, and snatch it away from people, before flitting off and storing it in your own little trove. Then you sit there, and watch, and guard, and don't let anything else get to it. You'd keep me stuck there, as your precious silver bundle. I still don't want my path to take that route. Not with you.
I don't want this.
Six for Gold
The sun reflects gold light off the back of the black and white bird, casting flickering shapes which dance around the room. If it is true...If my body wasn't lying to me when the feelings started to grow, how would you react if I could bring myself to tell you? Would a smile cross your face, would you hold your arms out and take me in them, would you promise to change for me? Would you say: "This'll be our baby, Kim, our precious little baby, more precious than anything"? Would we bathe in the dull glow of our own happiness – a shade of gold that even you wouldn't steal away?
Or would you stand there and stare at me, wide eyes full of disappointment if you saw me here, sat on the edge of the snow white bath rim, the small oblong held firmly in my trembling hands? Would you turn your back, and leave me when I needed you, when I had released myself to you once again? Would I survive the heartbreak, only to be left raising your little sliver of preciousness by myself? I don't want to carry your burden, Max. I don't want to clear up the mess you've left behind.
I don't want this.
A deep breath is drawn in. It's mine, not the birds. The bird who's watching me, his cold eyes calculating, daring me to make a move. I do. I stand up, and not thinking, not seeing, stride towards him and slam down the wooden frame of the glass. Then I turn back. He's gone, and so will you be, won't you? When this tells me I've been tricking myself. When it tells me you can do nothing to ruin my wreck of a life even more.
It's time. My hands are shaking. Slowly, so slowly, the test is raised to my eye level.
I read it. I blink. My heart stops. My eyes stare. No...
Seven for a Secret; Never To Be Told
Give in to temptations...
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